Meeting David Heath was one of the better things that has happened in my life. He is an amazing man, with patience, of which I have fewer and fewer these days. He is kind, loving, gentle, generous, respectful, considerate and caring. I thought we had something going for us, especially after spending that month together in PA. That was our plan at any rate. When I left PA to return home to WI our plan was that he would come straight here upon completion of his assignment at Three Mile Island. We were going to spend a couple weeks here at my place and then travel to his place in IL for a couple of weeks.
We talked daily about our plans and how much fun we had together and our future, making plans for the holidays and for several trips in the foreseeable future. One day I noticed he did not seem himself and I asked if he was okay. He told me he just didn't feel very talkative and was tired and ready to come home. I knew something was not right!
This feeling lasted for over a week and one Saturday morning he was not responding to my text messages and did not answer the phone. I, afraid something had happened to him, phoned the office of the hotel we stayed at. I was informed he had checked out the weekend before! Shock ran from my head to my heart to my head again!! I felt sick and panic consumed me. I thought this cannot be real. He is NOT the kind of man who would play a sick game on me like this. The thought that maybe he takes a different woman on each trip entered my mind but could not take root there. What was going on? Why? I had to talk to David!
I sent him a text which read, "What is wrong David? I know you checked out of the hotel a week ago! What is going on?" Not getting an answer sent me into an even bigger state of anxiety. I phoned but the call went right straight to voice mail. I left a similar message but added the question, "do you take a different woman each time you go back there to work?"
I had left a suitcase full of clothes and souvenirs with him when I left that he was bringing home to me. After several more unanswered text messages I threatened to call the police to retrieve my belongings. That got a response but it was not the response that I was expecting, I never would have expected the news I received.
He told me that the week after I left he got a call from his ex wife asking him to go to some kind of counseling program with her. She said they had had some good years and that she was puzzled as to why he never fought her on the divorce, which was her doing. She had him served when he was on another assignment in PA 3 years before. He told me that at first he told her no but that she kept on and he finally agreed. My mind was screaming, my heart was beating like a freight train and my eyes flooded with tears. What was he telling me?! I had a million questions but the few I managed to ask were vaguely answered and I could tell he was almost as confused as I was. David is a total logically brained man. He kept telling me he really thought he needed to do this out of respect for her, after all they had a long history and she had his children and some other logic dribble that I can't remember, and how he didn't want the family to think he didn't cooperate! Whatever the hell that means!! He said his biggest fear was telling me as he didn't want to lose or hurt me but his feelings of really needing to finish this were overwhelming.
I begged, I pleaded and made a total ass of myself. I couldn't think straight to save my soul and I thought my heart was literally going to burst! He told me he had serious doubts but that he had agreed and he felt he needed to see the thing through. He said that he needed me to be strong and that if his doubts were true he would need me to be healthy and happy so he could come to me if I hadn't moved on, which he wouldn't blame me if I had! Are you kidding me? Moving on was, and still is, the last the I want to do.
To make a long story short, we continued to talk and text. I talked with my therapist for endless hours on the subject and cried more tears than I ever thought I could, I have no clue how I still have more every single day.
Finally one day he agreed to bring my things that I had left with him when I left PA. I told him I wanted to cook him dinner and that we could have a nice long time to talk and decide what to do next. Sigh....
He came, I looked like hell, huge bags under my eyes from hours of crying and many sleepless nights. He too looked worse for wear. But our hugs were beyond words and kisses had a story of their own. We held each other for a long long time, I sobbed, he swallowed hard and we held on for dear life. Finally sitting on the couch I snuggle into him as close as I could get and stared up into his anguished face. I mustered up enough courage to ask him if he loved her. He said no, he did once, but not now, not like he loved me. But, that crappy word but, he really felt he needed to do this. I asked a few more questions, all of which he agonized to answer. And finally I asked the only one that mattered..."Baby, what do you need me to do?" Tears threatened to spill from his eyes as he told me he wanted me to go on with my life and be happy. He said I deserve to be happy. But I was happy!! He said he would come to me when it was all over and he would hope to find me happy and if I hadn't found someone else he would be mine.
I know, I know....I know it wasn't a promise. My feelings for him had not changed, I know they probably should have but they hadn't. I still wanted him and the relationship we had begun. I reasoned he was worth the wait!
With the go ahead from my therapist I put into place a short period of time where I took a mini mental health vacation. I took no call, emails or text messages. I spent time doing little things for myself, by myself an dealt with NO outside drama. I wrote, took walks, browsed around stores and markets. I slept whenever I felt, read and took long hot baths. I cried.
Upon finishing this journey I was ready to reenter the world, slowly as it be, I contacted David and was once again shocked by his words. It seemed that he had begun the counseling program and that the counselors had told him he was NOT to have contact with me during the course of the counseling. Wow! Of course not...how can you brainwash someone if they have contact with the enemy! When did I become the enemy?
I was devastated! And that is putting it mildly! Sheer panic took over my every sense! I couldn't breath, I couldn't speak, tears blurred my vision. I couldn't think, I wanted to lay down and die!! I took meds and went to bed. I couldn't deal with this, didn't want to deal with this and wanted nothing more than to give up, stop caring, stop crying and stop living.
The holidays are coming, my family and friends are worried half to death about me, what the hell am I going to do? I'm gonna put on the strong face, I'm going to go about doing the things I need to do, I am going to fake it. So with my heart a total mess, my thoughts scattered in every which direction I forged on. Yes I cry easily, and I am not so good at hiding it anymore, but I still move on.
I bought my gifts. I helped make a special gift made for Leanna that I actually enjoyed doing for her. I shared some wonderful quality time with Zachary and Quyn! I made some holiday treats. I did what I needed to do. On Christmas Eve I broke the rules and sent David a text message to which he responded. It was a positive response in my book and I let it encourage me for the moment. I got through Christmas and did enjoy it for a while. Coming home afterwards, sitting here alone with my memories both good and bad, imagining what it could have been, what I wish it could have been was not easy, but all necessary to find my balance I lived through it.
Yesterday, the day after Christmas I took down all my decorations, packed them with care and as I put them away I was hoping with all my heart that next year will be different.
I trusted David! I think I still do. That is where all this hurt and pain comes from. Yes I saw another man for a good long while, I fell in love with him, but he was NEVER mine, I didn't trust him, how could I, he didn't belong to me. But with David he did, and I believe he still does belong to me. No matter how hard he works he will always have the memories we made together in PA. He can't erase how he felt about me, the things we did together, the laughter we shared. She didn't want him anymore and she tossed him aside. I think he will remember that. I know he is trying to be fair, and I don't hate him for that. I miss him terribly!
I have a long way to go, but I will say this.....I, for now, am trying to do what is best for me. If I knew my future I wouldn't have to work at it, I wouldn't have to be sad or worried. I know a lot of people who say I deserve this or I deserve that, I don't know about any of that anymore...I want to be happy, I want to be loved by someone special and I hate being alone. Those are the facts, pure and simple. It's still my life, it's MY heart and I will muddle through whatever it takes until I find what it is I'm looking for....I do KNOW that I will NOT settle, I may continue on kissing frogs in my search for my prince or I may just sit and wait for him to find me....at this point it is what it is....my life, doing it my way!!!!
