I started the day by making myself stay in the bed instead of getting up at 3:45 when I woke up. I need to adjust my internal clock. I am tired of going to bed between 6:00 and 7:00 PM and waking up between 2:00 and 4:00 AM. When I get up at that hour there is nothing to do but let my mind question my very existence, my self worth, my failures and shortcomings. The whys and wherefores echo through my being coming back so bleak I can barely breath. There is no reasoning in the darkness when you feel so defeated, so alone so utterly worthless. So I stayed in the bed, willing myself to not cry. Telling myself that I am strong and that this too shall come to an end.
When I did venture from the confines of the covers I came into the living room to greet the most amazing sunrise! The colors from vibrant orange to an incredible bright shining pink woke my senses to the beauty of the morning. I used to love the sunrises so. That is one of the reasons I love my apartment. Sunrises start the day, the new adventures not yet begun. Observing the sunrise this morning reminded me of the task ahead of me today and started me off in the right direction.
Not wanting to have a scheduled plan but knowing I had to set some basic moves for myself today I formulated some ideas of what to do to keep me pointed in a positive direction. I will do 5 miles on the treadmill, I have done 1 so far! I will eat 5 small healthy meals today at 3 hour intervals, I have had my first. Those are positive things to keep my health on the front burner. I did get on the scale and was not happy with the numbers that greeted me, BUT...that being negative, I did not dwell there, just set my mind to work harder on bringing those numbers back down again, something I KNOW I have been successful at and can do again!
I am watching one of my favorite movies for the umpteenth time, Sweet November.
I am going to spend some time on my laptop exploring places that I am considering moving to. Yes I do see a move in my future.
I am going to write some letters to some people that will hopefully help me deal with some unresolved issues. Who knows if they will ever read them, but it helps me to get some crap off my mind.
I am going to make some Christmas goodies. I am going to read some uplifting stories out of the Reader's Digest that I started yesterday.
I am going to tell a guy who I have been talking to online that I am not interested and not regret it! I KNOW he is not for me so why keep dancing around it.
I am going to run a little gift over to my BFF and tell her I love her.
I'm going to pack up some stuff that I no longer need or want to get it ready for the next trade day here in our building.
I challenge myself today to be myself, to love myself, to be comfortable with my decisions. I have made some rough choices lately. Only I can decide which choices to stand by and which ones to change. Only I know what makes me happy, what I want and what I am willing to do to have it. Knowing that I can only control myself and accepting that is a battle for me, but it's a battle I must fight in order to win the freedom I so need to get through each day. I know a lot of people who think I don't have self respect but they are so wrong. I do respect myself, I do accept the facts that I am not perfect, I do know I have my moments of downright insanity, I do know it is not easy to always love me or even like me, but I also know that's what makes me who I am. I know I am one of the most compassionate people ever. I know that I am accepting to a fault and far too trusting. I know when I love I love 110%. I know I will sacrifice my happiness for someone else's. I know I wallow, I withdraw, and I have fabulous pity parties where I am the only guest. I am a survivor, I am stubborn and want to do it my way. Today I am glad I am who I am, any less of any of these traits and i might not be here today. I am who I am, I am going to do it my way, and today I will do what I need to do to be positive. I accepted my own challenge today!! It's my life and today it is all about doing productive and positive things my way!!
