Seeing Clearer

Getting away from everyday life is such a breath of fresh air.  Seeing things from a distance and being away from home brings a new perspective. A break from the mundane brings a newness, a uniqueness and a certain joy to my being. It brings hope and life to my dreams and to my plans for a future.

Sometimes when I am in the same place for long periods of time I find myself thinking there is nothing more.  Things stay the same, become stale and the status quo is all there is.  Nothing to look forward to, nothing new to feel or see.  Being in a rut with no way out. Hopelessness in the form of sameness. 

Now that I am in PA and with someone who shows affection, consideration and interest I see things magnified. Being with someone who puts my interest, my needs and my happiness first is almost overwhelming.  I have to keep pinching myself. Is this what I have been missing, is this for real, is this what it is supposed to feel like? We can talk about anything and everything.  Compliments are so very nice! Holding hands everywhere we go! Even just sitting together while doing our own thing is so satisfying. He has time to text me during his work day. He wants me here next to him every spare minute.  He finds me interesting and wants to know more about me. He likes the little things about me that make me who I am. We have a mutual admiration for each other, and the desire to make the other happy. We have respect and value each other as a person.

I wish I could say my heart doesn't give me some grief and that my thoughts don't stray where they don't belong. For it takes time to get over somethings. Especially things that go on for a long period of time. Things that are deeply embedded in your heart. Even though those things are hurtful they served a purpose at one time.  Accepting that they are over is a process. I feel in total control over that process and know that it is over and one day it will be completely out of my system. I will be able to look back and say with all certainty that it was good for a time, it was best ended and that NEVER again will I settle for less than I deserve. NEVER again will I love someone who only takes and NEVER again will I waste valuable time on someone who does not want the same things I do.

I have yet another chance for a committed relationship here at my fingertips. For now we are enjoying being together, getting to know one another and figuring out how to work together to get the most out of our relationship.  We aren't pretending to be something we aren't or trying to make something happen between us that isn't there. Two intelligent adults who are looking for shared enjoyment, togetherness and commitment.  We bring out the best in each other. We are opposites in that I lead with my heart and he leads with his head.  Simply put, I will teach him to fly, he will teach me to touch down once in a while. He delights in my delight and I in his!

We are living life...together...and learning...together...and laughing...together...and we are loving it!!  Life IS good, especially when shared with someone special. Not only do I have someone special ..I am someone special!!!  Life is good...Live it as such!!!!

Waiting

You know, I have come to realize that I am not very good at waiting for most things.

Good things come to those who wait? Yes they may come, but the agony of waiting makes it come so slowly!! Prolonging the gratification is hard. I find I whine, I sigh, I piddle, and I piss and moan. I'm sure my friends are tired of hearing the number of days, hours and minutes before my next adventure! I count down in sleeps, because when my kids were little that's what we used for them.  Christmas will be here in 15 more sleeps, we would tell them.

I am trying to contain my excitement, but not much! I have big hopes for this trip and my dear friend pointed out she hopes I am not disappointed. I suppose that is a possibility, but as always I have on my rose colored glasses and can see nothing but promise ahead of me. After such a long wait I cannot even begin to think it will be nothing but a great experience! 

Go into any new experience expecting the best, but prepared for the unexpected. Mmmmm that's an interesting phrase. I am going on this trip expecting to expand on a new relationship. We met, we like each other and we want to get to know each other better. We both hope a deeper relationship is the result. We know what we are looking for in a partner and are both expecting to have a wonderful time! So how would I prepare for the unexpected? I already have my return flight booked. Worse case scenario I come home early.? I don't foresee that but if that's being prepared then I'm prepared. I am just one of those people that expect the best and if the worse happens then I muddle through. 

Whatever happens happens. If I have learned nothing else in this life it is that I cannot control anything but myself. And at times I am not very good at that. But life is going to happen, and I'm going to make it through and make the most out of it. I am going to go on this trip, be myself, enjoy myself to the fullest and make great memories with a man that I not only like, but that has shown me generous interest and a desire to form a lasting relationship. Yes, we have moved rather fast, but you know...we aren't spring chickens and we are both intelligent people with no other ties so why not jump in and see what happens? We are already friends and enjoy each others company so if we stay just friends that's okay too.

You see, it is my life and I can never have too many friends in my life. I need people to care about and love and make memories with. I'm living my life for me. And I only have to wait 3 more sleeps to begin yet another adventure!!!   

Ooops I Got Distracted

Some of those beautiful things in life that I was speaking about in my last blog distracted me from completing it!

