I received news today of yet another classmate passing away. This woman was a vibrant, fun loving woman who within the past few months went skydiving! And in the blink of an eye she is gone.
In the blink of an eye her family's world is turned upside down, never to be the same. Time is so short, we never know when it is going to be our last day. We never know if today is the last time we will see our loved one. We never know.....
And here I sit, wasting precious time, lamenting a love that is lost and a love that was never meant to be. How foolish am I? When I should be happy to be alive I am wishing I were dead. When I love so many I am wishing for the love of one. One is gone, never to return, the other doesn't return the love I have for him. I'm stuck. I'm struggling. The absence of joy is making each day harder and harder to cope through. Brief glimpses of my former self emerge when I can manage to keep social commitments. I put on my face and try to enjoy the moment. Sometimes I actually lose myself in the moment. But always it comes back to me, lonely, lacking, needing and wanting what I don't have.
I have to focus on what is good, I have to find the best in me, in my circumstances. I have to remember all the people who do love and care about me and that I love and care about. True I don't understand why I can't have that special man in my life to love and dote upon, but is that truly the end of the world? Yes it feels like it, but I have to make a choice. I can let it eat me alive, consume my very being or I can muster all the strength I can and try with all my might to make each day special in some small way. I am wasting time waiting for this man to make me happy, I can't afford to wait. Time is moving on, I have things to do, lives to touch and memories to make.
Marsha I will miss you but your memory will live on in my mind and my heart. I want to live my life as fully as you did.
This is my life, I am wasting time, I am committed to doing better and living!!!!!
Thursday, September 20, 2012
Just One Of Those Days
Why do I wake up some mornings feeling so anxious I can hardly breath?
Impending doom prevails. Not like I am expecting any particular thing to happen, just on edge and nervous. Thinking surely something crappy is going to ruin my day!?
No plans, what shall I do with my time today? Sit on the computer, again? Watch another on my many movies, again? Take a nap, again? Sigh. Nothing to be anxious about there....lol.
I feel like I am chasing my tail and have no clue what I would do with if should I actually catch it. Pointless I know. No purpose. Where am I going?
They are working on the road outside and the sound is making me crazy. I finally get to open my widows to enjoy the cool air and my peace is shatter by the rat-a-tat-tat of a jack hammer? Really!!? Anxiety mounts.
Why did I get out of bed? Should have pulled the covers over my head and gone back to sleep. The promise of a new day made me get up. Then I walked into the oh so familiar living room and the oh so familiar emptiness caused my heart to drop. Why am I here? Why do I have to face another day alone? Why does my heart ache for something I can not have? Anxiety grows.
Got on the scale, so not happy. Look in the mirror, yep, still looking old and tired...SIGH.
Sit at the computer, see life goes on. Chit chatting friends, funny jokes, play a game or two, junk mail. I'll check back in a bit....more of the same.
My heart is pounding, I want to cry, but why?
"Pull yourself together" my head demands. "Knock it off"....oh this is not easy....I will survive this day....I have survived many such days......let me look for some positive thought....let me grasp a memory, let me get lost in a dream for a moment or two....Let me realize that I have things to do, things to accomplish and put one foot in front of another and make my way forward. No matter how small the step it is moving forward, the right direction, toward something better than this anxiety.
Somedays I think "This is my life?" For now yes it is....only I can change it, only I can live it.......
Impending doom prevails. Not like I am expecting any particular thing to happen, just on edge and nervous. Thinking surely something crappy is going to ruin my day!?
No plans, what shall I do with my time today? Sit on the computer, again? Watch another on my many movies, again? Take a nap, again? Sigh. Nothing to be anxious about there....lol.
I feel like I am chasing my tail and have no clue what I would do with if should I actually catch it. Pointless I know. No purpose. Where am I going?
They are working on the road outside and the sound is making me crazy. I finally get to open my widows to enjoy the cool air and my peace is shatter by the rat-a-tat-tat of a jack hammer? Really!!? Anxiety mounts.
Why did I get out of bed? Should have pulled the covers over my head and gone back to sleep. The promise of a new day made me get up. Then I walked into the oh so familiar living room and the oh so familiar emptiness caused my heart to drop. Why am I here? Why do I have to face another day alone? Why does my heart ache for something I can not have? Anxiety grows.
Got on the scale, so not happy. Look in the mirror, yep, still looking old and tired...SIGH.
Sit at the computer, see life goes on. Chit chatting friends, funny jokes, play a game or two, junk mail. I'll check back in a bit....more of the same.
My heart is pounding, I want to cry, but why?
"Pull yourself together" my head demands. "Knock it off"....oh this is not easy....I will survive this day....I have survived many such days......let me look for some positive thought....let me grasp a memory, let me get lost in a dream for a moment or two....Let me realize that I have things to do, things to accomplish and put one foot in front of another and make my way forward. No matter how small the step it is moving forward, the right direction, toward something better than this anxiety.
Somedays I think "This is my life?" For now yes it is....only I can change it, only I can live it.......
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