Last night I caught a rerun of Message In A Bottle on television. I, like every other "chick" flick movie lover, have seen it before but not for some time now. As Mel Gibson was quoting the letter of apology to his Catherine something deep inside of me responded.
A couple of months ago my therapist confounded me by stating she felt I was feeling guilty about my husband dying. I have pushed that statement to the back of mind many times, choosing not to deal with it. Feeling that everyone must have some guilt when a loved one dies. I should have, I meant to, if I had only, I wish.
I want a man in my life. Now that sometimes makes me feel like a cheater. So this is one place where I often speak to Matthew, asking his direction, his "permission" if you will. Never getting a clear response I have felt at odds. Never feeling it's okay with him. Telling myself and everyone else telling me he would want me to be happy, but never quite believing it.
So as the movie was ending I got on to Facebook and wrote Matthew a letter. Just a short letter of apology. Not detailed, just simply and to the point. At the end I did ask for his assistance. I was so not prepared for a reply, especially as swiftly as the answer came.
In the very wee hours of the morning I had a vivid dream. I must tell you I very rarely remember a dream, but this one was so real it will be hard to forget. As the dream began I was in the hospital room where my dear husband passed away. He was on the ventilator and we were prepared for him to die. Only he didn't. The next thing I knew I was learning to care for his breathing site, to clean the machine to reinsert the tubing. He said nothing, but his eyes watched my every move. I focused on learning what medicines he was to take and when. I had a chart that had to be maintained that showed everything I did for him. It was very detailed, every time I touched him it had to be written down.
Suddenly we were at home. We had a hospital bed in a large room with shelves that housed all the things we needed to care for him. I was attempting to give him a bath and he was so angry with me. He kept crying and trying to push me away and bite me. He reminded me of a child throwing a huge fit. Next I was massaging his legs and he called me horrid names and told me not to touch him. The words were coming from his mouth but the voice didn't belong to him.
The next scene was outside on a sunny day. We were just sitting enjoying the moment, he was actually smiling. A family passing by called out to us to wish us a good day. He was sitting in a wheel chair and tears began to stream down his face. I went to his side and he placed his hand over mine. He didn't speak in words, rather in thoughts. His heart spoke to mine. "See what I saved you from?"
With those words I know that my husband left this world with my well being in his heart. He set me free to love another day. He is not angry with me for anything I ever did or didn't do. He was not that kind of man. He is still watching over me, helping me in ways that only I will understand. He has given me the freedom to take the steps necessary for me to finish living my life without guilt, without the what if's and the if only's. He set me free to love to again, to live again.
Matthew thank you. Such small simple words. You are safe in the corners of my heart. You will forever be loved.
Tuesday, October 30, 2012
Friday, October 26, 2012
My Book.....Unfinished
Every book has a beginning, a middle and an end. Every life has a beginning, a middle and an end. And in the long run every relationship has a beginning, a middle and an end.
I was lying in bed this morning, my mind lounging about trying to grasp a thought for the day. And I thought; if I were to write a book about my life, I wonder how many chapters it would have and what the names of the chapters would be? (I have to tell you I came up with this idea while thinking back to defining terms, my mind does change gears rather suddenly). So let's go with that for a moment.
For some reason I thought of 8 chapters right off the bat. Why? I have NO clue. I guess that just sounded like a good number.
The first chapter would oddly enough be called The Beginning. Nice and simple. It would contain what I call "repeated" information. You know, things you have been told went on in your early life. When I was born, what I weighed, because I assure you I wouldn't tell you what I weigh now! Where I lived, what I like and didn't like as a baby. Funny stories of how cute and precocious I was would certainly be included. And the whispers of the past, the divorce between my father and mother and him getting custody of me would never go away.
The second chapter could be titled Where Do I Belong? Or Finding My Place. This chapter would tell the story of me as a little girl being sent to live with various relatives in different places while the adults involved tried to decide where the best place was for me to live. No one ever bothered to ask me where I wanted to be, who I wanted to live with. You know what I got out of this chapter? Where the hell do I belong and why does everyone keep trading me off? I felt like a defective child, these words actually came out of my mouth at a therapy session not too long ago.
