Isle of Unrealized Dreams

I wonder if there is a place for unrealized dreams. You know like the Isle of Misfit Toys? If there is such a place I need to place my unfilled dreams there before my heart explodes with the pain and sorrow of all my dreams that have met tragic endings. Dreams that never reached happy endings, dreams that were only dreamed by me, dreams that lived only briefly in my heart or fleetingly in my mind. Dreams squashed by others selfish needs, dreams I suffocated, dreams I gave up on, and dreams that were too lofty for such as I.

I sit here this morning and the day begins with the brilliant colors of the sunrise. A day that could hold promise, reason and begin a dream.  Only for me the morning holds only sadness and dread. Dread of another day of loneliness, another day without that special love, without that reason for being. Because in my morning if you don't love and have that love returned you are nothing, void. 

When did my life become so blank? When I put all my dreams in one man and he chose to walk away from me. Showing me yet again that dreams and happiness for me are just a myth. To even venture to love again after losing Matthew was a huge step for me. I tried in vain to force it with an unavailable man, disaster from beginning to end. But with David it was easy. He is so easy to love, so accepting, so in need of someone to love him and guide him to places he has never experienced before. He gave me a purpose, a reason to get up in the morning, the desire to enjoy every little thing and share it with him. Being without him yesterday was hard but I managed, I thought quite well.  Then we were talking and just like that he was gone. Why does he do that....doesn't he know how insignificant that makes me feel? Why is my world so totally upside down? Why do I feel like I cannot live without this man? He reawakened something in me that had laid dormant and I obviously missed it. I totally feel like a large chunk of me is paralyzed. I have moments where I feel I  can't breath without him. 

But to him, I am door number 2. The option, the back up plan. I know I should run for the hills but I'm frozen in this place, longing for what we shared, it was only going to get better. I don't understand!!! I am a person, a living breathing person with needs, and feelings too.  Why should my needs come last? When he was with me and she was not in the picture I was his priority...but then in one phone call, I am nothing, no one, not even worth phone time? I don't know what to do.  I have tried to do as he asked, but he just can't seem to do anything I ask.  She has him blinded and I don't care how many years they HAD they are two different people now and this can not end well, I'm sorry just my feelings.

I can't continue this right now or I will be breaking a promise I kept and I refuse to do that. I love him, I won't break my word to him. 

Remember this, you could be throwing away something very very good for a piece of the past that was had not been in tact for a long time.  I know you feel you must complete this...I hope you don't realize too late that you threw me away for nothing.

Unheard

I just awoke terrified, crying out,  tears streaming down my face, who was that fleeing from my bedside? Not  long ago I met with a medium that told me at times of stress and uncertainty in my life Matthew sits on the edge of my bed watching over me. Was it Matthew?  It felt like David. Whoever it was they moved swiftly and I longed for a moment with them, longed for them to give me some reassurance that I am not going to always experience such fitful and unfulfilled sleep.

The numbness of yesterday is subsiding and full panic is creeping into my brain and heart as the tears flow freely now. I didn't think there were anymore tears, I have to have shed buckets of them already.  The desire to text David is overwhelming yet I know at some point I have to stop. I don't want to. I don't want to give up on him, I keep thinking in my fairy tale way that he will realize he loves me and that he is risking our happiness and that he will be here at my side telling me over and over again that he was so wrong and that I really am enough and all he needs.

I still try to makes some sense out of her timing? Did she sense he was moving on? Did she have someone in her life for a while that didn't work out and now she too knows loneliness?  How could she throw someone out of your life only to decide when it is convenient for her to tell him "he" owes her a chance to get back together?  What total selfish logic. So they had a life, so they had kids, so they weren't happy, it happens every day to thousands of people.  You go on, you remain friends life does not end as you know it. She has taken something precious from me and I hate her for it. She has taken something precious from him, never once thinking of his needs or the fact that he may have other plans for his life, thinking only of her selfish wants. There are no kids coming into play here.  I had 2 children by 2 different husbands, they are grown 2 of those children's father is not involved in there lives and the the father of the other 2 has passed away.  I do ok without them, not that it is always easy but they are not there.  At least David is there for his child....he does NOT need to be there for her.  

Why can't he wake up and see she is chasing the past. Something that once was? They can't regain their youth, their lost passion, there carefree existence.  What does she want?  There is more than meets the  eye here and I can't stand the thought that he is somehow being duped.  This wonderful man that has an innocent little child there in is spirit that wants to be with me and get excited over little things and learn to fly.  He has paid his dues, he deserves to be happy and I just don't think it's with her. He has always worked hard, he took care of his family and his responsibility let him be done now...let him enjoy being with someone who wants to put him first in every aspect, who's soul mission is to make him happy thus making herself happy as well.  I can't do this everyday, wake up feeling this pain, this loss, this emptiness.  I can't mourn his loss every time I think of him and a memory of our wonderful moments together wash over me.  

I told him I will wait, and wait I will.  I told him I will try to live my life as I was when I met him and I will, hopefully the melancholy will decrease and some joy can once again come into my life. My loving 100% is not always a good thing.  I am left bruise and afraid to trust and oh so very very hurt and lonely.

Holiday time is already such an unsettling time for me, how will I ever make it through. People tell me there is someone out there for me, I thought I found him, I know I did but yet again I lost him. 

I am not blogging for sympathy, I am but venting my feelings, trying to make sense of something that my heart just can't untangle. Trying to understand why one person has to endure so much pain when all she wants is to love someone with here whole heart and be loved right back. David you know you love me.

I do believe in happy endings, and someday I will have mine, maybe not until I join Matthew. It may not be all about my way, it may be my life, and I may be trying to live it my way, but maybe I am just too small or too unimportant to be heard.

This Is Not My Way

Ever feel like you cannot endure one more moment of your life as it is? Ever wish you could just vanish into thin air? Ever cry so hard that you think you might implode? Ever wish you were someone else, anyone other than the hurting mess you are? Ever feel like life is waiting to knock you down for the very last time? Ever feel that no matter what you do it's not right? Ever feel that you are just never good enough? Ever just want to give up?

Yep, that's precisely were I am today, at this very moment. To be honest I don't know how I am still sitting here working on this blog. What I want to do is scream to the top of my lungs, shake some people until some sense enters their brain and announce to the entire world that I MATTER!! But first I have to convince myself of that little detail. Yes I've been in this exact spot before, yes I am continuing to work with a therapist on this issue, yes I am sick and tired of it! I think I have it conquered and along comes some event, some person, some hidden memory that throws me headlong into the worthless heap I am right now. 

At times I truly wish I didn't give one shit what anyone thinks about me.  I wish I could escape loving anyone. I wish I didn't give a hoot about right or wrong and just did whatever the hell makes me feel good at any given moment! I know people like that and they seem to be happy or oblivious or just completely unaware or uncaring about anyone around them. At any rate they seem to worry about nothing. They enjoy their life and I continue to struggle.  What the hell am I doing wrong? 


Why do I have to have a heart that is made of glass and why do the people I let in have such good aim? My heart gets shattered every time. You think I would learn, you would think I would be a recluse and just give up. If only it were that easy.  

Today I am not living my life my way...today I am broken and hurt and wondering where I go from here. I have been asked to be patient, I have been asked to trust and I want to, but I'm scared, very scared! One more rejection, one more loss, one more and I just don't know.....