It's dark and chilly and I am alone in the quiet morning hours. Alone with my thoughts. My mind unsure of the direction it is going hesitates with each word I write. Thoughts of isolation are being bounced around in my head. Isolated, alone, separated, enclosed or encased by my self. Is it good or bad?
Sometimes when I am hurting, unsure of myself, or just too tired to deal with anymore of life's twists and turns or drama I retreat into my own little world. I have done this as far back as I can remember. I enter a place where I hear only my voice. Only my thoughts can enter here. Here I am free to express myself however I want. I can cry, I can laugh, I can yell or scream. I can attempt to sort out my feelings and no toes are stepped on, except my own.
For during this time I usually have my life's events under a microscope! Ever examining not only the event but my reactions. Asking the whys and the what ifs. Searching for answers and peace of mind. And assuming. Assuming, how I hate that word. Jumping to a conclusion. Thinking I know what others mean or feel. Especially when my feelings are hurt. Rehashing it over and over in my mind. Like watching reruns for the 100th time.
What exactly am I hiding from? Why am I hiding? Does it help?
Perhaps I am hiding from judgment, from hurt and pain. From prying eyes and loose tongues. I know I don't want to let anyone see me at my worst. I get tired of putting on the face of strength. I get tired of advice. I get tired of sympathy even at times. I am hiding because I want to be left alone. Left to figure out where the hell I am going and what it is I want. Because honestly I don't know!! Oh what I want I can't have. I want my life back as it was. Knowing that will never be I and to conclude what would make me happy now in the real world. I always think I know but there always seems to be an obstacle that needs to be overcome in one form or another.
So does it help to isolate? Honestly somedays I think yes. And if I were more positive with myself, more compassionate to myself I would be better served. There are also times that I know it is not good and I have to get out and be with people for my own sanity. Times when I am so hard on myself and others when my focus becomes distorted and harsh.
I will make it someday to a place where I can accept where I am and who I have become. Hopefully it will include someone I can share my life with. Until that day I can only do the best I can to live my life one day at a time. Life is good and I will keep looking for that good!
