Why Am I Wasting Time?

I received news today of yet another classmate passing away.  This woman was a vibrant, fun loving woman who within the past few months went skydiving!  And in the blink of an eye she is gone.
In the blink of an eye her family's world is turned upside down, never to be the same.  Time is so short, we never know when it is going to be our last day.  We never know if today is the last time we will see our loved one.  We never know.....
And here I sit, wasting precious time, lamenting a love that is lost and a love that was never meant to be.  How foolish am I?  When I should be happy to be alive I am wishing I were dead.  When I love so many I am wishing for the love of one.  One is gone, never to return, the other doesn't return the love I have for him.  I'm stuck.  I'm struggling.  The absence of joy is making each day harder and harder to cope through.  Brief glimpses of  my former self emerge when I can manage to keep social commitments.  I put on my face and try to enjoy the moment.  Sometimes I actually lose myself in the moment.  But always it comes back to me, lonely, lacking, needing and wanting what I don't have.
I have to focus on what is good, I have to find the best in me, in my circumstances.   I have to remember all the people who do love and care about me and that I love and care about.  True I don't understand why I can't have that special man in my life to love and dote upon, but is that truly the end of the world?  Yes it feels like it, but I have to make a choice.  I can let it eat me alive, consume my very being or I can muster all the strength I can and try with all my might to make each day special in some small way.  I am wasting time waiting for this man to make me happy, I can't afford to wait.  Time is moving on, I have things to do, lives to touch and memories to make.
Marsha I will miss you but your memory will live on in my mind and my heart.  I want to live my life as fully as you did.
This is my life, I am wasting time, I am committed to doing better and living!!!!!

Just One Of Those Days

Why do I wake up some mornings feeling so anxious I can hardly breath?
Impending doom prevails.  Not like I am expecting any particular thing to happen, just on edge and nervous.  Thinking surely something crappy is going to ruin my day!?
No plans, what shall I do with my time today?  Sit on the computer, again?  Watch another on my many movies, again?  Take a nap, again?  Sigh.  Nothing to be anxious about there....lol.  
I feel like I am chasing my tail and have no clue what I would do with if should I actually catch it.  Pointless I know.  No purpose.  Where am I going?
They are working on the road outside and the sound is making me crazy.  I finally get to open my widows to enjoy the cool air and my peace is shatter by the rat-a-tat-tat of a jack hammer?  Really!!?  Anxiety mounts.  
Why did I get out of bed?  Should have pulled the covers over my head and gone back to sleep.  The promise of a new day made me get up.  Then I walked into the oh so familiar living room and the oh so familiar emptiness caused my heart to drop.  Why am I here?  Why do I have to face another day alone?  Why does my heart ache for something I can not have?  Anxiety grows.
Got on the scale, so not happy.  Look in the mirror, yep, still looking old and tired...SIGH.
Sit at the computer, see life goes on.  Chit chatting friends, funny jokes, play a game or two, junk mail.  I'll check back in a bit....more of the same.
My heart is pounding, I want to cry, but why?  
"Pull yourself together" my head demands.  "Knock it off"....oh this is not easy....I will survive this day....I have survived many such days......let me look for some positive  thought....let me grasp a memory, let me get lost in a dream for a moment or two....Let me realize that I have things to do, things to accomplish and put one foot in front of another and make my way forward.  No matter how small the step it is moving forward, the right direction, toward something better than this anxiety.
Somedays I think "This is my life?"  For now yes it is....only I can change it, only I can live it.......

I Hate It When That Happens

I am to the point where I seriously don't know what is up with me!  I have been doing the Atkins Diet and doing well.  Yesterday I had my Seeking Safety group and we talked about having understanding and empathy for ourselves.  We talked about food dependency and abuse and I was proud to comment positively about my tactics over the last week.
WELLLLLLLLL....for some reason, totally unknown by me I lost my every-loving mind when I got home!!!!!  
Do you every do things, hating what you are doing the whole time you are doing it?  I was cursing myself the entire time, yet I continued on.....WHY????
So now you are wondering what the hell did she do?  Sigh, I am embarrassed to tell you but I have to get it out......so here goes.
When I got home I decided I was hungry.  I had eaten 2 boiled eggs and drank an Atkins shake before I went to group.  So I warmed up some squash from the day before and cut some pork tenderloin that I had had a couple of days ago...all perfectly fine.  BUT...I was craving those good awful carbs...yes I am a carb-aholic!!  Sooooooo I made a bag of microwave popcorn....sigh...but....I didn't stop there....all of a sudden I couldn't live without chinese food!!!!  
Yep really.....I got in the car drove to the local chinese fast food place and ordered a $5 lunch deal and a side of crab ragoon!!!!!  This lunch special comes with a soda too!!  I get back home....I fix a heaping plate, grab my soda and head to the living room.  Not even the table...really Judi??? 
The whole time I am cursing myself, questioning my motives while chowing down the food.  AFTER I was done I realized the soda wasn't even diet (I always have diet soda)!  WTF???  
I must admit I was physically and emotionally ill when I finished!  How can I do something that makes me so miserable?  Am I punishing myself in some way for my short coming?  Sabotage comes to mind.  Why would I do that to myself?
Well, it's not the end of the world, I am back on track today, hate to think of the damage I did.  
Even with all that today is another day, life is good!!!!!  Another chance to get it right!  Living for today!!!!

Will I EVER Get It?

