As the anniversary of Matthew's death approaches and I reexamine, for the one millionth time, where I'm at in this game of life, I cannot help but wonder where the time goes and why I feel as though I must have sleep some of it away.
I feel as though I must be stuck in some invisible trap, some limbo that prevents me from making progress to some unknown destination. I appear to be stuck in a rut that just gets deeper making it impossible to scale up the sides and find whatever it is I need or am looking for. The harder I try to make progress the more things around me materialize to make my forward movement stall. I impede myself in making change more often than not. Although I know this, it is NOT easy to reprimand myself and certainly more challenging yet to institute change.
It's like right now I set low expectations so I KNOW I won't be disappointed. Set the bar low and I don't have to try to hard to keep things on track. If I move the bar up then I must work harder to move forward. Some goals are much easier to work toward than others of course. My physical goals right now are a much larger priority over any emotional goals. They are much easier to focus on and seem much more doable at the moment.
I feel like the immortalized Scarlet O'Hara right now, I'll not think about that today, I will think about it tomorrow. Out of sight, out of mind. Sticking my head in the sand and any other appropriate cliche dealing with avoidance.
Again I find myself retreating into my own world. Keeping to myself, my mind racing every minute on trivial things. Forever searching for meaning, for substance, for worth. Still asking why, what if and wondering if someday I will be whole again.
I have reached a point of determination the last couple of days however. I have a plan for the moment. I am going to throw myself into my health, and into the breast cancer causes. I am going to dedicate my time to helping with the Gatorfest and preparing for The 3 Day in Chicago. I am going to use my passion to help myself feel better about me and my health and to help those fighting a real battle for their very lives. I am going to try with all that have to forget my woes and focus on something that matters.
This is my life, I cannot always change the things I would like but I can certainly learn to accept them or get the hell out. I can do more and I will do more. I make my own choices and am prepared to accept the consequences. My life has very good parts, no one has a perfect life. My life is mine and will live it, because life overall is GOOD!! Bad things happen, really bad things, but we cannot live there.....
Monday, January 28, 2013
Tuesday, January 22, 2013
Emotional? Me?
I don't know. I have been so emotional lately. I am tired of being tired. I am tired of being emotional and I am tired of this indecisive mind of mine!
I have thrown myself into healthy eating and exercise but my spiritual being is screaming from deep inside! My mind is in constant turmoil. Thoughts from here to there in 0.4 seconds. Even my fantasies are odd and unfamiliar to me.
I have not been sleeping well and I know for me that is a MUST! Without sleep I cannot focus on any one thing, let alone the billion and one things that have been on my mind lately. That will have to become my number one obstacle to overcome these next few days.
It's funny how sometimes when I write it's like my fingers have a mind of their own and thoughts I didn't even know I was thinking emerge. Perhaps my fingers are smarter than my brain at this moment.
I know that for me organization of challenges is a priority. I have not been doing a very good job of choosing my battles lately. I am letting far too many things become a battle. One at a time Judi, one at a time. And what is worthy of fighting for and what is NOT? Slow down. Focus on what is important for you and your loved ones. What can you feasibly change and do? All the worry in the world changes exactly NOTHING.
Yep talking to oneself may seem crazy to some, but to me it is perfectly normal. I am my own sounding board. At times however I seem to ignore or forget my own best advice. The human in me still wants what she wants the way she wants it, not only for me but for those I love that have a direct affect on my life.
I know some around me are concerned about my emotional state, I can assure you I am not in a bad place right now. I just seem to have a conviction in my heart right now that demands action. That demand is intense and at times confusing to my brain/heart thought process. I am at times so overwhelmed with the weight of my thoughts on certain matters that I require lots of alone time to try and sort out and categorize them. I am not hiding or shutting anyone out, I am just trying as best I can to keep some order in my life.
I ask that you, my family and friends, be patient with me, allow me to move through this maze of mine at my own pace, accept me and my decisions without question and love me. I am a big girl. I have been doing this life thing for a long time. I have made mistakes and I have learned lessons the hard way. I trust myself these days, which is new to me. I fall down, I may wallow, but I always get up. It's my life, my journey and I will live it my way, I will love days of it and I will hate days of it, this I know to be true. But in the end it's good and I am happy to be living it.
I have thrown myself into healthy eating and exercise but my spiritual being is screaming from deep inside! My mind is in constant turmoil. Thoughts from here to there in 0.4 seconds. Even my fantasies are odd and unfamiliar to me.
I have not been sleeping well and I know for me that is a MUST! Without sleep I cannot focus on any one thing, let alone the billion and one things that have been on my mind lately. That will have to become my number one obstacle to overcome these next few days.
It's funny how sometimes when I write it's like my fingers have a mind of their own and thoughts I didn't even know I was thinking emerge. Perhaps my fingers are smarter than my brain at this moment.
I know that for me organization of challenges is a priority. I have not been doing a very good job of choosing my battles lately. I am letting far too many things become a battle. One at a time Judi, one at a time. And what is worthy of fighting for and what is NOT? Slow down. Focus on what is important for you and your loved ones. What can you feasibly change and do? All the worry in the world changes exactly NOTHING.
Yep talking to oneself may seem crazy to some, but to me it is perfectly normal. I am my own sounding board. At times however I seem to ignore or forget my own best advice. The human in me still wants what she wants the way she wants it, not only for me but for those I love that have a direct affect on my life.
