Wow another year under my belt. Still wondering when I will feel whole again. Still struggling with the void of not having that someone special in my life. Still wondering why things happen the way they do. Still wishing I could totally happy again.
As I sit here waiting for time for my New Years Eve celebration with family and friends I hold so dear I find myself at a loss. Why do I feel I need more? I have so much. Much more than many. I have people who love me. And I love them. Why do I feel like something is missing? I had it all and like so many took it for granted. But I still have SO much.
I am blessed with good health. I have a nice home. I have a beautiful family. I have loving, caring friends. Yet I want that one special someone who can't live without me. That one person that makes me sparkle on the inside, makes me giggle like a school girl, that I can't wait to see and will never get enough of. That person that I would move heaven and earth for. And he would feel the exact same things for me.
Wait, be patient, he's out there. I think I've found him but it is so complicated. Why can't it be easy? Why shouldn't it be easy? Why does it seem I have to be tested time and time again? Why must I cry myself to sleep missing him and wanting him? If there is another out there for me why can't he find me?
All around me people are meeting, falling in love, starting a life together. People are overcoming obstacles and living happily. That's all I want! I want to love him with my whole heart and have it returned. I want to be with him every moment, share every dream and treat him with love and respect. I want to snuggle in his arms as I go to sleep and wake and watch him sleeping peacefully and KNOW he is mine! Know that he is were he wants to be and know he loves me just as much.
I was so not cut out to be alone. I need to love someone, to take care of someone to belong to someone.
This is so hard. I never imagined being alone. I hate it. I HATE IT!!!!!
Is this my year? Is this the year I will have my someone special? I don't know. I hope so. I would love to have my heart in one piece again. I hope it happens for me, but I guess if it doesn't I will survive another year. Deep down I know life is good, I know I am blessed and my it is the totally selfish me that wants more, needs more. This is my life and it's not done. I will go on, I will keep hoping I find him or that he finds me.
Happy New Year!!!!
Monday, December 31, 2012
Saturday, December 29, 2012
Still Doing It MY Way.....
Last night I attended the wedding of a couple near and dear to my heart. While getting ready to go I thought for a long moment about marriage and relationships. About how when we first fall in love we can't get enough of that special person and how hard we work to make them happy. I thought about the movie "Fire Proof" and the wisdom that film imparted.
Knowing that the person is only ours for a brief time should make it easier to give wholly of ourselves. But it doesn't always happen like that.
The man I am seeing and have been seeing for over 2 years has limited time to be with me. So each time we are together we fully and completely make the most of our time. We know our time is short and precious and that makes every moment special. We want to bypass the petty arguments and put our best foot forward to make the other see how much we missed them and appreciate even the little things we do for each other.
Why then, when we are in a full time relationship, do we not act the same way? Why do we not love who they are and strive to make things as good as they can possibly be whenever we are together. Who says you have to fight and be right. If we focus on making them happy, making them the center of our attention and they do the same it is a win win situation.
Even in marriage or a long term relationship they are only ours for a little while. Any moment they could be gone. I know this all too well. I am happiest when I am making him happy. Isn't that my choice?
It's not about the things you have, the things you are spending money on, the places you go or even the company you keep. It's about TWO people who love each other, who want to spend time together and get the most out of it!
I am not totally crazy and do know that things happen to throw you for a loop, to question not only why you are with this person but also why you even exist. These are temporary stumbling blocks that can be overcome. You look at the bigger picture, you look at what this person has brought into your life. NO ONE but the two people involved know the real, complete story. And even they have no clue at the ending. Will she be taken tomorrow? Well he be taken the next day?
It is too easy to give up. To easy to say, "this isn't working out so let's end it". Yes when it's over sometimes it's over. Hopefully when that time comes you both know it and realize it's for the best. The work wasn't done and they grew apart. They forgot to try their best to make the other happy first and foremost. Some people are not equipped to always put their partner first and to experience being put first. For some people it is very hard for them to grasp that concept, for others it is easy. Some cannot understand what it means to be put first. Some are patient and can wait. Some feel the need to always be in control, never wanting to relinquish that power to the other. Not trusting them enough to do what's right or what they want.
It's a matter of what you want. Of what your heart cannot live without. I know that I can only control me, and not always very well. But I am working on doing exactly what I am talking about here. Why? Because that's what makes me happy. Totally making him happy is what makes sense in my life. It's what makes me get up in the morning with a smile on my lips. In the end I do get what I deserve. Even if only briefly I will embrace it and know that he's only mine temporarily anyway. We don't have ownership, we are sharing. I would rather be with him for an hour than have someone in my life full time who is only here part time anyway.
