My Thoughts On Forgiveness vs Forgetting

Sometimes my thoughts are so jumbled...lol  Some make no sense and some just keep spinning 'round and 'round. I have found that often if I am dwelling on something, trying to make sense of it or digest it or rid my mind of the clutter of it if I write about it I can settle it in my head.

Today I find myself thinking about forgiveness...In my mind there is a thin line between forgiving and forgetting. I forgive readily, I don't forget so easily. I don't leave myself open to the thing that I forgave again if I can help it. Recently I had a conversation with someone who said to me "how can you except God to forgive you if you don't practice to forgive?" Yikes...wrong thing to say to me, but it has festered in my thoughts for some time now. I told this person to hold up, don't even go there with me....and shut myself off from him almost immediately. My spirituality is mine to deal with and NO one else's. So we won't venture there at this point. This is what I've figured out....If someone hurts me, or someone I hold dear in my heart, I back away. I know that we all handle pressures, stressors and life's circumstances differently. I work very hard on trying not to judge. And if I'm hurt or someone I love is hurt by a particular person I may or may not have something to forgive. At any rate I simply remove myself from the situation. If I had something to forgive I forgive under the heading of "That's who they are and they probably have not idea what they've done or how to fix it." But.....I do not chose to participate in their drama or repeat the same drama over and over again. If you know someone stuck in a pattern of bad choices or bad behavior get the hell out!!! I have been around long enough in dysfunctional life styles that I know I cannot fix this person or even help them in a constructive way so why bring the pain to my own doorstep? No I have not lost my compassion or objectivity, I have learned my limitations. I lose enough sleep over my own bad choices or insensitivities, I certainly don't need to borrow someone else's drama! I look at certain events in my past and wonder why I spent so much time agonizing over people and circumstances that I had and never will have any control over. I can still love someone and wish them all the luck in the world and not become involved in their drama. I have forgiven what needs to be forgiven but I have not and probably will not forget. I am smart enough not to be indebted to finding myself sucked into their chaos. Just because you love someone does not mean you have to be condoning of their misery and certainly don't have to be a part of it. We are all individuals who make choices and take different paths. I am responsible for the road I travel and I accept that. I listen and learn when I chose just like everyone else. I have tried to help people that chose not to be helped. Does that mean I have to continue to try to help them, no it does not. If I can live with the fact that I have no control over them and their choices they will have to accept that. I will not beat my head or my heart against a brick wall any longer.  It is true that when someone I love hurts I hurt for them. But if that person keeps making the same mistakes and has used my compassion up with bad choices and lies and disrespect it is time for me to step back and draw a line for my own self preservation and peace. It may seem selfish to some but to me it is a matter of taking care of myself. I've given and given and given over the years trying to make peace for everyone and worried when I know the people I was worried about never gave thought to my concern. I'm simply done. Time for my life to be peaceful even if some people think me wrong. After all it is my life and it's none of my business what others think! There comes a time when we all must carry our own burdens, and if we burn all of our bridges we have to carry them alone. There are many times when I struggle to carry my own and I know I have burned some bridges and it's okay because I'm stronger than I have ever been. It's truly my life and I'm living it to the best of my ability and enjoying it as I go. If I make mistakes I forgive myself, learn from them and keep on moving forward.

I Don't Know

I don't seem to know much these days. I find myself frustrated with life, with people, with myself and am not even certain why? Health wise I am great, I am eating healthy and losing weight but don't seem to be too motivated to workout or even walk like I used to. I find myself spending most of my time alone, going out alone and actually enjoying it. I have no patience for drama or those who bring it. I feel like I am fed up with the status quo. 

I know I have made a lot of changes in my life, some are good, but perhaps others are not. I can't explain myself. I know I need, or at least want, to make some changes, I know I want certain things to happen in my life, I just am not sure what to do to implement these changes. 

I feel I know myself better now than I ever have and I'm puzzled by some of the things I have discovered about myself. I don't know if I've evolved or have simply been hiding some truths about myself so well I didn't even know them. Paradigm shifts have taken place that I never saw coming. 

