Whew! This morning I woke up way too early for a Saturday so I decided to utilize the time and go for a long walk and do some really serious thinking about an man issue I am having. You know exercise the body and the mind and solve my problems at one time!
So I donned the work out clothing and off I went. As I walked out of the building into the warm morning air I thought how quiet my little town is that early on a Saturday morning. Walking downhill to the walking bridge I let my weight carry me forward effortlessly. Crossing the bridge I saw the fish jumping after the morning bugs and immediately thought of Matthew, he so loved to fish. Crossing into town I saw a man, obviously still a little intoxicated from the night before, stumble out of the parking lot looking a little perplexed, I'm thinking he is trying to remember last night. I giggle to myself.
Enough, I think to myself, what are you going to do about your problem? As I move down Main Street at a brisk pace I am annoyed that the mosquitoes are still out! Who knew? I was thinking that I was moving fast enough that they wouldn't bite me, but NO....they stick to the sweat and bite my forehead! Damnit!
I pass the VFW where a friend of ours had the bar years ago. What fun we had there. I see the Christmas lights up in the big tree and think about the tree lighting that takes place there each year. I love my little town. I move past the house where my boys friend used to live before she was killed in a tragic car accident, and I think of her family and friends having to live without her. Shaking it off I am determined to think about my problems now, time to come up with a way to deal with them.
I turn on to Purner Street and a man with 2 dogs is coming up the street toward me. Now anyone who knows me very well knows I am a little bit afraid of strange dogs, especially big ones. These were big enough and looked to me like they may be sizing me up for breakfast. So I stared straight ahead and kept moving, although a bit stiffer. To my relief the man kept them in check and they passed without so much as sniffing me! Again I crossed over the river and gazed out over the peaceful waters and thought about how lucky I am to live here. A little bit farther down the road I notice a gazillion ants on the sidewalk. If I hurry through them they won't have time to crawl up my leg and bite me...sure hope they don't stick to my socks...or sweat! Made it, no ant attack!
I continue on noticing the squirrels and the little bunny foufous and the birds and the bees and the flowers and the trees, hey sounds like a song....but wait. What about my problem, I am headed toward the home stretch and I haven't even come close to figuring out how to handle it. I slow my pace as I pass the high school, knowing that now I have to go uphill to get back home. Uphill, my least favorite part. As I start my climb I realize that no matter which direction I come from, my house is uphill. But to get where I can rest, where I am comfortable and want to be I must travel uphill. Life is full of uphills, minor inconveniences, little hills and big mountains, life's major events. I realize I have a huge smile on my face. That wasn't there when I left earlier. Walking around, being reminded of what's important, what I love about where I live, and NOT focusing on my problem was the best action. I can deal with those later, what were they again? That uphill battle is for another day another time. To get home, we may have to travel uphill, to solve or problems we have to travel uphill, but eventually we will get there.
Life is good!!!! Live it!!!!
Saturday, June 30, 2012
Thursday, June 28, 2012
Chasing Peace
The search for peace is long, perplexing and tiring! It seems the more you seek it the more it eludes you. Maybe I don't know what peace really is? Maybe I have no clue what I am looking for?!
Sometimes when I am really bored I find myself asking, "Is the peace?" Cause if it is...maybe I'm in the wrong place. So right here and now perhaps I should define my idea of peace.....ummmmmm.
In my minds eye, and I have to be careful here, peace is living with others, exhibiting kindness and respect. It is not having unwanted, heart breaking experiences every time you turn around. Pleasant surprises are welcome however. Peace is knowing that you are loved and cared about, feeling in control of your own destiny, and knowing what it is that brings you to the place of contentment. Wow, having just read what I have written no wonder I am struggling with this pursuit.
I have a dear and beautiful friend that is so center,most of the time, forgive me friend. I envy her sometimes, not included in finding peace 101. She has shared with me ways to find my center and not depend on others to meet my needs. And I know this is the key. I know I need to self soothe so to speak. I will never find true peace if I am at odds with myself. Now comes the question I dread....am I at odds with myself. Oh yeah....I sure am...lol. Over many things, and most of the things are little insignificant things. What to do about these things now that I realize I am my own problem....??
Starting with an inventory is a pretty good place to start. What are some of the things that block my obtaining peace? I would love to just say chaos and end it there...but it is NOT that simple...whose chaos? MINE.
I am not going to make my inventory here but I am going to sit down and take one. It's like cleaning out my closet when things don't fit anymore. I have things in my life that just don't fit my lifestyle any longer. I need to get rid of them. Things like guilt, what purpose does that serve? Blocks my peace. Things like wanting control over things I cannot control, blocks my peace. I know I can only control myself. Like wishing this or that were different, if I want them different change myself.
My search for peace will continue until I succeed! Why? Because this is the rest of my life. I want it to be good! I want to live it!!
Sometimes when I am really bored I find myself asking, "Is the peace?" Cause if it is...maybe I'm in the wrong place. So right here and now perhaps I should define my idea of peace.....ummmmmm.
In my minds eye, and I have to be careful here, peace is living with others, exhibiting kindness and respect. It is not having unwanted, heart breaking experiences every time you turn around. Pleasant surprises are welcome however. Peace is knowing that you are loved and cared about, feeling in control of your own destiny, and knowing what it is that brings you to the place of contentment. Wow, having just read what I have written no wonder I am struggling with this pursuit.
I have a dear and beautiful friend that is so center,most of the time, forgive me friend. I envy her sometimes, not included in finding peace 101. She has shared with me ways to find my center and not depend on others to meet my needs. And I know this is the key. I know I need to self soothe so to speak. I will never find true peace if I am at odds with myself. Now comes the question I dread....am I at odds with myself. Oh yeah....I sure am...lol. Over many things, and most of the things are little insignificant things. What to do about these things now that I realize I am my own problem....??
Starting with an inventory is a pretty good place to start. What are some of the things that block my obtaining peace? I would love to just say chaos and end it there...but it is NOT that simple...whose chaos? MINE.
I am not going to make my inventory here but I am going to sit down and take one. It's like cleaning out my closet when things don't fit anymore. I have things in my life that just don't fit my lifestyle any longer. I need to get rid of them. Things like guilt, what purpose does that serve? Blocks my peace. Things like wanting control over things I cannot control, blocks my peace. I know I can only control myself. Like wishing this or that were different, if I want them different change myself.
