Wow another year under my belt. Still wondering when I will feel whole again. Still struggling with the void of not having that someone special in my life. Still wondering why things happen the way they do. Still wishing I could totally happy again.
As I sit here waiting for time for my New Years Eve celebration with family and friends I hold so dear I find myself at a loss. Why do I feel I need more? I have so much. Much more than many. I have people who love me. And I love them. Why do I feel like something is missing? I had it all and like so many took it for granted. But I still have SO much.
I am blessed with good health. I have a nice home. I have a beautiful family. I have loving, caring friends. Yet I want that one special someone who can't live without me. That one person that makes me sparkle on the inside, makes me giggle like a school girl, that I can't wait to see and will never get enough of. That person that I would move heaven and earth for. And he would feel the exact same things for me.
Wait, be patient, he's out there. I think I've found him but it is so complicated. Why can't it be easy? Why shouldn't it be easy? Why does it seem I have to be tested time and time again? Why must I cry myself to sleep missing him and wanting him? If there is another out there for me why can't he find me?
All around me people are meeting, falling in love, starting a life together. People are overcoming obstacles and living happily. That's all I want! I want to love him with my whole heart and have it returned. I want to be with him every moment, share every dream and treat him with love and respect. I want to snuggle in his arms as I go to sleep and wake and watch him sleeping peacefully and KNOW he is mine! Know that he is were he wants to be and know he loves me just as much.
I was so not cut out to be alone. I need to love someone, to take care of someone to belong to someone.
This is so hard. I never imagined being alone. I hate it. I HATE IT!!!!!
Is this my year? Is this the year I will have my someone special? I don't know. I hope so. I would love to have my heart in one piece again. I hope it happens for me, but I guess if it doesn't I will survive another year. Deep down I know life is good, I know I am blessed and my it is the totally selfish me that wants more, needs more. This is my life and it's not done. I will go on, I will keep hoping I find him or that he finds me.
Happy New Year!!!!
Monday, December 31, 2012
Saturday, December 29, 2012
Still Doing It MY Way.....
Last night I attended the wedding of a couple near and dear to my heart. While getting ready to go I thought for a long moment about marriage and relationships. About how when we first fall in love we can't get enough of that special person and how hard we work to make them happy. I thought about the movie "Fire Proof" and the wisdom that film imparted.
Knowing that the person is only ours for a brief time should make it easier to give wholly of ourselves. But it doesn't always happen like that.
The man I am seeing and have been seeing for over 2 years has limited time to be with me. So each time we are together we fully and completely make the most of our time. We know our time is short and precious and that makes every moment special. We want to bypass the petty arguments and put our best foot forward to make the other see how much we missed them and appreciate even the little things we do for each other.
Why then, when we are in a full time relationship, do we not act the same way? Why do we not love who they are and strive to make things as good as they can possibly be whenever we are together. Who says you have to fight and be right. If we focus on making them happy, making them the center of our attention and they do the same it is a win win situation.
Even in marriage or a long term relationship they are only ours for a little while. Any moment they could be gone. I know this all too well. I am happiest when I am making him happy. Isn't that my choice?
It's not about the things you have, the things you are spending money on, the places you go or even the company you keep. It's about TWO people who love each other, who want to spend time together and get the most out of it!
I am not totally crazy and do know that things happen to throw you for a loop, to question not only why you are with this person but also why you even exist. These are temporary stumbling blocks that can be overcome. You look at the bigger picture, you look at what this person has brought into your life. NO ONE but the two people involved know the real, complete story. And even they have no clue at the ending. Will she be taken tomorrow? Well he be taken the next day?
It is too easy to give up. To easy to say, "this isn't working out so let's end it". Yes when it's over sometimes it's over. Hopefully when that time comes you both know it and realize it's for the best. The work wasn't done and they grew apart. They forgot to try their best to make the other happy first and foremost. Some people are not equipped to always put their partner first and to experience being put first. For some people it is very hard for them to grasp that concept, for others it is easy. Some cannot understand what it means to be put first. Some are patient and can wait. Some feel the need to always be in control, never wanting to relinquish that power to the other. Not trusting them enough to do what's right or what they want.
It's a matter of what you want. Of what your heart cannot live without. I know that I can only control me, and not always very well. But I am working on doing exactly what I am talking about here. Why? Because that's what makes me happy. Totally making him happy is what makes sense in my life. It's what makes me get up in the morning with a smile on my lips. In the end I do get what I deserve. Even if only briefly I will embrace it and know that he's only mine temporarily anyway. We don't have ownership, we are sharing. I would rather be with him for an hour than have someone in my life full time who is only here part time anyway.
I know I am rambling, a lot on my mind this morning. I understand me better than most people think I do, I know what I need, what I want and what it takes to keep me putting one foot in front of the other. Yes there are probably other men out there that could make me happy and that I could make happy. But this is who came into my life, they say everything happens for a reason? Somethings are meant to be. So why can't that be true for me? This whole thing has happened for a reason, maybe to better me...maybe to better him...maybe to make each other happier than either of us have ever been? It's up to me and him to figure it out. And we will. Of this I am confident. And if I'm wrong, which I have been known to be, I am following my heart, living my life and I will continue to do so. Life is good!!!!! And I have every intention of making it even better.
Knowing that the person is only ours for a brief time should make it easier to give wholly of ourselves. But it doesn't always happen like that.
The man I am seeing and have been seeing for over 2 years has limited time to be with me. So each time we are together we fully and completely make the most of our time. We know our time is short and precious and that makes every moment special. We want to bypass the petty arguments and put our best foot forward to make the other see how much we missed them and appreciate even the little things we do for each other.
Why then, when we are in a full time relationship, do we not act the same way? Why do we not love who they are and strive to make things as good as they can possibly be whenever we are together. Who says you have to fight and be right. If we focus on making them happy, making them the center of our attention and they do the same it is a win win situation.
Even in marriage or a long term relationship they are only ours for a little while. Any moment they could be gone. I know this all too well. I am happiest when I am making him happy. Isn't that my choice?
It's not about the things you have, the things you are spending money on, the places you go or even the company you keep. It's about TWO people who love each other, who want to spend time together and get the most out of it!
I am not totally crazy and do know that things happen to throw you for a loop, to question not only why you are with this person but also why you even exist. These are temporary stumbling blocks that can be overcome. You look at the bigger picture, you look at what this person has brought into your life. NO ONE but the two people involved know the real, complete story. And even they have no clue at the ending. Will she be taken tomorrow? Well he be taken the next day?
It is too easy to give up. To easy to say, "this isn't working out so let's end it". Yes when it's over sometimes it's over. Hopefully when that time comes you both know it and realize it's for the best. The work wasn't done and they grew apart. They forgot to try their best to make the other happy first and foremost. Some people are not equipped to always put their partner first and to experience being put first. For some people it is very hard for them to grasp that concept, for others it is easy. Some cannot understand what it means to be put first. Some are patient and can wait. Some feel the need to always be in control, never wanting to relinquish that power to the other. Not trusting them enough to do what's right or what they want.
It's a matter of what you want. Of what your heart cannot live without. I know that I can only control me, and not always very well. But I am working on doing exactly what I am talking about here. Why? Because that's what makes me happy. Totally making him happy is what makes sense in my life. It's what makes me get up in the morning with a smile on my lips. In the end I do get what I deserve. Even if only briefly I will embrace it and know that he's only mine temporarily anyway. We don't have ownership, we are sharing. I would rather be with him for an hour than have someone in my life full time who is only here part time anyway.
I know I am rambling, a lot on my mind this morning. I understand me better than most people think I do, I know what I need, what I want and what it takes to keep me putting one foot in front of the other. Yes there are probably other men out there that could make me happy and that I could make happy. But this is who came into my life, they say everything happens for a reason? Somethings are meant to be. So why can't that be true for me? This whole thing has happened for a reason, maybe to better me...maybe to better him...maybe to make each other happier than either of us have ever been? It's up to me and him to figure it out. And we will. Of this I am confident. And if I'm wrong, which I have been known to be, I am following my heart, living my life and I will continue to do so. Life is good!!!!! And I have every intention of making it even better.
Friday, December 28, 2012
I Will Chose Happiness Today
As I sit here in the chill of the wee morning hours I can't help but wonder what prospect awaits me today?
It's all about choices, something I don't seem to make the most of. I can sit here and in my head make a plan for the day. A plan that includes good healthy choices and positive movements. I can look over my finances and put thought into my purchases. I can solve all the problems in my love life and even come up with some great ideas to promote world peace. But in the end, knowing I can only control me, and that is only at times, I may as well write a fictional story. The best laid plans of Judi don't always come about.
Something always seems to side-track me. Somewhere along the way my best laid plans become derailed. What starts out as a good positive day quickly becomes more of the same. Holed up inside, very little accomplished, mulling over the same old stuff. Why did this happen, why doesn't that happen, if only I had done this. Why must I continue to go around and around with myself.
Seems more days than not I have a plan, a good plan. But then my head doesn't stay focused on it or more often than not my heart doesn't. My head will have a plan but my heart will sabotage it quicker than I can blink. Do I trust my head? Do I trust my heart?
When I trust neither I just sit and wait. For what? I have no idea. I wait for things to change. When am I going to get it through my head that I MUST be proactive? I have to put forth some kind of effort to make things change. I need to do something, even if it's wrong or I will stay in one place forever.
This is my life. Ultimately I am in control of my destiny, my happiness, my lot in life. If I chose happiness then I am going to have to be in charge of bringing happiness into my life. It isn't going to magically happen. I am not going to wake up one morning and find that everything and every person I feel I need in my life to make me happy are in place. First I must figure out what and who I need to be a part of my happiness. Do I even know? It's about time I figure it out.
Today is another chance to get it right. Another opportunity to make some changes. Another day to listen to my own advice. Today I will try again. Today I will focus on my needs. Today I will live my life for me. Life is good, I will seek it out and make the most of it. I will be good to me today. Today I chose happiness!!