Next would come the chapter that might be called The Home Of My Dreams? It would start off with my being sent to live with my "real" mother, at the age of 12, having very little if any recollection of her other that meeting her and her family a mere year and half before being sent there. I can tell you that was a culture shock. Her world was extremely different than any previous place I had called home. How would it turn out? No one would know.
The fourth chapter would perhaps begin with, With all the new people in her life, Judi found herself losing her old life, her old family, and was never whole again. I say this because once I went to my mother's house and became a part of her family the bond I had with my father's family seemed to dissolve and eventual disappear. Years later I was known to say, "I don't feel a part of either side of my family". Sometimes that haunts me to this day.
Chapter four, Looking For Love In All The Wrong Places. Sounds kind of like a country song doesn't it? It would be funny if it weren't so true. I wanted someone to love me, to accept me and to keep me. Any young man who told me he loved me I believed wholeheartedly! Why would they lie? Boy was I naive. I had turned into a real people-pleaser. I remembered what I had been taught and tried to be sweet and nice to everyone. Armed with that and the strong desire to be wanted I began to search for someone to love me and need me. What a journey!
As chapter 5 begins you would see me meet my "real" true love. Watch as I went through the dating ritual, the much too young for sex phase, and the marriage at 17 after running away to live with yet another family member. You could read how I muddled my way through the early years of marriage, thinking I was so well equipped for this. Be with me as I marvel at the birth of my beautiful daughter and later my fabulous son. Travel with me the entire time while I lived and learned during my almost 23 year marriage. This chapter would be entitled, Heaven To Hell.
Chapter 6 The Road Back, Hell to Heaven. This chapter would be filled with the horror of not only losing another relationship but the hope of building another that would be forever. The proverbial rags to riches to rags back to riches story. While the end of my marriage was hell, I found heaven in a man that was not only kind and generous, but also strong enough to endure my emotional baggage. He knew I came with an enormous amount of excess baggage and he helped me unpack it!
As we enter into chapter 7, named This IS Forever, I am hopeful and happy. I know that I know this love is forever, this relationship will endure the ages. This is my forever love and my forever life. My forever family! You will meet Matthew and join us in welcoming our sons. You will go through the struggles with us of lost jobs, making a new life clear across the county. Cry with us when we leave our beloved Wisconsin for Texas. You will be privy to our strengthening as a couple as our sons edge ever closer to adulthood, the time for US.
Perhaps Chapter 8, the saddest chapter of all, will be entitled, The End Of My Dream. They say life comes full circle, I believe that is so true. For when I lost my precious husband Matthew, I found my self starting to wonder where I belonged now. Who did I belong with, where was home? Lost, confused and ever so lonely. Accepting his death was the hardest thing I have ever had to come to terms with.
But, my book cannot end just yet. There will have to be more chapters. Why? Because I am still living. I have life yet to live. I will love and be loved again. Because life IS good....Live it and finish my book, that is where I am today.....I am in love, I face this love with timidation but hope, with fear, but with faith. I have no idea what tomorrow with bring, but none of us do. I love where I am today, I will love for today, and I will live for today.....NOT the end
I was lying in bed this morning, my mind lounging about trying to grasp a thought for the day. And I thought; if I were to write a book about my life, I wonder how many chapters it would have and what the names of the chapters would be? (I have to tell you I came up with this idea while thinking back to defining terms, my mind does change gears rather suddenly). So let's go with that for a moment.
For some reason I thought of 8 chapters right off the bat. Why? I have NO clue. I guess that just sounded like a good number.
The first chapter would oddly enough be called The Beginning. Nice and simple. It would contain what I call "repeated" information. You know, things you have been told went on in your early life. When I was born, what I weighed, because I assure you I wouldn't tell you what I weigh now! Where I lived, what I like and didn't like as a baby. Funny stories of how cute and precocious I was would certainly be included. And the whispers of the past, the divorce between my father and mother and him getting custody of me would never go away.
