I've tried and tried to find happiness and fulfillment only to find myself tired, unhappy and empty.
What am I doing wrong? The bigger question in my heart and mind right now is; What am I doing right?
Seems to me if I were doing what's right my life would be in much better shape.
All goes back to choices I guess. What became of those choices I made?
I dumped my married lover, which hasn't worked out so well. Put myself out into the dating world, which is a whole story in itself. Allowed people to hurt me with their opinions and words, must love the pain. Threw several pity parties, where I was the only guest. I continue to isolate myself most of the time, and wonder why I am so sick and tired of my life, which is pretty much nonexistent.
So let me see what I can do about all this. My lover is still in my life, wasn't strong enough to end it once and for all. His space is not as big as it once was and is getting smaller each and every day that I have no contact with him. Even after I see him it is not as devastating when he leaves and I don't hear from him for days at a time. Actually I feel kind of sorry for him. But that's not my problem to deal with. I need to deal with ME. This free space has provided me with the opportunity to get back out there and find the man for me. So what I did wrong in this choice was allow him to stay in my life. What I did right was put it in better perspective. I told him I was going to start seeing other people and I have.
Thus I entered back into the dating game, and "game" it is. I don't know why I, after all I am an intelligent woman, am so stupid when it comes to these ridiculous dating sites. Just because I try to be truthful and open, I somehow forget that not all people are the same. Did you know there are men on these sites that actually say they are looking for a relationship and in fact are only looking for a booty call? Did you know they will lie to you and represent themselves to be something they totally are NOT? Am I aware that this goes on? YES!! But do I get sucked in? YES!! What the hell am I thinking? I think I'm taking it slow and easy and watching for red flags. I back off and push the delete button when things feel out of whack. I love the power of "poof" be gone when deleting a contact who has shown his true colors. But they still sneak in. Mindless, apparently having no conscience whatsoever, men who prey on lonely, trusting women. Even after spending hours, days and weeks conversing, first online, then texting and finally phone calls when you finally meet, you still have NO clue who they are!! It's easy at first to weed out the booty call men. The screw it up pretty quickly by asking 3 minutes into the conversation, "what are you wearing?" Or "what's your favorite position?" For doing what? Are you kidding me? "Poof"...be gone. Awww that feeling of power for that brief moment! Then you get the ones that last a little bit longer. They will talk to you about your job and where you have lived. Ask about your children and your day and even the weather. Then it comes, "So you want to meet at your place and watch a movie?" No you cheap ass, take me on a date, out in public where I don't have to wrestle with you on the couch for my virtue!! Well that's what goes through my head at least. But because I didn't say that they continue putting their foot in their mouths by saying something like, "bet you are a great kisser and did I tell you I love boobs?" Yeah like I am gonna ask you over. That's the ones you quit taking calls from and hide the fact that you still have an account. Something else that works on scaring them away is to say something like, "you sound like my next husband!" Then they block you and change their number. But occasionally you find one that you intuition, hours of conversation and curiosity leads you to believe could genuinely be a nice guy who maybe really is looking for a relationship. These are ones too that usually like you and you feel very little for them (but again that's another chapter). So you meet up. And maybe it's good and maybe not so good and maybe just okay. And that's where my problem is!! No matter which way it goes I ALWAYS feel responsible for any negative things. If it goes good and we both seem to enjoy it I always seem to have wishes like; I wish he were taller, I wish he kissed better, I wish he would have held my hand, etc. And if I have enjoyed and think he did to and he doesn't get back to me in short order, it's like what did I do or didn't I do? He doesn't like me, why? When it's like the date from hell that will never end I just hang in there. What for? I know it's not going anywhere but I don't want to hurt this guys feelings, even though he has lied about everything, including his name and the ugly truth is staring me right in the face, literally, yet I play nice. No wonder I am so frustrated!! Yup I'm still waiting for that knight in shiny armor to sweep me off my feet and rescue me from my "oh poor me, how I've suffered, no one will ever love me again life"...I am so angry with myself!!! Come on old girl....just how desperate are you?? So what I do wrong has got to be trusting the wrong people and not being more selective (although I thought I was) in who I date. I know there has to be a better way to meet people, but I don't know how. So what did I do right? I don't see a single thing I did right. Oh wait...yes I do...I don't give away free samples....LOL!!
Well after the tirade of the "dating games" I'm too tired to get into the other areas, so will save them for another time. I'm going to keep believing there is a sensitive, loving, caring may who is not perfect but perfect for me just out of my sight and that one day he will move close enough for us to catch a glimpse of each other and we will clasp our hands together to lead each other into the sunset. This is my life, my adventure and I will continue to live it my way and embellish it with my fantasy ending. Keep loving who you love and fighting for your dreams and hold on tight to all that's precious to you.
