Sometimes my thoughts are so jumbled...lol Some make no sense and some just keep spinning 'round and 'round. I have found that often if I am dwelling on something, trying to make sense of it or digest it or rid my mind of the clutter of it if I write about it I can settle it in my head.
Today I find myself thinking about forgiveness...In my mind there is a thin line between forgiving and forgetting. I forgive readily, I don't forget so easily. I don't leave myself open to the thing that I forgave again if I can help it. Recently I had a conversation with someone who said to me "how can you except God to forgive you if you don't practice to forgive?" Yikes...wrong thing to say to me, but it has festered in my thoughts for some time now. I told this person to hold up, don't even go there with me....and shut myself off from him almost immediately. My spirituality is mine to deal with and NO one else's. So we won't venture there at this point. This is what I've figured out....If someone hurts me, or someone I hold dear in my heart, I back away. I know that we all handle pressures, stressors and life's circumstances differently. I work very hard on trying not to judge. And if I'm hurt or someone I love is hurt by a particular person I may or may not have something to forgive. At any rate I simply remove myself from the situation. If I had something to forgive I forgive under the heading of "That's who they are and they probably have not idea what they've done or how to fix it." But.....I do not chose to participate in their drama or repeat the same drama over and over again. If you know someone stuck in a pattern of bad choices or bad behavior get the hell out!!! I have been around long enough in dysfunctional life styles that I know I cannot fix this person or even help them in a constructive way so why bring the pain to my own doorstep? No I have not lost my compassion or objectivity, I have learned my limitations. I lose enough sleep over my own bad choices or insensitivities, I certainly don't need to borrow someone else's drama! I look at certain events in my past and wonder why I spent so much time agonizing over people and circumstances that I had and never will have any control over. I can still love someone and wish them all the luck in the world and not become involved in their drama. I have forgiven what needs to be forgiven but I have not and probably will not forget. I am smart enough not to be indebted to finding myself sucked into their chaos. Just because you love someone does not mean you have to be condoning of their misery and certainly don't have to be a part of it. We are all individuals who make choices and take different paths. I am responsible for the road I travel and I accept that. I listen and learn when I chose just like everyone else. I have tried to help people that chose not to be helped. Does that mean I have to continue to try to help them, no it does not. If I can live with the fact that I have no control over them and their choices they will have to accept that. I will not beat my head or my heart against a brick wall any longer. It is true that when someone I love hurts I hurt for them. But if that person keeps making the same mistakes and has used my compassion up with bad choices and lies and disrespect it is time for me to step back and draw a line for my own self preservation and peace. It may seem selfish to some but to me it is a matter of taking care of myself. I've given and given and given over the years trying to make peace for everyone and worried when I know the people I was worried about never gave thought to my concern. I'm simply done. Time for my life to be peaceful even if some people think me wrong. After all it is my life and it's none of my business what others think! There comes a time when we all must carry our own burdens, and if we burn all of our bridges we have to carry them alone. There are many times when I struggle to carry my own and I know I have burned some bridges and it's okay because I'm stronger than I have ever been. It's truly my life and I'm living it to the best of my ability and enjoying it as I go. If I make mistakes I forgive myself, learn from them and keep on moving forward.
Monday, April 11, 2016
Tuesday, February 9, 2016
I Don't Know
I don't seem to know much these days. I find myself frustrated with life, with people, with myself and am not even certain why? Health wise I am great, I am eating healthy and losing weight but don't seem to be too motivated to workout or even walk like I used to. I find myself spending most of my time alone, going out alone and actually enjoying it. I have no patience for drama or those who bring it. I feel like I am fed up with the status quo.
I know I have made a lot of changes in my life, some are good, but perhaps others are not. I can't explain myself. I know I need, or at least want, to make some changes, I know I want certain things to happen in my life, I just am not sure what to do to implement these changes.
I feel I know myself better now than I ever have and I'm puzzled by some of the things I have discovered about myself. I don't know if I've evolved or have simply been hiding some truths about myself so well I didn't even know them. Paradigm shifts have taken place that I never saw coming.
This thing called "life" is so complicated. I know I tend to overthink things at times. I know other times I don't think. I want to hit that happy medium and be more confident in my decisions.
I need to balance my wants and my needs. They are, after all, 2 entirely different things. I of course, like everyone else, would like my needs to be met. I would like my wants to be realistic and achievable.
