Looking For My Last First Kiss

Remember when you gave your best friend a note to give the boy you had a crush on?  The note would say, "Do you like me yes or no, circle your answer".  Remember your mom telling you "he only teases you because he likes you"?  And remember hanging out wherever the boys were in hopes that special boy would notice you?  I am here to tell you things have changed!

I have been trying to utilize the world of online dating sites and what a mess!  In one single day I was stood up, bald-faced lied to (more than once), insulted,  purposed to, for more than marriage, and kept awake all night!

I do believe the days of harmless flirtations, notes, and being in the right place at the right time are gone forever. Men and women troll the internet highways and byways looking for their next conquest with alarming speed.  There is no regard for truth whatsoever.  There is nothing personal or even human in the search.  

I have a friend that is out on a turkey shoot.  This morning he sent me a text saying the weather is great  the turkeys are not cooperating though.  I sent one back that said "LOL...ummmmm can't say as I blame them, shall I crawl out of my nice warm bed and run around in circles outside so some guy can shoot me or shall I stay put?"  That brought to mind my dating site fiasco!  It's kind of like a turkey shoot.

What possessed me to go onto this site, write an ad for myself, try to sell myself to total strangers and expect different results?  And to top it all off, why do I get so upset when it doesn't work?  They are strangers!!!!  They don't give a shit!  They don't know me nor do the want to.  They want to get their dicks wet.  They want to put another notch on their cyber headboards.

And the older they are, they worse they are.  All of a sudden these middle aged, and older, men think they are god's gift to women.  They think they are sexy beyond belief and can give her the world both in bed and out.  Really?  Get a grip guys and look in the mirror.  That "athletic" body you have...ummm  not so much.  Those hot,sexy eyes on your face, look again, they are a little crossed and saggy.  And when you can't write a sentence using proper English...well let me tell you....that's does NOT impress me much even though you claim to have a PHD.

The profiles that say "looking for a relationship" are a laugh.  They are looking for "relations" only.  Preferable with NO strings.  They make up a screen name with some sexual tones to it like; MakeUscream69 and that is supposed to get your attention and lure you into their bed for some love and respect.  They may say, "financially secure man seeks stable woman" really means, "I might have a couple of bucks, which I won't be spending on you, let's have a roll in the hay they grab your stuff and be on your way."  No involvement, to commitment, nothing personal.  

One guy that I was chatting with (can't say talking, they all want to "chat") said he thought we should meet.  I agreed that that might be fun.  When he asked me when I was free and I replied that my calender was pretty open and went on to explain how I had too much free time, blah, blah, blah the conversation totally changed.  When I tried to put a person into the conversation, rather that a piece of ass he suddenly was no longer interested.  Suddenly he had to get off line as he had to work early.  The pursuit ended and I pretended to leave,  only to watch as 2 1/2 hours later Mr Had To Go To Work was still working the site for a quick dick fix.  

Nameless people playing games.  It's not about getting to know someone, exchanging phone numbers, going out on a date to learn more about them.  It's not about becoming attracted to each other and wanting to be together.  It's about how quickly can I get this person to bed.  They don't even care if they like you as long as you give out the goods.

I made a date with a guy a couple of weeks ago to meet over breakfast.  He said he would come to me and we made plans to meet at a local cafe.  The afternoon before our meeting he sent me a message, via the site we met on, saying his mom had taken a turn for the worse and he needed to be there.  I sent back my regards and told him of course I understood.  A week later he drops me another message asking if I would care to try meeting for breakfast again.  Friday, same time same place.  I again agreed and gave him my phone number in case something came up..lol.  The appointed time came on Friday and I went to the cafe.  Couldn't find the guy.  It's car show weekend and the place was full of strange guys, it was creepy! I went back outside and waited, 15 minutes later I got in my truck and came home.  No message from the guy, no call, no nothing.  I left him a message, like a fool, giving him the benefit of the doubt, telling him I hope everything is okay.  No I don't...I hope he bites his damn tongue off!  Anyway I have heard NOTHING from him.  And I let this bother me?  LOL.

