Why do I have to have days when I don't know which end is up? Why do I have days where I am so confused and have no idea what to do with my self? What do I want out of life? What is out there for me? What does the future hold for me?
I have been down for days, not any particular reason that I know. My thoughts are churning, my mind grasps for something solid to focus on. My heart is aching for I know not what. I do know that I want to be someone's priority. I want to belong to someone. I want someone who needs me and wants me. This loneliness is so painful! I am not unlike a ship being tossed by the waves. One day up the next down. One day hopelessly lost, the next thinking I know where I'm going. Only to wake the next morning drifting aimlessly.
I know there are people who love me, people who care. Why isn't that enough? Why do I have this totally and absolute obsession with having someone "special" in my life. I HATE not have someone to love, someone to share everything with. Someone who will love me in return and want to share everything with me.
At first it was all about I wanted to date and have fun and I would meet "him". I met "him", or so I thought. But it was not meant to be. Back to looking, but I found no one else. I was used. I was lied to. I retreated back to "him". I want "him". I compare all others to "him" and they fall short. They don't make me feel like "he" did. They don't walk, talk or look like "him", they AREN'T "him".
Everyday I think I can move on. Everyday I fail miserably. Everyday my heart aches for "him". Every night I cry for "him". Why am I making myself crazy? Why can't I move on? I am so confused. I just want to be happy again. I want a reason to wake in the morning. Loneliness is killing me. I have no desire to do anything. I try. I try to act normal, to smile, to chat with friends. I go to my meetings, I see my therapist. I do all the RIGHT things. I move through the days. I sit alone and think of him. I can't stop.
Maybe tomorrow will be better. Maybe tomorrow will be the day I am strong enough to let go. Maybe tomorrow I'll wake up and see a future. Maybe tomorrow I will love my life. But for today this is my life, I am going to live this I know. And I know one day it will be better.