I again must remind myself that I can control only myself, and sometimes that is a challenge. I need to stop setting myself up for failure. I need to surround myself with positive and walk away from negative. I need to be kind and caring without being used and taken for granted. I need to take risks to discover my own happiness.
My own company is getting better. My reasoning is taking on new dimensions, allowing my to see more than one scenario before me. I have found that I have enough empathy to be able to put myself in another's shoes and for the first time see why they don't see things my way. My way is not always the only way or the right way, something I have always said but maybe didn't fully believe? Is compromise something that I need to work on? Where is the line between compromise and giving in to the point where one feels used, abused or fooled?
Well, what I do know today is the sun is shining. It's bitter cold outside, but here inside with my little granddaughter who never ceases to make me smile and gives me unconditional trust and love, it's warm and comfortable. And for today that's all I need. I can't solve all my issues and change in one day. I am a work in progress. I am who I am and if I change or evolve I will still be me, have my heart, feel my feelings and move forward, even if just an inch at a time.
I'm up for the challenge. I accept my journey, I will continue to learn, to change and to live my life. I am my partner for life and need to be comfortable in my own skin. This is my life, I'm doing in my way and I'll not give up until I get it right!
I know I have made a lot of changes in my life, some are good, but perhaps others are not. I can't explain myself. I know I need, or at least want, to make some changes, I know I want certain things to happen in my life, I just am not sure what to do to implement these changes.
I feel I know myself better now than I ever have and I'm puzzled by some of the things I have discovered about myself. I don't know if I've evolved or have simply been hiding some truths about myself so well I didn't even know them. Paradigm shifts have taken place that I never saw coming.
This thing called "life" is so complicated. I know I tend to overthink things at times. I know other times I don't think. I want to hit that happy medium and be more confident in my decisions.
I need to balance my wants and my needs. They are, after all, 2 entirely different things. I of course, like everyone else, would like my needs to be met. I would like my wants to be realistic and achievable.
I again must remind myself that I can control only myself, and sometimes that is a challenge. I need to stop setting myself up for failure. I need to surround myself with positive and walk away from negative. I need to be kind and caring without being used and taken for granted. I need to take risks to discover my own happiness.
My own company is getting better. My reasoning is taking on new dimensions, allowing my to see more than one scenario before me. I have found that I have enough empathy to be able to put myself in another's shoes and for the first time see why they don't see things my way. My way is not always the only way or the right way, something I have always said but maybe didn't fully believe? Is compromise something that I need to work on? Where is the line between compromise and giving in to the point where one feels used, abused or fooled?
Well, what I do know today is the sun is shining. It's bitter cold outside, but here inside with my little granddaughter who never ceases to make me smile and gives me unconditional trust and love, it's warm and comfortable. And for today that's all I need. I can't solve all my issues and change in one day. I am a work in progress. I am who I am and if I change or evolve I will still be me, have my heart, feel my feelings and move forward, even if just an inch at a time.
I'm up for the challenge. I accept my journey, I will continue to learn, to change and to live my life. I am my partner for life and need to be comfortable in my own skin. This is my life, I'm doing in my way and I'll not give up until I get it right!
Monday, February 1, 2016
Made It Through....Never A Doubt
Okay, it's February 1st and once again I've made it through. This one was tougher than I remember last year being, I'm puzzled by that, why? Am I fearful that my memories are fading, am I saddened because I continue to move forward with my life, and do I feel guilty? Am I betraying Matthew?
Beginning with Thanksgiving each year Matthew is in my thoughts and on my heart constantly. He LOVED Thanksgiving and it was a major production in our home, many times inviting anyone and everyone who had no place to go for Thanksgiving dinner. We had a full house plus most of the time and he wouldn't have had it any other way. Christmas was MY thing and he indulged me. He knew my traditions were set in stone and as new ideas popped into my head he allowed me to run the show. He humored my Santa belief and made sure my expectations were met. He loved to give and give he did. Then came his birthday on January 8th. He was proud to share his birthday with the late great Elvis Presley. He used to tell people his birthday was the same as Elvis! Usually his birthday was very uneventful as we were nursing our budget from Christmas. Thankfully that last birthday I had managed to save a few bucks and we were able to have a weekend get away, just the two of us. I am so grateful to have that memory. The worst date is January 31st. The day Matthew departed from this world. Every moment of that morning is etched in my brain. That helpless feeling. The panic when he drew his last breath. The emptiness as I was lead from his room. The overwhelming feeling of loneliness when 3 days later I returned to what was once our home. Looking at the pain in my children's faces tortured my heart. How would we survive? How could we go on without the heart of our family?