The thing is, so many of us would rather go through this humiliation and take a risk with some pretty questionable people than be alone.  Some of us have that need to have someone in our life so badly that we turn to stupid websites because we don't know where else to turn.  When we should be out interacting with real people we are sitting on computers trying to FIND real people.  Hiding behind the screen we can be, and so can they,whoever we want or perceive ourselves to be.  There is NOTHING real about that.  And when the people you are trying to be real with are not and probably believe you are not either where could it possibly go?

I want a real life, I want a real relationship with a real man.  Time I get real and do something about it!  It is MY life after all, there is no easy fix for loneliness, there is not easy answer in figuring out where HE might be.  I am not giving up the search, but I am giving up the means. No more profile saying "Looking For My Last First Kiss".  I'm living my life, my way.

Neglected,Rejected and Defective

It is amazing to me how down on myself I can truly get!  Unworthy, unloved, and inconsolable.  When I think it through I recognize the source, but usually not until the damage is done.  It stops now..I am putting it out there...I am in control.

Not long ago in a therapy session I was relating to my therapist how, as a child, I was sent to live with various relatives by well meaning parental figures.  That's confusing isn't it?  My parents divorced when I was young, my daddy gained custody of me.  He was in the military, therefore living with him was not an option, as he spend tours of duty at sea.  I was placed with my paternal grandparents.  A big responsibility for an older couple who had already raised their own children.  When my daddy remarried I was reunited with him but things were not good between me and his new wife.  So back I went.  I think it was discussed that I might be better off with an aunt and uncle and maybe even I spent some time with them and that also failed.  Next came another aunt and uncle and at one point they were going to adopt me.  After a couple of years that too came to an abrupt end.  Again I went to live with Daddy and again, I was sent packing back my grandparents.  That was when I started feeling defective.  Everyone gave me back!

When I was 12 it was decided that it would be in my best interest to send me to my mother.  I had NO memory of my mother, prior to a visit with her the year before.  I was told that I would go "visit" with my mother and her family for the summer.  However when the summer ended I was told that the arrangement would be permanent.  Yes, that was when the rejected part came into play.

I only lived with my mother for 4 years.  I formed a bond with my siblings but truly never had a mother-daughter relationship with my mother.  I have come to terms with that and am really okay with it.  We made our peace and I can say with all honesty I love my mother and I miss her, and I wish things had been different but I am happy for what I had.  We all did the best we knew how. 

When I left my mother's home I went to live with my maternal grandparents.  Yes, I bounced around a bit!  I had a freedom with them that I had never experienced and was  much like a kid in a candy store.  I spread my wings and thought I could fly.  By today's standards I was not a bad kid, in fact I think I managed pretty well.  Then I fell in "love".  I met my first husband when I was 14 through a mutual friend. Started dating him when I was 16 and married him when I was 17!  Twenty plus years and 2 beautiful children later he left me for another woman proving how neglected, rejected and defective I really was!!

Somehow I survived that nightmare, that's what it felt like to me, and Matthew came into my life, in a very unusual way.  He shared a house with my daughter, her husband and another friend.  He became my friend, helped me get through the roughest times I had ever faced and he eventually stole my heart. 

I'll not pretend we had a perfect marriage, even though in hindsight it appears that way, but he was always there for me, even when I didn't deserve his understanding and compassion.  We were at the point where we were looking forward to growing old together and having adventures on our own.  Our youngest was a senior in high school, our nest would soon be empty and we truly enjoyed being together and were still very much "in love".  I was no longer neglected, rejected or defective! I was well taken care of, loved, happy and whole.

In the blink of eye it all went terribly wrong.  He was gone before the realization of the situation hit home.  I was alone, without my love, with no idea where home was, with not much desire to live.  How would I survive this?  Neglected, rejected, dejected and defective once again.

I can't tell you how many times I have wanted to give up.  How many times I have begged the powers that be to take me from this world.  How many times I have thrown my hands up in despair saying "I am DONE!"

I wish I could tell you that I never feel neglected, rejected, dejected, and defective even under the silliest and slightest of circumstances.  But when I look at the enormity of circumstances that I have been through, is there anything today going on in my life that is so awful?