It's all about choices, something I don't seem to make the most of. I can sit here and in my head make a plan for the day. A plan that includes good healthy choices and positive movements. I can look over my finances and put thought into my purchases. I can solve all the problems in my love life and even come up with some great ideas to promote world peace. But in the end, knowing I can only control me, and that is only at times, I may as well write a fictional story. The best laid plans of Judi don't always come about.
Something always seems to side-track me. Somewhere along the way my best laid plans become derailed. What starts out as a good positive day quickly becomes more of the same. Holed up inside, very little accomplished, mulling over the same old stuff. Why did this happen, why doesn't that happen, if only I had done this. Why must I continue to go around and around with myself.
Seems more days than not I have a plan, a good plan. But then my head doesn't stay focused on it or more often than not my heart doesn't. My head will have a plan but my heart will sabotage it quicker than I can blink. Do I trust my head? Do I trust my heart?
When I trust neither I just sit and wait. For what? I have no idea. I wait for things to change. When am I going to get it through my head that I MUST be proactive? I have to put forth some kind of effort to make things change. I need to do something, even if it's wrong or I will stay in one place forever.
This is my life. Ultimately I am in control of my destiny, my happiness, my lot in life. If I chose happiness then I am going to have to be in charge of bringing happiness into my life. It isn't going to magically happen. I am not going to wake up one morning and find that everything and every person I feel I need in my life to make me happy are in place. First I must figure out what and who I need to be a part of my happiness. Do I even know? It's about time I figure it out.
Today is another chance to get it right. Another opportunity to make some changes. Another day to listen to my own advice. Today I will try again. Today I will focus on my needs. Today I will live my life for me. Life is good, I will seek it out and make the most of it. I will be good to me today. Today I chose happiness!!
Thursday, December 27, 2012
Another Year
I am certain that I am not the only person thinking of another year coming to an end. What went right, what went wrong, what stayed the same, what changed?
Did I accomplish any of my goals, did any of my dreams come true?
I have to say for myself I am not happy with the end result. I am in the same spot. I took some chances, I made some memories, I had some fun. But all in all not much has changed. I am still alone. I am unfulfilled. I am still struggling with what I want and how to get it. I am still sad and emotional. I am still lost and regretful.
As I write this I want to give up. I want to run and hide, I want to snap my fingers and have everything fall into place. Why do I have to fight for everything I want? Why must I always be the also ran. Why do my past failures, shortcomings or mishaps have to loom so large? Always taunting me, reminding me that I will never be who I want to be. Never will I be all that I can. Never have anything that I don't fight for and even then never have it all.
Yes, I guess I am feeling a bit defeated this morning. I know that I can let it ruin my day or I can get it out and make room for some positive thoughts and actions. I will not give up, but instead get going. I will not hide my frustration, but instead get rid of it by doing something constructive. I will not cry but instead use that energy to do something physical to better my health.
I am not living in the past but continuing to write my life story. I will set a short term goal today. I will work toward accomplishing that goal. It's my life, it's my story. Life is good, I want to live it...I will for today!!!
Did I accomplish any of my goals, did any of my dreams come true?
I have to say for myself I am not happy with the end result. I am in the same spot. I took some chances, I made some memories, I had some fun. But all in all not much has changed. I am still alone. I am unfulfilled. I am still struggling with what I want and how to get it. I am still sad and emotional. I am still lost and regretful.
As I write this I want to give up. I want to run and hide, I want to snap my fingers and have everything fall into place. Why do I have to fight for everything I want? Why must I always be the also ran. Why do my past failures, shortcomings or mishaps have to loom so large? Always taunting me, reminding me that I will never be who I want to be. Never will I be all that I can. Never have anything that I don't fight for and even then never have it all.
Yes, I guess I am feeling a bit defeated this morning. I know that I can let it ruin my day or I can get it out and make room for some positive thoughts and actions. I will not give up, but instead get going. I will not hide my frustration, but instead get rid of it by doing something constructive. I will not cry but instead use that energy to do something physical to better my health.
I am not living in the past but continuing to write my life story. I will set a short term goal today. I will work toward accomplishing that goal. It's my life, it's my story. Life is good, I want to live it...I will for today!!!
Sunday, November 25, 2012
Thankful For What I Don't Have!
Sometimes it is not what we have but what we don't have!
This month I have tried to focus on what I am thankful for. Turns out I am most thankful for things I have. But today I was thankful for something I don't have and it made me realize there are lots of things that I don't have that I am thankful for.
For instance my wonderful God Daughter has sleep apnea. I am more than thankful for not having that! Thankful I don't have cancer, I am not blind or deaf. Thankful I am not in poor health. Thankful I am not homeless or penniless (except when I spend my money before the end of the month). I am thankful I am not in an abusive relationship, or friendless.
So I am feeling today like I am awfully blessed for many things that I don't have. It is nice to have, but just as nice to have NOT!
Life is certainly good, sometimes for what we have and sometimes for what we don't have. I am living it and being thankful in my circumstances!!!
This month I have tried to focus on what I am thankful for. Turns out I am most thankful for things I have. But today I was thankful for something I don't have and it made me realize there are lots of things that I don't have that I am thankful for.
For instance my wonderful God Daughter has sleep apnea. I am more than thankful for not having that! Thankful I don't have cancer, I am not blind or deaf. Thankful I am not in poor health. Thankful I am not homeless or penniless (except when I spend my money before the end of the month). I am thankful I am not in an abusive relationship, or friendless.
So I am feeling today like I am awfully blessed for many things that I don't have. It is nice to have, but just as nice to have NOT!
Life is certainly good, sometimes for what we have and sometimes for what we don't have. I am living it and being thankful in my circumstances!!!
Sunday, November 18, 2012
The End of A Friendship
Sometimes things that happen make me sad and I have trouble dealing with them. That sadness can overtake me and become my focus. Too many things seem to be tied to the circumstances causing the sadness. How to let go, move on and find the good is what I am seeking today.
When I am being used and abused it is not necessarily my fault! If I fully believed that statement I would not be writing this blog at this moment. I tend to be such a rescuer and even when I know I am being used I think the user will see my worth and stop it! Right now at this point in time I am sick to death of being used! It is my fault that I have allowed it to continue. I have tried to be a friend and help a person who really doesn't care to help herself. I have been shut out, left hanging and lied to for some time now. Why the hell do I let it continue? Do I need a friend so badly that I am willing to put up with it? Am I afraid to hurt feelings even when mine are minced meat? Do I really think I should continue to try to help in hopes she will get it? Maybe a part of each question holds the answer.
One thing that I absolutely hate is being lied to. This friend must think I am too stupid to breathe. And therein lies the key. When someone lies to me it makes me feel like they think I am stupid enough to believe what I am being told. I have been through enough in life to know when I am being lied to. Don't underestimate me! I am far from stupid and better people have tried to pull the wool over my eyes. I have let it go and not said much but today it STOPS!!
This person has changed over the past couple of months and I had hoped I was wrong. I don't think that is the case. She has changed, she is being played and there is nothing I can do. I hate to see it but I can only be responsible for me. She makes choices and she will reap what she sows. My trust is gone and I really have no interest in trying to salvage it. Not only did she not keep her word to me I stuck my neck out for her and she has not kept her word to others that tried to help her too.
I cannot afford to feel badly and keep putting good intentions into this friendship. I need to cut my looses and put my energy back into positive, caring and mutual respect relationships.
I want friendships that grow and feel right. Ones that have give and take. A relationship where truth is ALWAYS a first priority. I want what I am feeling to be of equal importantence and not just have someone pretend to believe in me to get what they want out of me. Friends should be extending family. I thought this friend was.
But you know what....I will be fine, she will be just fine and it is probably best for both of us to call it a day. She has disappointed me for the last time and I am sure she will be glad to have it over as well. She obviously has very little if any respect for me or she would not have treated our friendship as she has been.
Life is good, there will be other friendships. Today I am okay with this decision. I am gonna live...and I am gonna live life MY way and so is she...Good luck.
When I am being used and abused it is not necessarily my fault! If I fully believed that statement I would not be writing this blog at this moment. I tend to be such a rescuer and even when I know I am being used I think the user will see my worth and stop it! Right now at this point in time I am sick to death of being used! It is my fault that I have allowed it to continue. I have tried to be a friend and help a person who really doesn't care to help herself. I have been shut out, left hanging and lied to for some time now. Why the hell do I let it continue? Do I need a friend so badly that I am willing to put up with it? Am I afraid to hurt feelings even when mine are minced meat? Do I really think I should continue to try to help in hopes she will get it? Maybe a part of each question holds the answer.
One thing that I absolutely hate is being lied to. This friend must think I am too stupid to breathe. And therein lies the key. When someone lies to me it makes me feel like they think I am stupid enough to believe what I am being told. I have been through enough in life to know when I am being lied to. Don't underestimate me! I am far from stupid and better people have tried to pull the wool over my eyes. I have let it go and not said much but today it STOPS!!
This person has changed over the past couple of months and I had hoped I was wrong. I don't think that is the case. She has changed, she is being played and there is nothing I can do. I hate to see it but I can only be responsible for me. She makes choices and she will reap what she sows. My trust is gone and I really have no interest in trying to salvage it. Not only did she not keep her word to me I stuck my neck out for her and she has not kept her word to others that tried to help her too.
I cannot afford to feel badly and keep putting good intentions into this friendship. I need to cut my looses and put my energy back into positive, caring and mutual respect relationships.
I want friendships that grow and feel right. Ones that have give and take. A relationship where truth is ALWAYS a first priority. I want what I am feeling to be of equal importantence and not just have someone pretend to believe in me to get what they want out of me. Friends should be extending family. I thought this friend was.
But you know what....I will be fine, she will be just fine and it is probably best for both of us to call it a day. She has disappointed me for the last time and I am sure she will be glad to have it over as well. She obviously has very little if any respect for me or she would not have treated our friendship as she has been.
