The numbness of yesterday is subsiding and full panic is creeping into my brain and heart as the tears flow freely now. I didn't think there were anymore tears, I have to have shed buckets of them already. The desire to text David is overwhelming yet I know at some point I have to stop. I don't want to. I don't want to give up on him, I keep thinking in my fairy tale way that he will realize he loves me and that he is risking our happiness and that he will be here at my side telling me over and over again that he was so wrong and that I really am enough and all he needs.
I still try to makes some sense out of her timing? Did she sense he was moving on? Did she have someone in her life for a while that didn't work out and now she too knows loneliness? How could she throw someone out of your life only to decide when it is convenient for her to tell him "he" owes her a chance to get back together? What total selfish logic. So they had a life, so they had kids, so they weren't happy, it happens every day to thousands of people. You go on, you remain friends life does not end as you know it. She has taken something precious from me and I hate her for it. She has taken something precious from him, never once thinking of his needs or the fact that he may have other plans for his life, thinking only of her selfish wants. There are no kids coming into play here. I had 2 children by 2 different husbands, they are grown 2 of those children's father is not involved in there lives and the the father of the other 2 has passed away. I do ok without them, not that it is always easy but they are not there. At least David is there for his child....he does NOT need to be there for her.
Why can't he wake up and see she is chasing the past. Something that once was? They can't regain their youth, their lost passion, there carefree existence. What does she want? There is more than meets the eye here and I can't stand the thought that he is somehow being duped. This wonderful man that has an innocent little child there in is spirit that wants to be with me and get excited over little things and learn to fly. He has paid his dues, he deserves to be happy and I just don't think it's with her. He has always worked hard, he took care of his family and his responsibility let him be done now...let him enjoy being with someone who wants to put him first in every aspect, who's soul mission is to make him happy thus making herself happy as well. I can't do this everyday, wake up feeling this pain, this loss, this emptiness. I can't mourn his loss every time I think of him and a memory of our wonderful moments together wash over me.
I told him I will wait, and wait I will. I told him I will try to live my life as I was when I met him and I will, hopefully the melancholy will decrease and some joy can once again come into my life. My loving 100% is not always a good thing. I am left bruise and afraid to trust and oh so very very hurt and lonely.
Holiday time is already such an unsettling time for me, how will I ever make it through. People tell me there is someone out there for me, I thought I found him, I know I did but yet again I lost him.
I am not blogging for sympathy, I am but venting my feelings, trying to make sense of something that my heart just can't untangle. Trying to understand why one person has to endure so much pain when all she wants is to love someone with here whole heart and be loved right back. David you know you love me.
I do believe in happy endings, and someday I will have mine, maybe not until I join Matthew. It may not be all about my way, it may be my life, and I may be trying to live it my way, but maybe I am just too small or too unimportant to be heard.
