Past, Present and Future Collide

Seems my life is a huge loop. What goes around keeps coming around. I have been unsuccessfully chasing the illusive dream. Stop the world I want to get off. Why doesn't it just end?

As yet another year comes to a close I find myself wondering why things happen the way the do, why can I not accept things as the are and why I am always wanting what I can't seem to have?

I wish I were optimistic about the new year. I wish I had great hopes and visions of peace, love and happiness. It appears my rose colored glasses have been misplaced and my romantic heart has come to accept that romance is, in fact, a thing of the past. 

I have had special relationships. I have experienced joy in them, great joy, unfortunately it was always temporary. It always came to an untimely end. I was never ready to let go, but the other parties were. Weather as a child looking for a family to belong to or as a girl hoping for that special friendship that would endure for a lifetime, or as a wife wanting a husband forever or a woman looking for the right man to spend the rest of her life with I've been sorely disappointed. The past has brought much pain in all of these circumstances.  The present continues the tradition. The future is almost unthinkable to me.

I know I am supposed to let go of the past. I try and at times I think I have truly succeeded. But it keeps catching up to me! I think I've dealt with and suddenly it rears up and looms before me in the form of present disasters! My head says, "see, it's happening again!" The questions begin again and I am thrown back to the "not quite good enough" bin again. That's when I think it is of no use to even try, everything ends up the same way. Not quite reaching my goals, not quite making it to happy, not quite whole.

I'm weary, worn out, used up. I've given all I have to give. I've given when I didn't even have it to give. I want someone to give to me. Someone who sees I am worthy, I am valuable, I am deserving. In every relationship I have had I feel I gave my best. I know I am not the easiest person in the world to get along with, I know I can be selfish and unreasonable, that does not stop me from giving my best. It will however deter others from doing the same. 

This present relationship has taken a huge toll on me. I have never had someone sing such high praises of me and then treat me so badly. With his words he tells me how wonderful and deserving I am. His treatment of me when we were together was amazing, thoughtful and caring. Yet now his action convey to me that I am nothing. Not worth the consideration to even let me know he is okay. Instead following the rules set down by strangers to keep me at a distance. Keeping me totally in the dark. Waiting and wanting and hoping. Blindly I wait. Wanting him to wake up and realize what we had was a great beginning that should not go unfinished. Hoping he will come back to me.  What a fool I am. I can't bear the thought that again I am left wanting, not ready to believe it's over, just like all the other chapters of my life, not finished by me. Left standing there with only my memories, my unrealized dreams.

I see why I am not looking forward to the future. I see why ringing in a new year seems a terrible waste of time. I hope with all my heart those I hold near and dear have bright, happy, successful new years. I hope they have love, peace and joy in abundance. As for me, I hope I can recover some joy and replace this pain with some peace. I will be happy to be able to hold my head up and say, "this is my life, I have lived it.....it's not always been my way, but I have survived it." 

My Greatest Accomplishments

The morning began with a sunrise that rivaled the great works of art! The vibrant colors woke my senses to the beauty of Mother Nature's handiwork! The beauty faded with the white glare of the sun reflecting endlessly off the sparkling white snow. Snow lay everywhere, on the ground, on the rooftops, in the trees, shining and glistening, unspoiled by footprints. It lay before me like a clean slate where I could write the stories of my heart, stories of hope, of love, of adventure and of life.

The powers that be have given me moments where they have blessed me beyond belief. The birth of my four children being, without doubt, my shining hours! No matter how many times you are privileged enough to witness the miracle of birth it is always just that, the biggest miracle of them all! A life giving miracle that forever changes one life and gives a new life a beginning. I was chosen to give life to four extremely unique, loving, individuals who have grown to be their own persons. Just like the plan called for, all four are capable and good, kind and caring. All four bringing pride to this mothers heart. Memories of their growing up are plentiful and bring much joy to my heart.

What if I had not been so fortunate?  What if I had not met their fathers? What if I hadn’t had the experiences in my youth that shaped me to be who I am and raise my children the way I did? How would it have all turned out? I have no way of foretelling what might have been. I do know however, that I am proud of my children. I am proud of the part I had in raising them and molding them. I am glad to know in my heart that I did the best job I could when it came to caring for my children. I know that whatever sacrifices I made I made with conscience effort to do what was best of them.  I have absolutely no regrets!

Today I will be happy in the knowledge that I did a great job raising my children and that they are my greatest accomplishment!