Life is good, there will be other friendships. Today I am okay with this decision. I am gonna live...and I am gonna live life MY way and so is she...Good luck.
Friday, November 16, 2012
Learning to Travel
I believe that when you travel you see things in a very different light.
Before I begin a journey I get so excited I can hardly stand it. The thrill of planning what to take, getting packed, how to get to my destination who I will see, and what I will do takes over my brain.
I am so spontaneous that I rarely tend to details in advance. That to me lends to the adventure. I forget when dealing with others they might be a detail oriented person and my lack of detail can make them a little crazy!
I always just assume that everything will fall into place and I will have a blast and no one will be put out on my behalf. Idealistic...maybe. If you don't speak up are you enjoying yourself?
Not too long ago someone asked me if I had any rituals? I thought to myself.."me, rituals...ahh NO!" You know what I have discovered? I do! Nothing major but little things that I do without thinking. Wash my face, apply my moisturizer. Little taken for granted pieces of my day. Creature of habit, no, well, maybe a little. Takes a little edge off the spontaneity but I suppose if you don't realize it it's okay. For some odd reason I don't like to be placed in the category of a creature of habit. Wishing to be foot loose, fancy free, listening and answering to my spirited soul, blown by the wind of instinct, being held accountable only by my whims. Only if such were possible or obtainable.
So I am thinking that it is a trade off. Considerations have to be made. Being true to my bohemian side is perfectly acceptable, as long as I can convey my wishes without expecting all things to revolve around me. Simple things in travel are as exciting as planned tours and costly excursions. Being with loved ones, sharing a meal, talking into the night and laughing until you wet your panties is the ultimate experience! People watching is free and can entertain even the fuddy duddy's in any group. Take lots of pictures, keep the memories in tack, journal and above all be present!
I am learning every day, I am becoming more complete each trip. I am living in each venue and loving it entirely!
It's my life, I am living it, and I thank you for allowing me to be part of your life and sharing with you!!
Before I begin a journey I get so excited I can hardly stand it. The thrill of planning what to take, getting packed, how to get to my destination who I will see, and what I will do takes over my brain.
I am so spontaneous that I rarely tend to details in advance. That to me lends to the adventure. I forget when dealing with others they might be a detail oriented person and my lack of detail can make them a little crazy!
I always just assume that everything will fall into place and I will have a blast and no one will be put out on my behalf. Idealistic...maybe. If you don't speak up are you enjoying yourself?
Not too long ago someone asked me if I had any rituals? I thought to myself.."me, rituals...ahh NO!" You know what I have discovered? I do! Nothing major but little things that I do without thinking. Wash my face, apply my moisturizer. Little taken for granted pieces of my day. Creature of habit, no, well, maybe a little. Takes a little edge off the spontaneity but I suppose if you don't realize it it's okay. For some odd reason I don't like to be placed in the category of a creature of habit. Wishing to be foot loose, fancy free, listening and answering to my spirited soul, blown by the wind of instinct, being held accountable only by my whims. Only if such were possible or obtainable.
So I am thinking that it is a trade off. Considerations have to be made. Being true to my bohemian side is perfectly acceptable, as long as I can convey my wishes without expecting all things to revolve around me. Simple things in travel are as exciting as planned tours and costly excursions. Being with loved ones, sharing a meal, talking into the night and laughing until you wet your panties is the ultimate experience! People watching is free and can entertain even the fuddy duddy's in any group. Take lots of pictures, keep the memories in tack, journal and above all be present!
I am learning every day, I am becoming more complete each trip. I am living in each venue and loving it entirely!
It's my life, I am living it, and I thank you for allowing me to be part of your life and sharing with you!!
Tuesday, November 13, 2012
Loving Again
Sometimes when life is going good I find myself waiting to see what is going to go wrong! Can life be this good? What is going to come along and screw this up? Something ALWAYS happens so I am certain this time will be no different!
I don't want this to go wrong. In fact each time I am with him is better than the time before. Yet I continue to borrow trouble. I keep looking at the negative instead of focusing on the positive. And the positive totally out weighs the negative!!
Never thought I would feel this way again. Never thought I would want someone so badly. And never did I think someone could feel the same love for me! I deserve to be happy....after all everyone says so. Even though things are not perfect in this relationship it can work. If we want it badly enough it will work.
Brain washing occurs in the form of such quotes as "every good thing must come to an end". Why must it? So I am trying to replace these with thoughts like "anything worth having is worth working for" or "good things come to those who wait" or "every cloud has a silver lining". Works for me......sometimes.
Spending 3 days with my love has given me even more to wish for, to wait for, to actively seek. Waking up with him is like the first day of spring. New and exciting. Laying in his arms at the end of the day I am so safe and content. Talking with him, sharing stories and dreams is inspiring and revealing. It's hard to send him off to work as I miss him. But then he comes back and the almost school girl excitement replaces the emptiness and makes us both giddy. Laughing and talking, snuggling and looking into each others hearts, even eating and watching television is special and exciting.
Before the dream from my Matthew I felt these things but not like I do now. Before I held back and felt a bit guilty. Now it is fresh and new and I am enjoying each and every moment. As I can give more freely I am receiving more in return and it is amazing. No reservations I am giving this man my heart, trusting he will not break it, knowing full well he has the power to.
Today I am on top of the world in my personal life. Today I am living above limits, today I am loving again with my whole heart and that love is being returned!!! Life is better than good...it's full and satisfying and special and exciting and I am living it!!!!
I don't want this to go wrong. In fact each time I am with him is better than the time before. Yet I continue to borrow trouble. I keep looking at the negative instead of focusing on the positive. And the positive totally out weighs the negative!!
Never thought I would feel this way again. Never thought I would want someone so badly. And never did I think someone could feel the same love for me! I deserve to be happy....after all everyone says so. Even though things are not perfect in this relationship it can work. If we want it badly enough it will work.
Brain washing occurs in the form of such quotes as "every good thing must come to an end". Why must it? So I am trying to replace these with thoughts like "anything worth having is worth working for" or "good things come to those who wait" or "every cloud has a silver lining". Works for me......sometimes.
Spending 3 days with my love has given me even more to wish for, to wait for, to actively seek. Waking up with him is like the first day of spring. New and exciting. Laying in his arms at the end of the day I am so safe and content. Talking with him, sharing stories and dreams is inspiring and revealing. It's hard to send him off to work as I miss him. But then he comes back and the almost school girl excitement replaces the emptiness and makes us both giddy. Laughing and talking, snuggling and looking into each others hearts, even eating and watching television is special and exciting.
Before the dream from my Matthew I felt these things but not like I do now. Before I held back and felt a bit guilty. Now it is fresh and new and I am enjoying each and every moment. As I can give more freely I am receiving more in return and it is amazing. No reservations I am giving this man my heart, trusting he will not break it, knowing full well he has the power to.
Today I am on top of the world in my personal life. Today I am living above limits, today I am loving again with my whole heart and that love is being returned!!! Life is better than good...it's full and satisfying and special and exciting and I am living it!!!!
Thursday, November 1, 2012
Hurry Up And Wait!!!
Sometimes I am too excited to be patient. And often when I am impatient I lose my mind!
It is not always big things that I get excited about, more often than not they are small things. They just make me happy.
Waiting is NOT my strong suit! I am one of those that wakes my kids up on Christmas morning long before the rooster crows because I am too excited to wait any longer! I get dressed to go out hours early because I cant' wait to go! If I am going to travel I pack weeks ahead of time! If I have early morning plans I don't sleep the night before! And if I have plans with my special someone I get sick to my stomach with excitement! Face it....I'm not normal.
Right now I have two special things coming up and I am beside myself. Try as I may I cannot contain my excitement and managing my time has become very difficult. Both events are things that are a bit of a secret and that adds to the excitement! But it also adds to my frustration. You see not everyone would be excited for me or share my enthusiasm. Some people cannot know until it actually happens and some could care less, while others may think me crazy and still others would not like it at all. Therefore I just kind of keep it to myself. That is difficult for me as I am a pretty open person. When I am bubbling over with anticipation it is extremely hard for me not to share. This is a tough spot for me. I want to tell the world what I'm up to but ....I know better. LOL
So filling my time becomes a huge challenge. As I am not working I have way too much time on my hands. I am trying to spend a lot of time with my grandsons. I am watching a lot of movies, listen to music I like and even reading a little (now that I have finished all the Shades Of Gray books not so much.)
It is cold out which is my excuse for not getting out and walking, however I have a treadmill right here that I need to use. Maybe today I will do that. I am going to try hard to get back into the normal swing of my life and quit daydreaming and actually accomplish something. If I don't I will find myself worn out before I even begin my adventure. LOL!
Life is good, only getting better and I am impatient to LIVE it NOW!!!
It is not always big things that I get excited about, more often than not they are small things. They just make me happy.
Waiting is NOT my strong suit! I am one of those that wakes my kids up on Christmas morning long before the rooster crows because I am too excited to wait any longer! I get dressed to go out hours early because I cant' wait to go! If I am going to travel I pack weeks ahead of time! If I have early morning plans I don't sleep the night before! And if I have plans with my special someone I get sick to my stomach with excitement! Face it....I'm not normal.
Right now I have two special things coming up and I am beside myself. Try as I may I cannot contain my excitement and managing my time has become very difficult. Both events are things that are a bit of a secret and that adds to the excitement! But it also adds to my frustration. You see not everyone would be excited for me or share my enthusiasm. Some people cannot know until it actually happens and some could care less, while others may think me crazy and still others would not like it at all. Therefore I just kind of keep it to myself. That is difficult for me as I am a pretty open person. When I am bubbling over with anticipation it is extremely hard for me not to share. This is a tough spot for me. I want to tell the world what I'm up to but ....I know better. LOL
So filling my time becomes a huge challenge. As I am not working I have way too much time on my hands. I am trying to spend a lot of time with my grandsons. I am watching a lot of movies, listen to music I like and even reading a little (now that I have finished all the Shades Of Gray books not so much.)