My search for peace will continue until I succeed! Why? Because this is the rest of my life. I want it to be good! I want to live it!!
Wednesday, June 27, 2012
Sadness In The Midst Of Joy
I am very sad today to say that we lost another puppy last evening. And the depth of sadness is so incrediably deep! Not just for me but for my lovely daughter. I think I hurt more for her than anyone. She has been an amazing midwife to Roxie, reading everything she could get her hands on making sure everything was done just right for both Mama and babies! When you care so deeply you experience the highs and lows of the situation so much more. She has always had a heart for animals, especially the weak fragile ones.
Leanna is my only daughter and mother to all of my grandchildren. To say that I am extremely proud of her is a huge understatement! She is not only my daughter but my closest friend and biggest supporter. I know she always has my back and will love me no matter what foolish thing I do.
We have walked hand in hand through some pretty tough times. We have cried together, and certainly laughed together. We have fought with each other and for each other. We respect each other and dare anyone to disrespect either one of us with the other present.
The amazing thing is, whatever is going on, good, bad or indifferent, we have the joy of knowing we have each other.
We have shared a gambit of emotions the past couple of days. First total and complete excitement at the prospect of the birth of the puppies. When the pangs of labor hit we were more than a little excited, we were over the moon!! When it became apparent the birth was not going according to plan panic set in quickly. Still never dreaming it would go so wrong. When the first puppy passed away the overwhelming sadness saturated the room. And when at last the final two puppies were delivered the joy was unmistakable!! Finally, bringing Roxie and the babies home, even with the loss of Buster, joy was the name of the game.
Now with the loss of Triton sadness threatens to take the joy once again. We must look at the big picture and practice the glass is half full theory. No matter what is gone there is more left behind. More joy to come, more puppies, more love, more living. Even with sadness in the midst of joy life IS good!!! Live it!!! Live it fully!!
Leanna is my only daughter and mother to all of my grandchildren. To say that I am extremely proud of her is a huge understatement! She is not only my daughter but my closest friend and biggest supporter. I know she always has my back and will love me no matter what foolish thing I do.
We have walked hand in hand through some pretty tough times. We have cried together, and certainly laughed together. We have fought with each other and for each other. We respect each other and dare anyone to disrespect either one of us with the other present.
The amazing thing is, whatever is going on, good, bad or indifferent, we have the joy of knowing we have each other.
We have shared a gambit of emotions the past couple of days. First total and complete excitement at the prospect of the birth of the puppies. When the pangs of labor hit we were more than a little excited, we were over the moon!! When it became apparent the birth was not going according to plan panic set in quickly. Still never dreaming it would go so wrong. When the first puppy passed away the overwhelming sadness saturated the room. And when at last the final two puppies were delivered the joy was unmistakable!! Finally, bringing Roxie and the babies home, even with the loss of Buster, joy was the name of the game.
Now with the loss of Triton sadness threatens to take the joy once again. We must look at the big picture and practice the glass is half full theory. No matter what is gone there is more left behind. More joy to come, more puppies, more love, more living. Even with sadness in the midst of joy life IS good!!! Live it!!! Live it fully!!
Tuesday, June 26, 2012
Puppy Power!!
I would like to share a story with you if I may;
Once upon a time, there was a husband who loved his wife more than she could believe. He was a wonderful husband and an amazing father.
The family made a move to another state and things were NOT good there. So the loving husband bought his sad, homesick wife a beautiful little dapple puppy they named Roxie! Roxie was so loving and had a unique personality all her own. She brought happiness to the family, especially the wife.
After several years the husband unexpectedly passed away, leaving a grieve stricken wife, children and little doggy. Roxie watched for him to come home from work each day, all the while keeping the wife company and giving unconditional love.
It came about that the wife decided to give the dog to her grandson because he loved her so much and the wife thought it best for her to be with him and his family.
Because Roxie was a gift from such a wonderful man and step father it was decided that she should have another litter of puppies so that part of the man could continue to bless our lives. With that purpose she was mated and the wait began.....
Finally yesterday Roxie went into labor. After laboring for a while it became apparent that she was in trouble. She was rushed to the vet where they tried at first unsuccessfully, to remove the puppies via forceps. After giving her medicine to intensify her contractions they were able to remove 3 puppies. All boys. We had to have a little dapple girl....we just HAD to! It was decided that an x-ray needed to be taken to determine how many more puppies were inside. They found 2 more puppies unable to make it down the birth canal. So they preformed an emergency c-section. When they took Roxie into surgery they came and informed us that the first puppy did not make it. We all burst into tears for our lost little baby. Only after many tears did we realize that the husband in heaven now had his own little puppy.
While Roxie was in surgery they let us have the puppies in with us, we held them and loved them and cried with joy and sorrow. Finally they came and gave us the news....the 2 little puppies were doing well and they where BOTH females....one dapple like her mother!!! We shouted with joy!! Leanna now had her MattyMae, named after the loving husband and step father.
Mother and puppies are doing well. Our family has yet another bond cementing us even stronger together. Who would of thought puppies could mean so much?
Another example of how good life is!!! Live it!!!!
Once upon a time, there was a husband who loved his wife more than she could believe. He was a wonderful husband and an amazing father.
The family made a move to another state and things were NOT good there. So the loving husband bought his sad, homesick wife a beautiful little dapple puppy they named Roxie! Roxie was so loving and had a unique personality all her own. She brought happiness to the family, especially the wife.
After several years the husband unexpectedly passed away, leaving a grieve stricken wife, children and little doggy. Roxie watched for him to come home from work each day, all the while keeping the wife company and giving unconditional love.
It came about that the wife decided to give the dog to her grandson because he loved her so much and the wife thought it best for her to be with him and his family.
Because Roxie was a gift from such a wonderful man and step father it was decided that she should have another litter of puppies so that part of the man could continue to bless our lives. With that purpose she was mated and the wait began.....
Finally yesterday Roxie went into labor. After laboring for a while it became apparent that she was in trouble. She was rushed to the vet where they tried at first unsuccessfully, to remove the puppies via forceps. After giving her medicine to intensify her contractions they were able to remove 3 puppies. All boys. We had to have a little dapple girl....we just HAD to! It was decided that an x-ray needed to be taken to determine how many more puppies were inside. They found 2 more puppies unable to make it down the birth canal. So they preformed an emergency c-section. When they took Roxie into surgery they came and informed us that the first puppy did not make it. We all burst into tears for our lost little baby. Only after many tears did we realize that the husband in heaven now had his own little puppy.