The first year was the worst. Everything brought memories and pain. Songs, holidays, TV shows, movies, weather, foods, you name it it hurt. Bouts of pure despair were constant. Leaving Texas was painful yet healing. Returning to WI was painful, yet I felt closer to Matthew and more at home. As the years have passed I have found peace more often than not. Yet that time period from Thanksgiving through January 31st is rough. So when I get through it and allow myself to take that deep cleansing breath on February 1st I am pretty proud that I made it! I wonder if I am punishing myself to so extent. I know Matthew would not want that. I know he wants me to live a full happy life and I can do that and still honor him, remember him and love him. My memories are not fading, how can they, I hold them near and dear to my heart. I am moving on with my life because that is meant to be, no going back, no staying in one place. As for guilt, I have no reason to feel guilty. I am not betraying Matthew, I am continuing my life exactly as I should, exactly as he would want me to do.
Yes I made it through and I will continue to make it through no doubt. I made a promise to myself a while back to take control of my life and live it my way. I've made some concessions and may need to rethink a few things but I have no doubt that my life is and will continue to be good and fulfilling. After all it is MY life and I am doing it MY way.
Beginning with Thanksgiving each year Matthew is in my thoughts and on my heart constantly. He LOVED Thanksgiving and it was a major production in our home, many times inviting anyone and everyone who had no place to go for Thanksgiving dinner. We had a full house plus most of the time and he wouldn't have had it any other way. Christmas was MY thing and he indulged me. He knew my traditions were set in stone and as new ideas popped into my head he allowed me to run the show. He humored my Santa belief and made sure my expectations were met. He loved to give and give he did. Then came his birthday on January 8th. He was proud to share his birthday with the late great Elvis Presley. He used to tell people his birthday was the same as Elvis! Usually his birthday was very uneventful as we were nursing our budget from Christmas. Thankfully that last birthday I had managed to save a few bucks and we were able to have a weekend get away, just the two of us. I am so grateful to have that memory. The worst date is January 31st. The day Matthew departed from this world. Every moment of that morning is etched in my brain. That helpless feeling. The panic when he drew his last breath. The emptiness as I was lead from his room. The overwhelming feeling of loneliness when 3 days later I returned to what was once our home. Looking at the pain in my children's faces tortured my heart. How would we survive? How could we go on without the heart of our family?
The first year was the worst. Everything brought memories and pain. Songs, holidays, TV shows, movies, weather, foods, you name it it hurt. Bouts of pure despair were constant. Leaving Texas was painful yet healing. Returning to WI was painful, yet I felt closer to Matthew and more at home. As the years have passed I have found peace more often than not. Yet that time period from Thanksgiving through January 31st is rough. So when I get through it and allow myself to take that deep cleansing breath on February 1st I am pretty proud that I made it! I wonder if I am punishing myself to so extent. I know Matthew would not want that. I know he wants me to live a full happy life and I can do that and still honor him, remember him and love him. My memories are not fading, how can they, I hold them near and dear to my heart. I am moving on with my life because that is meant to be, no going back, no staying in one place. As for guilt, I have no reason to feel guilty. I am not betraying Matthew, I am continuing my life exactly as I should, exactly as he would want me to do.
Yes I made it through and I will continue to make it through no doubt. I made a promise to myself a while back to take control of my life and live it my way. I've made some concessions and may need to rethink a few things but I have no doubt that my life is and will continue to be good and fulfilling. After all it is MY life and I am doing it MY way.
Tuesday, September 22, 2015
Ripples and Waves
My entire trip has been much different than I had envisioned. I have come to see in the grand scheme of things I am merely a ripple in the grand sea of life. Ripples don't necessarily make changes in the water the way waves do. They simply move on through the water to their destination. Often unnoticed these ripples sometimes carry bits and pieces of life remnants with them. It's not until these ripples join together at the end of a journey can one see the beauty each experience has contributed to the adventure of life.