It is cold out which is my excuse for not getting out and walking, however I have a treadmill right here that I need to use. Maybe today I will do that. I am going to try hard to get back into the normal swing of my life and quit daydreaming and actually accomplish something. If I don't I will find myself worn out before I even begin my adventure. LOL!
Life is good, only getting better and I am impatient to LIVE it NOW!!!
Tuesday, October 30, 2012
The Dream That Truly Set Me Free
Last night I caught a rerun of Message In A Bottle on television. I, like every other "chick" flick movie lover, have seen it before but not for some time now. As Mel Gibson was quoting the letter of apology to his Catherine something deep inside of me responded.
A couple of months ago my therapist confounded me by stating she felt I was feeling guilty about my husband dying. I have pushed that statement to the back of mind many times, choosing not to deal with it. Feeling that everyone must have some guilt when a loved one dies. I should have, I meant to, if I had only, I wish.
I want a man in my life. Now that sometimes makes me feel like a cheater. So this is one place where I often speak to Matthew, asking his direction, his "permission" if you will. Never getting a clear response I have felt at odds. Never feeling it's okay with him. Telling myself and everyone else telling me he would want me to be happy, but never quite believing it.
So as the movie was ending I got on to Facebook and wrote Matthew a letter. Just a short letter of apology. Not detailed, just simply and to the point. At the end I did ask for his assistance. I was so not prepared for a reply, especially as swiftly as the answer came.
In the very wee hours of the morning I had a vivid dream. I must tell you I very rarely remember a dream, but this one was so real it will be hard to forget. As the dream began I was in the hospital room where my dear husband passed away. He was on the ventilator and we were prepared for him to die. Only he didn't. The next thing I knew I was learning to care for his breathing site, to clean the machine to reinsert the tubing. He said nothing, but his eyes watched my every move. I focused on learning what medicines he was to take and when. I had a chart that had to be maintained that showed everything I did for him. It was very detailed, every time I touched him it had to be written down.
Suddenly we were at home. We had a hospital bed in a large room with shelves that housed all the things we needed to care for him. I was attempting to give him a bath and he was so angry with me. He kept crying and trying to push me away and bite me. He reminded me of a child throwing a huge fit. Next I was massaging his legs and he called me horrid names and told me not to touch him. The words were coming from his mouth but the voice didn't belong to him.
The next scene was outside on a sunny day. We were just sitting enjoying the moment, he was actually smiling. A family passing by called out to us to wish us a good day. He was sitting in a wheel chair and tears began to stream down his face. I went to his side and he placed his hand over mine. He didn't speak in words, rather in thoughts. His heart spoke to mine. "See what I saved you from?"
With those words I know that my husband left this world with my well being in his heart. He set me free to love another day. He is not angry with me for anything I ever did or didn't do. He was not that kind of man. He is still watching over me, helping me in ways that only I will understand. He has given me the freedom to take the steps necessary for me to finish living my life without guilt, without the what if's and the if only's. He set me free to love to again, to live again.
Matthew thank you. Such small simple words. You are safe in the corners of my heart. You will forever be loved.
A couple of months ago my therapist confounded me by stating she felt I was feeling guilty about my husband dying. I have pushed that statement to the back of mind many times, choosing not to deal with it. Feeling that everyone must have some guilt when a loved one dies. I should have, I meant to, if I had only, I wish.
I want a man in my life. Now that sometimes makes me feel like a cheater. So this is one place where I often speak to Matthew, asking his direction, his "permission" if you will. Never getting a clear response I have felt at odds. Never feeling it's okay with him. Telling myself and everyone else telling me he would want me to be happy, but never quite believing it.
So as the movie was ending I got on to Facebook and wrote Matthew a letter. Just a short letter of apology. Not detailed, just simply and to the point. At the end I did ask for his assistance. I was so not prepared for a reply, especially as swiftly as the answer came.
In the very wee hours of the morning I had a vivid dream. I must tell you I very rarely remember a dream, but this one was so real it will be hard to forget. As the dream began I was in the hospital room where my dear husband passed away. He was on the ventilator and we were prepared for him to die. Only he didn't. The next thing I knew I was learning to care for his breathing site, to clean the machine to reinsert the tubing. He said nothing, but his eyes watched my every move. I focused on learning what medicines he was to take and when. I had a chart that had to be maintained that showed everything I did for him. It was very detailed, every time I touched him it had to be written down.
Suddenly we were at home. We had a hospital bed in a large room with shelves that housed all the things we needed to care for him. I was attempting to give him a bath and he was so angry with me. He kept crying and trying to push me away and bite me. He reminded me of a child throwing a huge fit. Next I was massaging his legs and he called me horrid names and told me not to touch him. The words were coming from his mouth but the voice didn't belong to him.
The next scene was outside on a sunny day. We were just sitting enjoying the moment, he was actually smiling. A family passing by called out to us to wish us a good day. He was sitting in a wheel chair and tears began to stream down his face. I went to his side and he placed his hand over mine. He didn't speak in words, rather in thoughts. His heart spoke to mine. "See what I saved you from?"
With those words I know that my husband left this world with my well being in his heart. He set me free to love another day. He is not angry with me for anything I ever did or didn't do. He was not that kind of man. He is still watching over me, helping me in ways that only I will understand. He has given me the freedom to take the steps necessary for me to finish living my life without guilt, without the what if's and the if only's. He set me free to love to again, to live again.
Matthew thank you. Such small simple words. You are safe in the corners of my heart. You will forever be loved.
Friday, October 26, 2012
My Book.....Unfinished
Every book has a beginning, a middle and an end. Every life has a beginning, a middle and an end. And in the long run every relationship has a beginning, a middle and an end.
I was lying in bed this morning, my mind lounging about trying to grasp a thought for the day. And I thought; if I were to write a book about my life, I wonder how many chapters it would have and what the names of the chapters would be? (I have to tell you I came up with this idea while thinking back to defining terms, my mind does change gears rather suddenly). So let's go with that for a moment.
For some reason I thought of 8 chapters right off the bat. Why? I have NO clue. I guess that just sounded like a good number.
The first chapter would oddly enough be called The Beginning. Nice and simple. It would contain what I call "repeated" information. You know, things you have been told went on in your early life. When I was born, what I weighed, because I assure you I wouldn't tell you what I weigh now! Where I lived, what I like and didn't like as a baby. Funny stories of how cute and precocious I was would certainly be included. And the whispers of the past, the divorce between my father and mother and him getting custody of me would never go away.
The second chapter could be titled Where Do I Belong? Or Finding My Place. This chapter would tell the story of me as a little girl being sent to live with various relatives in different places while the adults involved tried to decide where the best place was for me to live. No one ever bothered to ask me where I wanted to be, who I wanted to live with. You know what I got out of this chapter? Where the hell do I belong and why does everyone keep trading me off? I felt like a defective child, these words actually came out of my mouth at a therapy session not too long ago.
Next would come the chapter that might be called The Home Of My Dreams? It would start off with my being sent to live with my "real" mother, at the age of 12, having very little if any recollection of her other that meeting her and her family a mere year and half before being sent there. I can tell you that was a culture shock. Her world was extremely different than any previous place I had called home. How would it turn out? No one would know.
The fourth chapter would perhaps begin with, With all the new people in her life, Judi found herself losing her old life, her old family, and was never whole again. I say this because once I went to my mother's house and became a part of her family the bond I had with my father's family seemed to dissolve and eventual disappear. Years later I was known to say, "I don't feel a part of either side of my family". Sometimes that haunts me to this day.
Chapter four, Looking For Love In All The Wrong Places. Sounds kind of like a country song doesn't it? It would be funny if it weren't so true. I wanted someone to love me, to accept me and to keep me. Any young man who told me he loved me I believed wholeheartedly! Why would they lie? Boy was I naive. I had turned into a real people-pleaser. I remembered what I had been taught and tried to be sweet and nice to everyone. Armed with that and the strong desire to be wanted I began to search for someone to love me and need me. What a journey!
As chapter 5 begins you would see me meet my "real" true love. Watch as I went through the dating ritual, the much too young for sex phase, and the marriage at 17 after running away to live with yet another family member. You could read how I muddled my way through the early years of marriage, thinking I was so well equipped for this. Be with me as I marvel at the birth of my beautiful daughter and later my fabulous son. Travel with me the entire time while I lived and learned during my almost 23 year marriage. This chapter would be entitled, Heaven To Hell.
Chapter 6 The Road Back, Hell to Heaven. This chapter would be filled with the horror of not only losing another relationship but the hope of building another that would be forever. The proverbial rags to riches to rags back to riches story. While the end of my marriage was hell, I found heaven in a man that was not only kind and generous, but also strong enough to endure my emotional baggage. He knew I came with an enormous amount of excess baggage and he helped me unpack it!
As we enter into chapter 7, named This IS Forever, I am hopeful and happy. I know that I know this love is forever, this relationship will endure the ages. This is my forever love and my forever life. My forever family! You will meet Matthew and join us in welcoming our sons. You will go through the struggles with us of lost jobs, making a new life clear across the county. Cry with us when we leave our beloved Wisconsin for Texas. You will be privy to our strengthening as a couple as our sons edge ever closer to adulthood, the time for US.
Perhaps Chapter 8, the saddest chapter of all, will be entitled, The End Of My Dream. They say life comes full circle, I believe that is so true. For when I lost my precious husband Matthew, I found my self starting to wonder where I belonged now. Who did I belong with, where was home? Lost, confused and ever so lonely. Accepting his death was the hardest thing I have ever had to come to terms with.