While Roxie was in surgery they let us have the puppies in with us, we held them and loved them and cried with joy and sorrow. Finally they came and gave us the news....the 2 little puppies were doing well and they where BOTH females....one dapple like her mother!!! We shouted with joy!! Leanna now had her MattyMae, named after the loving husband and step father.
Mother and puppies are doing well. Our family has yet another bond cementing us even stronger together. Who would of thought puppies could mean so much?
Another example of how good life is!!! Live it!!!!
Monday, June 25, 2012
The World Didn't End
After 2 days of crying and sleeping and crying some more I see that the world is still here. The sun is shining, the birds are singing and I'm sure somewhere someone is actually smiling.
As for me....well I have survived. Survived a hellish nightmare of my own making. Overreacting as usual, losing my mind when I would have been much better off keeping control of it and acting like a total and complete ass!
Reading between the lines, assuming, and looking into the future in my not so shiny crystal ball brought me to the point of total and utter ridiculousness! Ugly, threatening, nasty, words all spouted by ME! All because I didn't get my way! Really Judi, how old are you? How long have you played this game?
I presented myself as a total lunatic! And why? Because I have not wanted to ask questions that I have every right to know the answer to. I have not let my feelings be known on all levels. I have not wanted to make waves. I am assuming and he is doing the same. Yes that's healthy. Where is the communication that I so proudly claim I am so good at? Where are the boundaries that I plead with others to set and follow? Where is any independence on my part? Somewhere inside me in some unrecognizable place I suppose.
I am pretty sure I am wearing blinders, because that is what I chose to do still. And I am well aware that I am risking being hurt in a big way, but right now I don't care. Now I have to prove to both of us that I am not a wild, crazy woman who blows her top and is in need of a straight jacket, over some little thing.
I apologize to my man, I am sorry for acting like a crazy, spoiled, assuming bitch. We will talk this out and you will see I will keep my word.
Everyone tells me how strong I am, how I can get through anything, and by god I am! There is good in people, love to be had, and worlds of wonder to experience,
Life is good, I will live it.....even if not everything is golden at this point it's worth living to the max!!! Look out world here I come!!!
As for me....well I have survived. Survived a hellish nightmare of my own making. Overreacting as usual, losing my mind when I would have been much better off keeping control of it and acting like a total and complete ass!
Reading between the lines, assuming, and looking into the future in my not so shiny crystal ball brought me to the point of total and utter ridiculousness! Ugly, threatening, nasty, words all spouted by ME! All because I didn't get my way! Really Judi, how old are you? How long have you played this game?
I presented myself as a total lunatic! And why? Because I have not wanted to ask questions that I have every right to know the answer to. I have not let my feelings be known on all levels. I have not wanted to make waves. I am assuming and he is doing the same. Yes that's healthy. Where is the communication that I so proudly claim I am so good at? Where are the boundaries that I plead with others to set and follow? Where is any independence on my part? Somewhere inside me in some unrecognizable place I suppose.
I am pretty sure I am wearing blinders, because that is what I chose to do still. And I am well aware that I am risking being hurt in a big way, but right now I don't care. Now I have to prove to both of us that I am not a wild, crazy woman who blows her top and is in need of a straight jacket, over some little thing.
I apologize to my man, I am sorry for acting like a crazy, spoiled, assuming bitch. We will talk this out and you will see I will keep my word.
Everyone tells me how strong I am, how I can get through anything, and by god I am! There is good in people, love to be had, and worlds of wonder to experience,
Life is good, I will live it.....even if not everything is golden at this point it's worth living to the max!!! Look out world here I come!!!
Saturday, June 23, 2012
Pleasing Others
Not possible!! We can only please ourselves! I know this first hand. No matter how much we give, others just take, take, and take.
I gave my heart, my love, my all and got NOTHING in return. Unless you call a broken heart and absolutely no self esteem left something. Who does this?
I am gasping for breath as I write this. I don't know what the morning will bring.....I wish it were death but I know I won't try that again. I promised, not only myself, but all those that I hold dear to my heart. But I have to admit it would be better than this!
Why, why do we put all of our hope and dreams into one person? Why do we trust ANYONE with our heats? What the fuck are we trying to prove?
I am devastated.
I didn't write on 6/22 because I was troubled and nothing came to me. I was blinded by something I thought was promised to me. I thought my life was good and someone loved me and needed me. But I was wrong, yes ME, I was wrong. I had my eyes opened and now I HATE what I see. I see that I was used in the worst possible way! Something that I thought I gave freely was abused and turned into something awful and tarnished. Someone I totally trusted and loved was not only untrustworthy, but also a selfish monster.
You see I was in love. Feel in love months ago. And he is married. Safely married. He offers nothing....she takes nothing. I gave EVERYTHING! He had the best of both worlds, I, as it turns out had nothing.
Do I show him for what he is, or do I learn a lesson and turn away and leave his world in tact? I want to destroy him, to hurt him as he hurt me. But I can't. I know a lot of people are going to say "I told you so". I don't want to hear it. I can't bear it. I am a fool. A stupid naive fool.
Trust NO ONE, believe NO ONE, love NO ONE! Now I am left alone, knowing I made another HUGE mistake. Not caring whether I live or die. Not wanting tomorrow to come. And who do I blame...ME!! I thought I was pleasing myself....I thought I was pleasing HIM.....
But in the end I have to believe life is good....let me find it...let me live it....oh please.....
I gave my heart, my love, my all and got NOTHING in return. Unless you call a broken heart and absolutely no self esteem left something. Who does this?
I am gasping for breath as I write this. I don't know what the morning will bring.....I wish it were death but I know I won't try that again. I promised, not only myself, but all those that I hold dear to my heart. But I have to admit it would be better than this!
Why, why do we put all of our hope and dreams into one person? Why do we trust ANYONE with our heats? What the fuck are we trying to prove?
I am devastated.
I didn't write on 6/22 because I was troubled and nothing came to me. I was blinded by something I thought was promised to me. I thought my life was good and someone loved me and needed me. But I was wrong, yes ME, I was wrong. I had my eyes opened and now I HATE what I see. I see that I was used in the worst possible way! Something that I thought I gave freely was abused and turned into something awful and tarnished. Someone I totally trusted and loved was not only untrustworthy, but also a selfish monster.
