Sometimes we take a break from something that we love and there is no reason. Whether we get sidetracked with work, play, struggles or just plain laziness we may experience a void and not even realize where it is coming from.
When I began this blog it was as therapy for myself and to help the people who love and care about me to understand my changing moods and struggles. I also thought that maybe some of my struggles and circumstances might help someone else going through ups and downs to know for certain that they are not alone.
I have experienced some tough times the past few weeks and unfortunately choose to shut down and retreat into my "smiley" world.
When I say that I really mean to show a smile and pretend that all is fine with the world, all the while hurting, keeping to myself as much as possible and trying not to let anyone know that I am in pain yet again. This is when I tell myself that people are sick and tired of my moods, that is has been long enough that I shouldn't still be crying and feeling alone and miserable and that if I were as strong as everyone seems to think I am I wouldn't be acting and feeling this way. I remind myself that my dear Matthew would NOT be proud of me, that I am letting him down and that perhaps this is all there is. With all these thoughts going through my mind I still cannot pull myself out of the funk. How long is this going to last? Will I feel like this forever?
Suddenly I got a message from a former classmate simply asking why I had stopped writing my blog. Why had I stopped? Was I at a place that I thought no one cared? Was I afraid to write the truth? Was I just tired of writing? Was I out of things to say? Yes and no to all of the above. What matters to me? I love to write, to share my feelings, my thoughts and my experiences. Do I think no one cares? Of course at times I do feel they are tired of hearing it, tired of trying to make me feel better, tired of "being there" for me. That is mostly in my mind. Afraid to write the truth? Maybe a bit. I don't want to be judged but at the same time others are going through the same thing and I am not judging them and they need to know they aren't alone. And those that do judge, go ahead, I really don't care anymore. I will never run out of things to say....LOL! So thanks to my former classmate and friend, thank you for waking me up, and encouraging me, because I am not done. I am back and I hope I bring with me something you can enjoy and even find helpful as we continue to go through this world. Let's reach for the brass ring....this is my life, only I can change it, only I can live it...life IS good, let's live!!!!