But, my book cannot end just yet. There will have to be more chapters. Why? Because I am still living. I have life yet to live. I will love and be loved again. Because life IS good....Live it and finish my book, that is where I am today.....I am in love, I face this love with timidation but hope, with fear, but with faith. I have no idea what tomorrow with bring, but none of us do. I love where I am today, I will love for today, and I will live for today.....NOT the end
I was lying in bed this morning, my mind lounging about trying to grasp a thought for the day. And I thought; if I were to write a book about my life, I wonder how many chapters it would have and what the names of the chapters would be? (I have to tell you I came up with this idea while thinking back to defining terms, my mind does change gears rather suddenly). So let's go with that for a moment.
For some reason I thought of 8 chapters right off the bat. Why? I have NO clue. I guess that just sounded like a good number.
The first chapter would oddly enough be called The Beginning. Nice and simple. It would contain what I call "repeated" information. You know, things you have been told went on in your early life. When I was born, what I weighed, because I assure you I wouldn't tell you what I weigh now! Where I lived, what I like and didn't like as a baby. Funny stories of how cute and precocious I was would certainly be included. And the whispers of the past, the divorce between my father and mother and him getting custody of me would never go away.
The second chapter could be titled Where Do I Belong? Or Finding My Place. This chapter would tell the story of me as a little girl being sent to live with various relatives in different places while the adults involved tried to decide where the best place was for me to live. No one ever bothered to ask me where I wanted to be, who I wanted to live with. You know what I got out of this chapter? Where the hell do I belong and why does everyone keep trading me off? I felt like a defective child, these words actually came out of my mouth at a therapy session not too long ago.
Next would come the chapter that might be called The Home Of My Dreams? It would start off with my being sent to live with my "real" mother, at the age of 12, having very little if any recollection of her other that meeting her and her family a mere year and half before being sent there. I can tell you that was a culture shock. Her world was extremely different than any previous place I had called home. How would it turn out? No one would know.
The fourth chapter would perhaps begin with, With all the new people in her life, Judi found herself losing her old life, her old family, and was never whole again. I say this because once I went to my mother's house and became a part of her family the bond I had with my father's family seemed to dissolve and eventual disappear. Years later I was known to say, "I don't feel a part of either side of my family". Sometimes that haunts me to this day.
Chapter four, Looking For Love In All The Wrong Places. Sounds kind of like a country song doesn't it? It would be funny if it weren't so true. I wanted someone to love me, to accept me and to keep me. Any young man who told me he loved me I believed wholeheartedly! Why would they lie? Boy was I naive. I had turned into a real people-pleaser. I remembered what I had been taught and tried to be sweet and nice to everyone. Armed with that and the strong desire to be wanted I began to search for someone to love me and need me. What a journey!
As chapter 5 begins you would see me meet my "real" true love. Watch as I went through the dating ritual, the much too young for sex phase, and the marriage at 17 after running away to live with yet another family member. You could read how I muddled my way through the early years of marriage, thinking I was so well equipped for this. Be with me as I marvel at the birth of my beautiful daughter and later my fabulous son. Travel with me the entire time while I lived and learned during my almost 23 year marriage. This chapter would be entitled, Heaven To Hell.
Chapter 6 The Road Back, Hell to Heaven. This chapter would be filled with the horror of not only losing another relationship but the hope of building another that would be forever. The proverbial rags to riches to rags back to riches story. While the end of my marriage was hell, I found heaven in a man that was not only kind and generous, but also strong enough to endure my emotional baggage. He knew I came with an enormous amount of excess baggage and he helped me unpack it!
As we enter into chapter 7, named This IS Forever, I am hopeful and happy. I know that I know this love is forever, this relationship will endure the ages. This is my forever love and my forever life. My forever family! You will meet Matthew and join us in welcoming our sons. You will go through the struggles with us of lost jobs, making a new life clear across the county. Cry with us when we leave our beloved Wisconsin for Texas. You will be privy to our strengthening as a couple as our sons edge ever closer to adulthood, the time for US.
Perhaps Chapter 8, the saddest chapter of all, will be entitled, The End Of My Dream. They say life comes full circle, I believe that is so true. For when I lost my precious husband Matthew, I found my self starting to wonder where I belonged now. Who did I belong with, where was home? Lost, confused and ever so lonely. Accepting his death was the hardest thing I have ever had to come to terms with.
But, my book cannot end just yet. There will have to be more chapters. Why? Because I am still living. I have life yet to live. I will love and be loved again. Because life IS good....Live it and finish my book, that is where I am today.....I am in love, I face this love with timidation but hope, with fear, but with faith. I have no idea what tomorrow with bring, but none of us do. I love where I am today, I will love for today, and I will live for today.....NOT the end
Tuesday, October 23, 2012
Roller Coaster Ride
Emotional roller coaster rides are tricky! One day they are fun and exciting. The next they are are sad and disappointing. What is the difference?
To figure this out I have to inventory my moods. What makes me happy, anxious, sad, angry, content and the host of other moods I find myself in? Who or what trigger these moods? What can I do to change them?
My friends and family have an affect on my mood. The amount of sleep, how well I am feeling even the weather has affects my mood. "HE" has a huge affect on my moods.
When I am in the best of moods it is often because I have had special time with "him" or a good friend or family member. Spending quality time with my daughter, my grandchildren, "him" or a good friend is great medicine and can make the roller coaster ride much more enjoyable. Doing things together binds the ties that hold us and deepens relationships in positive ways. I have to admit that on occasion, even in the midst of joy, sorry hampers my attempts to fully enjoy the ride. Suddenly the roller coaster plunges down, taking my joy and swallowing my hope. What causes this plunge? Memories, unfulfilled dreams, loneliness, guilt and many other mind altering circumstances invade my thoughts and whisk me up the next track, suspending my control over my own destiny.
No one can be in a good mood all of the time, I do know this. I would be happy to be at peace most of the time, to be content in my circumstances. Why does this state of mine evade me? Do I ask too much of life? Do I want all the wrong things? I don't think so. And I will explore this an another point in time. For now I just need to figure out how to get the most our of THIS ride. I have to decide whether to screech with delight or scream in fear, whether to ride it out or get off the ride and settle for the boring merry-go-round.
I am alive, I want to ride the roller coaster and screech with delight, I want to have it all!!!! I am far from giving up and settling for the merry-go-round. I am here, I am living my life more my way now than ever! I feel empowered. It's my life, it's good and I am going to keep right on living it my way!!!
To figure this out I have to inventory my moods. What makes me happy, anxious, sad, angry, content and the host of other moods I find myself in? Who or what trigger these moods? What can I do to change them?
My friends and family have an affect on my mood. The amount of sleep, how well I am feeling even the weather has affects my mood. "HE" has a huge affect on my moods.
When I am in the best of moods it is often because I have had special time with "him" or a good friend or family member. Spending quality time with my daughter, my grandchildren, "him" or a good friend is great medicine and can make the roller coaster ride much more enjoyable. Doing things together binds the ties that hold us and deepens relationships in positive ways. I have to admit that on occasion, even in the midst of joy, sorry hampers my attempts to fully enjoy the ride. Suddenly the roller coaster plunges down, taking my joy and swallowing my hope. What causes this plunge? Memories, unfulfilled dreams, loneliness, guilt and many other mind altering circumstances invade my thoughts and whisk me up the next track, suspending my control over my own destiny.
No one can be in a good mood all of the time, I do know this. I would be happy to be at peace most of the time, to be content in my circumstances. Why does this state of mine evade me? Do I ask too much of life? Do I want all the wrong things? I don't think so. And I will explore this an another point in time. For now I just need to figure out how to get the most our of THIS ride. I have to decide whether to screech with delight or scream in fear, whether to ride it out or get off the ride and settle for the boring merry-go-round.
I am alive, I want to ride the roller coaster and screech with delight, I want to have it all!!!! I am far from giving up and settling for the merry-go-round. I am here, I am living my life more my way now than ever! I feel empowered. It's my life, it's good and I am going to keep right on living it my way!!!
Wednesday, October 17, 2012
Writing My Own Story
Ever wonder what it is that draws us to a certain person? I sure do!
How is it that even if a person is not the right one for us we feel like we can't live without them? When you meet a man and have that sort of "instant" connection could it be real? Can a relationship start off on the wrong foot and turn out to be one of the best things that ever happened to you?
I don't know the answer to these questions but I know where my heart is. I know how I feel. I know what my hopes are. I know what the reality is. I know odds are against me. I know people don't understand and some don't approve. Knowing all of this doesn't change how I feel.
So again I have to be true to ME. I have to follow the path I have before me. I have to do what makes me happy. Believe me I have been over this at least a billion times in my mind. I think of little else. I am unable to see what others see when they look at my circumstances, because I am blinded by my feelings. But I don't care. It feels so good, so right, so meant to be.
If this falls apart I will deal with. I am not going to focus on that. I am going to enjoy the here and now. I am going to focus on being happy. I am going to relish the attention. I am going to be in the moment. This is a chapter in my life. I am going to live out the pages, writing the story as I go. The ending may be a surprise even to the author!
How is it that even if a person is not the right one for us we feel like we can't live without them? When you meet a man and have that sort of "instant" connection could it be real? Can a relationship start off on the wrong foot and turn out to be one of the best things that ever happened to you?
I don't know the answer to these questions but I know where my heart is. I know how I feel. I know what my hopes are. I know what the reality is. I know odds are against me. I know people don't understand and some don't approve. Knowing all of this doesn't change how I feel.
So again I have to be true to ME. I have to follow the path I have before me. I have to do what makes me happy. Believe me I have been over this at least a billion times in my mind. I think of little else. I am unable to see what others see when they look at my circumstances, because I am blinded by my feelings. But I don't care. It feels so good, so right, so meant to be.
If this falls apart I will deal with. I am not going to focus on that. I am going to enjoy the here and now. I am going to focus on being happy. I am going to relish the attention. I am going to be in the moment. This is a chapter in my life. I am going to live out the pages, writing the story as I go. The ending may be a surprise even to the author!
Sunday, October 14, 2012
Isolation?
It's dark and chilly and I am alone in the quiet morning hours. Alone with my thoughts. My mind unsure of the direction it is going hesitates with each word I write. Thoughts of isolation are being bounced around in my head. Isolated, alone, separated, enclosed or encased by my self. Is it good or bad?
