Change Is Not Always Bad

It has been quite some time since I last blogged. Again no specific reason. Life happens and I get side tracked and put it off. Before I know it months have passed. I have thought of writing many times and am sorry I didn't as lots has been going on with me. Lots of changes, lots of paradigm shifts, lots of life.

I suddenly realize I have a new sense of myself. New priorities, new goals and interests and an urgency for change. They say if you aren't happy things need to change and change can be a very scary thing. Especially when you change and those around you don't. I am no longer content to stand still and let life dictate to me. I want to shake up my life, take control and change for the better. This may lead to changing many things in my life. As my interest change I am no longer happy doing some of the things I used to do. I am happier alone than being with people I find less and less in common with and doing things that no longer bring me pleasure. 

I have heard it said many times that some things are just for a season or two and when it's time to move on we know it. I have spent several very long seasons unhappy and not knowing it. I have always been a care taker and now that I have no one to care for it has become apparent that I need to care for ME. I don't need anyone's approval to change and make myself my priority. And if the people in my life don't like the changes I have decided to make I think that season has come to an end. There is so much more to life than I have experienced, so many things I want to experience and roads I want to travel. As humans we tend to limit ourselves. Be it fear or lack of imagination or commitments we allow ourselves to be overwhelmed with, we give up and stay stuck in life's demands and forget who we are and what we want. 

I may not know exactly what it is I want at this very moment but I do know this isn't it. I'm so tired of excuses and complaining and wallowing. I'm so tired of this nothingness in my mind. This endless desire to do SOMETHING new, something challenging, something out of the ordinary. 

I know I have changed a lot in the past months. I know some of  my friends and family are wondering what's going on and why I've changed. It's not a bad thing. It's not them. It's simply me trying to emerge from the ashes and become independent, stronger and happier than I have been in a long time. I no longer carry the worries of all those around me. It's not that I am not compassionate, I always will be, it's just that I have finally seen people so consumed with the woes of others they can hardly function for themselves.  People so fearful of everyday life that they cannot enjoy the simple pleasures for worrying about what "might" happen. Life is a gift and it is meant to be lived to the fullest, not dreaded, not placed on a shelf and admired, not put off until we get around it to but lived, and enjoyed and shared with those who have similar interest. 

Being the heart lead person I have always been for far too long now I have let my heart blindly lead me astray. I have found a balance between my head and heart the past few months that I was not even sure existed before. Oh believe me when I say my heart and my head have battled more than once over this, and I do slip back into one-sided thinking more often than I care to admit, but I am making headway. I am happy with the direction I am moving. After all I'm moving in the right direction. Not going backward, and no longer standing still, paralyzed with doubt and fear. Baby steps, little mistakes, bruised feelings and days of uncertainty are a part of my journey but at the end of the day I see progress and that makes me happy. 

I am head over heels in love with David. There isn't much I would not do for him. But for the first time in my life I have allowed myself to look ahead and say, "If this doesn't work out, I will not die. I will simply move ahead and find happiness on my own." I know it's much easier said than done. But I have to look where I've already been. I have to recognize what I have survived already. I have already learned to do much more by myself than I ever wanted to do. But I'm tired of being disappointed and I am working very hard on not disappointing myself. I no longer want to depend on others for my happiness. I know huh? Sounds like a grown up writing this! I know some of you are saying "I told her this before" and yes some of you did, but you know yourself self realization is what works. But thanks for trying.

Ultimately I have to say this is my life, and I'm pretty happy with it right now. I'm living my way because it's MY life!!

Challenge Before Me

I haven't blogged in a while. Not sure why that is but today I feel the need to write. Write about what I'm not sure. I am feeling impatient and anxious about life. I want life to hurry up and happen! That sounds crazy even to me. 

That old saying "Today is the first day of the rest of your life" somehow has a deeper meaning for me right now. I want to grab life, shake it up and "LIVE"! I am tired of letting life "happen". I want to MAKE it happen! I want to find enjoyment, kick my heels up and live, love and laugh until I just can't do it anymore!! I'm tired of sitting still! Tired of being in one place and always wanting more! I have put myself on the back burner for a long time, it's time to make myself my priority! Not sure I know how to do that.

