Where to begin? I am struggling. Don't know what I want to do, where I want to go or what I want to change. I just KNOW I don't want to be in this exact same spot next year!
I feel I am in limbo. Trapped in a jungle with no map. What happens if I go that way? Where will I end up if I chose that direction? What pitfall awaits me if I turn in that direction? I am drifting. Occasionally I find safety in a snug harbor, where I glimpse the life I want. Only then a storm appears out of no where and I am tossed into an unpredictable whirlpool of uncertainty and doubt.
There seems to be constant pain in my heart.
The above was an entry I worked on on December 31st. Obviously I was overwhelmed and to be honest not much has changed to date.
I just had a two day melt down and am trying with all I have to pull myself up today and take a slow deep breathe and see if I can find my center. Is that what I want to do? HELL no. What I want to do is throw a fit, hurt someone, maybe myself included. I want to scream to the top of my lungs that "I" matter, that "I" have unmet needs and that "I" am far from defeated!!
But I am learning ....am holding onto knowledge that will help me. I didn't go off the deep end and eat everything in sight, I didn't run to the nearest store and buy cigarettes. I didn't drown my sorrow in the first bottle of liquor I could get my hands on. Because I want to do it right this time. I don't want to blame failure on failure. So I slept, I cried, I cursed, I wrote, I talked to the source of my confusion and I shut all other influences and voices out.
You see I know only I have the answers I seek. Only I know what I will and will not accept. For once I am demanding honesty from not only myself but from the other person in this private relationship. Only through complete honesty can I hope to find the trust, freedom and desire to continue on with or without this person. For far too long I have cared about what EVERYONE else thinks is best for me, what everyone else thinks I should do or feel. NOT ANY MORE!!! What I think, what I feel and what I care about is ALL that matters at this moment. I am on the edge of a cliff of discovery, I may fall, but I may stand strong and whole! I may not find what I am hoping to find, but it may set me free all the same. To be so in love with someone that you can hardly breath is a kind of jail especially when it has to be so secret so hidden. I want to shout to the rooftops, to let the world know....agony!
I am rambling, not make sense even to my own brain/heart.
Right now this is my life, my prison and I am seeking answers from the only person they matter from, WE need to figure this out, WE only know the answers for US. While I am sure most have ideas and opinions you really know NOTHING about this situation so don't be offended if I keep to myself and smile and do exactly what I wish because even if it's wrong it is MY choice, my life and I will do it MY way!!!