My adventures are far from over and I hope that the truths I have discovered on this leg of my journey will serve me well. To remind me how precious my loved ones are to me, how important it is to show kindness and consideration in words and deed, and how to share the enormous love I have in my heart and soul. Not everyone is accepting, not everyone is capable, and certainly not everyone wants to be embraced by light in the same manner that's what makes us unique.
As I move forward in my life it is my hope that those I come in contact with get a sense of how much I love and care about them. I may not change their lives like a crashing wave but I hope my ripples enhance their life experiences.
My adventures are far from over and I hope that the truths I have discovered on this leg of my journey will serve me well. To remind me how precious my loved ones are to me, how important it is to show kindness and consideration in words and deed, and how to share the enormous love I have in my heart and soul. Not everyone is accepting, not everyone is capable, and certainly not everyone wants to be embraced by light in the same manner that's what makes us unique.
As I move forward in my life it is my hope that those I come in contact with get a sense of how much I love and care about them. I may not change their lives like a crashing wave but I hope my ripples enhance their life experiences.
Tuesday, August 18, 2015
Happy 25th Anniversary Matthew
How is it possible that Matthew has been gone for 5 years? The time has flew at times and dragged at other times. The memories are still crystal clear and strong. The pain has faded but still comes, especially with special occasions. This year would have brought our silver anniversary. An anniversary that had looked forward to and talked about and made plans for.
It's funny how my sub conscience knew before my mind grasped the fact that our anniversary was coming. For days I had felt out of sorts and emotional, then it dawned on me...
I find solace in writing to Matthew. I find it therapeutic to share my thoughts hoping my words find their way to a heart that needs to read them. I have faith that my dear sweet Matthew sees them and they make his heart smile as thoughts of him certainly make my heart smile. I wrote this message to my dear husband this morning.
Oh Matthew, the last few days a flood of memories have replayed through my mind. Twenty five years! Today we would have been married 25years! Our Silver Wedding Anniversary was to be such a special occasion. We had Hawaii in out sights remember. We talked about our children pooling together and sending us off in grand style, okay, I'm sure that part was a stretch, but nonetheless our plans included a romantic Hawaiian getaway.
Our plans.....my how things change. Our plans were to grow old together, to travel the country and visit our children and grandchildren as much as we wanted, to nap any time we wanted and to love each other forever.
This morning as remember you I can't help the tears that slide down my cheeks. I can't help but mourn the fact that our story never had the fairy tale ending that we dreamed of. But our story isn't over. Our love story lives on in what we leave behind. We created life together, we created memories together and we created a legacy for those we love and care about.
When I look at our children I see you. I remember your proud loving face as you instantly fell in love with our sons. I remember you lovingly caring for them. I remember you cradling David as we walked the floor, both of us crying, when he suffered with night terrors. I remember your vigilance when we had to do blood sugars on Daniel all through the night. I remember all the selfless sacrifices you made for our family Matthew.
I was incredibly fortunate to have had you as my husband Beebers! The unconditional love you showered me with was an amazing gift. You took a woman that had been badly bruised by the harshness of life and you showed her that love could indeed be beautiful. You taught me to trust again. I remember you asking me, "do you trust me?" And I did.
Happy Anniversary my special angel! 💜💖
I miss you Matthew, I miss what we had. I love you still, always will. At the end of the day our love story was as it was supposed to be.
It's funny how my sub conscience knew before my mind grasped the fact that our anniversary was coming. For days I had felt out of sorts and emotional, then it dawned on me...
I find solace in writing to Matthew. I find it therapeutic to share my thoughts hoping my words find their way to a heart that needs to read them. I have faith that my dear sweet Matthew sees them and they make his heart smile as thoughts of him certainly make my heart smile. I wrote this message to my dear husband this morning.
Oh Matthew, the last few days a flood of memories have replayed through my mind. Twenty five years! Today we would have been married 25years! Our Silver Wedding Anniversary was to be such a special occasion. We had Hawaii in out sights remember. We talked about our children pooling together and sending us off in grand style, okay, I'm sure that part was a stretch, but nonetheless our plans included a romantic Hawaiian getaway.
Our plans.....my how things change. Our plans were to grow old together, to travel the country and visit our children and grandchildren as much as we wanted, to nap any time we wanted and to love each other forever.
This morning as remember you I can't help the tears that slide down my cheeks. I can't help but mourn the fact that our story never had the fairy tale ending that we dreamed of. But our story isn't over. Our love story lives on in what we leave behind. We created life together, we created memories together and we created a legacy for those we love and care about.