I seem to spend a lot of time lately looking at my failures and shortcomings but today I chose to focus on my favorite job of all time, the job of being Mommy, Mom, Mother or even Nana or Grammy. There are no awards, no statuettes, no bonuses, but there is that pride, that sense of true accomplishment when your grown children look at you and tell you they love you.

This day of my life is dedicated to my beautiful children, Leanna, Rob, David and Daniel and to my wonderful grandchildren, Jaylyn, Kayla, Kyle, Casey, Zachary and Quyn….here’s to you all, my greatest accomplishment! I love you more than you will ever know, I am so incredibly proud of each and every one of you. You are always and forever in my heart!

This may be my life and I may be living in my way but I will always think of my children and grandchildren in choices I make that may affect them. It’s my life and I love my children!!!

Almost Over

Christmas is behind me, only New Years Eve and Matthew's birthday yet to muddle through...from Thanksgiving until Matt's birthday is an awful long time. I know that this years trek was longer and more painful because of the issues I had losing yet another perspective love in my love. An issue still unresolved in my heart as well as  my head. Something that I need to decide once and for all how to deal with before it takes me to the depths of despair that I can not escape from. 

Meeting David Heath was one of the better things that has happened in my life. He is an amazing man, with patience, of which I have fewer and fewer these days. He is kind, loving, gentle, generous, respectful, considerate and caring. I thought we had something going for us, especially after spending that month together in PA. That was our plan at any rate. When I left PA to return home to WI our plan was that he would come straight here upon completion of his assignment at Three Mile Island. We were going to spend a couple weeks here at my place and then travel to his place in IL for a couple of weeks. 

We talked daily about our plans and how much fun we had together and our future, making plans for the holidays and for several trips in the foreseeable future. One day I noticed he did not seem himself and I asked if he was okay. He told me he just didn't feel very talkative and was tired and ready to come home. I knew something was not right!

This feeling lasted for over a week and one Saturday morning he was not responding to my text messages and did not answer the phone. I, afraid something had happened to him, phoned the office of the hotel we stayed at. I was informed he had checked out the weekend before! Shock ran from my head to my heart to my head again!! I felt sick and panic consumed me. I thought this cannot be real. He is NOT the kind of man who would play a sick game on me like this. The thought that maybe he takes a different woman on each trip entered my mind but could not take root there. What was going on? Why? I had to talk to David!

I sent him a text which read, "What is wrong David? I know you checked out of the hotel a week ago! What is going on?" Not getting an answer sent me into an even bigger state of anxiety. I phoned but the call went right straight to voice mail. I left a similar message but added the question, "do you take a different woman each time you go back there to work?" 

I had left a suitcase full of clothes and souvenirs with him when I left that he was bringing home to me. After several more unanswered text messages I threatened to call the police to retrieve my belongings.  That got a response but it was not the response that I was expecting, I never would have expected the news I received.

He told me that the week after I left he got a call from his ex wife asking him to go to some kind of counseling program with her. She said they had had some good years and that she was puzzled as to why he never fought her on the divorce, which was her doing. She had him served when he was on another assignment in PA 3 years before. He told me that at first he told her no but that she kept on and he finally agreed. My mind was screaming, my heart was beating like a freight train and my eyes flooded with tears. What was he telling me?! I had a million questions but the few I managed to ask were vaguely answered and I could tell he was almost as confused as I was. David is a total logically brained man. He kept telling me he really thought he needed to do this out of respect for her, after all they had a long history and she had his children and some other logic dribble that I can't remember, and how he didn't want the family to think he didn't cooperate! Whatever the hell that means!! He said his biggest fear was telling me as he didn't want to lose or hurt me but his feelings of really needing to finish this were overwhelming.

I begged, I pleaded and made a total ass of myself. I couldn't think straight to save my soul and I thought my heart was literally going to burst! He told me he had serious doubts but that he had agreed and he felt he needed to see the thing through. He said that he needed me to be strong and that if his doubts were true he would need me to be healthy and happy so he could come to me if I hadn't moved on, which he wouldn't blame me if I had! Are you kidding me? Moving on was, and still is, the last the I want to do. 

To make a long story short, we continued to talk and text. I talked with my therapist for endless hours on the subject and cried more tears than I ever thought I could, I have no clue how I still have more every single day. 

Finally one day he agreed to bring my things that I had left with him when I left PA. I told him I wanted to cook him dinner and that we could have a nice long time to talk and decide what to do next. Sigh.... 

