Struggling today, several days actually. Very glad I have therapy tomorrow. Can't find reason, can't find clarity, can't stop the words tumbling around in my head. The words are negatives, lies and hurtful. They grow in strength and magnitude. They bite at my peace and threaten to ruin my resolve. They make me question every truth I have come to believe. They diminish my worth and are challenging my very existence.
Not only am I fighting my own demons I find myself overwhelmingly involved in battles that are not mine to fight. Wars that are none of my concern nor of my making. Totally outside my circle of influence.
Inner turmoil, that is fueled by my ever increasing self doubt, is causing me to look not forward, but over my shoulder and way back into the past. A past long ago closed. A past unchangeable by any means. A past of pain, weakness and sorrow. I don't want to dwell there and for the most part I don't. For some reason it is haunting me again, revisiting my conscientiousness and stirring emotions that are tearing my heart apart. My head knows it's all a trick. My brain tries to get my attention to shift. My heart begins to panic. It constricts with pain and sends doubt flooding into my thoughts. The tears begin to flow. The questions consume my every fiber. The enormous dark shadows hide the sunlight and I am alone, destined to remain as such.
My mind is screaming! You aren't good enough, you have never been good enough, you are so close but just not quite there, nice but not nice enough, there is someone just a little better than you. Someone a little smarter, a little classier, a little thinner, a little pretty always a little something more.
I have blown all this out of proportion. It can't possibly be as bad as it sounds, yet if feels worse than it sounds. I take what is said to me and I hold it under the microscope and find every possible way to make it come out as harsh and hurtful as I can. I prepare myself for the worse case scenario. And then I remember, I take stock of every other hurt, every other circumstance where I have been taken for granted and abused and left and used and I know that this will be no different. The rose glasses that usually sit on on nose are laying in pieces, smashed by reality.
I'm scared, scared to count on anyone. I hate the fact that I want to rely on someone so badly, that I want someone to be there for me, to love me, to want to share life with me. Why can't I just be content with who I am. Guess I'm not even good enough for myself, isn't that ironic? I don't know how to take care of me. Must take care of everyone else can't take care of herself.
But I do know that I have set boundaries for myself that are not negotiable. I do KNOW that I will NOT harm myself. I do KNOW that I will get through this, just like always. I KNOW I have come way too far and have the ability and strength to keep moving forward whatever jumps in my path trying to deter me from whatever good lies before me. I want that good life again. I know it's out there and I'll have it again...and I'll have it my way.
Yes I am struggling right now, I expect on some level I always will, but somewhere out there is a person who will be willing to hold me and lend me some strength and never condemn me for doing so. I think this very moment I have come to realize that it's all apart of who I am, maybe it's time I accept that part of me?
I am still here in PA. I am having a really nice time. Yet I am down? I feel like something is missing. Why?
As of today David and I have been seeing each other for 2 months. Still getting to know one another. No red flags, no obstacles, no deal breaking behaviors. Nice. Safe. Easy. I enjoy his company, he seems to enjoy mine. We laugh, talk, hold hands and our silences are not awkward. It is fabulous to go to bed together and wake up together. He is a snuggler just like me! He is kind, giving and considerate. He is intelligent and very logical. He tells me how sweet and kind I am and how much I spoil him. He always asks me where I want to go and what I want to do. He is a planner and a bit obsessive/compulsive but that is not always a bad thing. We really are opposites but it has not presented any problems. Not outwardly at any rate.
I am feeling a bit stifled. Even though he seems to enjoy my sense of adventure and my excitement over little things I find myself wondering if I'm a little to silly for him. He is much more reserved than I. My zest for life and enjoyment of traveling and seeing new things, experiencing new places takes over and my awe and wonder spill out! I don't want to change who I am. He's not said anything to lead me to think he objects, it's just a feeling I have. I wonder if he is just too kind to let me know that he finds me immature and silly. He said I brighten up his life a lot. Why can't I accept that he meant it?
I am hoping I am just experiencing a little homesickness and that I am not seeing clearly. Part of me feels that I am borrowing trouble where there is none. It's like it all too good to be true. I'm afraid to believe that it's all good. Where's the but? I tell myself, "Judi! What the hell is wrong with you?" I'm here in PA with a man that seems to thoroughly enjoy being with me, treats me very well, holds my hand in public, holds me at night, thanks me for everything I do for him, talks about the future with me in it and tells me how great I am. And I'm looking for flaws? I'm waiting for it to all fall apart. I'm looking for an ulterior motive. Oh I hate this...!!
Maybe by writing this all down it will help clarify my thoughts a little. I feel better seeing some of David's positive points, of which he has many! I need to quit looking for promises and happy endings and live for today, today that is sweet and fun and filled with enjoyment. I KNOW that there is no promise of tomorrow, no promise of smooth sailing, no promise of undying love. I know there is not always over the moon connections and fireworks filled skies. I also know that life is good, as good as you make it. My life is good and I will make the absolute best of it!! Feeling down is a bump in the road and I will deal with it. After all it is the first day in 2 months that have felt like this, that is a great thing! Moving forward, even slowly, is better than going backward or even standing still. Life is good, live it as such!!!