I never thought of myself as a selfish person and worked hard not to be. Why? People love and care about me but I have to face that fact that I am no ones priority. When I sacrifice I do so of my own accord and am usually okay with it. Who sacrifices for me? Who puts me first? Guess I am feeling pretty selfish or at least self-centered today. But that's okay. I do understand that people have families, significant others, jobs and other of life's demands to focus on instead of me. I don't expect the world to stop because I'm feeling lonely, or down or anxious, although I admit it would be nice once in a while. I know that only I can be there for me 100% of the time. I'm not very good at it.

Where in the hell am I going with all this? LOL I wish I knew. I feel like something is missing and I don't know how to find it because I don't know what it is! It's as if I am blindfolded in some desolate place looking for something, and I don't where I am or what I'm searching for. Stumbling along blindly, bumping into obstacles, stubbing my toes, falling down, reaching out to the unknown. You see I've lost my rose colored glasses and when subjected to the harsh realities I close my eyes. But, I've not given up. I just need to determine the direction I want to move in and get off my ass and move!

Why do I allow myself to feel like I am intruding on other peoples lives? Like I don't belong there? Why do I feel so insignificant? What do I expect people to do? Why is it so hard for me to tell people what I need from them? Why must I need anything for anyone? Why can't I be self-validating?

I come up with these grand plans in my head to be more self sufficient only to find myself craving attention, company, validation from others, at which point I simply withdraw. Why do I feel so needy? People tell my how strong I am. I don't always feel strong. I don't always want to be strong. I don't want to always make my own decisions, I don't always want to be in charge of my life. But I know I have to be. It's a very difficult transition to go from being a wife and having a family to being a single...a one....alone! I hate it! I hate not having someone to care for. I hate sleeping alone. I hate being the fifth wheel. I hate the tears. 

So I find myself feeling alone, lonely, detached, insignificant and wanting. I am in love with a man who I'm not sure is up to dealing with my needs. I need to figure this out. I need to deal with it head on. I need to put my life in order to please ME, meet MY needs and live the way I want to live. It is my life, do I want to live it my way and enjoy it my way or am I going to continue to wallow and be used and walk around blind?

Looks like I have laid some challenges before me.  

#5 Stop Thinking Too Much

It's alright to not know all the answers. They will come to you when you least expect it.

The mind is a terrible thing to waste...it is also a terrible thing to abuse! At times I cannot seem to turn my mind off. It will race around taking random thoughts and turning them into absolute monsters! Simply thoughts take on a life of their own and become uncontrollable forms of despair, hurt and misery. When thoughts become negative obsessions it is time to STOP thinking!

Flights of fantasy are not, in and among themselves, harmful. I am prone to many adventures in my mind and heart. I can while away the hours wishing and hoping and envisioning my future. This can be a pleasant experience and can eat up time when I am bored or waiting for something to happen in my mundane life. I can play scenarios in my head and perhaps change a few things to make them more pleasant or closer to what I am hoping will happen. No harm in that right? Then it happens! My pleasurable thoughts slowly but surely distort and twist out of focus. I start, what I like to call, mind reading. This is rarely accurate and certainly not flattering to my self confidence.  When I take things someone may have said and turn, and twist and dissect it I can make it mean something entirely different from those words. Chances are I KNOW exactly what they meant when they were said, why do I need to over think it? 

I cannot sit here, rehash something that I know to be true, and change it while sitting here! No matter what my mind is telling me it changes NOTHING! My prospective may change, my understanding may change but the facts have not. So why do I think too much? Why do I allow my mind to keep looking for answers that I already know? Why do I need answers for the future? Why can I not accept what is today and let tomorrow take care of itself? Tomorrow is uncertain. Especially when it's someone else's tomorrow. I cannot be certain of my tomorrow, why do I need to think about someone's else's tomorrow? 

I rob myself of joy by thinking so much. By trying to figure out answers to questions that have no direct effect on me, I question what I already know to be true, causing doubt and worry.  I know that I am my own worst enemy. I question myself far too much, my instincts, my heart, my self worth. I know I need to learn to trust myself. I know that life has no guarantees. I know that my happiness depends on me, my attitude, my thoughts, my choices and my relationships that I put time, energy and effort into. I know that I need to limit stress and drama and negativity. I know that I need to demonstrate more strength and self control in dealing with these issues. 

