As I sit here in my self imposed isolation I am filled with anxiety. I am anxious because I don't know what my future holds. Where my tomorrow lays. When and if I will every be completely happy again.
The welcomed visit from Matthew's brother and nephew has brought so many memories and feelings to my heart, to my head and to my soul. Once I was loved with a whole heart.
When did I slip into this life of complacency? When did I lose my sense of value? When did I decide that I would accept whatever love or attention I could get? When did I allow myself to settle for half a relationship?
I know in the beginning I was so lonely and longed for human intimacy so badly I didn't care where the comfort came from, just so I wasn't alone.
It has taken me days to write what is here so far. Let me see if i can complete my thoughts today.
With so many struggles going on the past few days I hardly know which end is up. Although this is common to me I find myself overwhelmed and unable to find my center. Every step I take seems off, out of synch, and as if I am about to fall headlong into god only knows what! The anxiety is consuming. But I can somewhat focus today. I am placing that focus on me. What gets me through the day today is the most important aspect of life for me at this point. I know myself...and I know if I continue stressing on all this minute crap I will be swallowed up by meaningless actions of unknowing people. I don't for a moment believe that people are out to get me. One person has no idea what another unthinking person is doing that is frustrating me. It is difficult to explain to a friend that something they have done only added to a heap of stuff already in the fire in my head, heart and soul adding fuel to that fire. One person thinks, sheesh she is so over reacting, but they fail to realize they are not the only person in my life!
The puzzle of my life is missing pieces. Some are just misplaced and will be put back into the full picture in due time, others are lost forever and I must find ways to fill those empty places to make my life complete again. Sometimes those empty places cause me to stumble and look at life's events harsher than I would have before. I become anxious trying not to stumble and fall around these places, trying to keep it all together as completely as possible.
I know this blog is scattered and probably doesn't make a lot as sense but to my head, heart and soul it is good medicine.
I recognize today that I am headed down a far to familiar road that I refuse to go down again. I realize that people are going to hurt me for the rest of my life, some not meaning to and others dead set to do so. But they can only hurt me if I allow them to. I am growing stronger, I feel it, I know it. I am not turning around now. A new, stronger, more in control Judi is emerging. Look out, cause life IS good, and I am going to live it MY way!!!
