Okay, it's February 1st and once again I've made it through. This one was tougher than I remember last year being, I'm puzzled by that, why? Am I fearful that my memories are fading, am I saddened because I continue to move forward with my life, and do I feel guilty? Am I betraying Matthew?
Beginning with Thanksgiving each year Matthew is in my thoughts and on my heart constantly. He LOVED Thanksgiving and it was a major production in our home, many times inviting anyone and everyone who had no place to go for Thanksgiving dinner. We had a full house plus most of the time and he wouldn't have had it any other way. Christmas was MY thing and he indulged me. He knew my traditions were set in stone and as new ideas popped into my head he allowed me to run the show. He humored my Santa belief and made sure my expectations were met. He loved to give and give he did. Then came his birthday on January 8th. He was proud to share his birthday with the late great Elvis Presley. He used to tell people his birthday was the same as Elvis! Usually his birthday was very uneventful as we were nursing our budget from Christmas. Thankfully that last birthday I had managed to save a few bucks and we were able to have a weekend get away, just the two of us. I am so grateful to have that memory. The worst date is January 31st. The day Matthew departed from this world. Every moment of that morning is etched in my brain. That helpless feeling. The panic when he drew his last breath. The emptiness as I was lead from his room. The overwhelming feeling of loneliness when 3 days later I returned to what was once our home. Looking at the pain in my children's faces tortured my heart. How would we survive? How could we go on without the heart of our family?
The first year was the worst. Everything brought memories and pain. Songs, holidays, TV shows, movies, weather, foods, you name it it hurt. Bouts of pure despair were constant. Leaving Texas was painful yet healing. Returning to WI was painful, yet I felt closer to Matthew and more at home. As the years have passed I have found peace more often than not. Yet that time period from Thanksgiving through January 31st is rough. So when I get through it and allow myself to take that deep cleansing breath on February 1st I am pretty proud that I made it! I wonder if I am punishing myself to so extent. I know Matthew would not want that. I know he wants me to live a full happy life and I can do that and still honor him, remember him and love him. My memories are not fading, how can they, I hold them near and dear to my heart. I am moving on with my life because that is meant to be, no going back, no staying in one place. As for guilt, I have no reason to feel guilty. I am not betraying Matthew, I am continuing my life exactly as I should, exactly as he would want me to do.
Yes I made it through and I will continue to make it through no doubt. I made a promise to myself a while back to take control of my life and live it my way. I've made some concessions and may need to rethink a few things but I have no doubt that my life is and will continue to be good and fulfilling. After all it is MY life and I am doing it MY way.