You see I was in love. Feel in love months ago. And he is married. Safely married. He offers nothing....she takes nothing. I gave EVERYTHING! He had the best of both worlds, I, as it turns out had nothing.
Do I show him for what he is, or do I learn a lesson and turn away and leave his world in tact? I want to destroy him, to hurt him as he hurt me. But I can't. I know a lot of people are going to say "I told you so". I don't want to hear it. I can't bear it. I am a fool. A stupid naive fool.
Trust NO ONE, believe NO ONE, love NO ONE! Now I am left alone, knowing I made another HUGE mistake. Not caring whether I live or die. Not wanting tomorrow to come. And who do I blame...ME!! I thought I was pleasing myself....I thought I was pleasing HIM.....
But in the end I have to believe life is good....let me find it...let me live it....oh please.....
Thursday, June 21, 2012
To Thine Own Self Be True and Set A Good Example?
That is most certainly an oxymoron! I prefer "don't do as I do, do as I say". Unfortunately the loudest words are often those unspoken. Little do we really know how our actions affect those around us so much more than our words of wisdom.
I think it is safe to say that most of us want our children and our loved ones to have the best of everything. Better than the things we had better than the things we experienced. And we often share this in words. But remember they see our choices, they see what we accept, what we endure, and the way we life. If we settle, they see that. Is that what we want for them? Do we want them to settle for anything less than excellence?
With my first marriage I did not set a very good example for my children, especially for my daughter. I put up with abuse, both verbal and physical. I put up with alcohol taking first place in his affections. I put up with him cheating on my. Did I want either of my children to put up with any one of those things? Absolutely not! Yet my actions showed them it's okay to live like that. After the relationship ended it was easy to say, I should have left, I should have put him out. But I didn't. I regret that to this day. I thought I was doing the right thing. Keeping my wedding vows, staying with a man that totally disrespected me. I was, I thought, being true to what I believed, but I was not setting an example I wanted for anyone I loved to follow.
I have friends that stay in relationships, again thinking they are being true to themselves, and as an outsider I find myself thinking, why in the world are they settling for this? Although I can't see it, they have their reasons. They are setting an example for someone, is it good or is it bad? Not for me to decide. But I challenge you right now. If someone you love follows in your footsteps, are they going to be happy? Is it what you want for them?
I am happy to say that the example Matthew and I left was a great one, and hopefully our boys and a lot of people who knew us use as an example. If my boys follow in their fathers footsteps I will indeed be one proud Mama!
I hope to lead by example. I know there are people that see things in a much different light than I do, and that's okay. In the long run I am happy, healthy and looking forward.
My life is good, very good at this moment. And I am living it!!
I think it is safe to say that most of us want our children and our loved ones to have the best of everything. Better than the things we had better than the things we experienced. And we often share this in words. But remember they see our choices, they see what we accept, what we endure, and the way we life. If we settle, they see that. Is that what we want for them? Do we want them to settle for anything less than excellence?
With my first marriage I did not set a very good example for my children, especially for my daughter. I put up with abuse, both verbal and physical. I put up with alcohol taking first place in his affections. I put up with him cheating on my. Did I want either of my children to put up with any one of those things? Absolutely not! Yet my actions showed them it's okay to live like that. After the relationship ended it was easy to say, I should have left, I should have put him out. But I didn't. I regret that to this day. I thought I was doing the right thing. Keeping my wedding vows, staying with a man that totally disrespected me. I was, I thought, being true to what I believed, but I was not setting an example I wanted for anyone I loved to follow.
I have friends that stay in relationships, again thinking they are being true to themselves, and as an outsider I find myself thinking, why in the world are they settling for this? Although I can't see it, they have their reasons. They are setting an example for someone, is it good or is it bad? Not for me to decide. But I challenge you right now. If someone you love follows in your footsteps, are they going to be happy? Is it what you want for them?
I am happy to say that the example Matthew and I left was a great one, and hopefully our boys and a lot of people who knew us use as an example. If my boys follow in their fathers footsteps I will indeed be one proud Mama!
I hope to lead by example. I know there are people that see things in a much different light than I do, and that's okay. In the long run I am happy, healthy and looking forward.
My life is good, very good at this moment. And I am living it!!
Wednesday, June 20, 2012
The Invite
I have received invitations to everything from Tupperware parties, to baby showers and everything in between. I consider myself to be very social and usually love attending these get-togethers to visit and see what's new. When you are alone under circumstances not under your control the rules of accepting invitations is a whole new ballgame.
When I receive an invitation it might seem a great idea to attend a gathering. If it is an event of primarily women there is a better chance I will actually attend. If it is more of a couples outing you can be pretty sure I will not show. And if it is something that Matt and I attended together or would have done together it will completely throw me into a tailspin!
Unsuspecting friends have extended invitations to things and I will say "Oh yes I would love to come." And I mean it when I say it, I really do. But later when I think it through I have trouble following through. For instances I have some lovely friends who Matthew and I did a lot of things with. We used to play games at each others houses, go out to dinner, have parties in our homes, go on outings and fish with them. I love these people! When I returned to WI from TX they invited me to several kids parties and I had every intention of going. I was asked to their home, I wanted to go. But I never made it. Finally a new member of their family invited me to a 1st birthday party for her child and I agreed to attend. RVSP and the whole nine yards. The day of the party I had a melt down. I had to take anti-anxiety medicine to get my crying self out of the door.
Once there I relaxed, thanks meds, and totally enjoyed myself. I watched the children wishing I had been around them more making a mental note to see to that that happens (and it hasn't). And then it came to me. I didn't want to be around these people because Matthew wasn't with me. I had a huge void and it felt awful! I wondered if I had hurt their feelings by not coming around and always being a no show. I still have not gone to them and told them that that is why I was avoiding them. I love them and wouldn't want to hurt them and know they would understand. It's just hard to put into words to them. I WILL do this.
So to anyone who has invited me to anything and I've not come or been less than a gracious guest I am so sorry. I have learned to say when invited to things now that I appreciate the invite and if I am able to I will be there. Because it may sound good right now but by the time it arrives I am in a different place and it doesn't sound like something I can do right now. Please understand that I am okay when I don't come to your party or event. I am just being ME.