The second chapter could be titled Where Do I Belong? Or Finding My Place. This chapter would tell the story of me as a little girl being sent to live with various relatives in different places while the adults involved tried to decide where the best place was for me to live. No one ever bothered to ask me where I wanted to be, who I wanted to live with. You know what I got out of this chapter? Where the hell do I belong and why does everyone keep trading me off? I felt like a defective child, these words actually came out of my mouth at a therapy session not too long ago.
Next would come the chapter that might be called The Home Of My Dreams? It would start off with my being sent to live with my "real" mother, at the age of 12, having very little if any recollection of her other that meeting her and her family a mere year and half before being sent there. I can tell you that was a culture shock. Her world was extremely different than any previous place I had called home. How would it turn out? No one would know.
The fourth chapter would perhaps begin with, With all the new people in her life, Judi found herself losing her old life, her old family, and was never whole again. I say this because once I went to my mother's house and became a part of her family the bond I had with my father's family seemed to dissolve and eventual disappear. Years later I was known to say, "I don't feel a part of either side of my family". Sometimes that haunts me to this day.
Chapter four, Looking For Love In All The Wrong Places. Sounds kind of like a country song doesn't it? It would be funny if it weren't so true. I wanted someone to love me, to accept me and to keep me. Any young man who told me he loved me I believed wholeheartedly! Why would they lie? Boy was I naive. I had turned into a real people-pleaser. I remembered what I had been taught and tried to be sweet and nice to everyone. Armed with that and the strong desire to be wanted I began to search for someone to love me and need me. What a journey!
As chapter 5 begins you would see me meet my "real" true love. Watch as I went through the dating ritual, the much too young for sex phase, and the marriage at 17 after running away to live with yet another family member. You could read how I muddled my way through the early years of marriage, thinking I was so well equipped for this. Be with me as I marvel at the birth of my beautiful daughter and later my fabulous son. Travel with me the entire time while I lived and learned during my almost 23 year marriage. This chapter would be entitled, Heaven To Hell.
Chapter 6 The Road Back, Hell to Heaven. This chapter would be filled with the horror of not only losing another relationship but the hope of building another that would be forever. The proverbial rags to riches to rags back to riches story. While the end of my marriage was hell, I found heaven in a man that was not only kind and generous, but also strong enough to endure my emotional baggage. He knew I came with an enormous amount of excess baggage and he helped me unpack it!
As we enter into chapter 7, named This IS Forever, I am hopeful and happy. I know that I know this love is forever, this relationship will endure the ages. This is my forever love and my forever life. My forever family! You will meet Matthew and join us in welcoming our sons. You will go through the struggles with us of lost jobs, making a new life clear across the county. Cry with us when we leave our beloved Wisconsin for Texas. You will be privy to our strengthening as a couple as our sons edge ever closer to adulthood, the time for US.
Perhaps Chapter 8, the saddest chapter of all, will be entitled, The End Of My Dream. They say life comes full circle, I believe that is so true. For when I lost my precious husband Matthew, I found my self starting to wonder where I belonged now. Who did I belong with, where was home? Lost, confused and ever so lonely. Accepting his death was the hardest thing I have ever had to come to terms with.
But, my book cannot end just yet. There will have to be more chapters. Why? Because I am still living. I have life yet to live. I will love and be loved again. Because life IS good....Live it and finish my book, that is where I am today.....I am in love, I face this love with timidation but hope, with fear, but with faith. I have no idea what tomorrow with bring, but none of us do. I love where I am today, I will love for today, and I will live for today.....NOT the end
Tuesday, October 23, 2012
Roller Coaster Ride
Emotional roller coaster rides are tricky! One day they are fun and exciting. The next they are are sad and disappointing. What is the difference?
To figure this out I have to inventory my moods. What makes me happy, anxious, sad, angry, content and the host of other moods I find myself in? Who or what trigger these moods? What can I do to change them?
My friends and family have an affect on my mood. The amount of sleep, how well I am feeling even the weather has affects my mood. "HE" has a huge affect on my moods.