When I look at our children I see you. I remember your proud loving face as you instantly fell in love with our sons. I remember you lovingly caring for them. I remember you cradling David as we walked the floor, both of us crying, when he suffered with night terrors. I remember your vigilance when we had to do blood sugars on Daniel all through the night. I remember all the selfless sacrifices you made for our family Matthew.
I was incredibly fortunate to have had you as my husband Beebers! The unconditional love you showered me with was an amazing gift. You took a woman that had been badly bruised by the harshness of life and you showed her that love could indeed be beautiful. You taught me to trust again. I remember you asking me, "do you trust me?" And I did.
Happy Anniversary my special angel! 💜💖
I miss you Matthew, I miss what we had. I love you still, always will. At the end of the day our love story was as it was supposed to be.
Tuesday, July 7, 2015
Today Is A New Day
As I sit here this morning along side my sweet David I am reminded of simple things. Simple things we often take for granted. Simple things that might sound dull or boring to others when shared. I love the simple things with him. Even the simple things are comforting and exciting at the same time. Right now we are both on our laptops, he is reading articles to help me better understand my new chrome book and android and I am writing about him. Both pursuing our interests but sharing the same space. Just being next to him makes everything sweeter. Looking up and watching him scroll through the articles he is browsing makes me smile. Reaching out and touching his hand brings such pleasure. Talking quietly about technology is rewarding to my heart. Even when silent we are sharing our existence. We are both very aware of the other. We have both come to the conclusion that our world is a better place with the other being a part of it. The feeling of awe in my spirit makes me giddy. The completeness I feel with him next to me is indescribable. How did I get so lucky?
Everyday is special because we experience things anew! What do I mean by that? When I got up this morning, as I do every morning, it was the first time I ever woke up on this date, Tuesday July 7, 2015. It's the first time I lived on this date and in essences every single thing I do today will be new to this day! So if I don't take things for granted everything can be new and exciting! I can see things with new eyes. Experience things from a new prospective and appreciate things I didn't appreciate yesterday.
I am excited that I get to spend several days with my wonderful man and I can tell you, I plan to make the most of it. I plan to be appreciative of him and his kindnesses, I plan to show kindness and love at every opportunity. I plan to make sweet memories and enjoy every moment we share. It is the first time we have shared THIS day together. I am so very thankful to have the opportunity to show him how special and important he is to me. I am grateful to be able to spend this time with him. And I am extremely lucky to have him in my life!! And you know what? He is extremely lucky to have me too! We are a good fit and balance each other out very well. We are beyond lucky to have found each other and we both are very aware of that fact! We reached an agreement early on in our relationship that I would teach him to fly and he would teach me to touch down safely. And that works for us.
Today I will live my life to the fullest and I will share my dreams and love with this wonderful man! Life is so good and I am so happy that I get to live it with David by my side. I am happy to share him with my family and friends. I am flying high and know that when I'm ready to land I will be safely directed in for a smooth landing by my rock of a man! Life is good...live it and love it!!!!
Everyday is special because we experience things anew! What do I mean by that? When I got up this morning, as I do every morning, it was the first time I ever woke up on this date, Tuesday July 7, 2015. It's the first time I lived on this date and in essences every single thing I do today will be new to this day! So if I don't take things for granted everything can be new and exciting! I can see things with new eyes. Experience things from a new prospective and appreciate things I didn't appreciate yesterday.
I am excited that I get to spend several days with my wonderful man and I can tell you, I plan to make the most of it. I plan to be appreciative of him and his kindnesses, I plan to show kindness and love at every opportunity. I plan to make sweet memories and enjoy every moment we share. It is the first time we have shared THIS day together. I am so very thankful to have the opportunity to show him how special and important he is to me. I am grateful to be able to spend this time with him. And I am extremely lucky to have him in my life!! And you know what? He is extremely lucky to have me too! We are a good fit and balance each other out very well. We are beyond lucky to have found each other and we both are very aware of that fact! We reached an agreement early on in our relationship that I would teach him to fly and he would teach me to touch down safely. And that works for us.