Sometimes when I am hurting, unsure of myself, or just too tired to deal with anymore of life's twists and turns or drama I retreat into my own little world. I have done this as far back as I can remember. I enter a place where I hear only my voice. Only my thoughts can enter here. Here I am free to express myself however I want. I can cry, I can laugh, I can yell or scream. I can attempt to sort out my feelings and no toes are stepped on, except my own.
For during this time I usually have my life's events under a microscope! Ever examining not only the event but my reactions. Asking the whys and the what ifs. Searching for answers and peace of mind. And assuming. Assuming, how I hate that word. Jumping to a conclusion. Thinking I know what others mean or feel. Especially when my feelings are hurt. Rehashing it over and over in my mind. Like watching reruns for the 100th time.
What exactly am I hiding from? Why am I hiding? Does it help?
Perhaps I am hiding from judgment, from hurt and pain. From prying eyes and loose tongues. I know I don't want to let anyone see me at my worst. I get tired of putting on the face of strength. I get tired of advice. I get tired of sympathy even at times. I am hiding because I want to be left alone. Left to figure out where the hell I am going and what it is I want. Because honestly I don't know!! Oh what I want I can't have. I want my life back as it was. Knowing that will never be I and to conclude what would make me happy now in the real world. I always think I know but there always seems to be an obstacle that needs to be overcome in one form or another.
So does it help to isolate? Honestly somedays I think yes. And if I were more positive with myself, more compassionate to myself I would be better served. There are also times that I know it is not good and I have to get out and be with people for my own sanity. Times when I am so hard on myself and others when my focus becomes distorted and harsh.
I will make it someday to a place where I can accept where I am and who I have become. Hopefully it will include someone I can share my life with. Until that day I can only do the best I can to live my life one day at a time. Life is good and I will keep looking for that good!
Sometimes when I am hurting, unsure of myself, or just too tired to deal with anymore of life's twists and turns or drama I retreat into my own little world. I have done this as far back as I can remember. I enter a place where I hear only my voice. Only my thoughts can enter here. Here I am free to express myself however I want. I can cry, I can laugh, I can yell or scream. I can attempt to sort out my feelings and no toes are stepped on, except my own.
For during this time I usually have my life's events under a microscope! Ever examining not only the event but my reactions. Asking the whys and the what ifs. Searching for answers and peace of mind. And assuming. Assuming, how I hate that word. Jumping to a conclusion. Thinking I know what others mean or feel. Especially when my feelings are hurt. Rehashing it over and over in my mind. Like watching reruns for the 100th time.
What exactly am I hiding from? Why am I hiding? Does it help?
Perhaps I am hiding from judgment, from hurt and pain. From prying eyes and loose tongues. I know I don't want to let anyone see me at my worst. I get tired of putting on the face of strength. I get tired of advice. I get tired of sympathy even at times. I am hiding because I want to be left alone. Left to figure out where the hell I am going and what it is I want. Because honestly I don't know!! Oh what I want I can't have. I want my life back as it was. Knowing that will never be I and to conclude what would make me happy now in the real world. I always think I know but there always seems to be an obstacle that needs to be overcome in one form or another.
So does it help to isolate? Honestly somedays I think yes. And if I were more positive with myself, more compassionate to myself I would be better served. There are also times that I know it is not good and I have to get out and be with people for my own sanity. Times when I am so hard on myself and others when my focus becomes distorted and harsh.
I will make it someday to a place where I can accept where I am and who I have become. Hopefully it will include someone I can share my life with. Until that day I can only do the best I can to live my life one day at a time. Life is good and I will keep looking for that good!
Saturday, October 13, 2012
For Today This Is My Life
Why do I have to have days when I don't know which end is up? Why do I have days where I am so confused and have no idea what to do with my self? What do I want out of life? What is out there for me? What does the future hold for me?
I have been down for days, not any particular reason that I know. My thoughts are churning, my mind grasps for something solid to focus on. My heart is aching for I know not what. I do know that I want to be someone's priority. I want to belong to someone. I want someone who needs me and wants me. This loneliness is so painful! I am not unlike a ship being tossed by the waves. One day up the next down. One day hopelessly lost, the next thinking I know where I'm going. Only to wake the next morning drifting aimlessly.
I know there are people who love me, people who care. Why isn't that enough? Why do I have this totally and absolute obsession with having someone "special" in my life. I HATE not have someone to love, someone to share everything with. Someone who will love me in return and want to share everything with me.
At first it was all about I wanted to date and have fun and I would meet "him". I met "him", or so I thought. But it was not meant to be. Back to looking, but I found no one else. I was used. I was lied to. I retreated back to "him". I want "him". I compare all others to "him" and they fall short. They don't make me feel like "he" did. They don't walk, talk or look like "him", they AREN'T "him".
Everyday I think I can move on. Everyday I fail miserably. Everyday my heart aches for "him". Every night I cry for "him". Why am I making myself crazy? Why can't I move on? I am so confused. I just want to be happy again. I want a reason to wake in the morning. Loneliness is killing me. I have no desire to do anything. I try. I try to act normal, to smile, to chat with friends. I go to my meetings, I see my therapist. I do all the RIGHT things. I move through the days. I sit alone and think of him. I can't stop.
Maybe tomorrow will be better. Maybe tomorrow will be the day I am strong enough to let go. Maybe tomorrow I'll wake up and see a future. Maybe tomorrow I will love my life. But for today this is my life, I am going to live this I know. And I know one day it will be better.
I have been down for days, not any particular reason that I know. My thoughts are churning, my mind grasps for something solid to focus on. My heart is aching for I know not what. I do know that I want to be someone's priority. I want to belong to someone. I want someone who needs me and wants me. This loneliness is so painful! I am not unlike a ship being tossed by the waves. One day up the next down. One day hopelessly lost, the next thinking I know where I'm going. Only to wake the next morning drifting aimlessly.
I know there are people who love me, people who care. Why isn't that enough? Why do I have this totally and absolute obsession with having someone "special" in my life. I HATE not have someone to love, someone to share everything with. Someone who will love me in return and want to share everything with me.
At first it was all about I wanted to date and have fun and I would meet "him". I met "him", or so I thought. But it was not meant to be. Back to looking, but I found no one else. I was used. I was lied to. I retreated back to "him". I want "him". I compare all others to "him" and they fall short. They don't make me feel like "he" did. They don't walk, talk or look like "him", they AREN'T "him".
Everyday I think I can move on. Everyday I fail miserably. Everyday my heart aches for "him". Every night I cry for "him". Why am I making myself crazy? Why can't I move on? I am so confused. I just want to be happy again. I want a reason to wake in the morning. Loneliness is killing me. I have no desire to do anything. I try. I try to act normal, to smile, to chat with friends. I go to my meetings, I see my therapist. I do all the RIGHT things. I move through the days. I sit alone and think of him. I can't stop.
Maybe tomorrow will be better. Maybe tomorrow will be the day I am strong enough to let go. Maybe tomorrow I'll wake up and see a future. Maybe tomorrow I will love my life. But for today this is my life, I am going to live this I know. And I know one day it will be better.
Wednesday, October 10, 2012
R.I.P Alexis
Today as I prepare to attend the funeral of my dear dear friends 17 year old daughter I am thinking a lot about death and the choices we make.
I try in my own way to make some sort of sense out of it. My brain searches for wisdom and understanding. My heart screams out the injustice and my pain reminds me how vulnerable we all are.
Last week the beautiful you woman was alive and vibrant and happy. She loved and was loved in returned. She had her whole life ahead of her. Today we will mourn her passing, weep tears of loss and miss her with all of our being. A family will be ripped apart, dreams shattered and life will never be the same. The void left behind will consume us and the questions will never be answered.
My heart breaks for my friend. I am constantly thinking about what I can do to help. I know anything I do will be temporary, a bandaid on her broken soul. I know that in a matter of weeks most peoples lives will go on the same as before but hers will NEVER be the same. I remember thinking as life returned to normal for those that had surrounded me when Matthew died how unfair it was. I was angry that they had a life to return, a family in tact. How could they all go back to a normal life while mine was gone?!
I hope with all that I have to be there for my friend every single time she needs me. I hope I can give her what she needs. I hope she knows how much I love her and care about her.
People wake up. Life happens, it changes it throws it curves that we are ill-equipped to handle. Let's be there for each other, lets LIVE each and everyday, let's let each other know how important they are in our lives.
I hurt for my friend, I realize how it could have been my son, I realize how fragile life is.
Life is fleeting, life is good, and we need to live it while we can!
This was originally written on Sept 27, 2012 but went unpublished until Oct 10, 2010.
I try in my own way to make some sort of sense out of it. My brain searches for wisdom and understanding. My heart screams out the injustice and my pain reminds me how vulnerable we all are.
Last week the beautiful you woman was alive and vibrant and happy. She loved and was loved in returned. She had her whole life ahead of her. Today we will mourn her passing, weep tears of loss and miss her with all of our being. A family will be ripped apart, dreams shattered and life will never be the same. The void left behind will consume us and the questions will never be answered.
My heart breaks for my friend. I am constantly thinking about what I can do to help. I know anything I do will be temporary, a bandaid on her broken soul. I know that in a matter of weeks most peoples lives will go on the same as before but hers will NEVER be the same. I remember thinking as life returned to normal for those that had surrounded me when Matthew died how unfair it was. I was angry that they had a life to return, a family in tact. How could they all go back to a normal life while mine was gone?!
I hope with all that I have to be there for my friend every single time she needs me. I hope I can give her what she needs. I hope she knows how much I love her and care about her.
People wake up. Life happens, it changes it throws it curves that we are ill-equipped to handle. Let's be there for each other, lets LIVE each and everyday, let's let each other know how important they are in our lives.
I hurt for my friend, I realize how it could have been my son, I realize how fragile life is.