He came, I looked like hell, huge bags under my eyes from hours of crying and many sleepless nights. He too looked worse for wear. But our hugs were beyond words and kisses had a story of their own. We held each other for a long long time, I sobbed, he swallowed hard and we held on for dear life. Finally sitting on the couch I snuggle into him as close as I could get and stared up into his anguished face. I mustered up enough courage to ask him if he loved her. He said no, he did once, but not now, not like he loved me. But, that crappy word but, he really felt he needed to do this. I asked a few more questions, all of which he agonized to answer. And finally I asked the only one that mattered..."Baby, what do you need me to do?" Tears threatened to spill from his eyes as he told me he wanted me to go on with my life and be happy. He said I deserve to be happy. But I was happy!! He said he would come to me when it was all over and he would hope to find me happy and if I hadn't found someone else he would be mine.  

I know, I know....I know it wasn't a promise. My feelings for him had not changed, I know they probably should have but they hadn't. I still wanted him and the relationship we had begun. I reasoned he was worth the wait!

With the go ahead from my therapist I put into place a short period of time where I took a mini mental health vacation. I took no call, emails or text messages. I spent time doing little things for myself, by myself an dealt with NO outside drama. I wrote, took walks, browsed around stores and markets. I slept whenever I felt, read and took long hot baths. I cried.

Upon finishing this journey I was ready to reenter the world, slowly as it be, I contacted David and was once again shocked by his words. It seemed that he had begun the counseling program and that the counselors had told him he was NOT to have contact with me during the course of the counseling. Wow! Of course not...how can you brainwash someone if they have contact with the enemy!  When did I become the enemy?

I was devastated! And that is putting it mildly! Sheer panic took over my every sense! I couldn't breath, I couldn't speak, tears blurred my vision. I couldn't think, I wanted to lay down and die!! I took meds and went to bed. I couldn't deal with this, didn't want to deal with this and wanted nothing more than to give up, stop caring, stop crying and stop living. 

The holidays are coming, my family and friends are worried half to death about me, what the hell am I going to do? I'm gonna put on the strong face, I'm going to go about doing the things I need to do, I am going to fake it. So with my heart a total mess, my thoughts scattered in every which direction I forged on. Yes I cry easily, and I am not so good at hiding it anymore, but I still move on.

I bought my gifts. I helped make a special gift made for Leanna that I actually enjoyed doing for her. I shared some wonderful quality time with Zachary and Quyn! I made some holiday treats. I did what I needed to do. On Christmas Eve I broke the rules and sent David a text message to which he responded. It was a positive response in my book and I let it encourage me for the moment. I got through Christmas and did enjoy it for a while. Coming home afterwards, sitting here alone with my memories both good and bad, imagining what it could have been, what I wish it could have been was not easy, but all necessary to find my balance I lived through it.

Yesterday, the day after Christmas I took down all my decorations, packed them with care and as I put them away I was hoping with all my heart that next year will be different. 

I trusted David! I think I still do. That is where all this hurt and pain comes from. Yes I saw another man for a good long while, I fell in love with him, but he was NEVER mine, I didn't trust him, how could I, he didn't belong to me. But with David he did, and I believe he still does belong to me.  No matter how hard he works he will always have the memories we made together in PA. He can't erase how he felt about me, the things we did together, the laughter we shared. She didn't want him anymore and she tossed him aside. I think he will remember that. I know he is trying to be fair, and I don't hate him for that. I miss him terribly!

I have a long way to go, but I will say this.....I, for now, am trying to do what is best for me. If I knew my future I wouldn't have to work at it, I wouldn't have to be sad or worried. I know a lot of people who say I deserve this or I deserve that, I don't know about any of that anymore...I want to be happy, I want to be loved by someone special and I hate being alone. Those are the facts, pure and simple. It's still my life, it's MY heart and I will muddle through whatever it takes until I find what it is I'm looking for....I do KNOW that I will NOT settle, I may continue on kissing frogs in my search for my prince or I may just sit and wait for him to find me....at this point it is what it is....my life, doing it my way!!!!

Today's Battle

Sadness. How does sadness manage to creep into ever crevice of my life? I move along going about my day or evening or even in my sleep and suddenly I am sad! Not just a little down or a bit blue but overwhelmingly sad! So sad that tears are ever present in my eyes and in a fleeting moment they are running down my face, flowing freely, hot scalding tears. One moment I am enjoying an activity and in the blink of an eye I am fighting anxiety and tears from some memory or rush of feelings that over takes me like a freight train. 

