It is amazing to me how down on myself I can truly get! Unworthy, unloved, and inconsolable. When I think it through I recognize the source, but usually not until the damage is done. It stops now..I am putting it out there...I am in control.
Not long ago in a therapy session I was relating to my therapist how, as a child, I was sent to live with various relatives by well meaning parental figures. That's confusing isn't it? My parents divorced when I was young, my daddy gained custody of me. He was in the military, therefore living with him was not an option, as he spend tours of duty at sea. I was placed with my paternal grandparents. A big responsibility for an older couple who had already raised their own children. When my daddy remarried I was reunited with him but things were not good between me and his new wife. So back I went. I think it was discussed that I might be better off with an aunt and uncle and maybe even I spent some time with them and that also failed. Next came another aunt and uncle and at one point they were going to adopt me. After a couple of years that too came to an abrupt end. Again I went to live with Daddy and again, I was sent packing back my grandparents. That was when I started feeling defective. Everyone gave me back!
When I was 12 it was decided that it would be in my best interest to send me to my mother. I had NO memory of my mother, prior to a visit with her the year before. I was told that I would go "visit" with my mother and her family for the summer. However when the summer ended I was told that the arrangement would be permanent. Yes, that was when the rejected part came into play.
I only lived with my mother for 4 years. I formed a bond with my siblings but truly never had a mother-daughter relationship with my mother. I have come to terms with that and am really okay with it. We made our peace and I can say with all honesty I love my mother and I miss her, and I wish things had been different but I am happy for what I had. We all did the best we knew how.
When I left my mother's home I went to live with my maternal grandparents. Yes, I bounced around a bit! I had a freedom with them that I had never experienced and was much like a kid in a candy store. I spread my wings and thought I could fly. By today's standards I was not a bad kid, in fact I think I managed pretty well. Then I fell in "love". I met my first husband when I was 14 through a mutual friend. Started dating him when I was 16 and married him when I was 17! Twenty plus years and 2 beautiful children later he left me for another woman proving how neglected, rejected and defective I really was!!
Somehow I survived that nightmare, that's what it felt like to me, and Matthew came into my life, in a very unusual way. He shared a house with my daughter, her husband and another friend. He became my friend, helped me get through the roughest times I had ever faced and he eventually stole my heart.
I'll not pretend we had a perfect marriage, even though in hindsight it appears that way, but he was always there for me, even when I didn't deserve his understanding and compassion. We were at the point where we were looking forward to growing old together and having adventures on our own. Our youngest was a senior in high school, our nest would soon be empty and we truly enjoyed being together and were still very much "in love". I was no longer neglected, rejected or defective! I was well taken care of, loved, happy and whole.
In the blink of eye it all went terribly wrong. He was gone before the realization of the situation hit home. I was alone, without my love, with no idea where home was, with not much desire to live. How would I survive this? Neglected, rejected, dejected and defective once again.
I can't tell you how many times I have wanted to give up. How many times I have begged the powers that be to take me from this world. How many times I have thrown my hands up in despair saying "I am DONE!"
I wish I could tell you that I never feel neglected, rejected, dejected, and defective even under the silliest and slightest of circumstances. But when I look at the enormity of circumstances that I have been through, is there anything today going on in my life that is so awful?
Yes I get lonely, but if I pull my head together and reach out I don't have to be. Yes I sometimes feel neglected, but that is usually because I have isolated myself once again. Rejected, perhaps by some, but those who have rejected me hold no power over me. And as for defective, I certainly am NOT!!
It is the wee hours of the morning that I am writing this. I woke from a sound sleep with those 3 words ringing in my mind. A sign that I needed to deal with them, now, this moment. I had to put them in prospective to clear my mind. I am not longer helpless. I am strong, I am alive and I am well. And I will fight these feelings with everything I have!! I am loved, I am accepted by those that matter and I am ME, Judi, Mother, Grandmother, Sister, friend, lover and a good person. It's my life......I am living it.....freeing myself of the these 3 words!!