When I am in the best of moods it is often because I have had special time with "him" or a good friend or family member. Spending quality time with my daughter, my grandchildren, "him" or a good friend is great medicine and can make the roller coaster ride much more enjoyable. Doing things together binds the ties that hold us and deepens relationships in positive ways. I have to admit that on occasion, even in the midst of joy, sorry hampers my attempts to fully enjoy the ride. Suddenly the roller coaster plunges down, taking my joy and swallowing my hope. What causes this plunge? Memories, unfulfilled dreams, loneliness, guilt and many other mind altering circumstances invade my thoughts and whisk me up the next track, suspending my control over my own destiny.
No one can be in a good mood all of the time, I do know this. I would be happy to be at peace most of the time, to be content in my circumstances. Why does this state of mine evade me? Do I ask too much of life? Do I want all the wrong things? I don't think so. And I will explore this an another point in time. For now I just need to figure out how to get the most our of THIS ride. I have to decide whether to screech with delight or scream in fear, whether to ride it out or get off the ride and settle for the boring merry-go-round.
I am alive, I want to ride the roller coaster and screech with delight, I want to have it all!!!! I am far from giving up and settling for the merry-go-round. I am here, I am living my life more my way now than ever! I feel empowered. It's my life, it's good and I am going to keep right on living it my way!!!
To figure this out I have to inventory my moods. What makes me happy, anxious, sad, angry, content and the host of other moods I find myself in? Who or what trigger these moods? What can I do to change them?
My friends and family have an affect on my mood. The amount of sleep, how well I am feeling even the weather has affects my mood. "HE" has a huge affect on my moods.
When I am in the best of moods it is often because I have had special time with "him" or a good friend or family member. Spending quality time with my daughter, my grandchildren, "him" or a good friend is great medicine and can make the roller coaster ride much more enjoyable. Doing things together binds the ties that hold us and deepens relationships in positive ways. I have to admit that on occasion, even in the midst of joy, sorry hampers my attempts to fully enjoy the ride. Suddenly the roller coaster plunges down, taking my joy and swallowing my hope. What causes this plunge? Memories, unfulfilled dreams, loneliness, guilt and many other mind altering circumstances invade my thoughts and whisk me up the next track, suspending my control over my own destiny.
No one can be in a good mood all of the time, I do know this. I would be happy to be at peace most of the time, to be content in my circumstances. Why does this state of mine evade me? Do I ask too much of life? Do I want all the wrong things? I don't think so. And I will explore this an another point in time. For now I just need to figure out how to get the most our of THIS ride. I have to decide whether to screech with delight or scream in fear, whether to ride it out or get off the ride and settle for the boring merry-go-round.
I am alive, I want to ride the roller coaster and screech with delight, I want to have it all!!!! I am far from giving up and settling for the merry-go-round. I am here, I am living my life more my way now than ever! I feel empowered. It's my life, it's good and I am going to keep right on living it my way!!!
Wednesday, October 17, 2012
Writing My Own Story
Ever wonder what it is that draws us to a certain person? I sure do!
How is it that even if a person is not the right one for us we feel like we can't live without them? When you meet a man and have that sort of "instant" connection could it be real? Can a relationship start off on the wrong foot and turn out to be one of the best things that ever happened to you?
I don't know the answer to these questions but I know where my heart is. I know how I feel. I know what my hopes are. I know what the reality is. I know odds are against me. I know people don't understand and some don't approve. Knowing all of this doesn't change how I feel.
So again I have to be true to ME. I have to follow the path I have before me. I have to do what makes me happy. Believe me I have been over this at least a billion times in my mind. I think of little else. I am unable to see what others see when they look at my circumstances, because I am blinded by my feelings. But I don't care. It feels so good, so right, so meant to be.
If this falls apart I will deal with. I am not going to focus on that. I am going to enjoy the here and now. I am going to focus on being happy. I am going to relish the attention. I am going to be in the moment. This is a chapter in my life. I am going to live out the pages, writing the story as I go. The ending may be a surprise even to the author!