Yes I get lonely, but if I pull my head together and reach out I don't have to be.  Yes I sometimes feel neglected, but that is usually because I have isolated myself once again.  Rejected, perhaps by some, but those who have rejected me hold no power over me. And as for defective, I certainly am NOT!!

It is the wee hours of the morning that I am writing this.  I woke from a sound sleep with those 3 words ringing in my mind.  A sign that I needed to deal with them, now, this moment.  I had to put them in prospective to clear my mind.  I am not longer helpless.  I am strong, I am alive and I am well.  And I will fight these feelings with everything I have!!  I am loved, I am accepted by those that matter and I am ME, Judi, Mother, Grandmother, Sister, friend, lover and a good person.  It's my life......I am living it.....freeing myself of the these 3 words!!

Imperfections

It's been a while since I posted.  The reason being I don't know where to begin.  I don't know where I am, what I am doing, what I want or where I want to be.

Frustrated, lost, anger, resentment, restless, nothingness, deprived, alone, and defective.  Words describing what I have been feeling lately.  A far cry from the words I wish for to describe my life.  Circles, I have been moving in circles, thinking I was moving forward each day, only to realize I have gotten nowhere.  

To be fair to myself, I have made some positive changes.  I have taken control over my health.  I have been eating much much better, lost some weight and put exercise into my plan.  So outwardly I have something positive to show.  But on the inside ....sigh.

I have grown impatient with many people around me. Almost cynical with some people who make promises I know they will not keep.  Even little things make me doubt their definition of being a friend or even a concerned acquaintance.  I have become short with people I love and care about.  I seem to have lost that edge I have always had of pointing out negatives in a positive way.  I am hurting and don't care if I step on toes.  I feel neglected and resentful.  I think I am reaching out but obviously (to me) no one sees that.  I'm tired.  Tired of trying to balance.  I am angry with circumstances that I have no control over and wondering how the hell to care without over spending emotionally.

As in my blog referencing life being a checking account I am overdrawn!!!  I am in the red!!  I don't know how to earn deposits to get back into the black!!  I find myself making decisions that I am unable to keep.  I see myself seeking change that I cannot seem to implement. My thoughts have a life of their own, not knowing when to shut off!  

Yes I am an emotional mess right now.  Just when I thought it safe to let myself be happy and at peace I have lost my ever-loving mind!  Not any one thing, not any one piece of the puzzle causing all this inner chaos.  Many fragments, many little aggravations, many little disappointments coming together to loom as failure to my quest for happiness and peace.

Then I wonder; Am I one of these little aggravations to someone who loves and cares about me?  Just one of the many they may be experiencing?  Am I taking more than I am giving in return?  Am I making promises I am not keeping?  The answer is probably I am.  Am I doing it on purpose?  The answer is NO!  Therefore, are my friends and family letting me down on purpose?  NO!  Do they even realize they are?  NO!  

Time to put my big girl panties on and stop being the guest of honor at my own pity-party and put it into perspective.  I and I alone make my own choices.  I and I alone am responsible for those choices.  And I and I alone read the actions of those around me.  If I expect more than I am getting from someone I am setting myself up.  I have to accept the fact, that just like myself, people mean well when they make promises and tell you they are there for you.  Then life happens and you are not a priority.  Get the hell over it Judi and be your own best friend.  Be there for yourself!  Make the most of every situation.  Put on your Matthew glasses and see the BEST in everyone and don't take it personal when people disappoint you.

Wow...this is so not what I intended this blog to be when I began!!  It never ceases to amaze me what comes out when I sit down to write.  Cleansing of the soul often.  Airing out the cobwebs.  Looking into the mirror and seeing a bit clearer what others might see.

I am glad to have this chance to open the windows of my mind from time to time.  Even when it sounds crazy and makes little sense to many, it may help someone to realize that some of the things in there life aren't as bad as they think either.

After all, I woke up this morning and have made it all the way to late morning.  I have not exploded into nothingness and still have things to look forward to, even if not my fantasy life.  I have family and friends who love me, even if they are not perfect.  I see life for what it is....an imperfect opportunity to live, learn, laugh, and love.  It is what it is and can only be changed by ME.  It is my imperfect life, it will NEVER be perfect, but I experience many perfect moments!!!  I will live for these moments...it's my life and today I will live it!!!