Being totally consumed with my upcoming trip to PA and trying desperately to keep myself busy I jumped at the chance to go out with a great friend and totally forgot to finish my thoughts.  When I came back from my outing I assure you writing more would probably not have been a good thing as I don't have a breathalyzer on my  laptop, and boy do I need one sometimes!  The next morning, without much thought, I simply clicked publish not even realizing I hadn't finished writing.  So, now that I have reread what I was trying to say is I am so glad that I do have so much beauty in my life.  That the beauty does in fact shine and the ugly negativity is taking a back seat to much more positive things in my life. 

It's a shame that so many of us take the everyday beauty in our lives for granted.  I had a friend one time that said she never had seen a miracle.  I guess it all depends on what we consider miracles to be. Whenever I see a newborn baby, a gorgeous sunrise, a couple in love, the beauty of friendship, the changing seasons, a smile from a stranger or even hear a song I love it brings thoughts of miracles to my mind.  To me miracles are those little things that bring joy into my heart, pleasant memories to my mind, and smiles to my senses.  Things that remind me how wonderful it is to be alive, well, happy and have the ability to love and care and give.

Yes at times I see far too clearly the negative things in my life, but if I step back, take a deep breath, turn my focus to the beauty I know is there I realize, a lot quicker than I used to, that life is so very good. I know that I am blessed with so many good things in my life.  I am learning that I deserve these good things. I am learning to enjoy them and embrace them!  I know life has many more good things in store for me, and I'll not hide from them, but will open my eyes and my heart and accept it all.

My life is filled with good, with beauty and joy.  I am happier today than I have been in a long time and I know that it's only to get better. This is my life, and I am going to live it!!

There Is Always Beauty

Why is that at times, even when things are looking up in life, I continue to look at the negative?  Why does the negative loom larger that the positive?  How do I reverse this?

I am so excited about my trip I can hardly contain myself!  I have done a lot of packing and preparing. I have figured out my budget. I talk to David daily and we talk about out plans endlessly. I have been keeping myself busy, or at least trying to. And yet I find time to mull over stupid little things that bring me down. Things I have no control over, people I have no control over and relationships that I am not sure of. 

Then I saw this......

So now again I need to focus on what's beautiful in my life. I am so very grateful that I have my health, especially when I know I have dear friends who fight health issues.  I am quite active and pretty proud of what I am able to do physically. I have gorgeous talented children and grandchildren, and even though I sometimes worry about them, I am blessed! I have a host of friends and family that love me and care about me, so why do I think about the ones that don't. I have an apartment that I love and can afford, so why waste my time wanting more. 

Another Chapter

Good morning!  A chill is in the air, the sun is shining, I'm up early and ready to face the day.  It does get better, it does get easier and time marches on.

I am grateful this morning for family and friends who stand beside me, who love me in moments that I hate myself, who have given up trying to figure me out and accept that I am weird  and set in my ways!

I am optimistic that life is promising me yet another opportunity.  I am looking forward to getting to know a very nice man who makes me feel special and wants to make me smile.  He is my opposite.  Reserved, professional, down to earth, logical and predictable. Where I am outgoing, bohemian, head in the clouds, heart lead and very unpredictable.  I told him I will teach him to fly and he can teach me to keep my feet on the ground.  We communicate very well and have both decided that is the key. We are looking for the same things in a partner and neither of us wants to change the other.  We are excited to spend some time together just getting to know one another!  We are looking forward to making some great memories on this trip and establishing a lasting relationship.

Closing another chapter in my life and starting a new one has not been easy.  Closure for me has been elusive.  Matthew's death, letting go of Daniel to live his life, ending my last relationship, and even learning to be on my own have challenged me in ways I cannot even explain.

I know I am strong, I know I will survive, I know I will move forward.  I want to be happy.  I want to smile and mean it.  I want to get through the day without tears. I want to put my anxiety and my worry and my sadness behind me.  I want to experience deep peace. I want to enjoy that inner calmness that has evaded me for so long now.  I can sense it's near.  I can almost feel it for brief moments.  I long for the ache to leave my heart. 

I have room in my heart to love again, and I want it to be a pure love, a sweet love, a giving love. A love that knows the peace and calmness I am searching for.  A love that comes easily.  A love that will be returned, honestly and completely.

I don't know what tomorrow brings, none of us do. For today I am living my life, I am loving, I am willing to take one more chance. I am glad I am where I am, even though I struggle, I am coming out ahead of where I was yesterday.  It's another chapter in my life, the book is far from finished....I am sucker for a happy ending....Life is good!!!!