I hear a song and it sparks a memory and I'm in tears. A movie scene, a phrase, a dream even a scent can summon the sadness that envelopes me and threatens to send me over the edge in to a full fledged melt down that can last for minutes, hours or in some cased days. It's like that nagging little headache some people suffer with. Always there, annoying and always threatening to grow more painful.

Yesterday I fought that sadness as best I could. I told myself "I will not cry today." I won the battle for most of the day. At dinner, which I shared with my wonderful grandson Zachary, out of the blue I looked up at Matthew's portrait and suddenly missed him so much I could not swallow my food. I felt the tears well up in my eyes and the sadness covered me from head to toe almost instantly. Zachary noticed right away and asked me if I was okay. I told him I was, but I wasn't. I was so sad I could hardly breath. I had to tear my eyes away from the portrait and force my thoughts to my dinner, which had lost all taste and appeal.

When I went to bed and tried to concentrate on some sappy Christmas movie the sense of sadness stole my focus and I ached from loneliness. Thoughts of lost love stabbed at my heart. Wondering if I will always feel like this the tears threatened to flow. "I will not cry today" I screamed in my brain! 

Finally welcomed sleep came. Suddenly I was searching for someone, a dense fog surrounded me as I blindly reached out calling several names, my heart pounded and legs shook as I stood in the darkness and the sadness took me to places I did not want to go. In agony I reached out for the faces that swirled around me. Not quite touching them, not quite able to see clearly who they were. I awoke with the hot tears running down my cheeks, gasping I tried to catch my breath and regain some sense of where I was. The voids in my life, the empty places in my heart have been over taken by sadness. Where joy once resided is now over grown with empty sadness and I have to fix it.

I am desperate to have some control over these waves of sadness. As a new day dawns and I sit here in the darkness I find myself dreading the day, dreading having to be ever on top of this sadness. Again today I have the goal to not cry. Get through the day, get through the holidays....surely there is more than this....

For the moment I am where I am in my life. I don't know how long these struggles will last. I don't know what tomorrow may bring. I do know that I want more. I do know that I deserve more and I hope with all I have to be in a better place soon. Baby steps? Perhaps. I have heard it said that through struggles we are learning...I should be pretty damn smart by now. I will face today a minute at a time. I will fight each battle as it comes. For each battle that I win today brings the end of the war closer.

Accepting the Challenge

Today the void that has become my life is not acceptable to me. So I have challenged myself to enjoy some sort of positive all day today. I will have to apply myself for that to happen. 

I started the day by making myself stay in the bed instead of getting up at 3:45 when I woke up. I need to adjust my internal clock. I am tired of going to bed between 6:00 and 7:00 PM and waking up between 2:00 and 4:00 AM. When I get up at that hour there is nothing to do but let my mind question my very existence, my self worth, my failures and shortcomings. The whys and wherefores echo through my being coming back so bleak I can barely breath. There is no reasoning in the darkness when you feel so defeated, so alone so utterly worthless.  So I stayed in the bed, willing myself to not cry. Telling myself that I am strong and that this too shall come to an end. 

When I did venture from the confines of the covers I came into the living room to greet the most amazing sunrise! The colors from vibrant orange to an incredible bright shining pink woke my senses to the beauty of the morning. I used to love the sunrises so. That is one of the reasons I love my apartment. Sunrises start the day, the new adventures not yet begun. Observing the sunrise this morning reminded me of the task ahead of me today and started me off in the right direction. 

Not wanting to have a scheduled plan but knowing I had to set some basic moves for myself today I formulated some ideas of what to do to keep me pointed in a positive direction. I will do 5 miles on the treadmill, I have done 1 so far! I will eat 5 small healthy meals today at 3 hour intervals, I have had my first. Those are positive things to keep my health on the front burner. I did get on the scale and was not happy with the numbers that greeted me, BUT...that being negative, I did not dwell there, just set my mind to work harder on bringing those numbers back down again, something I KNOW I have been successful at and can do again!

I am watching one of my favorite movies for the umpteenth time, Sweet November.

I am going to spend some time on my laptop exploring places that I am considering moving to. Yes I do see a move in my future.

I am going to write some letters to some people that will hopefully help me deal with some unresolved issues. Who knows if they will ever read them, but it helps me to get some crap off my mind.

I am going to make some Christmas goodies. I am going to read some uplifting stories out of the Reader's Digest that I started yesterday.

I am going to tell a guy who I have been talking to online that I am not interested and not regret it! I KNOW he is not for me so why keep dancing around it.

I am going to run a little gift over to my BFF and tell her I love her.