Life IS good! And I am living it MY way!
When I receive an invitation it might seem a great idea to attend a gathering. If it is an event of primarily women there is a better chance I will actually attend. If it is more of a couples outing you can be pretty sure I will not show. And if it is something that Matt and I attended together or would have done together it will completely throw me into a tailspin!
Unsuspecting friends have extended invitations to things and I will say "Oh yes I would love to come." And I mean it when I say it, I really do. But later when I think it through I have trouble following through. For instances I have some lovely friends who Matthew and I did a lot of things with. We used to play games at each others houses, go out to dinner, have parties in our homes, go on outings and fish with them. I love these people! When I returned to WI from TX they invited me to several kids parties and I had every intention of going. I was asked to their home, I wanted to go. But I never made it. Finally a new member of their family invited me to a 1st birthday party for her child and I agreed to attend. RVSP and the whole nine yards. The day of the party I had a melt down. I had to take anti-anxiety medicine to get my crying self out of the door.
Once there I relaxed, thanks meds, and totally enjoyed myself. I watched the children wishing I had been around them more making a mental note to see to that that happens (and it hasn't). And then it came to me. I didn't want to be around these people because Matthew wasn't with me. I had a huge void and it felt awful! I wondered if I had hurt their feelings by not coming around and always being a no show. I still have not gone to them and told them that that is why I was avoiding them. I love them and wouldn't want to hurt them and know they would understand. It's just hard to put into words to them. I WILL do this.
So to anyone who has invited me to anything and I've not come or been less than a gracious guest I am so sorry. I have learned to say when invited to things now that I appreciate the invite and if I am able to I will be there. Because it may sound good right now but by the time it arrives I am in a different place and it doesn't sound like something I can do right now. Please understand that I am okay when I don't come to your party or event. I am just being ME.
Life IS good! And I am living it MY way!
Tuesday, June 19, 2012
The Wallow Hangover
A two day hangover!! Or in the case a wallow hangover! One that could have slipped right into a third day!! Unlike the usual hangover, a bloody Mary was not the answer to this over indulgence. The plop plop fizz fizz of Alka Seltzer wouldn't help. The answer lay in me. I had to make a conscience effort to move forward.
So after 2 days of dwelling on my losses and the holes in my life I decided enough is enough! Before I went to bed last night I had a talk with myself, pretty sure my neighbors think I am a nut case, "Self" I said, "pull you head out of your ass and practice what you preach"! So where to start?
I have recently found that walking is great therapy for my wounded soul. It is more fun to have a walking buddy most of the time, however sometimes it just needs to be me. But this morning I felt the need to have a partner. I controlled my excitement that began when I woke at 5:30, ready to get out and walk, until I thought my friend might not kill me if I texted her to walk with me. She didn't answer my text so I took it upon myself to walk to her house and knock on her door....ready or not it's time to walk!! Luckily she was about ready to get up anyway and also ready to get a walk in!
Walking and talking, assuming you can do both at one time, is so great. The time flies and before you know it you have walked 4+ miles!!! And the things you catch up on are priceless...lol. Your body feels great, you mind is refreshed and your friendship is strengthened! Not bad for a simple little thing like a walk right?
We parted ways with a hug, both feeling accomplished and a sense of self pride. See simple things do make your life better. I came in had an iced coffee and my mood couldn't be better. I am glad I made the choice to get out of the wallow fog and move into the light of life.
Life is indeed good!! Live it!!
So after 2 days of dwelling on my losses and the holes in my life I decided enough is enough! Before I went to bed last night I had a talk with myself, pretty sure my neighbors think I am a nut case, "Self" I said, "pull you head out of your ass and practice what you preach"! So where to start?
I have recently found that walking is great therapy for my wounded soul. It is more fun to have a walking buddy most of the time, however sometimes it just needs to be me. But this morning I felt the need to have a partner. I controlled my excitement that began when I woke at 5:30, ready to get out and walk, until I thought my friend might not kill me if I texted her to walk with me. She didn't answer my text so I took it upon myself to walk to her house and knock on her door....ready or not it's time to walk!! Luckily she was about ready to get up anyway and also ready to get a walk in!
Walking and talking, assuming you can do both at one time, is so great. The time flies and before you know it you have walked 4+ miles!!! And the things you catch up on are priceless...lol. Your body feels great, you mind is refreshed and your friendship is strengthened! Not bad for a simple little thing like a walk right?
We parted ways with a hug, both feeling accomplished and a sense of self pride. See simple things do make your life better. I came in had an iced coffee and my mood couldn't be better. I am glad I made the choice to get out of the wallow fog and move into the light of life.
Life is indeed good!! Live it!!
Monday, June 18, 2012
The Wallow Queen
Oh boy, talk about wallow?! Yesterday was the day for it! Sometimes holidays just plan suck! And yesterday brought out the poor pitiful me in an enormous way! No one could have possibly been wronged more than I yesterday. I have the fat puffy eyes to prove it!
I woke up thinking I had it by the tail. I had already written about my father figures and had dealt with so it was all good....WRONG!
Does the term 'abandonment issues' ring a bell? How dare these wonderful men who meant so much to my heart and soul just up and die on ME! And I am reasonably sure they did it just to hurt ME! Let's forget the fact that maybe they weren't quite ready to leave this world, maybe they didn't go out in the fashion they wanted. Maybe they weren't finished with what they thought they had to do. Selfish? ME? Couldn't be! After all it was me sitting here crying all day long, missing their arms and their stories. Feeling alone and so very wronged I longed for more time with each and every one of them. I had been short changed!
Would my Daddy's be happy with my actions, my frame of mind? Would they look down and say "Look at Judi, she's so strong". Ahhhh NO! At least one of them would have said I was acting like a titty baby!! Another might have mentioned something about a spoiled brat and Matt's words I'm pretty sure would have been "whinny cat". Grandaddy might have let me get away with it!! LOL
So here's the deal. I allowed myself to wallow. I finally had had enough and took my anxiety medicine (gee that is what they are for right?). Made myself get dress and out of the apartment. I did it....I rescued myself! Today I am feeling a little foolish. A little drama queenish if you will. But that was yesterday, and today is a new day.
Ahhhh life IS good! Live it!!!!