Today I have decided to stop thinking too much. I have decided to trust myself and my instincts. I have decided to stop worrying about making the wrong choices and limiting the stress and drama and negativity in my life. I am going to spend more time on me! I have taken a look around me and see that I allow other people and their issues to take up far too much space in my life and my thoughts. I allow their negativity to spill over into my own thinking. Just the other day a dear person in my life told me only I can be the person I know I am. This is true and it's time I am that person.

Today my life is not what I want it to and I am not the person I know I am but today I will be the best me I can be. Today I take back my peace and step out of the cycle of thinking too much, worrying about things out of my control and negative patterns and people. Today the answers are coming and I did not expect them! 

This is my life, I will live it my way and be true to myself! No longer my worst enemy but my own best friend. 

Don't Compare Your Life to Others.....

...and don't judge them. You have no idea what their journey is all about.

That is rule #4 of the 7 cardinal rules in life. Very sound advice indeed! 

I find myself envious of some people and what appears to be their "charmed" life. I sometimes want what others possess, sometimes material things, but more often less tangible things, their body shape, their relationship, their ability to be happy with what life brings. When I read this rule I realize that not all things are as they seem. I remember that karma has no favorites and the powers that be do not discriminate when it comes to dishing out problems, unfortunate circumstances and drama in life. 

At times I think some people have it all and never suffer from unfairness or mishaps in life. Some of these people I envy and wish I could be in their shoes. But then, I would be them and not me! My choices would be different and my outcome would be mine not theirs. And at the end of the day, behind closed doors what is their life really like? I am assuming their lives are all rainbows and unicorns. I am seeing what they project, as we all do. That does not always mean I know that person or their circumstances and life. 

I know a person that I always felt got far more than they deserved in life. Always got the benefit of the doubt, always got the breaks, was always the luckiest person I knew. This person had someone to love and care for. I was jealous beyond belief. Only to realize one day that this was all a front! Their life was absolutely not a perfect picture, far from it. All that comparison I did was based on pure fantasy. I understood that I had it far better. That should have taught me a lesson, and in reality it did. Once in a while I do find myself wishing I had this or that that so in so has, or looked like her or had her strength or a relationship like theirs, I am human. 

We all have a different path we must walk in life. Occasionally our paths cross and we may experience a bond along the way with someone who adds to our life experience. It is often only for a season or two. Don't take these meetings for granted. Enjoy them and learn from them and never judge or envy these people you encounter. They are unique. You are unique, I am you unique.

I do things my way just as you do things your way. We may have a meeting of the minds and share some tips or secrets on life that are useful, we may not agree on all things, but that's what makes life happen. 

I am happy to be me! I wouldn't want anyone else's life. I don't want to compare my life anymore. I have experienced things in my life that I would never trade, that are embedded in my heart and will be treasured until the day I die. My life is good, it's MY life and as I seek to make it even better I will do things my way and not compare my life to others. I know my journey and they know theirs.  May everyone's journey be all they hope for.

Age is Just a Number...Until You Give Up!

I was browsing around on Facebook a few minutes ago and came upon this photo:

When I saw it I shared it with the added caption which is the title of my blog today. I wish I had always acted how I felt and not been so concerned about acting my age.

I grew up way to fast and missed out on a lot of youthful fun, experiences and excitement. I needed to be responsible. I was concerned that my actions would be judged and found inappropriate for a wife, a mother, a productive member of the community. I was under the assumption that what other's thought mattered. 

Now that I am 60-something I have earned the right to enjoy my life doing things my way, sounds kind of familiar doesn't it?!  I don't care that at times I dress too young for my "age". If I put something on that strikes my fancy and makes me smile and feel good I am going to wear it! If I look foolish and folks think I am dressing too young that's too bad. Maybe I am feeling that young and maybe they are missing out! At the end of the day it's not about them and I have already learned it's none of my business what they think so there you have it! 

I have actually discovered that when I feel good I am a much nicer person and those around me benefit from that! So what if it takes some make-up and fashionable attire to make me happy? So what if you are wondering why in the world I would think I could wear this or that? It makes me feel good! I may not be all that thrilled with you have on either!

I have paid my dues. I have done the PTA, the sporting events and plays and school ceremonies. I have been the dedicated wife, mommy, employee, volunteer and host of other things that were not self-focused. It's MY turn. 