I'm going to pack up some stuff that I no longer need or want to get it ready for the next trade day here in our building.

I challenge myself today to be myself, to love myself, to be comfortable with my decisions. I have made some rough choices lately. Only I can decide which choices to stand by and which ones to change. Only I know what makes me happy, what I want and what I am willing to do to have it. Knowing that I can only control myself and accepting that is a battle for me, but it's a battle I must fight in order to win the freedom I so need to get through each day. I know a lot of people who think I don't have self respect but they are so wrong. I do respect myself, I do accept the facts that I am not perfect, I do know I have my moments of downright insanity, I do know it is not easy to always love me or even like me, but I also know that's what makes me who I am. I know I am one of the most compassionate people ever. I know that I am accepting to a fault and far too trusting. I know when I love I love 110%. I know I will sacrifice my happiness for someone else's. I know I wallow, I withdraw, and I have fabulous pity parties where I am the only guest. I am a survivor, I am stubborn and want to do it my way. Today I am glad I am who I am, any less of any of these traits and i might not be here today.  I am who I am, I am going to do it my way, and today I will do what I need to do to be positive. I accepted my own challenge today!! It's my life and today it is all about doing productive and positive things my way!!

Christmas Time Memories

Thinking this morning about Matthew and about how we never know what tomorrow might bring. We have no clue who will be celebrating their last Christmas this year. Someone we know and love could be gone next year. So it has crossed my mind that now is the time to make memories! Show those we love how much we love them and how special they are before the opportunity is gone forever and regrets fill the space where memories should live.

When I think about Christmas of 2009 I always think "I had no idea that would be our last Christmas." Come January 8th, Matthew's birthday I am so glad that for one of the very few times I gave Matthew a really special birthday celebration. I had no way of knowing that we were celebrating his last birthday. We had a great Christmas, we had a fabulous birthday weekend and I have those wonderful memories to keep my heart alive. Now I need to make sure that I make heart warming memories with my family and friends. Matthew will always and forever be apart of my holidays, and a void will remain but he would want me and his family and his friends to enjoy the holidays and love each other and keep traditions and make more of those memories. 

For me I must make that effort, and I vow that I will make the effort to make this Christmas a special, loving and memorable one. Even though I am struggling again this year that is not the memory I want to leave behind. So it's time to look forward and make some plans to make this Christmas as loving and joyous as possible. It's my Christmas wish to make it the best Christmas for all those I hold near and dear! It's a challenge and I fully accept it! It is my life and my Christmas and I will make it a good one!

So Tired

As I write this in the wee hours of the morning I weep tears of regret and hurt, of longing and rejection. I feel my heart will surely burst from the pain. The questions bounce around in my brain the answers are no where to be found. The confusion is growing to enormous proportions. The emptiness is threatening my sanity. I'm so tired and I so don't want to do this anymore. This thing called life is sheer torture! How much more? Please tell me how much more do I have to endure?

I beg Matthew to come for me. I cry out to him to come take my hand and take me with him, to hold me in his arms and shelter me, to protect me from anymore suffering. Why? I hope for death. I am committed to not hurting myself, physically at any rate, but I do beg for death to come in the night, to take me away to where the pain stops, the expectations stop, the needs stop.

My obsession to have that someone special in my life has overshadowed every other aspect of my life! Why? How does this happen? Why is it that every good thing seems so small in comparison to having that special someone? Why can't I put it in perspective?  I feel like some needy reject! This "not good enough" mentality is killing me. The second guessing every thing I do and say, the rehashing of every failure, every broken promise, every good intention. I find myself going over every moment spent with David, trying to find the reason he made the choices he made.  What did I do wrong? What didn't I do right? I know I am suffocating. I am well aware of that fact, yet I seem unable to control it.

I need the pain to stop! I hate the holidays. They are bad enough and with everything else going on it's more than I can deal with in a reasonable way. Everything is compounded, complicated and feels so wrong! For most people I put on the "face". I try hard to act at least okay, when in reality I am so scattered, aching inside, wishing to die, scared to death that this is all there is.

I know deep down inside I am still holding on to hope that I will be rescued when I have reached my absolute limit! Is that realistic? NO! I know that I am the answer, but I can't see. Right now I can only feel and it's not good! Why is it that the worse I feel the more people tell me what a good person I am and how I deserve so much, yet I don't seem to be able to get what I "deserve"? What am I doing that is so wrong so despicable that my life is in such shambles? I am so lonely, feel so worthless, hurt so badly, have no clue what to do next.

I am so tired, so very very tired.