Every book has a beginning, a middle and an end. Every life has a beginning, a middle and an end. And in the long run every relationship has a beginning, a middle and an end.
I was lying in bed this morning, my mind lounging about trying to grasp a thought for the day. And I thought; if I were to write a book about my life, I wonder how many chapters it would have and what the names of the chapters would be? (I have to tell you I came up with this idea while thinking back to defining terms, my mind does change gears rather suddenly). So let's go with that for a moment.
For some reason I thought of 8 chapters right off the bat. Why? I have NO clue. I guess that just sounded like a good number.
The first chapter would oddly enough be called The Beginning. Nice and simple. It would contain what I call "repeated" information. You know, things you have been told went on in your early life. When I was born, what I weighed, because I assure you I wouldn't tell you what I weigh now! Where I lived, what I like and didn't like as a baby. Funny stories of how cute and precocious I was would certainly be included. And the whispers of the past, the divorce between my father and mother and him getting custody of me would never go away.
The second chapter could be titled Where Do I Belong? Or Finding My Place. This chapter would tell the story of me as a little girl being sent to live with various relatives in different places while the adults involved tried to decide where the best place was for me to live. No one ever bothered to ask me where I wanted to be, who I wanted to live with. You know what I got out of this chapter? Where the hell do I belong and why does everyone keep trading me off? I felt like a defective child, these words actually came out of my mouth at a therapy session not too long ago.
Next would come the chapter that might be called The Home Of My Dreams? It would start off with my being sent to live with my "real" mother, at the age of 12, having very little if any recollection of her other that meeting her and her family a mere year and half before being sent there. I can tell you that was a culture shock. Her world was extremely different than any previous place I had called home. How would it turn out? No one would know.
The fourth chapter would perhaps begin with, With all the new people in her life, Judi found herself losing her old life, her old family, and was never whole again. I say this because once I went to my mother's house and became a part of her family the bond I had with my father's family seemed to dissolve and eventual disappear. Years later I was known to say, "I don't feel a part of either side of my family". Sometimes that haunts me to this day.
Chapter four, Looking For Love In All The Wrong Places. Sounds kind of like a country song doesn't it? It would be funny if it weren't so true. I wanted someone to love me, to accept me and to keep me. Any young man who told me he loved me I believed wholeheartedly! Why would they lie? Boy was I naive. I had turned into a real people-pleaser. I remembered what I had been taught and tried to be sweet and nice to everyone. Armed with that and the strong desire to be wanted I began to search for someone to love me and need me. What a journey!
As chapter 5 begins you would see me meet my "real" true love. Watch as I went through the dating ritual, the much too young for sex phase, and the marriage at 17 after running away to live with yet another family member. You could read how I muddled my way through the early years of marriage, thinking I was so well equipped for this. Be with me as I marvel at the birth of my beautiful daughter and later my fabulous son. Travel with me the entire time while I lived and learned during my almost 23 year marriage. This chapter would be entitled, Heaven To Hell.
Chapter 6 The Road Back, Hell to Heaven. This chapter would be filled with the horror of not only losing another relationship but the hope of building another that would be forever. The proverbial rags to riches to rags back to riches story. While the end of my marriage was hell, I found heaven in a man that was not only kind and generous, but also strong enough to endure my emotional baggage. He knew I came with an enormous amount of excess baggage and he helped me unpack it!
As we enter into chapter 7, named This IS Forever, I am hopeful and happy. I know that I know this love is forever, this relationship will endure the ages. This is my forever love and my forever life. My forever family! You will meet Matthew and join us in welcoming our sons. You will go through the struggles with us of lost jobs, making a new life clear across the county. Cry with us when we leave our beloved Wisconsin for Texas. You will be privy to our strengthening as a couple as our sons edge ever closer to adulthood, the time for US.
Perhaps Chapter 8, the saddest chapter of all, will be entitled, The End Of My Dream. They say life comes full circle, I believe that is so true. For when I lost my precious husband Matthew, I found my self starting to wonder where I belonged now. Who did I belong with, where was home? Lost, confused and ever so lonely. Accepting his death was the hardest thing I have ever had to come to terms with.
But, my book cannot end just yet. There will have to be more chapters. Why? Because I am still living. I have life yet to live. I will love and be loved again. Because life IS good....Live it and finish my book, that is where I am today.....I am in love, I face this love with timidation but hope, with fear, but with faith. I have no idea what tomorrow with bring, but none of us do. I love where I am today, I will love for today, and I will live for today.....NOT the end
