That is rule one in the seven cardinal rules of life. In my search for peace, understanding and acceptance of myself I ran across these rules and they spoke to me. I have decided to explore each one as it pertains to me, to dissect it and apply it to my life.
My past. When I am happy I remember lots of good things in my past. When I am sad my memory is filled with pain and sadness. I suppose it would be superfluous to make peace with the good things as those memories bring joy even in sad times. Obviously I have to make peace with the not so good things in my past.
It is hard to erase negative, a lot of it I believe I have dealt with and made peace with. I believe I have made peace with the actions that were hurtful and painful but not sure I have completely forgiven the people or circumstances behind the actions. It is hard to forgive what you don't understand.
I do know that the people who directed my young life did the best they knew how. They were ill equipped to make decisions regarding my future. They did what they thought best. I need to grasp that concept and discard the feelings of inadequacy that plague me even to this day that I just wasn't good enough to be permanently a part of one family. It had absolutely nothing to do with me as a person. I now believe that, except when I am feeling low, then it grabs me and gives me a good shake. Now that I have knowledge I must use that knowledge to guard my well being. Now when I feel the tentacles of inadequacy from my childhood trying to wrap around my thoughts I will ward them off with thoughts of how I learned to show love and make a safe, loving, caring, nurturing home for my children and how, like any parent, I made the best of every situation to do what was best for them. That part of my past no longer has power over me.
Now onto my 1st marriage. Going into my marriage I was sure that I would be the best wife ever! I wanted nothing more than the happy home, hubby and kiddos. Where things went wrong I'm not sure, nor does it matter at this point. I need to put into perspective why I chose for so many years to blame myself. I never chose to be abused, verbally or physically. I never asked for it. I never deserved it. Okay, logically I get that. However deep inside I have felt that I did it wrong somewhere along the line. A man doesn't just start lashing out on his wife without reason. A husband doesn't just start hitting his wife for no reason. I had to have doing something wrong. This one I think I really have a handle on. I know that my husband had, and still has, a problem with alcohol. I know that his aggressive behavior worsened when he was drinking. I dodged him many times but sometimes he caught up with me. It had nothing to do with me as a person. Yes I did not deserve his anger and rage. Yes I should have gotten out of it. In the end he left me, devastating me beyond reason. I had failed and I took it badly, very badly and very personally. In the years that followed I came to believe that he did me a favor in leaving. Although it took me a long time to find myself again I was a far better person than the cowering woman I had been with him. I have forgiven him and hold no ill will. That is as long as my heart and mind are in a good place I don't. I have to learn to never peek back at this, as it is not a true reflection of who I am or even who I truly was. My guard against this time will be to remember the good things that came from those years. My beautiful daughter, my oldest son, family and delightful memories. These were gifts that far outweigh any pain or hurt.
When it comes to Matthew I can think of no way he could he screw up my present. My memories of him are pure and true. Only by continuing to grieve so deeply and by holding on to the past can I hurt my present. These are things of my own making. When I am hurting I miss his as much as ever and I close myself in with those precious memories and unfulfilled dreams. In death I have placed him upon a pedestal and still depend on him to some extent to care for me, guide me and protect me. Logically I know he is gone, he is powerless to care for me and will never be here for me again. In my fantasies he will lead me through until I find happiness again. Who is setting whom up here? Matthew is my past, my wonderful, loving, trusting, happy past. Not something I feel I need to make peace with. Yet I do need to let go. I can better honor him by moving on and living life. He would so disapprove of my withdrawal from life and looking down on myself. I have to find peace, I have to know he's in a better place and I have to make my life a better place for me.
The past has nothing to do with what happened between me and David. He made a choice based on his past not on me. He made that choice not because I wasn't good enough but because he wanted what he had in the past. I could not compete with his past.
My past is behind me. No more looking back and placing blame and believing the lies of the past. The past can only hurt me if I allow it to. The hurts are healing or all ready healed and no longer have a hold on me.
With the help of my therapist and my dear friends and family I will learn to keep the past at bay. I will learn to love myself for who I am and not worry that I am not enough. I will live my life my way and I will know that I am living it my way...the right way for ME.
My past is behind me, I have made peace with it and it will NOT screw up my present!!