I woke up thinking I had it by the tail. I had already written about my father figures and had dealt with so it was all good....WRONG!
Does the term 'abandonment issues' ring a bell? How dare these wonderful men who meant so much to my heart and soul just up and die on ME! And I am reasonably sure they did it just to hurt ME! Let's forget the fact that maybe they weren't quite ready to leave this world, maybe they didn't go out in the fashion they wanted. Maybe they weren't finished with what they thought they had to do. Selfish? ME? Couldn't be! After all it was me sitting here crying all day long, missing their arms and their stories. Feeling alone and so very wronged I longed for more time with each and every one of them. I had been short changed!
Would my Daddy's be happy with my actions, my frame of mind? Would they look down and say "Look at Judi, she's so strong". Ahhhh NO! At least one of them would have said I was acting like a titty baby!! Another might have mentioned something about a spoiled brat and Matt's words I'm pretty sure would have been "whinny cat". Grandaddy might have let me get away with it!! LOL
So here's the deal. I allowed myself to wallow. I finally had had enough and took my anxiety medicine (gee that is what they are for right?). Made myself get dress and out of the apartment. I did it....I rescued myself! Today I am feeling a little foolish. A little drama queenish if you will. But that was yesterday, and today is a new day.
Ahhhh life IS good! Live it!!!!
Sunday, June 17, 2012
Sunday Funnies
Awwww Sunday! That day of rest, of relaxation and family. That day we both love and dread, because Monday isn't far behind.
Sunday's at our house in Texas were always special. Never quite knew what the day was going to be.
Some Sundays I would declare it "don't HAVE to day" meaning just that. Nothing HAD to be done. I didn't HAVE to cook, Matt didn't HAVE to do any honey do jobs, the boys didn't HAVE to clean their rooms. You didn't have to do anything you didn't want to do. Of course that meant you might not eat and you might have no clean dishes and you might run out of gas but hey.....it was worth it.
And I loved "pajama day"! Just lounging around in your jammies all day....ahhhhh, freedom! But if someone happened to drop by...yikes...run before they see you in your favorite, less than flattering attire! Dang company anyhow!!
Breakfast in bed was always a treat and I have to say I was on the receiving end of that deal a few times and it's pretty nice. It was okay that my eggs were hot and my toast cold. Just because I knew how to make everything come out at the same time didn't mean that Matt and boys did...lol.
Those Sunday drives with no particular destination were the BEST! Loved to just get in the car and drive. Seeing the country side, watching nature fly by the open windows. Maybe stopping for a bit to eat or wandering around a local store, watching the people. Taking the kids along when they were younger, leaving them home when they no long found our company inviting.
Sundays are different for me now. I often travel down memory lane while sitting alone in my living room without so much as the TV for company. Sometimes I might browse through photos. On occasion I call family or friends to see what's new with them. If I have "don't have to day" no one knows. "Pajama day" happens any day of the week I don't want to get dressed. Breakfast in bed occurs when I make a bowl of cereal and take it back in my bedroom, lol. And Sunday adventures in the car a thing of the past, a wonderfully sweet memory.
But you know what, I am blessed to have these memories. Blessed to have had those precious times.
It's time to move forward, I have more memories to make and share with my loved ones.
Live is good!! Live it!!!
Sunday's at our house in Texas were always special. Never quite knew what the day was going to be.
Some Sundays I would declare it "don't HAVE to day" meaning just that. Nothing HAD to be done. I didn't HAVE to cook, Matt didn't HAVE to do any honey do jobs, the boys didn't HAVE to clean their rooms. You didn't have to do anything you didn't want to do. Of course that meant you might not eat and you might have no clean dishes and you might run out of gas but hey.....it was worth it.
And I loved "pajama day"! Just lounging around in your jammies all day....ahhhhh, freedom! But if someone happened to drop by...yikes...run before they see you in your favorite, less than flattering attire! Dang company anyhow!!
Breakfast in bed was always a treat and I have to say I was on the receiving end of that deal a few times and it's pretty nice. It was okay that my eggs were hot and my toast cold. Just because I knew how to make everything come out at the same time didn't mean that Matt and boys did...lol.
Those Sunday drives with no particular destination were the BEST! Loved to just get in the car and drive. Seeing the country side, watching nature fly by the open windows. Maybe stopping for a bit to eat or wandering around a local store, watching the people. Taking the kids along when they were younger, leaving them home when they no long found our company inviting.
Sundays are different for me now. I often travel down memory lane while sitting alone in my living room without so much as the TV for company. Sometimes I might browse through photos. On occasion I call family or friends to see what's new with them. If I have "don't have to day" no one knows. "Pajama day" happens any day of the week I don't want to get dressed. Breakfast in bed occurs when I make a bowl of cereal and take it back in my bedroom, lol. And Sunday adventures in the car a thing of the past, a wonderfully sweet memory.
But you know what, I am blessed to have these memories. Blessed to have had those precious times.
It's time to move forward, I have more memories to make and share with my loved ones.
Live is good!! Live it!!!
Saturday, June 16, 2012
Gray Days
At times my days are gray. Looks like today may be one of those, literally and figuratively. Days when nothing tastes as good, nothing smells as sweet and things just feel a bit out of kilter. Why must I have days like this?
I have heard it said that if we didn't have the bad we would not fully recognize the good. Mmmmmm. Okay, that makes a little sense I guess.
What makes a gray day? I find loneliness turns my world colorless in about 3 seconds. I am not always lonely for the same things however. Sometimes I am missing a certain person. Sometimes I long for a place or time and on occasion I am void of a particular feeling that creates a hole in my being.
Today I am jumping ahead of myself in time. I am thinking about tomorrow and the people I no longer have in my life to share Father's Day with. I, who had so many father figures in my life, now have no one to share the day with. But I have forgotten that my memory does indeed serve me well and if I look there I am not alone at all. In June 2009 I wrote something that I want to bring back into my memory: The other day I realized that I am indeed fortunate to have had not just one, but 4 Daddy's in my life. Each one gave of themselves to my legacy. Each one gave me a unique gift. Each one gave me love and hope. Although they are all gone now I possess memories that will forever be shared between them and me. I miss them so, especially on the day we are to honor our Daddy. With this in mind I honor the memory of my wonderful Grandaddy, Charles R Wellborn Sr, for stepping up to the plate to be my Daddy when I was so young. Uncle Gordon, you were so much fun and I love you so. My fantastic step father, DeLane Terral, you were the best, and I miss your stories so much. And to my knight, my father, Charles R Wellborn Jr, I wish I could look up and see you coming across the yard one more time, I miss you Daddy. These men filled the shoes of Daddy. These men are admired and missed. These men, my Daddys, I love you so.
