Have been frustrated for days both with my life and my blog. Couldn't access so I could write, finally figured out the problem....now if I could only solve my life issues as easily.
Falling deeper in love with my man each time we are together but he is still undecided what he is going to do in the situation. He seems more committed to me in all he says and does but then he does something so selfish that I reel from it.
He took a vacation day and spent Valentine's Day with me and afterwards I remembered that is his wedding anniversary! He was with me ...ouch! For the first time since our relationship began I felt a huge pang of guilt. Once upon a time I would not even have thought of seeing a married man, now I have been doing it for almost 2 1/2 years. Who am I?
Oh I can justify it, trust me on that. But do I want to anymore? I am so confused I don't know which end is up. I try to sort it out in my head and my heart puts in it's two cents worth and I am back at square one. I love him. He loves me. Blah, blah this and blah, blah that, if's and should's... I am losing my mind!!
After a few days of not seeing him I practice my dismissal speech and set my mind to ending it. Then he comes in the door and my resolve quickly dissolves. He is here, we are tucked away in our own little world where no one can touch us and we are safe and in love. Our own little world...it is nice, but it is NOT what I want all the time. I want to go out and share life's experiences. I want to shout from the rooftops that he is mine and I am his. I want to be accepted as a couple. Is this EVER going to happen? I don't know, but I do know that my patience is running out. I am tired of waiting and wanting. I want to go to bed with him each night and wake up with him each morning. I want to make his dinner and his breakfast and send him off to work every day and welcome him home every evening. I want to do things with him that he is passionate about and expect him to do the same with me. I want an all or nothing relationship with this man.
So the question I have to ask myself is how much longer am I willing to wait? What is it going to take for me to take a stand and issue an ultimatum? Not that I haven't done that in the past. I have, to no avail. I took him back 3 times!!! Once after no communication for over a month. I know, I know what was I thinking? The truth be told I couldn't think. My heart over ruled ever thought that came into my brain. I honestly felt I was going to die.
So what brings me to this point again I am asking myself. Life has brought me to this point. There are no guarantees in this life....I have a young friend with breast cancer, I have a high school friend that was just diagnosed with colon cancer and lost 4 other classmates last year. I may not have time to dick around and wait for him to decide what he wants. I KNOW what I want and if I can't have it I will find someone who does want what I want. It's as simple as that. Do I want to start all over? NOOOOOO I don't, but the choice is not mine to make.
I am not asking for understanding, or advice. I am putting this out there so if you are in a similar situation you know you are not struggling alone. We all make mistakes, especially when the heart is involved. There is NO need to beat ourselves up, no need to try to wish it all away. It is what it is and regardless of how we got here it is our choice to do what we feel we must do.
Today I feel strongly that I will stick to my guns very soon and make my demands known. Tomorrow I may feel differently. But at the end of the day, it's my life, I am living it to the best of my ability today and looking to make a better tomorrow for ME. My life is good, and I will continue to live it MY way.