I don't care how old the calender says I am. I don't feel that damn old. So why on earth would I act that old? I don't think it's illegal for me to not act my age, or not dress my age or date people not my age. I do know that some people my age do give up. They succumb to the pressures, or ideas that because you reach a certain age you have to give up. I will never give up. I plan to be 90-something and still be out there kicking up my heels! I will still be wearing my boots, yes my red ones. I will still wear short skirts and low cut blouses, as long as I can still get bras that lift the girls!!  I will still do things that I didn't get to do when I was growing up. I will still be enjoying my life and being who I am at that particular time. I may reinvent myself numerous times. 

I feel no need to apologize for this outlook and trust me when I say I am not. I am simply stating that I have not yet reached the age, nor do I foresee reaching such age, where I will give up being me...after all....it is my life, I am, and will continue to live it my way...and I hope with all I have that you too will be be true to yourself....find the place where you are comfortable enough to be who you are no matter what your age! Today I feel spectacular and  30-something and if it weren't so flippin' cold out I would put on a outfit that makes me feel young and sexy and parade around town like no bodies business!! Spring is coming and I'm ready to get out there and dance like no one's watching....ahhhh  life is good, it's mine for the living....doing it my way all the way!!!

Give It Time

The third rule in the 7 cardinal rules for life says; Time heals almost everything, give it time.

I am very glad that it says ALMOST everything. While I find that time lessens the frequency and depth of pain it does not heal it in all cases. Some moments the wound hurts every bit as badly as it did at the time of the event that cased the wound. 

Speaking for myself, and only myself, I know the pain I feel regarding the loss of my husband will never completely heal. There was a time I thought I absolutely could not go on without Matthew. My one desire was for him to come, take me by my hand and take me with him. I thought my life was over and that I could not possibly ever feel life was worth living again. Once in a while I do admit I fall back into that mode of thinking. When things are rough and I am feeling alone and vulnerable I tend to gravitate back into that thought pattern. 

I think we must give ourselves credit for how far we come to overcome some things in our lives. I often fail to recognize how far I have come. When I get swallowed up in a pity abyss I feel like I have failed completely. I have to stop a moment and think back at how long it has been since I wallowed in this pit. I think back to how I used to spend days, weeks and even months anguished and non-functional. I would take to me bed for days on end, shutting out everyone and everything. I would respond to invitations saying I would come and then at the last minute I just couldn't get myself together enough to attend. My grief ruled my life. My tears were ever present. My loss swallowed every ounce of joy I had and left me empty, hopeless and alone with my misery.

I made some really bad choices during this time. Sought comfort in people and things that brought no comfort. Tried to hide my feelings and disguise my pain. Made several feeble attempts to stop it all by attempting suicide. Never ever thinking I could heal. Never daring to dream that my heart could get over my loss. Feeling guilty that I was still here, that my heart was still beating and that I could smile once in a while.

Looking back it was a long road, a tumultuous road. Thinking farther back there were other roads that were rough and filled with pitfalls that I though I would never heal from. Nothing as major as losing my spouse, but at the time traumatic and life changing. Most of those have healed, a few have left scars and others are lost to my mind forever. I have moments of remembrances of some events that may make me twinge for a brief moment. But the pain is no longer there. And when memories of Matthew and losing him hit me I let them flood my mind and my heart and wash away some of the pain. I was so blessed to have had him in my life. Those blessings will NEVER go away. The pain I feel is a reminder of that. I would't ever want that to completely heal. Given time it has eased and lessened. That too is a blessing.

Remember, that what is behind us is behind us...but never forget the things behind us made us what we are today.

I feel the healing going on. I'm living life like I am healed. I'm making better choices and I'm proud of that. Give it time my friends...living life my way and loving it....

None of Your Business

I remember telling my kids and my friends, more than once, "What others think of you is none of your business." Only to now find out it is rule #2 on the list of 7 cardinal rules of life. Do I practice what I preach? I feel I do practice this rule pretty darn well! Because to be honest I really don't give a flip what others think about me probably 97% of the time. But even 3% of unnecessary concern or worry is more than I want in my life.

I find it funny to watch people's expressions when I do or say something that surprises or shocks them. I am such a people person, very open and willing to share what's going on in my life or my thoughts, as they pertain to ME. I am not, however, a people pleaser. When asked I will tell the truth as I see it. I am not saying I am always right, far from it, but what I say is the truth in my mind. If my friend tries something new in fashion and they ask me what I think, I tell them what I think. I would never intentionally hurt their feelings and might try very hard to sugar coat a bad review, but if I didn't like it they would know it.

