I was browsing around on Facebook a few minutes ago and came upon this photo:
When I saw it I shared it with the added caption which is the title of my blog today. I wish I had always acted how I felt and not been so concerned about acting my age.
I grew up way to fast and missed out on a lot of youthful fun, experiences and excitement. I needed to be responsible. I was concerned that my actions would be judged and found inappropriate for a wife, a mother, a productive member of the community. I was under the assumption that what other's thought mattered.
Now that I am 60-something I have earned the right to enjoy my life doing things my way, sounds kind of familiar doesn't it?! I don't care that at times I dress too young for my "age". If I put something on that strikes my fancy and makes me smile and feel good I am going to wear it! If I look foolish and folks think I am dressing too young that's too bad. Maybe I am feeling that young and maybe they are missing out! At the end of the day it's not about them and I have already learned it's none of my business what they think so there you have it!
I have actually discovered that when I feel good I am a much nicer person and those around me benefit from that! So what if it takes some make-up and fashionable attire to make me happy? So what if you are wondering why in the world I would think I could wear this or that? It makes me feel good! I may not be all that thrilled with you have on either!
I have paid my dues. I have done the PTA, the sporting events and plays and school ceremonies. I have been the dedicated wife, mommy, employee, volunteer and host of other things that were not self-focused. It's MY turn.
I don't care how old the calender says I am. I don't feel that damn old. So why on earth would I act that old? I don't think it's illegal for me to not act my age, or not dress my age or date people not my age. I do know that some people my age do give up. They succumb to the pressures, or ideas that because you reach a certain age you have to give up. I will never give up. I plan to be 90-something and still be out there kicking up my heels! I will still be wearing my boots, yes my red ones. I will still wear short skirts and low cut blouses, as long as I can still get bras that lift the girls!! I will still do things that I didn't get to do when I was growing up. I will still be enjoying my life and being who I am at that particular time. I may reinvent myself numerous times.
I feel no need to apologize for this outlook and trust me when I say I am not. I am simply stating that I have not yet reached the age, nor do I foresee reaching such age, where I will give up being me...after all....it is my life, I am, and will continue to live it my way...and I hope with all I have that you too will be be true to yourself....find the place where you are comfortable enough to be who you are no matter what your age! Today I feel spectacular and 30-something and if it weren't so flippin' cold out I would put on a outfit that makes me feel young and sexy and parade around town like no bodies business!! Spring is coming and I'm ready to get out there and dance like no one's watching....ahhhh life is good, it's mine for the living....doing it my way all the way!!!
The third rule in the 7 cardinal rules for life says; Time heals almost everything, give it time.
I am very glad that it says ALMOST everything. While I find that time lessens the frequency and depth of pain it does not heal it in all cases. Some moments the wound hurts every bit as badly as it did at the time of the event that cased the wound.
Speaking for myself, and only myself, I know the pain I feel regarding the loss of my husband will never completely heal. There was a time I thought I absolutely could not go on without Matthew. My one desire was for him to come, take me by my hand and take me with him. I thought my life was over and that I could not possibly ever feel life was worth living again. Once in a while I do admit I fall back into that mode of thinking. When things are rough and I am feeling alone and vulnerable I tend to gravitate back into that thought pattern.
I think we must give ourselves credit for how far we come to overcome some things in our lives. I often fail to recognize how far I have come. When I get swallowed up in a pity abyss I feel like I have failed completely. I have to stop a moment and think back at how long it has been since I wallowed in this pit. I think back to how I used to spend days, weeks and even months anguished and non-functional. I would take to me bed for days on end, shutting out everyone and everything. I would respond to invitations saying I would come and then at the last minute I just couldn't get myself together enough to attend. My grief ruled my life. My tears were ever present. My loss swallowed every ounce of joy I had and left me empty, hopeless and alone with my misery.
I made some really bad choices during this time. Sought comfort in people and things that brought no comfort. Tried to hide my feelings and disguise my pain. Made several feeble attempts to stop it all by attempting suicide. Never ever thinking I could heal. Never daring to dream that my heart could get over my loss. Feeling guilty that I was still here, that my heart was still beating and that I could smile once in a while.
Looking back it was a long road, a tumultuous road. Thinking farther back there were other roads that were rough and filled with pitfalls that I though I would never heal from. Nothing as major as losing my spouse, but at the time traumatic and life changing. Most of those have healed, a few have left scars and others are lost to my mind forever. I have moments of remembrances of some events that may make me twinge for a brief moment. But the pain is no longer there. And when memories of Matthew and losing him hit me I let them flood my mind and my heart and wash away some of the pain. I was so blessed to have had him in my life. Those blessings will NEVER go away. The pain I feel is a reminder of that. I would't ever want that to completely heal. Given time it has eased and lessened. That too is a blessing.
Remember, that what is behind us is behind us...but never forget the things behind us made us what we are today.
I feel the healing going on. I'm living life like I am healed. I'm making better choices and I'm proud of that. Give it time my friends...living life my way and loving it....