I know I am rambling, a lot on my mind this morning. I understand me better than most people think I do, I know what I need, what I want and what it takes to keep me putting one foot in front of the other. Yes there are probably other men out there that could make me happy and that I could make happy. But this is who came into my life, they say everything happens for a reason? Somethings are meant to be. So why can't that be true for me? This whole thing has happened for a reason, maybe to better me...maybe to better him...maybe to make each other happier than either of us have ever been? It's up to me and him to figure it out. And we will. Of this I am confident. And if I'm wrong, which I have been known to be, I am following my heart, living my life and I will continue to do so. Life is good!!!!! And I have every intention of making it even better.
Knowing that the person is only ours for a brief time should make it easier to give wholly of ourselves. But it doesn't always happen like that.
The man I am seeing and have been seeing for over 2 years has limited time to be with me. So each time we are together we fully and completely make the most of our time. We know our time is short and precious and that makes every moment special. We want to bypass the petty arguments and put our best foot forward to make the other see how much we missed them and appreciate even the little things we do for each other.
Why then, when we are in a full time relationship, do we not act the same way? Why do we not love who they are and strive to make things as good as they can possibly be whenever we are together. Who says you have to fight and be right. If we focus on making them happy, making them the center of our attention and they do the same it is a win win situation.
Even in marriage or a long term relationship they are only ours for a little while. Any moment they could be gone. I know this all too well. I am happiest when I am making him happy. Isn't that my choice?
It's not about the things you have, the things you are spending money on, the places you go or even the company you keep. It's about TWO people who love each other, who want to spend time together and get the most out of it!
I am not totally crazy and do know that things happen to throw you for a loop, to question not only why you are with this person but also why you even exist. These are temporary stumbling blocks that can be overcome. You look at the bigger picture, you look at what this person has brought into your life. NO ONE but the two people involved know the real, complete story. And even they have no clue at the ending. Will she be taken tomorrow? Well he be taken the next day?
It is too easy to give up. To easy to say, "this isn't working out so let's end it". Yes when it's over sometimes it's over. Hopefully when that time comes you both know it and realize it's for the best. The work wasn't done and they grew apart. They forgot to try their best to make the other happy first and foremost. Some people are not equipped to always put their partner first and to experience being put first. For some people it is very hard for them to grasp that concept, for others it is easy. Some cannot understand what it means to be put first. Some are patient and can wait. Some feel the need to always be in control, never wanting to relinquish that power to the other. Not trusting them enough to do what's right or what they want.
It's a matter of what you want. Of what your heart cannot live without. I know that I can only control me, and not always very well. But I am working on doing exactly what I am talking about here. Why? Because that's what makes me happy. Totally making him happy is what makes sense in my life. It's what makes me get up in the morning with a smile on my lips. In the end I do get what I deserve. Even if only briefly I will embrace it and know that he's only mine temporarily anyway. We don't have ownership, we are sharing. I would rather be with him for an hour than have someone in my life full time who is only here part time anyway.
I know I am rambling, a lot on my mind this morning. I understand me better than most people think I do, I know what I need, what I want and what it takes to keep me putting one foot in front of the other. Yes there are probably other men out there that could make me happy and that I could make happy. But this is who came into my life, they say everything happens for a reason? Somethings are meant to be. So why can't that be true for me? This whole thing has happened for a reason, maybe to better me...maybe to better him...maybe to make each other happier than either of us have ever been? It's up to me and him to figure it out. And we will. Of this I am confident. And if I'm wrong, which I have been known to be, I am following my heart, living my life and I will continue to do so. Life is good!!!!! And I have every intention of making it even better.
Friday, December 28, 2012
I Will Chose Happiness Today
As I sit here in the chill of the wee morning hours I can't help but wonder what prospect awaits me today?
It's all about choices, something I don't seem to make the most of. I can sit here and in my head make a plan for the day. A plan that includes good healthy choices and positive movements. I can look over my finances and put thought into my purchases. I can solve all the problems in my love life and even come up with some great ideas to promote world peace. But in the end, knowing I can only control me, and that is only at times, I may as well write a fictional story. The best laid plans of Judi don't always come about.
Something always seems to side-track me. Somewhere along the way my best laid plans become derailed. What starts out as a good positive day quickly becomes more of the same. Holed up inside, very little accomplished, mulling over the same old stuff. Why did this happen, why doesn't that happen, if only I had done this. Why must I continue to go around and around with myself.
Seems more days than not I have a plan, a good plan. But then my head doesn't stay focused on it or more often than not my heart doesn't. My head will have a plan but my heart will sabotage it quicker than I can blink. Do I trust my head? Do I trust my heart?
When I trust neither I just sit and wait. For what? I have no idea. I wait for things to change. When am I going to get it through my head that I MUST be proactive? I have to put forth some kind of effort to make things change. I need to do something, even if it's wrong or I will stay in one place forever.
