Not only am I fighting my own demons I find myself overwhelmingly involved in battles that are not mine to fight. Wars that are none of my concern nor of my making. Totally outside my circle of influence.
Inner turmoil, that is fueled by my ever increasing self doubt, is causing me to look not forward, but over my shoulder and way back into the past. A past long ago closed. A past unchangeable by any means. A past of pain, weakness and sorrow. I don't want to dwell there and for the most part I don't. For some reason it is haunting me again, revisiting my conscientiousness and stirring emotions that are tearing my heart apart. My head knows it's all a trick. My brain tries to get my attention to shift. My heart begins to panic. It constricts with pain and sends doubt flooding into my thoughts. The tears begin to flow. The questions consume my every fiber. The enormous dark shadows hide the sunlight and I am alone, destined to remain as such.
My mind is screaming! You aren't good enough, you have never been good enough, you are so close but just not quite there, nice but not nice enough, there is someone just a little better than you. Someone a little smarter, a little classier, a little thinner, a little pretty always a little something more.
I have blown all this out of proportion. It can't possibly be as bad as it sounds, yet if feels worse than it sounds. I take what is said to me and I hold it under the microscope and find every possible way to make it come out as harsh and hurtful as I can. I prepare myself for the worse case scenario. And then I remember, I take stock of every other hurt, every other circumstance where I have been taken for granted and abused and left and used and I know that this will be no different. The rose glasses that usually sit on on nose are laying in pieces, smashed by reality.
I'm scared, scared to count on anyone. I hate the fact that I want to rely on someone so badly, that I want someone to be there for me, to love me, to want to share life with me. Why can't I just be content with who I am. Guess I'm not even good enough for myself, isn't that ironic? I don't know how to take care of me. Must take care of everyone else can't take care of herself.
But I do know that I have set boundaries for myself that are not negotiable. I do KNOW that I will NOT harm myself. I do KNOW that I will get through this, just like always. I KNOW I have come way too far and have the ability and strength to keep moving forward whatever jumps in my path trying to deter me from whatever good lies before me. I want that good life again. I know it's out there and I'll have it again...and I'll have it my way.
Yes I am struggling right now, I expect on some level I always will, but somewhere out there is a person who will be willing to hold me and lend me some strength and never condemn me for doing so. I think this very moment I have come to realize that it's all apart of who I am, maybe it's time I accept that part of me?
