Wow another year under my belt. Still wondering when I will feel whole again. Still struggling with the void of not having that someone special in my life. Still wondering why things happen the way they do. Still wishing I could totally happy again.
As I sit here waiting for time for my New Years Eve celebration with family and friends I hold so dear I find myself at a loss. Why do I feel I need more? I have so much. Much more than many. I have people who love me. And I love them. Why do I feel like something is missing? I had it all and like so many took it for granted. But I still have SO much.
I am blessed with good health. I have a nice home. I have a beautiful family. I have loving, caring friends. Yet I want that one special someone who can't live without me. That one person that makes me sparkle on the inside, makes me giggle like a school girl, that I can't wait to see and will never get enough of. That person that I would move heaven and earth for. And he would feel the exact same things for me.
Wait, be patient, he's out there. I think I've found him but it is so complicated. Why can't it be easy? Why shouldn't it be easy? Why does it seem I have to be tested time and time again? Why must I cry myself to sleep missing him and wanting him? If there is another out there for me why can't he find me?
All around me people are meeting, falling in love, starting a life together. People are overcoming obstacles and living happily. That's all I want! I want to love him with my whole heart and have it returned. I want to be with him every moment, share every dream and treat him with love and respect. I want to snuggle in his arms as I go to sleep and wake and watch him sleeping peacefully and KNOW he is mine! Know that he is were he wants to be and know he loves me just as much.
I was so not cut out to be alone. I need to love someone, to take care of someone to belong to someone.
This is so hard. I never imagined being alone. I hate it. I HATE IT!!!!!
Is this my year? Is this the year I will have my someone special? I don't know. I hope so. I would love to have my heart in one piece again. I hope it happens for me, but I guess if it doesn't I will survive another year. Deep down I know life is good, I know I am blessed and my it is the totally selfish me that wants more, needs more. This is my life and it's not done. I will go on, I will keep hoping I find him or that he finds me.
Happy New Year!!!!
