As yet another year comes to a close I find myself wondering why things happen the way the do, why can I not accept things as the are and why I am always wanting what I can't seem to have?
I wish I were optimistic about the new year. I wish I had great hopes and visions of peace, love and happiness. It appears my rose colored glasses have been misplaced and my romantic heart has come to accept that romance is, in fact, a thing of the past.
I have had special relationships. I have experienced joy in them, great joy, unfortunately it was always temporary. It always came to an untimely end. I was never ready to let go, but the other parties were. Weather as a child looking for a family to belong to or as a girl hoping for that special friendship that would endure for a lifetime, or as a wife wanting a husband forever or a woman looking for the right man to spend the rest of her life with I've been sorely disappointed. The past has brought much pain in all of these circumstances. The present continues the tradition. The future is almost unthinkable to me.
I know I am supposed to let go of the past. I try and at times I think I have truly succeeded. But it keeps catching up to me! I think I've dealt with and suddenly it rears up and looms before me in the form of present disasters! My head says, "see, it's happening again!" The questions begin again and I am thrown back to the "not quite good enough" bin again. That's when I think it is of no use to even try, everything ends up the same way. Not quite reaching my goals, not quite making it to happy, not quite whole.
I'm weary, worn out, used up. I've given all I have to give. I've given when I didn't even have it to give. I want someone to give to me. Someone who sees I am worthy, I am valuable, I am deserving. In every relationship I have had I feel I gave my best. I know I am not the easiest person in the world to get along with, I know I can be selfish and unreasonable, that does not stop me from giving my best. It will however deter others from doing the same.
This present relationship has taken a huge toll on me. I have never had someone sing such high praises of me and then treat me so badly. With his words he tells me how wonderful and deserving I am. His treatment of me when we were together was amazing, thoughtful and caring. Yet now his action convey to me that I am nothing. Not worth the consideration to even let me know he is okay. Instead following the rules set down by strangers to keep me at a distance. Keeping me totally in the dark. Waiting and wanting and hoping. Blindly I wait. Wanting him to wake up and realize what we had was a great beginning that should not go unfinished. Hoping he will come back to me. What a fool I am. I can't bear the thought that again I am left wanting, not ready to believe it's over, just like all the other chapters of my life, not finished by me. Left standing there with only my memories, my unrealized dreams.
I see why I am not looking forward to the future. I see why ringing in a new year seems a terrible waste of time. I hope with all my heart those I hold near and dear have bright, happy, successful new years. I hope they have love, peace and joy in abundance. As for me, I hope I can recover some joy and replace this pain with some peace. I will be happy to be able to hold my head up and say, "this is my life, I have lived it.....it's not always been my way, but I have survived it."