How is it that even if a person is not the right one for us we feel like we can't live without them? When you meet a man and have that sort of "instant" connection could it be real? Can a relationship start off on the wrong foot and turn out to be one of the best things that ever happened to you?
I don't know the answer to these questions but I know where my heart is. I know how I feel. I know what my hopes are. I know what the reality is. I know odds are against me. I know people don't understand and some don't approve. Knowing all of this doesn't change how I feel.
So again I have to be true to ME. I have to follow the path I have before me. I have to do what makes me happy. Believe me I have been over this at least a billion times in my mind. I think of little else. I am unable to see what others see when they look at my circumstances, because I am blinded by my feelings. But I don't care. It feels so good, so right, so meant to be.
If this falls apart I will deal with. I am not going to focus on that. I am going to enjoy the here and now. I am going to focus on being happy. I am going to relish the attention. I am going to be in the moment. This is a chapter in my life. I am going to live out the pages, writing the story as I go. The ending may be a surprise even to the author!
Sunday, October 14, 2012
Isolation?
It's dark and chilly and I am alone in the quiet morning hours. Alone with my thoughts. My mind unsure of the direction it is going hesitates with each word I write. Thoughts of isolation are being bounced around in my head. Isolated, alone, separated, enclosed or encased by my self. Is it good or bad?
Sometimes when I am hurting, unsure of myself, or just too tired to deal with anymore of life's twists and turns or drama I retreat into my own little world. I have done this as far back as I can remember. I enter a place where I hear only my voice. Only my thoughts can enter here. Here I am free to express myself however I want. I can cry, I can laugh, I can yell or scream. I can attempt to sort out my feelings and no toes are stepped on, except my own.
For during this time I usually have my life's events under a microscope! Ever examining not only the event but my reactions. Asking the whys and the what ifs. Searching for answers and peace of mind. And assuming. Assuming, how I hate that word. Jumping to a conclusion. Thinking I know what others mean or feel. Especially when my feelings are hurt. Rehashing it over and over in my mind. Like watching reruns for the 100th time.
What exactly am I hiding from? Why am I hiding? Does it help?
Perhaps I am hiding from judgment, from hurt and pain. From prying eyes and loose tongues. I know I don't want to let anyone see me at my worst. I get tired of putting on the face of strength. I get tired of advice. I get tired of sympathy even at times. I am hiding because I want to be left alone. Left to figure out where the hell I am going and what it is I want. Because honestly I don't know!! Oh what I want I can't have. I want my life back as it was. Knowing that will never be I and to conclude what would make me happy now in the real world. I always think I know but there always seems to be an obstacle that needs to be overcome in one form or another.
So does it help to isolate? Honestly somedays I think yes. And if I were more positive with myself, more compassionate to myself I would be better served. There are also times that I know it is not good and I have to get out and be with people for my own sanity. Times when I am so hard on myself and others when my focus becomes distorted and harsh.
I will make it someday to a place where I can accept where I am and who I have become. Hopefully it will include someone I can share my life with. Until that day I can only do the best I can to live my life one day at a time. Life is good and I will keep looking for that good!
Sometimes when I am hurting, unsure of myself, or just too tired to deal with anymore of life's twists and turns or drama I retreat into my own little world. I have done this as far back as I can remember. I enter a place where I hear only my voice. Only my thoughts can enter here. Here I am free to express myself however I want. I can cry, I can laugh, I can yell or scream. I can attempt to sort out my feelings and no toes are stepped on, except my own.
For during this time I usually have my life's events under a microscope! Ever examining not only the event but my reactions. Asking the whys and the what ifs. Searching for answers and peace of mind. And assuming. Assuming, how I hate that word. Jumping to a conclusion. Thinking I know what others mean or feel. Especially when my feelings are hurt. Rehashing it over and over in my mind. Like watching reruns for the 100th time.
What exactly am I hiding from? Why am I hiding? Does it help?