I do not go out of my way to push my opinions on others. After all if it's none of my business what they think about me therefore it is none of their business what I think about them. I don't have the time (okay maybe I do have too much time on my hands most days) or the energy to make sure they know what I think about them. My friends all know that I love them and in doing so I don't judge them and I accept them as they are. Yes once in a while some of my friends do foolish things (as do I)and I might have some negative thoughts. I don't rush over and tell them. Why? Because it's none of my business. And it's none of their business what I think. If they want to know what I think they will certainly ask me. Then I can offer only my opinion. They can take it for what's it worth.

I know people who don't think very highly of me. You know what? I don't care. I don't expect or want everyone to like me. If everyone liked me I would think I had to be fake somewhere along the line, or at the very least compromising some of my beliefs. By the same token there are people out there that I don't like. A lot of the people I don't like know it. And I don't care that they know it. I will remain civil to them as long as they don't push. I don't have to like everyone. I don't have to tell them why I don't like them, that's my business.

The person I have to please, and believe me when I say that's not always an easy task, is ME! The person I have to listen to and answer to is ME! It is my business what I think about me and what I have to do to succeed in making me happy. If I am too busy worrying about what everyone else thinks of me I miss what is important to me. Have I made the right choices for me? So-and-so thinks I need to do this or that and I should feel this way or that way. No! It doesn't matter what they think, they are not living my life. They are not taking my journey. They don't answer the questions asked by my heart. 

Don't get me wrong, I struggle often. If I want advice or feel the need for intervention or support I will ask. I will listen. I will heed sound advice. I will take that advice and make it my business and apply it to my circumstance. 

Living in a small town I often hear things that are truly NONE of my business. I don't like gossip! I don't care how many people know a certain person and all of their baggage I don't want to hear it, unless the person comes to me and tells me their self it is NONE of my business. It is none of my business even when they do tell me actually, and many times I don't want to hear it then!! If I can help you in some way I will certainly try my best. If you need to vent I can understand that and will listen....if it's about YOU! Please don't come and tell me everyone else's business, it is none of my business and I don't want to think about it.

I have strayed from the subject at hand, guess I needed to go in that direction for a minute. All I am trying to say here is it is none of my business what others think about me. It doesn't matter and it doesn't change who I am. I am not one of those people who has a different face for different people. I am the best me I can be most of the time. I am good at being me. Lately I had lost focus but I am back on track. I am moving full steam ahead to make self discoveries about me and what it is I want out of life. I can't be bothered wondering who approves and who disapproves of me and what I am doing with my life.

This is my life, my one and only life. It has not always been the best. I still make mistakes. I still make bad choices, I know this better than anyone. So think what you will, because I don't care what you think, it's none of my business. Don't worry about what I think about you. It's my life, it's my adventure and what I think is all that counts at the end of the day. Still doing it my way, regardless of what you think!!

My Past is Behind Me

Make peace with your past or it will surely screw up your present. 

That is rule one in the seven cardinal rules of life. In my search for peace, understanding and acceptance of myself I ran across these rules and they spoke to me. I have decided to explore each one as it pertains to me, to dissect it and apply it to my life.

My past. When I am happy I remember lots of good things in my past. When I am sad  my memory is filled with pain and sadness. I suppose it would be superfluous to make peace with the good things as those memories bring joy even in sad times. Obviously I have to make peace with the not so good things in my past.

It is hard to erase negative, a lot of it I believe I have dealt with and made peace with. I believe I have made peace with the actions that were hurtful and painful but not sure I have completely forgiven the people or circumstances behind the actions.  It is hard to forgive what you don't understand. 

I do know that the people who directed my young life did the best they knew how. They were ill equipped to make decisions regarding my future. They did what they thought best. I need to grasp that concept and discard the feelings of inadequacy that plague me even to this day that I just wasn't good enough to be permanently a part of one family. It had absolutely nothing to do with me as a person.  I now believe that, except when I am feeling low, then it grabs me and gives me a good shake. Now that I have knowledge I must use that knowledge to guard my well being. Now when I feel the tentacles of inadequacy from my childhood trying to wrap around my thoughts I will ward them off with thoughts of how I learned to show love and make a safe, loving, caring, nurturing home for my children and how, like any parent, I made the best of every situation to do what was best for them. That part of my past no longer has power over me.