Life is fleeting, life is good, and we need to live it while we can!
This was originally written on Sept 27, 2012 but went unpublished until Oct 10, 2010.
If It Ain't Broke....Don't Fix It
I have learned an important point in acceptance! When we meet a person we either like or dislike them. If we like them there are certain traits that draw us to them. Why then do we try to change them? Why do we expect more from them than they can give? Why do we expect them to be something they are not?
If I painted my room green, why would I expect it to be purple? If I cooked cabbage why would I expect it to smell like beef stew? If I made friends with someone born and bred in England why would I expect them to speak with an Italian accent? I wouldn't.
Yet once we get into a relationship with a person, be it friend, lover or even a co-worker we seem to forget about what it was that we liked about that person and focus more on how we can change them.
Okay I liked you right off the bat because you made me laugh and tell it like it is. BUT....I wish you would sugar coat when you talk about me. Therefore you are asking them to change for you.
You told me you have issues with trust and keeping secrets. BUT....I am going to tell you a secret please keep it. And when they tell we are surprise!!! Really? Did you think they would change?
I fall for a guy who is not openly affectionate. We are out and I want to sit close and have him put is arm around me and hold me close. I get more than a little angry thinking in my head that he is embarrassed to be seen with me and doesn't really care, blah, blah, blah. Now didn't I already KNOW that he wasn't going to do that?
Sometimes it is extremely important to define your terms. For instance, if I say I have a "little" money I may have $10.00 to someone else a "little" money may be $100.00. If I want to spend some time with you I may be talking about a day or two. You may think I mean an hour or two. Sets us up for misunderstanding and unmet expectations.
I am looking for a long term relationship. Why then would I get into a relationship with a married man? Why would I expect him to leave his wife and join me in happily ever after?
I want to travel and enjoy life! Why then would I chose a boyfriend who hates to travel and his idea of a good time is mowing the lawn?
Do I really think I have the power to change any of the above situations. Should I even want to change a person. They are who they are just as I am who I am.
I want to accept each person who comes into my life for WHO they are. I don't want to try and change ANYONE. If we have differences that should do nothing more than enhance the relationship. Sure I can LOVE their strong points but if I can't handle there weak points that is MY problem. Why try to make them see things MY way. That's what makes them who they are.
The people I love in my life are all FAR from perfect, would I love them if they were perfect, probably NOT. That would only serve to show me how imperfect I am (as if I didn't already know that).
Live and let live! No more unsolicited advice. No more shock when people don't meet my expectations. No judgement. Acceptance of who they are!!
After all it is their life....they are free to live it their way. Just as it is my life and I am going to live it MY way! Life is good!!
If I painted my room green, why would I expect it to be purple? If I cooked cabbage why would I expect it to smell like beef stew? If I made friends with someone born and bred in England why would I expect them to speak with an Italian accent? I wouldn't.
Yet once we get into a relationship with a person, be it friend, lover or even a co-worker we seem to forget about what it was that we liked about that person and focus more on how we can change them.
Okay I liked you right off the bat because you made me laugh and tell it like it is. BUT....I wish you would sugar coat when you talk about me. Therefore you are asking them to change for you.
You told me you have issues with trust and keeping secrets. BUT....I am going to tell you a secret please keep it. And when they tell we are surprise!!! Really? Did you think they would change?
I fall for a guy who is not openly affectionate. We are out and I want to sit close and have him put is arm around me and hold me close. I get more than a little angry thinking in my head that he is embarrassed to be seen with me and doesn't really care, blah, blah, blah. Now didn't I already KNOW that he wasn't going to do that?
Sometimes it is extremely important to define your terms. For instance, if I say I have a "little" money I may have $10.00 to someone else a "little" money may be $100.00. If I want to spend some time with you I may be talking about a day or two. You may think I mean an hour or two. Sets us up for misunderstanding and unmet expectations.
I am looking for a long term relationship. Why then would I get into a relationship with a married man? Why would I expect him to leave his wife and join me in happily ever after?
I want to travel and enjoy life! Why then would I chose a boyfriend who hates to travel and his idea of a good time is mowing the lawn?
Do I really think I have the power to change any of the above situations. Should I even want to change a person. They are who they are just as I am who I am.
I want to accept each person who comes into my life for WHO they are. I don't want to try and change ANYONE. If we have differences that should do nothing more than enhance the relationship. Sure I can LOVE their strong points but if I can't handle there weak points that is MY problem. Why try to make them see things MY way. That's what makes them who they are.
The people I love in my life are all FAR from perfect, would I love them if they were perfect, probably NOT. That would only serve to show me how imperfect I am (as if I didn't already know that).
Live and let live! No more unsolicited advice. No more shock when people don't meet my expectations. No judgement. Acceptance of who they are!!
After all it is their life....they are free to live it their way. Just as it is my life and I am going to live it MY way! Life is good!!
Thursday, September 20, 2012
Why Am I Wasting Time?
I received news today of yet another classmate passing away. This woman was a vibrant, fun loving woman who within the past few months went skydiving! And in the blink of an eye she is gone.
In the blink of an eye her family's world is turned upside down, never to be the same. Time is so short, we never know when it is going to be our last day. We never know if today is the last time we will see our loved one. We never know.....
And here I sit, wasting precious time, lamenting a love that is lost and a love that was never meant to be. How foolish am I? When I should be happy to be alive I am wishing I were dead. When I love so many I am wishing for the love of one. One is gone, never to return, the other doesn't return the love I have for him. I'm stuck. I'm struggling. The absence of joy is making each day harder and harder to cope through. Brief glimpses of my former self emerge when I can manage to keep social commitments. I put on my face and try to enjoy the moment. Sometimes I actually lose myself in the moment. But always it comes back to me, lonely, lacking, needing and wanting what I don't have.
I have to focus on what is good, I have to find the best in me, in my circumstances. I have to remember all the people who do love and care about me and that I love and care about. True I don't understand why I can't have that special man in my life to love and dote upon, but is that truly the end of the world? Yes it feels like it, but I have to make a choice. I can let it eat me alive, consume my very being or I can muster all the strength I can and try with all my might to make each day special in some small way. I am wasting time waiting for this man to make me happy, I can't afford to wait. Time is moving on, I have things to do, lives to touch and memories to make.
Marsha I will miss you but your memory will live on in my mind and my heart. I want to live my life as fully as you did.
This is my life, I am wasting time, I am committed to doing better and living!!!!!
In the blink of an eye her family's world is turned upside down, never to be the same. Time is so short, we never know when it is going to be our last day. We never know if today is the last time we will see our loved one. We never know.....
And here I sit, wasting precious time, lamenting a love that is lost and a love that was never meant to be. How foolish am I? When I should be happy to be alive I am wishing I were dead. When I love so many I am wishing for the love of one. One is gone, never to return, the other doesn't return the love I have for him. I'm stuck. I'm struggling. The absence of joy is making each day harder and harder to cope through. Brief glimpses of my former self emerge when I can manage to keep social commitments. I put on my face and try to enjoy the moment. Sometimes I actually lose myself in the moment. But always it comes back to me, lonely, lacking, needing and wanting what I don't have.
I have to focus on what is good, I have to find the best in me, in my circumstances. I have to remember all the people who do love and care about me and that I love and care about. True I don't understand why I can't have that special man in my life to love and dote upon, but is that truly the end of the world? Yes it feels like it, but I have to make a choice. I can let it eat me alive, consume my very being or I can muster all the strength I can and try with all my might to make each day special in some small way. I am wasting time waiting for this man to make me happy, I can't afford to wait. Time is moving on, I have things to do, lives to touch and memories to make.
Marsha I will miss you but your memory will live on in my mind and my heart. I want to live my life as fully as you did.
This is my life, I am wasting time, I am committed to doing better and living!!!!!
Just One Of Those Days
Why do I wake up some mornings feeling so anxious I can hardly breath?
Impending doom prevails. Not like I am expecting any particular thing to happen, just on edge and nervous. Thinking surely something crappy is going to ruin my day!?
No plans, what shall I do with my time today? Sit on the computer, again? Watch another on my many movies, again? Take a nap, again? Sigh. Nothing to be anxious about there....lol.
I feel like I am chasing my tail and have no clue what I would do with if should I actually catch it. Pointless I know. No purpose. Where am I going?
They are working on the road outside and the sound is making me crazy. I finally get to open my widows to enjoy the cool air and my peace is shatter by the rat-a-tat-tat of a jack hammer? Really!!? Anxiety mounts.
Why did I get out of bed? Should have pulled the covers over my head and gone back to sleep. The promise of a new day made me get up. Then I walked into the oh so familiar living room and the oh so familiar emptiness caused my heart to drop. Why am I here? Why do I have to face another day alone? Why does my heart ache for something I can not have? Anxiety grows.
Got on the scale, so not happy. Look in the mirror, yep, still looking old and tired...SIGH.
Sit at the computer, see life goes on. Chit chatting friends, funny jokes, play a game or two, junk mail. I'll check back in a bit....more of the same.
My heart is pounding, I want to cry, but why?
"Pull yourself together" my head demands. "Knock it off"....oh this is not easy....I will survive this day....I have survived many such days......let me look for some positive thought....let me grasp a memory, let me get lost in a dream for a moment or two....Let me realize that I have things to do, things to accomplish and put one foot in front of another and make my way forward. No matter how small the step it is moving forward, the right direction, toward something better than this anxiety.
Somedays I think "This is my life?" For now yes it is....only I can change it, only I can live it.......
Impending doom prevails. Not like I am expecting any particular thing to happen, just on edge and nervous. Thinking surely something crappy is going to ruin my day!?
No plans, what shall I do with my time today? Sit on the computer, again? Watch another on my many movies, again? Take a nap, again? Sigh. Nothing to be anxious about there....lol.
I feel like I am chasing my tail and have no clue what I would do with if should I actually catch it. Pointless I know. No purpose. Where am I going?