Perhaps I am hiding from judgment, from hurt and pain. From prying eyes and loose tongues. I know I don't want to let anyone see me at my worst. I get tired of putting on the face of strength. I get tired of advice. I get tired of sympathy even at times. I am hiding because I want to be left alone. Left to figure out where the hell I am going and what it is I want. Because honestly I don't know!! Oh what I want I can't have. I want my life back as it was. Knowing that will never be I and to conclude what would make me happy now in the real world. I always think I know but there always seems to be an obstacle that needs to be overcome in one form or another.
So does it help to isolate? Honestly somedays I think yes. And if I were more positive with myself, more compassionate to myself I would be better served. There are also times that I know it is not good and I have to get out and be with people for my own sanity. Times when I am so hard on myself and others when my focus becomes distorted and harsh.
I will make it someday to a place where I can accept where I am and who I have become. Hopefully it will include someone I can share my life with. Until that day I can only do the best I can to live my life one day at a time. Life is good and I will keep looking for that good!
Saturday, October 13, 2012
For Today This Is My Life
Why do I have to have days when I don't know which end is up? Why do I have days where I am so confused and have no idea what to do with my self? What do I want out of life? What is out there for me? What does the future hold for me?
I have been down for days, not any particular reason that I know. My thoughts are churning, my mind grasps for something solid to focus on. My heart is aching for I know not what. I do know that I want to be someone's priority. I want to belong to someone. I want someone who needs me and wants me. This loneliness is so painful! I am not unlike a ship being tossed by the waves. One day up the next down. One day hopelessly lost, the next thinking I know where I'm going. Only to wake the next morning drifting aimlessly.
I know there are people who love me, people who care. Why isn't that enough? Why do I have this totally and absolute obsession with having someone "special" in my life. I HATE not have someone to love, someone to share everything with. Someone who will love me in return and want to share everything with me.
At first it was all about I wanted to date and have fun and I would meet "him". I met "him", or so I thought. But it was not meant to be. Back to looking, but I found no one else. I was used. I was lied to. I retreated back to "him". I want "him". I compare all others to "him" and they fall short. They don't make me feel like "he" did. They don't walk, talk or look like "him", they AREN'T "him".
Everyday I think I can move on. Everyday I fail miserably. Everyday my heart aches for "him". Every night I cry for "him". Why am I making myself crazy? Why can't I move on? I am so confused. I just want to be happy again. I want a reason to wake in the morning. Loneliness is killing me. I have no desire to do anything. I try. I try to act normal, to smile, to chat with friends. I go to my meetings, I see my therapist. I do all the RIGHT things. I move through the days. I sit alone and think of him. I can't stop.
Maybe tomorrow will be better. Maybe tomorrow will be the day I am strong enough to let go. Maybe tomorrow I'll wake up and see a future. Maybe tomorrow I will love my life. But for today this is my life, I am going to live this I know. And I know one day it will be better.
I have been down for days, not any particular reason that I know. My thoughts are churning, my mind grasps for something solid to focus on. My heart is aching for I know not what. I do know that I want to be someone's priority. I want to belong to someone. I want someone who needs me and wants me. This loneliness is so painful! I am not unlike a ship being tossed by the waves. One day up the next down. One day hopelessly lost, the next thinking I know where I'm going. Only to wake the next morning drifting aimlessly.
I know there are people who love me, people who care. Why isn't that enough? Why do I have this totally and absolute obsession with having someone "special" in my life. I HATE not have someone to love, someone to share everything with. Someone who will love me in return and want to share everything with me.
At first it was all about I wanted to date and have fun and I would meet "him". I met "him", or so I thought. But it was not meant to be. Back to looking, but I found no one else. I was used. I was lied to. I retreated back to "him". I want "him". I compare all others to "him" and they fall short. They don't make me feel like "he" did. They don't walk, talk or look like "him", they AREN'T "him".
Everyday I think I can move on. Everyday I fail miserably. Everyday my heart aches for "him". Every night I cry for "him". Why am I making myself crazy? Why can't I move on? I am so confused. I just want to be happy again. I want a reason to wake in the morning. Loneliness is killing me. I have no desire to do anything. I try. I try to act normal, to smile, to chat with friends. I go to my meetings, I see my therapist. I do all the RIGHT things. I move through the days. I sit alone and think of him. I can't stop.
