Yep, that's precisely were I am today, at this very moment. To be honest I don't know how I am still sitting here working on this blog. What I want to do is scream to the top of my lungs, shake some people until some sense enters their brain and announce to the entire world that I MATTER!! But first I have to convince myself of that little detail. Yes I've been in this exact spot before, yes I am continuing to work with a therapist on this issue, yes I am sick and tired of it! I think I have it conquered and along comes some event, some person, some hidden memory that throws me headlong into the worthless heap I am right now.
At times I truly wish I didn't give one shit what anyone thinks about me. I wish I could escape loving anyone. I wish I didn't give a hoot about right or wrong and just did whatever the hell makes me feel good at any given moment! I know people like that and they seem to be happy or oblivious or just completely unaware or uncaring about anyone around them. At any rate they seem to worry about nothing. They enjoy their life and I continue to struggle. What the hell am I doing wrong?
Why do I have to have a heart that is made of glass and why do the people I let in have such good aim? My heart gets shattered every time. You think I would learn, you would think I would be a recluse and just give up. If only it were that easy.
Today I am not living my life my way...today I am broken and hurt and wondering where I go from here. I have been asked to be patient, I have been asked to trust and I want to, but I'm scared, very scared! One more rejection, one more loss, one more and I just don't know.....
