Another anniversary! Another special occasion! Another date!
Even though not a day goes by that I don't think about Matthew there are those days that are so hard to get through. The what if's the if only's the I wishes.
Today, on what would have been our 23rd wedding anniversary the wounds are open and feel so fresh. The pain and total unfairness are overwhelming. And even though I have moved forward I feel like I am right back there again, knowing that my wonderful husband is dying and that I am powerless to stop it! Reliving it all from beginning to end. Still questioning, still searching for meaning, still grasping for some sort of understanding and sense to the whole thing. I want to cry out "Stop", "wake up", "please tell me this is all a horrid dream". But then I realize this is my reality. A reality worse than nightmare. The love I have to give is still beating in my heart. My heart doesn't understand that he is gone. It needs to love. It tries to love. It wants to love. What a mess I have made. I let my heart love someone totally unworthy of the kind of love I carry in my heart.
I know that there is someone out there that my heart can love as it did Matthew and that Matthew will be happy to allow in my life. I know Matthew wants me to be loved in the same way he loved me, unashamed, totally and completely, treasured, valued and never ending! I know that he will help direct me and that he will show me how to let that love loose again and to accept being loved again.
I know that Matthew's life was full and happy, he truly lived a lifetime. I know he is sad that I miss him so much and continue to grieve for him, but I also know he understands and he comforts me and he is watching out for me. He has closed doors that I should not have walked through, but stubborn me pushed through them anyway. But Matthew has remained there beside me, never tiring of picking me up, perhaps shaking his head, but still smiling that Matthew smile knowing I'm gonna do what I'm gonna do...living my life my way, crap and all...lol Life is good and I'm gonna make it better....Thanks Matthew for still loving me...for still having my back and for the memories....I love you