Maybe tomorrow will be better. Maybe tomorrow will be the day I am strong enough to let go. Maybe tomorrow I'll wake up and see a future. Maybe tomorrow I will love my life. But for today this is my life, I am going to live this I know. And I know one day it will be better.
Wednesday, October 10, 2012
R.I.P Alexis
Today as I prepare to attend the funeral of my dear dear friends 17 year old daughter I am thinking a lot about death and the choices we make.
I try in my own way to make some sort of sense out of it. My brain searches for wisdom and understanding. My heart screams out the injustice and my pain reminds me how vulnerable we all are.
Last week the beautiful you woman was alive and vibrant and happy. She loved and was loved in returned. She had her whole life ahead of her. Today we will mourn her passing, weep tears of loss and miss her with all of our being. A family will be ripped apart, dreams shattered and life will never be the same. The void left behind will consume us and the questions will never be answered.
My heart breaks for my friend. I am constantly thinking about what I can do to help. I know anything I do will be temporary, a bandaid on her broken soul. I know that in a matter of weeks most peoples lives will go on the same as before but hers will NEVER be the same. I remember thinking as life returned to normal for those that had surrounded me when Matthew died how unfair it was. I was angry that they had a life to return, a family in tact. How could they all go back to a normal life while mine was gone?!
I hope with all that I have to be there for my friend every single time she needs me. I hope I can give her what she needs. I hope she knows how much I love her and care about her.
People wake up. Life happens, it changes it throws it curves that we are ill-equipped to handle. Let's be there for each other, lets LIVE each and everyday, let's let each other know how important they are in our lives.
I hurt for my friend, I realize how it could have been my son, I realize how fragile life is.
Life is fleeting, life is good, and we need to live it while we can!
This was originally written on Sept 27, 2012 but went unpublished until Oct 10, 2010.
I try in my own way to make some sort of sense out of it. My brain searches for wisdom and understanding. My heart screams out the injustice and my pain reminds me how vulnerable we all are.
Last week the beautiful you woman was alive and vibrant and happy. She loved and was loved in returned. She had her whole life ahead of her. Today we will mourn her passing, weep tears of loss and miss her with all of our being. A family will be ripped apart, dreams shattered and life will never be the same. The void left behind will consume us and the questions will never be answered.
My heart breaks for my friend. I am constantly thinking about what I can do to help. I know anything I do will be temporary, a bandaid on her broken soul. I know that in a matter of weeks most peoples lives will go on the same as before but hers will NEVER be the same. I remember thinking as life returned to normal for those that had surrounded me when Matthew died how unfair it was. I was angry that they had a life to return, a family in tact. How could they all go back to a normal life while mine was gone?!
I hope with all that I have to be there for my friend every single time she needs me. I hope I can give her what she needs. I hope she knows how much I love her and care about her.
People wake up. Life happens, it changes it throws it curves that we are ill-equipped to handle. Let's be there for each other, lets LIVE each and everyday, let's let each other know how important they are in our lives.
I hurt for my friend, I realize how it could have been my son, I realize how fragile life is.
Life is fleeting, life is good, and we need to live it while we can!
This was originally written on Sept 27, 2012 but went unpublished until Oct 10, 2010.
If It Ain't Broke....Don't Fix It
I have learned an important point in acceptance! When we meet a person we either like or dislike them. If we like them there are certain traits that draw us to them. Why then do we try to change them? Why do we expect more from them than they can give? Why do we expect them to be something they are not?
If I painted my room green, why would I expect it to be purple? If I cooked cabbage why would I expect it to smell like beef stew? If I made friends with someone born and bred in England why would I expect them to speak with an Italian accent? I wouldn't.
Yet once we get into a relationship with a person, be it friend, lover or even a co-worker we seem to forget about what it was that we liked about that person and focus more on how we can change them.
Okay I liked you right off the bat because you made me laugh and tell it like it is. BUT....I wish you would sugar coat when you talk about me. Therefore you are asking them to change for you.
