What am I doing? One step forward and half a dozen back...I am so tired of remaining in the same spot!
When I wake in the morning and have the same feelings, the same sense of lost vision, the same lonely, hurting, aching foreboding nothingness I wonder when is this going to end, what am I doing wrong? Let's try, EVERYTHING!!
I reach out momentarily and grab a piece of normal here and there. But all too quickly I release it and hunker back into my world of what I think I need to make me happy. And that in itself is a joke, because I have no idea what that is at the moment. Do I even now what being happy is anymore. Is it just a concept I have in my head? Is my heart capable of happiness? I have put on a face for so long. I am supposed to move forward, I am supposed to be happy, I am supposed to be alright. Sure I have times when I think I am happy. I feel happy. Then I do things that mess it all up. I dwell on the what ifs and the I should haves and the I wishes.
When am I going to get it through my head that my life is what I choose it to be? Why must I think my happiness is based on this person or that thing happening or anything other than ME?
It's like my head knows the answers and my heart battles it on ever issue. This constant bickering between head and heart is driving me crazy! What I want, what I need, what others think I need, what I don't want, what I settle for, I feel as though I could explode!!! I try to do things that should make me happy and often I am anxious and feel like I need to be doing something else, not idea what that is however.
So do I listen to head or heart? Are my expectations just too grand? Do I live in a fantasy world? Is there a happily ever after?
Today is one of those "pull yourself up by your boot strap" kind of days. I am scattered, which is obvious by this blog. So for today I will try to find a center....a place where I can be content, no demands for tomorrow, no unobtainable dreams, just here and now, listening to .....what? I'm not sure, maybe not listening at all...maybe just feeling, just being for today.
It is my life...there is good here....and I will live it.