Understand, un-der-stand verb  to comprehend;  to realize; to know the feelings and thoughts of.  Not a hard word to spell, or to use in a sentence.  Not hard to define.  But to put it into practice can, for some, be a bit difficult.  I believe that at times we can only understand so much about another person. I think a lot of what and how we understand has to do with our experiences in life.  I also truly believe that many of us do not really try to understand things we do not know.  Understand is a verb, an action word, meaning it requires action to understand.
In my mind understanding someone requires a certain amount of empathy.  Em-pa-thy noun identification with and understanding the feelings of another person.  I may understand the that a particular person hates spinach, but I would not necessarily have empathy for them because I like spinach.  My lack of empathy may make this person fell slighted or frustration because he/she thinks I don't get it.  And in fact I don't.
I have said all this to say:   I get frustrated and fell slighted when people offer me advice, tell me they are there for me or how much they love and care for me when their actions don't reflect understanding and empathy.  And I am the biggest roadblock to that process.  I cannot expect anyone to identify and understand my feelings, when a lot of the time I can't understand them myself.  
I search for answers when sometimes I am not even sure of the questions.
I question my own understanding of myself.  One day I understand, the next I have no clue.  For instance there is a person in my life that I think I cannot live without today.  Yesterday I didn't need or want this person in my life.  Tomorrow I will be unable to live without this person again.   I understand I want said person in my life, but as for why?  I haven't a clue?!  So of course when others have an opinion oh this subject I am frustrated that they don't get it, they have not empathy for me....how can they?  I too lack understanding and empathy for myself.  Am I trying too hard, shall I just relax and go with the flow?  Let nature take it's course...Oh I just don't know.....sigh
What I do know is in my day to day existence I have good days and bad.  Some VERY good ones and some VERY bad ones, but in the grand scheme of things LIFE is good.....I may never have all the answers, I may never understand, but I am going to be kinder to me and I am going to live MY life for ME.....
 

Busy is GOOD!!

What a busy weekend I have had so far with another full day today!!!  I love to be busy, surrounded by family and friends and having fun!!  
It is Gemuetlichkeit Days here in Jefferson, WI.  What is that you might ask?  It is German Heritage Days and a host of wonderful family events are the order of the weekend.  Bed races this morning followed by our always delightful parade.  Yes it is a great excuse for drinking in the streets and grilling out but it is much more in my heart of hearts!  My husband accompanied me to my very first  Gemuetlichkeit parade and together we enjoyed the fun and festivities!  It is so bittersweet for me...yet I love it!  Tears are shed throughout the day as memories of my sweet, gentle Matthew invade my heart and mind.  How he loved to be with us all and we with him.  This man that brought so many new experiences into my life will always and forever be with all of us who love and miss him so very much.

We entered out precious little doggies into the cutest pet contest for the first time and wouldn't you know EVERYONES entries were misplaced!!!  LOL  So we will not find out the winners until after the event ends!!  It's okay we had a blast getting them ready.  I made them little floral crowns and we took their pictures in front of a little German flag with beer steins of beer, secretly applying peanut butter around the rim so the doggies would lick inside the mugs.  They came out a bit blurry but very cute anyway.  I think we stand a good chance to win.
So my friends I just want to say once again that Life IS Good, and I am living it as best I can!!  Have a wonderful day!!!!!

An Unscheduled Break

Sometimes we take a break from something that we love and there is no reason.  Whether we get sidetracked with work, play, struggles or just plain laziness we may experience a void and not even realize where it is coming from. 
When I began this blog it was as therapy for myself and to help the people who love and care about me to understand my changing moods and struggles.  I also thought that maybe some of my struggles and circumstances might help someone else going through ups and downs to know for certain that they are not alone.
I have experienced some tough times the past few weeks and unfortunately choose to shut down and retreat into my "smiley" world.
When I say that I really mean to show a smile and pretend that all is fine with the world, all the while hurting, keeping to myself as much as possible and trying not to let anyone know that I am in pain yet again.  This is when I tell myself that people are sick and tired of my moods, that is has been long enough that I shouldn't still be crying and feeling alone and miserable and that if I were as strong as everyone seems to think I am I wouldn't be acting and feeling this way.  I remind myself that my dear Matthew would NOT be proud of me, that I am letting him down and that perhaps this is all there is.  With all these thoughts going through my mind I still cannot pull myself out of the funk.  How long is this going to last?  Will I feel like this forever?
Suddenly I got a message from a former classmate simply asking why I had stopped writing my blog.  Why had I stopped?  Was I at a place that I thought no one cared?  Was I afraid to write the truth?  Was I just tired of writing?  Was I out of things to say?  Yes and no to all of the above.  What matters to me?  I love to write, to share my feelings, my thoughts and my experiences.  Do I think no one cares?  Of course at times I do feel they are tired of hearing it, tired of trying to make me feel better, tired of "being there" for me.  That is mostly in my mind.  Afraid to write the truth?  Maybe a bit.  I don't want to be judged but at the same time others are going through the same thing and I am not judging them and they need to know they aren't alone.  And those that do judge, go ahead, I really don't care anymore.  I will never run out of things to say....LOL!  So thanks to my former classmate and friend, thank you for waking me up, and encouraging me, because I am not done.  I am back and I hope I bring with me something you can enjoy and even find helpful as we continue to go through this world.  Let's reach for the brass ring....this is my life, only I can change it, only I can live it...life IS good, let's live!!!!