You told me you have issues with trust and keeping secrets. BUT....I am going to tell you a secret please keep it. And when they tell we are surprise!!! Really? Did you think they would change?
I fall for a guy who is not openly affectionate. We are out and I want to sit close and have him put is arm around me and hold me close. I get more than a little angry thinking in my head that he is embarrassed to be seen with me and doesn't really care, blah, blah, blah. Now didn't I already KNOW that he wasn't going to do that?
Sometimes it is extremely important to define your terms. For instance, if I say I have a "little" money I may have $10.00 to someone else a "little" money may be $100.00. If I want to spend some time with you I may be talking about a day or two. You may think I mean an hour or two. Sets us up for misunderstanding and unmet expectations.
I am looking for a long term relationship. Why then would I get into a relationship with a married man? Why would I expect him to leave his wife and join me in happily ever after?
I want to travel and enjoy life! Why then would I chose a boyfriend who hates to travel and his idea of a good time is mowing the lawn?
Do I really think I have the power to change any of the above situations. Should I even want to change a person. They are who they are just as I am who I am.
I want to accept each person who comes into my life for WHO they are. I don't want to try and change ANYONE. If we have differences that should do nothing more than enhance the relationship. Sure I can LOVE their strong points but if I can't handle there weak points that is MY problem. Why try to make them see things MY way. That's what makes them who they are.
The people I love in my life are all FAR from perfect, would I love them if they were perfect, probably NOT. That would only serve to show me how imperfect I am (as if I didn't already know that).
Live and let live! No more unsolicited advice. No more shock when people don't meet my expectations. No judgement. Acceptance of who they are!!
After all it is their life....they are free to live it their way. Just as it is my life and I am going to live it MY way! Life is good!!
If I painted my room green, why would I expect it to be purple? If I cooked cabbage why would I expect it to smell like beef stew? If I made friends with someone born and bred in England why would I expect them to speak with an Italian accent? I wouldn't.
Yet once we get into a relationship with a person, be it friend, lover or even a co-worker we seem to forget about what it was that we liked about that person and focus more on how we can change them.
Okay I liked you right off the bat because you made me laugh and tell it like it is. BUT....I wish you would sugar coat when you talk about me. Therefore you are asking them to change for you.
You told me you have issues with trust and keeping secrets. BUT....I am going to tell you a secret please keep it. And when they tell we are surprise!!! Really? Did you think they would change?
I fall for a guy who is not openly affectionate. We are out and I want to sit close and have him put is arm around me and hold me close. I get more than a little angry thinking in my head that he is embarrassed to be seen with me and doesn't really care, blah, blah, blah. Now didn't I already KNOW that he wasn't going to do that?
Sometimes it is extremely important to define your terms. For instance, if I say I have a "little" money I may have $10.00 to someone else a "little" money may be $100.00. If I want to spend some time with you I may be talking about a day or two. You may think I mean an hour or two. Sets us up for misunderstanding and unmet expectations.
I am looking for a long term relationship. Why then would I get into a relationship with a married man? Why would I expect him to leave his wife and join me in happily ever after?
I want to travel and enjoy life! Why then would I chose a boyfriend who hates to travel and his idea of a good time is mowing the lawn?
Do I really think I have the power to change any of the above situations. Should I even want to change a person. They are who they are just as I am who I am.
I want to accept each person who comes into my life for WHO they are. I don't want to try and change ANYONE. If we have differences that should do nothing more than enhance the relationship. Sure I can LOVE their strong points but if I can't handle there weak points that is MY problem. Why try to make them see things MY way. That's what makes them who they are.
The people I love in my life are all FAR from perfect, would I love them if they were perfect, probably NOT. That would only serve to show me how imperfect I am (as if I didn't already know that).
Live and let live! No more unsolicited advice. No more shock when people don't meet my expectations. No judgement. Acceptance of who they are!!
After all it is their life....they are free to live it their way. Just as it is my life and I am going to live it MY way! Life is good!!
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