I am to the point where I seriously don't know what is up with me! I have been doing the Atkins Diet and doing well. Yesterday I had my Seeking Safety group and we talked about having understanding and empathy for ourselves. We talked about food dependency and abuse and I was proud to comment positively about my tactics over the last week.
WELLLLLLLLL....for some reason, totally unknown by me I lost my every-loving mind when I got home!!!!!
Do you every do things, hating what you are doing the whole time you are doing it? I was cursing myself the entire time, yet I continued on.....WHY????
So now you are wondering what the hell did she do? Sigh, I am embarrassed to tell you but I have to get it out......so here goes.
When I got home I decided I was hungry. I had eaten 2 boiled eggs and drank an Atkins shake before I went to group. So I warmed up some squash from the day before and cut some pork tenderloin that I had had a couple of days ago...all perfectly fine. BUT...I was craving those good awful carbs...yes I am a carb-aholic!! Sooooooo I made a bag of microwave popcorn....sigh...but....I didn't stop there....all of a sudden I couldn't live without chinese food!!!!
Yep really.....I got in the car drove to the local chinese fast food place and ordered a $5 lunch deal and a side of crab ragoon!!!!! This lunch special comes with a soda too!! I get back home....I fix a heaping plate, grab my soda and head to the living room. Not even the table...really Judi???
The whole time I am cursing myself, questioning my motives while chowing down the food. AFTER I was done I realized the soda wasn't even diet (I always have diet soda)! WTF???
I must admit I was physically and emotionally ill when I finished! How can I do something that makes me so miserable? Am I punishing myself in some way for my short coming? Sabotage comes to mind. Why would I do that to myself?
Well, it's not the end of the world, I am back on track today, hate to think of the damage I did.
Even with all that today is another day, life is good!!!!! Another chance to get it right! Living for today!!!!