To this I have to add that I am saddened that my boys will not have their Daddy for the day either. I feel their heartbreak, their sadness and it hurts me deeply. I know how much they miss him, how much I miss him and how wrong it all feels. We were indeed blessed to have had him in our lives. He so loved us and we so loved him!
I know sometimes I have to be my own rescuer and pull myself out of my funks. And I also know that sometimes I must wallow. And that is okay as long as I know when enough is enough. I am so grateful that I am at a place today where I have sense enough to reach inside my self and pull out the good memories and not dwell in my loss.
Life is so good!! Live it!!!
I have heard it said that if we didn't have the bad we would not fully recognize the good. Mmmmmm. Okay, that makes a little sense I guess.
What makes a gray day? I find loneliness turns my world colorless in about 3 seconds. I am not always lonely for the same things however. Sometimes I am missing a certain person. Sometimes I long for a place or time and on occasion I am void of a particular feeling that creates a hole in my being.
Today I am jumping ahead of myself in time. I am thinking about tomorrow and the people I no longer have in my life to share Father's Day with. I, who had so many father figures in my life, now have no one to share the day with. But I have forgotten that my memory does indeed serve me well and if I look there I am not alone at all. In June 2009 I wrote something that I want to bring back into my memory: The other day I realized that I am indeed fortunate to have had not just one, but 4 Daddy's in my life. Each one gave of themselves to my legacy. Each one gave me a unique gift. Each one gave me love and hope. Although they are all gone now I possess memories that will forever be shared between them and me. I miss them so, especially on the day we are to honor our Daddy. With this in mind I honor the memory of my wonderful Grandaddy, Charles R Wellborn Sr, for stepping up to the plate to be my Daddy when I was so young. Uncle Gordon, you were so much fun and I love you so. My fantastic step father, DeLane Terral, you were the best, and I miss your stories so much. And to my knight, my father, Charles R Wellborn Jr, I wish I could look up and see you coming across the yard one more time, I miss you Daddy. These men filled the shoes of Daddy. These men are admired and missed. These men, my Daddys, I love you so.
To this I have to add that I am saddened that my boys will not have their Daddy for the day either. I feel their heartbreak, their sadness and it hurts me deeply. I know how much they miss him, how much I miss him and how wrong it all feels. We were indeed blessed to have had him in our lives. He so loved us and we so loved him!
I know sometimes I have to be my own rescuer and pull myself out of my funks. And I also know that sometimes I must wallow. And that is okay as long as I know when enough is enough. I am so grateful that I am at a place today where I have sense enough to reach inside my self and pull out the good memories and not dwell in my loss.
Life is so good!! Live it!!!
Friday, June 15, 2012
So this is Today! And I Love it!
Some days are definitely better than others and today is one of those! I'm certain that all of us have very specific things that make us happy. Not one thing but many things that bring us personal satisfaction and joy. This happiness can come from people, places, things and actions. It can be complicated or quite simple.
Today I got to spend several hours with someone who brings me such happiness and joy. Someone who lights up my world with his smile, especially if I am the one who puts the smile on his lips. I don't get to spend anywhere near as much time with him as I would like so every moment I do have with him is precious.
I am one of those women who absolutely love to do things for her man, I know weird. Few things bring me as much enjoyment as making my special one feel just how special he is to me. If I can prepare him a special meal, give him a relaxing massage or just sit near him as he watches his favorite TV show (even when it bores me half to death) I am in 7th heaven! If I can share a private joke, a secret touch or a passionate kiss I am wildly happy! Laughing with him, having him hold my hand or looking into each other eyes allows me to experience joy beyond measure.
So today was an amazing day for me! I have a man in my life that makes me a little crazy at times (and I probably make him that way too from time to time). There are no guarantees in life and I am well aware of this. So for the time being I am going to let this man hold on to my heart, trusting him not to break it and love him in return.
Once I heard a line in a movie (Steel Magnolias) that said "I would rather have 10 minutes of wonderful than a lifetime of nothing special", and that is what I have right now, someone wonderful and special.
Today I had those moments of laughter, private jokes (broken furniture), holding hands, sharing kisses and looking into each others eyes! Today I am so very very happy!
Life is good! Live it!!
Today I got to spend several hours with someone who brings me such happiness and joy. Someone who lights up my world with his smile, especially if I am the one who puts the smile on his lips. I don't get to spend anywhere near as much time with him as I would like so every moment I do have with him is precious.
I am one of those women who absolutely love to do things for her man, I know weird. Few things bring me as much enjoyment as making my special one feel just how special he is to me. If I can prepare him a special meal, give him a relaxing massage or just sit near him as he watches his favorite TV show (even when it bores me half to death) I am in 7th heaven! If I can share a private joke, a secret touch or a passionate kiss I am wildly happy! Laughing with him, having him hold my hand or looking into each other eyes allows me to experience joy beyond measure.
So today was an amazing day for me! I have a man in my life that makes me a little crazy at times (and I probably make him that way too from time to time). There are no guarantees in life and I am well aware of this. So for the time being I am going to let this man hold on to my heart, trusting him not to break it and love him in return.
Once I heard a line in a movie (Steel Magnolias) that said "I would rather have 10 minutes of wonderful than a lifetime of nothing special", and that is what I have right now, someone wonderful and special.
Today I had those moments of laughter, private jokes (broken furniture), holding hands, sharing kisses and looking into each others eyes! Today I am so very very happy!
Life is good! Live it!!
Thursday, June 14, 2012
Eat the Meat and Spit out the Bones
You have to love your friends and family. After all they love YOU!
No matter where you are or what you are doing well-meaning family and friends are full of advice, and will offer it whether you need it or not. They are trying to look out after your well being in most cases. The biggest problem with this is; there are so many of them!
When I am already confused and unsure too much, or even sometimes "any", advice just compounds my confusion. And some of the suggestions are, let's face it, totally and complete useless!