This thing called "life" is so complicated. I know I tend to overthink things at times. I know other times I don't think. I want to hit that happy medium and be more confident in my decisions.  

I need to balance my wants and my needs. They are, after all, 2 entirely different things. I of course, like everyone else, would like my needs to be met. I would like my wants to be realistic and achievable. 

I again must remind myself that I can control only myself, and sometimes that is a challenge. I need to stop setting myself up for failure. I need to surround myself with positive and walk away from negative. I need to be kind and caring without being used and taken for granted. I need to take risks to discover my own happiness.

My own company is getting better. My reasoning is taking on new dimensions, allowing my to see more than one scenario before me. I have found that I have enough empathy to be able to put myself in another's shoes and for the first time see why they don't see things my way. My way is not always the only way or the right way, something I have always said but maybe didn't fully believe? Is compromise something that I need to work on? Where is the line between compromise and giving in to the point where one feels used, abused or fooled?

Well, what I do know today is the sun is shining. It's bitter cold outside, but here inside with my little granddaughter who never ceases to make me smile and gives me unconditional trust and love, it's warm and comfortable. And for today that's all I need. I can't solve all my issues and change in one day. I am a work in progress. I am who I am and if I change or evolve I will still be me, have my heart, feel my feelings and move forward, even if just an inch at a time. 

I'm up for the challenge. I accept my journey, I will continue to learn, to change and to live my life. I am my partner for life and need to be comfortable in my own skin. This is my life, I'm doing in my way and I'll not give up until I get it right!   

Made It Through....Never A Doubt

Okay, it's February 1st and once again I've made it through. This one was tougher than I remember last year being, I'm puzzled by that, why? Am I fearful that my memories are fading, am I saddened because I continue to move forward with my life, and do I feel guilty? Am I betraying Matthew? 

Beginning with Thanksgiving each year Matthew is in my thoughts and on my heart constantly. He LOVED Thanksgiving and it was a major production in our home, many times inviting anyone and everyone who had no place to go for Thanksgiving dinner. We had a full house plus most of the time and he wouldn't have had it any other way. Christmas was MY thing and he indulged me. He knew my traditions were set in stone and as new ideas popped into my head he allowed me to run the show. He humored my Santa belief and made sure my expectations were met. He loved to give and give he did. Then came his birthday on January 8th. He was proud to share his birthday with the late great Elvis Presley. He used to tell people his birthday was the same as Elvis! Usually his birthday was very uneventful as we were nursing our budget from Christmas. Thankfully that last birthday I had managed to save a few bucks and we were able to have a weekend get away, just the two of us. I am so grateful to have that memory. The worst date is January 31st. The day Matthew departed from this world. Every moment of that morning is etched in my brain. That helpless feeling. The panic when he drew his last breath. The emptiness as I was lead from his room. The overwhelming feeling of loneliness when 3 days later I returned to what was once our home. Looking at the pain in my children's faces tortured my heart. How would we survive? How could we go on without the heart of our family?

The first year was the worst. Everything brought memories and pain. Songs, holidays, TV shows, movies, weather, foods, you name it it hurt. Bouts of pure despair were constant. Leaving Texas was painful yet healing. Returning to WI was painful, yet I felt closer to Matthew and more at home. As the years have passed I have found peace more often than not. Yet that time period from Thanksgiving through January 31st is rough. So when I get through it and allow myself to take that deep cleansing breath on February 1st I am pretty proud that I made it! I wonder if I am punishing myself to so extent. I know Matthew would not want that. I know he wants me to live a full happy life and I can do that and still honor him, remember him and love him. My memories are not fading, how can they, I hold them near and dear to my heart. I am moving on with my life because that is meant to be, no going back, no staying in one place. As for guilt, I have no reason to feel guilty. I am not betraying Matthew, I am continuing my life exactly as I should, exactly as he would want me to do.

Yes I made it through and I will continue to make it through no doubt. I made a promise to myself a while back to take control of my life and live it my way. I've made some concessions and may need to rethink a few things but I have no doubt that my life is and will continue to be good and fulfilling. After all it is MY life and I am doing it MY way.