Sometimes my thoughts are so jumbled...lol Some make no sense and some just keep spinning 'round and 'round. I have found that often if I am dwelling on something, trying to make sense of it or digest it or rid my mind of the clutter of it if I write about it I can settle it in my head.
Today I find myself thinking about forgiveness...In my mind there is a thin line between forgiving and forgetting. I forgive readily, I don't forget so easily. I don't leave myself open to the thing that I forgave again if I can help it. Recently I had a conversation with someone who said to me "how can you except God to forgive you if you don't practice to forgive?" Yikes...wrong thing to say to me, but it has festered in my thoughts for some time now. I told this person to hold up, don't even go there with me....and shut myself off from him almost immediately. My spirituality is mine to deal with and NO one else's. So we won't venture there at this point. This is what I've figured out....If someone hurts me, or someone I hold dear in my heart, I back away. I know that we all handle pressures, stressors and life's circumstances differently. I work very hard on trying not to judge. And if I'm hurt or someone I love is hurt by a particular person I may or may not have something to forgive. At any rate I simply remove myself from the situation. If I had something to forgive I forgive under the heading of "That's who they are and they probably have not idea what they've done or how to fix it." But.....I do not chose to participate in their drama or repeat the same drama over and over again. If you know someone stuck in a pattern of bad choices or bad behavior get the hell out!!! I have been around long enough in dysfunctional life styles that I know I cannot fix this person or even help them in a constructive way so why bring the pain to my own doorstep? No I have not lost my compassion or objectivity, I have learned my limitations. I lose enough sleep over my own bad choices or insensitivities, I certainly don't need to borrow someone else's drama! I look at certain events in my past and wonder why I spent so much time agonizing over people and circumstances that I had and never will have any control over. I can still love someone and wish them all the luck in the world and not become involved in their drama. I have forgiven what needs to be forgiven but I have not and probably will not forget. I am smart enough not to be indebted to finding myself sucked into their chaos. Just because you love someone does not mean you have to be condoning of their misery and certainly don't have to be a part of it. We are all individuals who make choices and take different paths. I am responsible for the road I travel and I accept that. I listen and learn when I chose just like everyone else. I have tried to help people that chose not to be helped. Does that mean I have to continue to try to help them, no it does not. If I can live with the fact that I have no control over them and their choices they will have to accept that. I will not beat my head or my heart against a brick wall any longer. It is true that when someone I love hurts I hurt for them. But if that person keeps making the same mistakes and has used my compassion up with bad choices and lies and disrespect it is time for me to step back and draw a line for my own self preservation and peace. It may seem selfish to some but to me it is a matter of taking care of myself. I've given and given and given over the years trying to make peace for everyone and worried when I know the people I was worried about never gave thought to my concern. I'm simply done. Time for my life to be peaceful even if some people think me wrong. After all it is my life and it's none of my business what others think! There comes a time when we all must carry our own burdens, and if we burn all of our bridges we have to carry them alone. There are many times when I struggle to carry my own and I know I have burned some bridges and it's okay because I'm stronger than I have ever been. It's truly my life and I'm living it to the best of my ability and enjoying it as I go. If I make mistakes I forgive myself, learn from them and keep on moving forward.