This is my life. Ultimately I am in control of my destiny, my happiness, my lot in life. If I chose happiness then I am going to have to be in charge of bringing happiness into my life. It isn't going to magically happen. I am not going to wake up one morning and find that everything and every person I feel I need in my life to make me happy are in place. First I must figure out what and who I need to be a part of my happiness. Do I even know? It's about time I figure it out.
Today is another chance to get it right. Another opportunity to make some changes. Another day to listen to my own advice. Today I will try again. Today I will focus on my needs. Today I will live my life for me. Life is good, I will seek it out and make the most of it. I will be good to me today. Today I chose happiness!!
It's all about choices, something I don't seem to make the most of. I can sit here and in my head make a plan for the day. A plan that includes good healthy choices and positive movements. I can look over my finances and put thought into my purchases. I can solve all the problems in my love life and even come up with some great ideas to promote world peace. But in the end, knowing I can only control me, and that is only at times, I may as well write a fictional story. The best laid plans of Judi don't always come about.
Something always seems to side-track me. Somewhere along the way my best laid plans become derailed. What starts out as a good positive day quickly becomes more of the same. Holed up inside, very little accomplished, mulling over the same old stuff. Why did this happen, why doesn't that happen, if only I had done this. Why must I continue to go around and around with myself.
Seems more days than not I have a plan, a good plan. But then my head doesn't stay focused on it or more often than not my heart doesn't. My head will have a plan but my heart will sabotage it quicker than I can blink. Do I trust my head? Do I trust my heart?
When I trust neither I just sit and wait. For what? I have no idea. I wait for things to change. When am I going to get it through my head that I MUST be proactive? I have to put forth some kind of effort to make things change. I need to do something, even if it's wrong or I will stay in one place forever.
This is my life. Ultimately I am in control of my destiny, my happiness, my lot in life. If I chose happiness then I am going to have to be in charge of bringing happiness into my life. It isn't going to magically happen. I am not going to wake up one morning and find that everything and every person I feel I need in my life to make me happy are in place. First I must figure out what and who I need to be a part of my happiness. Do I even know? It's about time I figure it out.
Today is another chance to get it right. Another opportunity to make some changes. Another day to listen to my own advice. Today I will try again. Today I will focus on my needs. Today I will live my life for me. Life is good, I will seek it out and make the most of it. I will be good to me today. Today I chose happiness!!
Thursday, December 27, 2012
Another Year
I am certain that I am not the only person thinking of another year coming to an end. What went right, what went wrong, what stayed the same, what changed?
Did I accomplish any of my goals, did any of my dreams come true?
I have to say for myself I am not happy with the end result. I am in the same spot. I took some chances, I made some memories, I had some fun. But all in all not much has changed. I am still alone. I am unfulfilled. I am still struggling with what I want and how to get it. I am still sad and emotional. I am still lost and regretful.
As I write this I want to give up. I want to run and hide, I want to snap my fingers and have everything fall into place. Why do I have to fight for everything I want? Why must I always be the also ran. Why do my past failures, shortcomings or mishaps have to loom so large? Always taunting me, reminding me that I will never be who I want to be. Never will I be all that I can. Never have anything that I don't fight for and even then never have it all.
Yes, I guess I am feeling a bit defeated this morning. I know that I can let it ruin my day or I can get it out and make room for some positive thoughts and actions. I will not give up, but instead get going. I will not hide my frustration, but instead get rid of it by doing something constructive. I will not cry but instead use that energy to do something physical to better my health.
I am not living in the past but continuing to write my life story. I will set a short term goal today. I will work toward accomplishing that goal. It's my life, it's my story. Life is good, I want to live it...I will for today!!!
Did I accomplish any of my goals, did any of my dreams come true?
I have to say for myself I am not happy with the end result. I am in the same spot. I took some chances, I made some memories, I had some fun. But all in all not much has changed. I am still alone. I am unfulfilled. I am still struggling with what I want and how to get it. I am still sad and emotional. I am still lost and regretful.
As I write this I want to give up. I want to run and hide, I want to snap my fingers and have everything fall into place. Why do I have to fight for everything I want? Why must I always be the also ran. Why do my past failures, shortcomings or mishaps have to loom so large? Always taunting me, reminding me that I will never be who I want to be. Never will I be all that I can. Never have anything that I don't fight for and even then never have it all.
Yes, I guess I am feeling a bit defeated this morning. I know that I can let it ruin my day or I can get it out and make room for some positive thoughts and actions. I will not give up, but instead get going. I will not hide my frustration, but instead get rid of it by doing something constructive. I will not cry but instead use that energy to do something physical to better my health.
I am not living in the past but continuing to write my life story. I will set a short term goal today. I will work toward accomplishing that goal. It's my life, it's my story. Life is good, I want to live it...I will for today!!!
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