I know some around me are concerned about my emotional state, I can assure you I am not in a bad place right now. I just seem to have a conviction in my heart right now that demands action. That demand is intense and at times confusing to my brain/heart thought process. I am at times so overwhelmed with the weight of my thoughts on certain matters that I require lots of alone time to try and sort out and categorize them. I am not hiding or shutting anyone out, I am just trying as best I can to keep some order in my life.
I ask that you, my family and friends, be patient with me, allow me to move through this maze of mine at my own pace, accept me and my decisions without question and love me. I am a big girl. I have been doing this life thing for a long time. I have made mistakes and I have learned lessons the hard way. I trust myself these days, which is new to me. I fall down, I may wallow, but I always get up. It's my life, my journey and I will live it my way, I will love days of it and I will hate days of it, this I know to be true. But in the end it's good and I am happy to be living it.
Tuesday, January 15, 2013
A Mess Of My Own Making
Where to begin? I am struggling. Don't know what I want to do, where I want to go or what I want to change. I just KNOW I don't want to be in this exact same spot next year!
I feel I am in limbo. Trapped in a jungle with no map. What happens if I go that way? Where will I end up if I chose that direction? What pitfall awaits me if I turn in that direction? I am drifting. Occasionally I find safety in a snug harbor, where I glimpse the life I want. Only then a storm appears out of no where and I am tossed into an unpredictable whirlpool of uncertainty and doubt.
There seems to be constant pain in my heart.
The above was an entry I worked on on December 31st. Obviously I was overwhelmed and to be honest not much has changed to date.
I just had a two day melt down and am trying with all I have to pull myself up today and take a slow deep breathe and see if I can find my center. Is that what I want to do? HELL no. What I want to do is throw a fit, hurt someone, maybe myself included. I want to scream to the top of my lungs that "I" matter, that "I" have unmet needs and that "I" am far from defeated!!
But I am learning ....am holding onto knowledge that will help me. I didn't go off the deep end and eat everything in sight, I didn't run to the nearest store and buy cigarettes. I didn't drown my sorrow in the first bottle of liquor I could get my hands on. Because I want to do it right this time. I don't want to blame failure on failure. So I slept, I cried, I cursed, I wrote, I talked to the source of my confusion and I shut all other influences and voices out.
You see I know only I have the answers I seek. Only I know what I will and will not accept. For once I am demanding honesty from not only myself but from the other person in this private relationship. Only through complete honesty can I hope to find the trust, freedom and desire to continue on with or without this person. For far too long I have cared about what EVERYONE else thinks is best for me, what everyone else thinks I should do or feel. NOT ANY MORE!!! What I think, what I feel and what I care about is ALL that matters at this moment. I am on the edge of a cliff of discovery, I may fall, but I may stand strong and whole! I may not find what I am hoping to find, but it may set me free all the same. To be so in love with someone that you can hardly breath is a kind of jail especially when it has to be so secret so hidden. I want to shout to the rooftops, to let the world know....agony!
I am rambling, not make sense even to my own brain/heart.
Right now this is my life, my prison and I am seeking answers from the only person they matter from, WE need to figure this out, WE only know the answers for US. While I am sure most have ideas and opinions you really know NOTHING about this situation so don't be offended if I keep to myself and smile and do exactly what I wish because even if it's wrong it is MY choice, my life and I will do it MY way!!!
I feel I am in limbo. Trapped in a jungle with no map. What happens if I go that way? Where will I end up if I chose that direction? What pitfall awaits me if I turn in that direction? I am drifting. Occasionally I find safety in a snug harbor, where I glimpse the life I want. Only then a storm appears out of no where and I am tossed into an unpredictable whirlpool of uncertainty and doubt.
There seems to be constant pain in my heart.
The above was an entry I worked on on December 31st. Obviously I was overwhelmed and to be honest not much has changed to date.
I just had a two day melt down and am trying with all I have to pull myself up today and take a slow deep breathe and see if I can find my center. Is that what I want to do? HELL no. What I want to do is throw a fit, hurt someone, maybe myself included. I want to scream to the top of my lungs that "I" matter, that "I" have unmet needs and that "I" am far from defeated!!
But I am learning ....am holding onto knowledge that will help me. I didn't go off the deep end and eat everything in sight, I didn't run to the nearest store and buy cigarettes. I didn't drown my sorrow in the first bottle of liquor I could get my hands on. Because I want to do it right this time. I don't want to blame failure on failure. So I slept, I cried, I cursed, I wrote, I talked to the source of my confusion and I shut all other influences and voices out.
You see I know only I have the answers I seek. Only I know what I will and will not accept. For once I am demanding honesty from not only myself but from the other person in this private relationship. Only through complete honesty can I hope to find the trust, freedom and desire to continue on with or without this person. For far too long I have cared about what EVERYONE else thinks is best for me, what everyone else thinks I should do or feel. NOT ANY MORE!!! What I think, what I feel and what I care about is ALL that matters at this moment. I am on the edge of a cliff of discovery, I may fall, but I may stand strong and whole! I may not find what I am hoping to find, but it may set me free all the same. To be so in love with someone that you can hardly breath is a kind of jail especially when it has to be so secret so hidden. I want to shout to the rooftops, to let the world know....agony!
I am rambling, not make sense even to my own brain/heart.
Right now this is my life, my prison and I am seeking answers from the only person they matter from, WE need to figure this out, WE only know the answers for US. While I am sure most have ideas and opinions you really know NOTHING about this situation so don't be offended if I keep to myself and smile and do exactly what I wish because even if it's wrong it is MY choice, my life and I will do it MY way!!!
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