Now onto my 1st marriage. Going into my marriage I was sure that I would be the best wife ever! I wanted nothing more than the happy home, hubby and kiddos. Where things went wrong I'm not sure, nor does it matter at this point. I need to put into perspective why I chose for so many years to blame myself. I never chose to be abused, verbally or physically. I never asked for it.  I never deserved it. Okay, logically I get that. However deep inside I have felt that I did it wrong somewhere along the line. A man doesn't just start lashing out on his wife without reason. A husband doesn't just start hitting his wife for no reason. I had to have doing something wrong. This one I think I really have a handle on. I know that my husband had, and still has, a problem with alcohol. I know that his aggressive behavior worsened when he was drinking. I dodged him many times but sometimes he caught up with me. It had nothing to do with me as a person. Yes I did not deserve his anger and rage. Yes I should have gotten out of it. In the end he left me, devastating me beyond reason. I had failed and I took it badly, very badly and very personally. In the years that followed I came to believe that he did me a favor in leaving. Although it took me a long time to find myself again I was a far better person than the cowering woman I had been with him. I have forgiven him and hold no ill will. That is as long as my heart and mind are in a good place I don't. I have to learn to never peek back at this, as it is not a true reflection of who I am or even who I truly was. My guard against this time will be to remember the good things that came from those years. My beautiful daughter, my oldest son, family and delightful memories. These were gifts that far outweigh any pain or hurt.

When it comes to Matthew I can think of no way he could he screw up my present. My memories of him are pure and true. Only by continuing to grieve so deeply and by holding on to the past can I hurt my present. These are things of my own making. When I am hurting I miss his as much as ever and I close myself in with those precious memories and unfulfilled dreams. In death I have placed him upon a pedestal and still depend on him to some extent to care for me, guide me and protect me. Logically I know he is gone, he is powerless to care for me and will never be here for me again. In my fantasies he will lead me through until I find happiness again. Who is setting whom up here? Matthew is my past, my wonderful, loving, trusting, happy past. Not something I feel I need to make peace with. Yet I do need to let go. I can better honor him by moving on and living life. He would so disapprove of my withdrawal from life and looking down on myself. I have to find peace, I have to know he's in a better place and I have to make my life a better place for me.

The past has nothing to do with what happened between me and David. He made a choice based on his past not on me. He made that choice not because I wasn't good enough but because he wanted what he had in the past.  I could not compete with his past.

My past is behind me. No more looking back and placing blame and believing the lies of the past. The past can only hurt me if I allow it to. The hurts are healing or all ready healed and no longer have a hold on me.

With the help of my therapist and my dear friends and family I will learn to keep the past at bay. I will learn to love myself for who I am and not worry that I am not enough. I will live my life my way and I will know that I am living it my way...the right way for ME. 

My past is behind me, I have made peace with it and it will NOT screw up my present!!

Happy Birthday Baby

Happy birthday to my sweet Matthew. Tomorrow you would turn 51 and not having you here to celebrate is so very very hard my love! Whoever said it gets easier is so very wrong. And with the anniversary of your passing coming nearer my heart cries out with pain and emptiness. It still cannot accept your absence. It still loves you as it always did and it still aches for you. 

This last couple of months have been extremely difficult for me Matthew. You know what a baby I am and how much I need to have someone to care for and spoil. You know I was never cut out to be alone and it has been so hard. I thought you had sent me someone. I thought I would not have to see the holidays, your birthday and your passing anniversary alone this year, but I guess I was wrong. I will tell you that having someone even for that brief period made my heart lighter, and then losing him made me miss you and what we had so much more. I want that again, I know I am blessed to have had you and our story was a true love story but baby I am so lonely. I miss you every day and every night. I miss that feeling of being loved and cherished. You were so great at letting me know how much I meant to you. You were so loving and understanding and giving. Do you even know how much you meant to me. Did I tell you enough and show you enough how much I loved you? Because you did me. You told me, you showed over and over again how much you loved me! 

Baby what I wouldn't give to have you here with me right now so I could tell you happy birthday. So I could hold you in my empty arms and smother you with kisses. To see you smile and hear you call my name. To feel your touch on my cheek, your breath on my face your lips on mine would be sheer heaven. 

