That old saying "Today is the first day of the rest of your life" somehow has a deeper meaning for me right now. I want to grab life, shake it up and "LIVE"! I am tired of letting life "happen". I want to MAKE it happen! I want to find enjoyment, kick my heels up and live, love and laugh until I just can't do it anymore!! I'm tired of sitting still! Tired of being in one place and always wanting more! I have put myself on the back burner for a long time, it's time to make myself my priority! Not sure I know how to do that.
I never thought of myself as a selfish person and worked hard not to be. Why? People love and care about me but I have to face that fact that I am no ones priority. When I sacrifice I do so of my own accord and am usually okay with it. Who sacrifices for me? Who puts me first? Guess I am feeling pretty selfish or at least self-centered today. But that's okay. I do understand that people have families, significant others, jobs and other of life's demands to focus on instead of me. I don't expect the world to stop because I'm feeling lonely, or down or anxious, although I admit it would be nice once in a while. I know that only I can be there for me 100% of the time. I'm not very good at it.
Where in the hell am I going with all this? LOL I wish I knew. I feel like something is missing and I don't know how to find it because I don't know what it is! It's as if I am blindfolded in some desolate place looking for something, and I don't where I am or what I'm searching for. Stumbling along blindly, bumping into obstacles, stubbing my toes, falling down, reaching out to the unknown. You see I've lost my rose colored glasses and when subjected to the harsh realities I close my eyes. But, I've not given up. I just need to determine the direction I want to move in and get off my ass and move!
Why do I allow myself to feel like I am intruding on other peoples lives? Like I don't belong there? Why do I feel so insignificant? What do I expect people to do? Why is it so hard for me to tell people what I need from them? Why must I need anything for anyone? Why can't I be self-validating?
I come up with these grand plans in my head to be more self sufficient only to find myself craving attention, company, validation from others, at which point I simply withdraw. Why do I feel so needy? People tell my how strong I am. I don't always feel strong. I don't always want to be strong. I don't want to always make my own decisions, I don't always want to be in charge of my life. But I know I have to be. It's a very difficult transition to go from being a wife and having a family to being a single...a one....alone! I hate it! I hate not having someone to care for. I hate sleeping alone. I hate being the fifth wheel. I hate the tears.
So I find myself feeling alone, lonely, detached, insignificant and wanting. I am in love with a man who I'm not sure is up to dealing with my needs. I need to figure this out. I need to deal with it head on. I need to put my life in order to please ME, meet MY needs and live the way I want to live. It is my life, do I want to live it my way and enjoy it my way or am I going to continue to wallow and be used and walk around blind?
Looks like I have laid some challenges before me.