Today I will live my life to the fullest and I will share my dreams and love with this wonderful man! Life is so good and I am so happy that I get to live it with David by my side. I am happy to share him with my family and friends. I am flying high and know that when I'm ready to land I will be safely directed in for a smooth landing by my rock of a man! Life is good...live it and love it!!!!
Sunday, June 7, 2015
Owning Up
Today I am thinking about people in general and our inability to own up to our shortcomings and mistakes.
We are so quick to place blame and make excuses for our actions. We readily see the flaws in others and have very little compassion for the transgressions of others, even when we have been in the exact same place.
I wonder how we can look into the mirror at our own reflection and take ourselves so seriously knowing who we really are?
Most of know we are not perfect. Most of us accept that we have made, and will probably continue to make, mistakes, bad choices and exercise poor judgement. A lot, if not all of us, minimize this. Many of us sit in judgement of those we see struggling to get through life with some dignity, muddling through mistakes and mishaps. When we remember we have struggled, we have made mistakes, and we are far from perfect we can soften our heart and find compassion. If we constantly place blame and find fault with everyone but ourselves however, peace will indeed be illusive.
Particularly in a relationship, be it a romantic, friendship, co workers or even neighbors, finger pointing, and blame placing are such negative aspects that the relationship can be totally ripped apart and repair can be difficult if not impossible. All because of that mentality of "what you did was so much worse than what I did". Own it! For crying out loud we cannot run away from our responsibility of self. Others see and know we are not perfect, why can we not accept that ourselves? Bitterness and unhappiness are killers of joy and peace. Looking for others to blame for your circumstances and failures will eat you alive.
In short I want to accept my shortcomings, strive to be a better person and love myself. I want to not be judgmental and know when to walk away from toxic relationships. I want to care without being taken advantage of. I want to go to bed at night thinking, "I have enjoyed my life today and I did it my way without judgement and I'm happy".
I have finally realize that indeed all things have a season and sometimes things end and its okay. Other things move into our lives and bring new ideas, situations and experiences. Moving forward often is painful, but it is so very rewarding.
The first step in any journey is knowing where we want to go and who we want to be. We must own our feelings and our mistakes. That's how we grown. We need to like what we see in the mirror. If we don't like what we see in our own skin it will be very hard to like anyone else.
I have learned so much about myself over the past few years. I have come to have a respect for myself that I never had before. I like it. I like feeling a little more in control of my feelings, my future. I am truly living my life my way and I am loving it!
We are so quick to place blame and make excuses for our actions. We readily see the flaws in others and have very little compassion for the transgressions of others, even when we have been in the exact same place.
I wonder how we can look into the mirror at our own reflection and take ourselves so seriously knowing who we really are?
Most of know we are not perfect. Most of us accept that we have made, and will probably continue to make, mistakes, bad choices and exercise poor judgement. A lot, if not all of us, minimize this. Many of us sit in judgement of those we see struggling to get through life with some dignity, muddling through mistakes and mishaps. When we remember we have struggled, we have made mistakes, and we are far from perfect we can soften our heart and find compassion. If we constantly place blame and find fault with everyone but ourselves however, peace will indeed be illusive.
Particularly in a relationship, be it a romantic, friendship, co workers or even neighbors, finger pointing, and blame placing are such negative aspects that the relationship can be totally ripped apart and repair can be difficult if not impossible. All because of that mentality of "what you did was so much worse than what I did". Own it! For crying out loud we cannot run away from our responsibility of self. Others see and know we are not perfect, why can we not accept that ourselves? Bitterness and unhappiness are killers of joy and peace. Looking for others to blame for your circumstances and failures will eat you alive.
In short I want to accept my shortcomings, strive to be a better person and love myself. I want to not be judgmental and know when to walk away from toxic relationships. I want to care without being taken advantage of. I want to go to bed at night thinking, "I have enjoyed my life today and I did it my way without judgement and I'm happy".
I have finally realize that indeed all things have a season and sometimes things end and its okay. Other things move into our lives and bring new ideas, situations and experiences. Moving forward often is painful, but it is so very rewarding.
The first step in any journey is knowing where we want to go and who we want to be. We must own our feelings and our mistakes. That's how we grown. We need to like what we see in the mirror. If we don't like what we see in our own skin it will be very hard to like anyone else.
I have learned so much about myself over the past few years. I have come to have a respect for myself that I never had before. I like it. I like feeling a little more in control of my feelings, my future. I am truly living my life my way and I am loving it!
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