In hindsight, yes I know perfect vision hindsight, I knew I was fighting a losing battle. But as any woman knows "we" can love them enough to win their heart and change them into the man of our dreams! But you know what I learned, not all men have a heart. It's true! Some men have only the instinct to do what feels good to them at any cost. They don't care who they hurt in the process. A cheating man hurts not only his mate, but the woman he cheats with. The families get hurt because they see someone they love getting hurt.
Yes it is supposed to be all hush-hush and HE is probably good at keeping it under wraps, but she (being me) needs to talk with someone about her dilemma. She needs a sounding board and some kind of validation. She has a conscience and knows in her heart of hearts that she is doomed. She really does care what others think but is so unaccepting of any reasonable advice. She is blinded by what she thinks is the love of a man, who if she really could see logically, who is CHEATING for heavens sake!! Is he capable of true love when he is cheating on his own wife? I ran across a saying early on in the relationship that said, "if you love two women, chose the second, because if you loved the first one, there wouldn't be a second". As crazy as it sounds, I believed it! I truly thought this selfish man was capable of love and that he loved me. Why, because he said so, and was risking his marriage to be with me. Holy shit!
At any rate, it has run its course, it has run way too long. It has hurt way too much. It has consumed way too much of my life. Even after ending it 3 times, the last time even telling his wife (who apparently doesn't care, after all they haven't had sex in 6 years and she never even confronted him), he still pretends he cares and wants to see me? I wanted the satisfaction of telling him exactly how pathetic he is. How heartless and selfish he is. I wanted to tell him he lost! I wanted to tell him that FINALLY I am OVER him and that I have someone who not only appreciates me but who knows how to give back in a relationship. Someone who puts me first. It is so great to be able to go out in public, to share this great man with my family and friends. He has already proven to be 100 times more of a man than loser man could ever be.
I thought that I would never get over him, but I have. For that I am so very grateful. It took lots of baby steps for me to break away, but today I am running full speed ahead, yes ahead, not away. Running into a new future. This isn't the end of life as I knew it, it's the beginning of life as it should be. I will build a new relationship based on truth and honesty and mutual respect. David and I have very open and honest communication. We both know what it is we are looking for in a partner and neither of us will settle for less. He is not the first man I have dated since the end of my affair so for those who worry about me jumping from the pan into the fire, or rebounding, be assured I know what I'm doing, my eyes are open, I have my big girl panties on and I'm looking to live my life, to share my life with that special someone that will come along and be willing to share the journey with me. He may be waiting for me right now...and I'm pretty sure he is! And you know what....he already knows that I live my life my way...and he's excited about that....Ahhhh life is so good!!!! Wish me luck, although luck really has very little to do with it, as I venture forth and go to spend some time with my David in PA. We are both really looking forward to it!