I'm trying sweetheart, and I know I will survive, but I want to do more than just survive. I want to be happy again and find love again and I know that you want that for me too. I am asking you to give me a gift on your birthday, please let me know that you are still watching over me. Let me know that you still love me and want me to be happy and fulfilled again. I am so lost tonight, so grieving for you sweet Matthew. Tomorrow you will surely be on my mind throughout the day. Tomorrow I will sing to you and celebrate the years I did have you.   I love you Matthew now and always. You are always in my heart.  I'll see ya baby....xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxxoxo. 

Scattered Pieces

Time to put my life back together! I know what I want. But to be honest that's about all I know for certain. I need to gather the pieces of my life and put the picture in my head together so my life can make sense again. In essence I am putting the puzzle of my life back together.



I have to take pieces from the depths of despair, from my head and heart, from lessons learned, from past mistakes and from my dreams and somehow connect them together to make my future. And not just any future, not a future filled with the same unrealized, unmet hopes but a real future with love, happiness and that deep peace that I so quest after. 

Every life event that I have experienced has had an affect on my thoughts, my heart and my life. Some events have made me stronger, some I have learned valuable lessons from, some taught me things I need to remember and some have taught me I need to let go of certain things. If placed into the puzzle correctly even the most horrid experiences can help complete a wonderful, fulfilling, bright future. I need to remember that in order to write my entire book I have to live each chapter.  I have to complete the puzzle to see in detail the whole picture. I cannot throw away the pieces that were painful or hurtful. I cannot throw away the pieces that are hard to face because of guilt or anger. All those pieces are necessary because they made me who I am and even with imperfections I am amazing and wonderful and deserving and belong in the completed work of art which is my life!

I have hope now that the scattered pieces of my existence can and will be placed back together with meaning and purpose so that I can, not only see my future, but participate wholeheartedly and enthusiastically in making it the life I truly want. My life, that I will live out and enjoy with all that I have! My life to live my way!!

What Do I Want?

With my relationship hopes with David over I find myself questioning "What's next?"

To answer that question I find I have to ask myself more questions. What do I want? How do I go about getting it? Where the hell do I begin?

Like everyone else, I want to be happy. So what do I think will make me happy? The obvious answer is a man.  What kind of man? I want a man that will love me back. I want a man who will accept who I am. A man who will love me quirks and all. An open, honest man who wants to share life's ups and downs with me, kiss away my tears and hold me when I am scared. I want a man that can make me laugh and lights up when I enter the room. A man that likes surprises and practical jokes, who will act silly right along with me.

I know I need to be satisfied with myself before expecting someone else to be satisfied with me. I know I can't depend on someone else for my happiness, but I also know that I am happiest when I have a special man in my life. I enjoy having a man to cater to, to care for, and love. I HATE not having a man in my life. Call me weird, call me crazy and label me old fashioned and co-dependent I don't really care. I am the one in my skin and I'm okay with feeling the need for a partner to walk through this life with.

Yes, I know I have lots of people who love me and care about me. And I have lots of people that I love and care about. Not to diminish that, but it's not the same thing as having someone to share life with on an everyday basis. It's not the same as having a loving partner that kisses you good night every night and good morning each day. It's not the same as having someone right here right now when you need a hug or a gentle kiss. Many people think they understand, but most of them truly don't.

I have to say that David set a very high standard. A standard that I am unwilling to compromise. He had amazing qualities and treated me like I want to be treated. We did things that I enjoyed and I want to continue to do. I want someone to travel with, to go out to dinners with, to snuggle up next to to watch TV. Someone who listens when I talk and tells me his honest opinion when I ask for it. I want someone with honor and the convictions to do what's right. He treated my like a princess and I could get used to that!

Finding someone is a challenge that I have got to be willing to commit to. I cannot sit here in my safe little world and expect my prince to come riding through the hallways in search of me. I cannot and will not settle for less than I deserve. I am through with free social sites!! And most importantly right now, I WILL take my time and not fall for the first guy who comes along. I am not desperate, but am determined to find the right man to get my last "first" kiss. My eyes are open, my heart will heal in time and be ready for the next step.  I have to be proactive and stop being reactive! I have to listen to my intuition and follow my heart.

Today my be the 2nd day of the new year, but it's the 1st day of the rest of my life. A life that I look forward to living. A life, that starting this very moment, I will be more in control of. I can do this, I can find what makes me happy and I can do it MY way. It's my life and I am going to make sure to live it fully!!