The trick here is to simply use what you need and ignore what you don't. Don't take it personal, none of the advice and opinions expressed are aimed at hurting your feelings, although it sometimes does. Take it in the spirit given.
It is easy for those not currently walking in your circumstances to clearly see the answers, they think. They will say, "Well if I were you I would do this or that". Are they sure?
I am a "heart" person not a "head" person. Therefore if a "head" person is giving me advice I will seldom understand their way of thinking. And on the same hand they don't have a clue what I'm feeling. But...they love me and want to help.
The whole point here is to allow people to offer what they consider sound advice. Know in you heart that they are only trying to help. Even if it's far out in left field they feel they have shown you how much they care and understand. And sometimes they actually have given you some little tidbit that hits a chord. Some little glimmer of hope to keep you going forward in you journey.
I love my family and friends and wouldn't be where I am today if I didn't have them in my corner rooting me on. I am glad I had a wonderful pastor in my life that gave me the sound advice to eat the meat and spit out the bones. Thank you Pastor Dennis Kingsland for the best advice I ever received.
Life is good! Keep on living it!
No matter where you are or what you are doing well-meaning family and friends are full of advice, and will offer it whether you need it or not. They are trying to look out after your well being in most cases. The biggest problem with this is; there are so many of them!
When I am already confused and unsure too much, or even sometimes "any", advice just compounds my confusion. And some of the suggestions are, let's face it, totally and complete useless!
The trick here is to simply use what you need and ignore what you don't. Don't take it personal, none of the advice and opinions expressed are aimed at hurting your feelings, although it sometimes does. Take it in the spirit given.
It is easy for those not currently walking in your circumstances to clearly see the answers, they think. They will say, "Well if I were you I would do this or that". Are they sure?
I am a "heart" person not a "head" person. Therefore if a "head" person is giving me advice I will seldom understand their way of thinking. And on the same hand they don't have a clue what I'm feeling. But...they love me and want to help.
The whole point here is to allow people to offer what they consider sound advice. Know in you heart that they are only trying to help. Even if it's far out in left field they feel they have shown you how much they care and understand. And sometimes they actually have given you some little tidbit that hits a chord. Some little glimmer of hope to keep you going forward in you journey.
I love my family and friends and wouldn't be where I am today if I didn't have them in my corner rooting me on. I am glad I had a wonderful pastor in my life that gave me the sound advice to eat the meat and spit out the bones. Thank you Pastor Dennis Kingsland for the best advice I ever received.
Life is good! Keep on living it!
Wednesday, June 13, 2012
Little Miracles
If I have learned anything that has taken the 1st place spot in things learned it is that sometimes we have to actually LOOK for something miraculous. The tiny miracles that we take for granted are sometimes invisible.
Night before last I got the news from a dear friend that her little 1 year old niece may have leukemia. I can not imagine how devastated that entire family must be! I went to bed with this on my mind. Yesterday morning when I awoke I had a vague memory of a dream from the night before. As I lay there the dream came back to me; Matthew was playing with a baby... the very same baby I just mentioned. He had cake all over his face! As he leaned into the baby she would try to feed Matthew a piece of cake and he would move his face from side to side smearing more sticky cake frosting on his face. The baby was belly-laughing hysterically! As I mulled this over in my mind a smile came to my lips. I understood what the dream meant.
I got up and went straight to my phone. I sent a simple text to my friend....."Matthew is watching over Brandi". What a wonderful miracle, an unfathomable gift knowing that my dear sweet loving husband is still caring for my loved ones.
Life is good, keep on living it!!!
Night before last I got the news from a dear friend that her little 1 year old niece may have leukemia. I can not imagine how devastated that entire family must be! I went to bed with this on my mind. Yesterday morning when I awoke I had a vague memory of a dream from the night before. As I lay there the dream came back to me; Matthew was playing with a baby... the very same baby I just mentioned. He had cake all over his face! As he leaned into the baby she would try to feed Matthew a piece of cake and he would move his face from side to side smearing more sticky cake frosting on his face. The baby was belly-laughing hysterically! As I mulled this over in my mind a smile came to my lips. I understood what the dream meant.
I got up and went straight to my phone. I sent a simple text to my friend....."Matthew is watching over Brandi". What a wonderful miracle, an unfathomable gift knowing that my dear sweet loving husband is still caring for my loved ones.
Life is good, keep on living it!!!
Tuesday, June 12, 2012
How It Began
Okay..so here I am. Living life alone and learning that it's okay. Never thought I would be living alone. There is a first time for everything I suppose. There are good things about living alone (although I had to really look for good points at first). When I buy something to eat and go back to get it......it's still there!! No one makes a mess for me to clean up.....except ME!! When I can't find something I KNOW it has to be here somewhere cause no one else moved it but.....you got it....ME!
But I am getting ahead of myself. Just how did I end up here, all alone?
Long story short, I was living life, had finally reached the point where all my children were pretty much grown (well they could take care of themselves). My wonderful husband, Matthew, of just under 20 yrs, and I were enjoying a bit of freedom from parenting and starting to spend more time focusing on each other. On evening in January 2010 my life became unrecognizable. My adoring husband suffered a stroke and 4 days later I was a widow. It's all a blur really. A dream that plays over and over in my mind. The outcome is always the same. The pain has lessened but will never be completely absent.
Some how I had to go on, to move forward, to learn to live again. Has it been easy? NO! But I have learned so much and know that my journey is far from over. The joys of life so far outweigh the sorrows.
Take a journey with me, see how funny and inventive life can be. Sometimes when we see things from another person's point of view it makes more sense.
But I am getting ahead of myself. Just how did I end up here, all alone?
Long story short, I was living life, had finally reached the point where all my children were pretty much grown (well they could take care of themselves). My wonderful husband, Matthew, of just under 20 yrs, and I were enjoying a bit of freedom from parenting and starting to spend more time focusing on each other. On evening in January 2010 my life became unrecognizable. My adoring husband suffered a stroke and 4 days later I was a widow. It's all a blur really. A dream that plays over and over in my mind. The outcome is always the same. The pain has lessened but will never be completely absent.
Some how I had to go on, to move forward, to learn to live again. Has it been easy? NO! But I have learned so much and know that my journey is far from over. The joys of life so far outweigh the sorrows.
Take a journey with me, see how funny and inventive life can be. Sometimes when we see things from another person's point of view it makes more sense.
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