They are working on the road outside and the sound is making me crazy. I finally get to open my widows to enjoy the cool air and my peace is shatter by the rat-a-tat-tat of a jack hammer? Really!!? Anxiety mounts.
Why did I get out of bed? Should have pulled the covers over my head and gone back to sleep. The promise of a new day made me get up. Then I walked into the oh so familiar living room and the oh so familiar emptiness caused my heart to drop. Why am I here? Why do I have to face another day alone? Why does my heart ache for something I can not have? Anxiety grows.
Got on the scale, so not happy. Look in the mirror, yep, still looking old and tired...SIGH.
Sit at the computer, see life goes on. Chit chatting friends, funny jokes, play a game or two, junk mail. I'll check back in a bit....more of the same.
My heart is pounding, I want to cry, but why?
"Pull yourself together" my head demands. "Knock it off"....oh this is not easy....I will survive this day....I have survived many such days......let me look for some positive thought....let me grasp a memory, let me get lost in a dream for a moment or two....Let me realize that I have things to do, things to accomplish and put one foot in front of another and make my way forward. No matter how small the step it is moving forward, the right direction, toward something better than this anxiety.
Somedays I think "This is my life?" For now yes it is....only I can change it, only I can live it.......
Wednesday, September 19, 2012
I Hate It When That Happens
I am to the point where I seriously don't know what is up with me! I have been doing the Atkins Diet and doing well. Yesterday I had my Seeking Safety group and we talked about having understanding and empathy for ourselves. We talked about food dependency and abuse and I was proud to comment positively about my tactics over the last week.
WELLLLLLLLL....for some reason, totally unknown by me I lost my every-loving mind when I got home!!!!!
Do you every do things, hating what you are doing the whole time you are doing it? I was cursing myself the entire time, yet I continued on.....WHY????
So now you are wondering what the hell did she do? Sigh, I am embarrassed to tell you but I have to get it out......so here goes.
When I got home I decided I was hungry. I had eaten 2 boiled eggs and drank an Atkins shake before I went to group. So I warmed up some squash from the day before and cut some pork tenderloin that I had had a couple of days ago...all perfectly fine. BUT...I was craving those good awful carbs...yes I am a carb-aholic!! Sooooooo I made a bag of microwave popcorn....sigh...but....I didn't stop there....all of a sudden I couldn't live without chinese food!!!!
Yep really.....I got in the car drove to the local chinese fast food place and ordered a $5 lunch deal and a side of crab ragoon!!!!! This lunch special comes with a soda too!! I get back home....I fix a heaping plate, grab my soda and head to the living room. Not even the table...really Judi???
The whole time I am cursing myself, questioning my motives while chowing down the food. AFTER I was done I realized the soda wasn't even diet (I always have diet soda)! WTF???
I must admit I was physically and emotionally ill when I finished! How can I do something that makes me so miserable? Am I punishing myself in some way for my short coming? Sabotage comes to mind. Why would I do that to myself?
Well, it's not the end of the world, I am back on track today, hate to think of the damage I did.
Even with all that today is another day, life is good!!!!! Another chance to get it right! Living for today!!!!
WELLLLLLLLL....for some reason, totally unknown by me I lost my every-loving mind when I got home!!!!!
Do you every do things, hating what you are doing the whole time you are doing it? I was cursing myself the entire time, yet I continued on.....WHY????
So now you are wondering what the hell did she do? Sigh, I am embarrassed to tell you but I have to get it out......so here goes.
When I got home I decided I was hungry. I had eaten 2 boiled eggs and drank an Atkins shake before I went to group. So I warmed up some squash from the day before and cut some pork tenderloin that I had had a couple of days ago...all perfectly fine. BUT...I was craving those good awful carbs...yes I am a carb-aholic!! Sooooooo I made a bag of microwave popcorn....sigh...but....I didn't stop there....all of a sudden I couldn't live without chinese food!!!!
Yep really.....I got in the car drove to the local chinese fast food place and ordered a $5 lunch deal and a side of crab ragoon!!!!! This lunch special comes with a soda too!! I get back home....I fix a heaping plate, grab my soda and head to the living room. Not even the table...really Judi???
The whole time I am cursing myself, questioning my motives while chowing down the food. AFTER I was done I realized the soda wasn't even diet (I always have diet soda)! WTF???
I must admit I was physically and emotionally ill when I finished! How can I do something that makes me so miserable? Am I punishing myself in some way for my short coming? Sabotage comes to mind. Why would I do that to myself?
Well, it's not the end of the world, I am back on track today, hate to think of the damage I did.
Even with all that today is another day, life is good!!!!! Another chance to get it right! Living for today!!!!
Monday, September 17, 2012
Will I EVER Get It?
Understand, un-der-stand verb to comprehend; to realize; to know the feelings and thoughts of. Not a hard word to spell, or to use in a sentence. Not hard to define. But to put it into practice can, for some, be a bit difficult. I believe that at times we can only understand so much about another person. I think a lot of what and how we understand has to do with our experiences in life. I also truly believe that many of us do not really try to understand things we do not know. Understand is a verb, an action word, meaning it requires action to understand.
In my mind understanding someone requires a certain amount of empathy. Em-pa-thy noun identification with and understanding the feelings of another person. I may understand the that a particular person hates spinach, but I would not necessarily have empathy for them because I like spinach. My lack of empathy may make this person fell slighted or frustration because he/she thinks I don't get it. And in fact I don't.
I have said all this to say: I get frustrated and fell slighted when people offer me advice, tell me they are there for me or how much they love and care for me when their actions don't reflect understanding and empathy. And I am the biggest roadblock to that process. I cannot expect anyone to identify and understand my feelings, when a lot of the time I can't understand them myself.
I search for answers when sometimes I am not even sure of the questions.
I question my own understanding of myself. One day I understand, the next I have no clue. For instance there is a person in my life that I think I cannot live without today. Yesterday I didn't need or want this person in my life. Tomorrow I will be unable to live without this person again. I understand I want said person in my life, but as for why? I haven't a clue?! So of course when others have an opinion oh this subject I am frustrated that they don't get it, they have not empathy for me....how can they? I too lack understanding and empathy for myself. Am I trying too hard, shall I just relax and go with the flow? Let nature take it's course...Oh I just don't know.....sigh
What I do know is in my day to day existence I have good days and bad. Some VERY good ones and some VERY bad ones, but in the grand scheme of things LIFE is good.....I may never have all the answers, I may never understand, but I am going to be kinder to me and I am going to live MY life for ME.....
In my mind understanding someone requires a certain amount of empathy. Em-pa-thy noun identification with and understanding the feelings of another person. I may understand the that a particular person hates spinach, but I would not necessarily have empathy for them because I like spinach. My lack of empathy may make this person fell slighted or frustration because he/she thinks I don't get it. And in fact I don't.
I have said all this to say: I get frustrated and fell slighted when people offer me advice, tell me they are there for me or how much they love and care for me when their actions don't reflect understanding and empathy. And I am the biggest roadblock to that process. I cannot expect anyone to identify and understand my feelings, when a lot of the time I can't understand them myself.
I search for answers when sometimes I am not even sure of the questions.
I question my own understanding of myself. One day I understand, the next I have no clue. For instance there is a person in my life that I think I cannot live without today. Yesterday I didn't need or want this person in my life. Tomorrow I will be unable to live without this person again. I understand I want said person in my life, but as for why? I haven't a clue?! So of course when others have an opinion oh this subject I am frustrated that they don't get it, they have not empathy for me....how can they? I too lack understanding and empathy for myself. Am I trying too hard, shall I just relax and go with the flow? Let nature take it's course...Oh I just don't know.....sigh
What I do know is in my day to day existence I have good days and bad. Some VERY good ones and some VERY bad ones, but in the grand scheme of things LIFE is good.....I may never have all the answers, I may never understand, but I am going to be kinder to me and I am going to live MY life for ME.....
Sunday, September 16, 2012
Busy is GOOD!!
What a busy weekend I have had so far with another full day today!!! I love to be busy, surrounded by family and friends and having fun!!
It is Gemuetlichkeit Days here in Jefferson, WI. What is that you might ask? It is German Heritage Days and a host of wonderful family events are the order of the weekend. Bed races this morning followed by our always delightful parade. Yes it is a great excuse for drinking in the streets and grilling out but it is much more in my heart of hearts! My husband accompanied me to my very first Gemuetlichkeit parade and together we enjoyed the fun and festivities! It is so bittersweet for me...yet I love it! Tears are shed throughout the day as memories of my sweet, gentle Matthew invade my heart and mind. How he loved to be with us all and we with him. This man that brought so many new experiences into my life will always and forever be with all of us who love and miss him so very much.
We entered out precious little doggies into the cutest pet contest for the first time and wouldn't you know EVERYONES entries were misplaced!!! LOL So we will not find out the winners until after the event ends!! It's okay we had a blast getting them ready. I made them little floral crowns and we took their pictures in front of a little German flag with beer steins of beer, secretly applying peanut butter around the rim so the doggies would lick inside the mugs. They came out a bit blurry but very cute anyway. I think we stand a good chance to win.
So my friends I just want to say once again that Life IS Good, and I am living it as best I can!! Have a wonderful day!!!!!
It is Gemuetlichkeit Days here in Jefferson, WI. What is that you might ask? It is German Heritage Days and a host of wonderful family events are the order of the weekend. Bed races this morning followed by our always delightful parade. Yes it is a great excuse for drinking in the streets and grilling out but it is much more in my heart of hearts! My husband accompanied me to my very first Gemuetlichkeit parade and together we enjoyed the fun and festivities! It is so bittersweet for me...yet I love it! Tears are shed throughout the day as memories of my sweet, gentle Matthew invade my heart and mind. How he loved to be with us all and we with him. This man that brought so many new experiences into my life will always and forever be with all of us who love and miss him so very much.
So my friends I just want to say once again that Life IS Good, and I am living it as best I can!! Have a wonderful day!!!!!
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