I am very glad that it says ALMOST everything. While I find that time lessens the frequency and depth of pain it does not heal it in all cases. Some moments the wound hurts every bit as badly as it did at the time of the event that cased the wound.
Speaking for myself, and only myself, I know the pain I feel regarding the loss of my husband will never completely heal. There was a time I thought I absolutely could not go on without Matthew. My one desire was for him to come, take me by my hand and take me with him. I thought my life was over and that I could not possibly ever feel life was worth living again. Once in a while I do admit I fall back into that mode of thinking. When things are rough and I am feeling alone and vulnerable I tend to gravitate back into that thought pattern.
I think we must give ourselves credit for how far we come to overcome some things in our lives. I often fail to recognize how far I have come. When I get swallowed up in a pity abyss I feel like I have failed completely. I have to stop a moment and think back at how long it has been since I wallowed in this pit. I think back to how I used to spend days, weeks and even months anguished and non-functional. I would take to me bed for days on end, shutting out everyone and everything. I would respond to invitations saying I would come and then at the last minute I just couldn't get myself together enough to attend. My grief ruled my life. My tears were ever present. My loss swallowed every ounce of joy I had and left me empty, hopeless and alone with my misery.
I made some really bad choices during this time. Sought comfort in people and things that brought no comfort. Tried to hide my feelings and disguise my pain. Made several feeble attempts to stop it all by attempting suicide. Never ever thinking I could heal. Never daring to dream that my heart could get over my loss. Feeling guilty that I was still here, that my heart was still beating and that I could smile once in a while.
Looking back it was a long road, a tumultuous road. Thinking farther back there were other roads that were rough and filled with pitfalls that I though I would never heal from. Nothing as major as losing my spouse, but at the time traumatic and life changing. Most of those have healed, a few have left scars and others are lost to my mind forever. I have moments of remembrances of some events that may make me twinge for a brief moment. But the pain is no longer there. And when memories of Matthew and losing him hit me I let them flood my mind and my heart and wash away some of the pain. I was so blessed to have had him in my life. Those blessings will NEVER go away. The pain I feel is a reminder of that. I would't ever want that to completely heal. Given time it has eased and lessened. That too is a blessing.
Remember, that what is behind us is behind us...but never forget the things behind us made us what we are today.
I feel the healing going on. I'm living life like I am healed. I'm making better choices and I'm proud of that. Give it time my friends...living life my way and loving it....
