None of Your Business

I remember telling my kids and my friends, more than once, "What others think of you is none of your business." Only to now find out it is rule #2 on the list of 7 cardinal rules of life. Do I practice what I preach? I feel I do practice this rule pretty darn well! Because to be honest I really don't give a flip what others think about me probably 97% of the time. But even 3% of unnecessary concern or worry is more than I want in my life.

I find it funny to watch people's expressions when I do or say something that surprises or shocks them. I am such a people person, very open and willing to share what's going on in my life or my thoughts, as they pertain to ME. I am not, however, a people pleaser. When asked I will tell the truth as I see it. I am not saying I am always right, far from it, but what I say is the truth in my mind. If my friend tries something new in fashion and they ask me what I think, I tell them what I think. I would never intentionally hurt their feelings and might try very hard to sugar coat a bad review, but if I didn't like it they would know it.

I do not go out of my way to push my opinions on others. After all if it's none of my business what they think about me therefore it is none of their business what I think about them. I don't have the time (okay maybe I do have too much time on my hands most days) or the energy to make sure they know what I think about them. My friends all know that I love them and in doing so I don't judge them and I accept them as they are. Yes once in a while some of my friends do foolish things (as do I)and I might have some negative thoughts. I don't rush over and tell them. Why? Because it's none of my business. And it's none of their business what I think. If they want to know what I think they will certainly ask me. Then I can offer only my opinion. They can take it for what's it worth.

I know people who don't think very highly of me. You know what? I don't care. I don't expect or want everyone to like me. If everyone liked me I would think I had to be fake somewhere along the line, or at the very least compromising some of my beliefs. By the same token there are people out there that I don't like. A lot of the people I don't like know it. And I don't care that they know it. I will remain civil to them as long as they don't push. I don't have to like everyone. I don't have to tell them why I don't like them, that's my business.

The person I have to please, and believe me when I say that's not always an easy task, is ME! The person I have to listen to and answer to is ME! It is my business what I think about me and what I have to do to succeed in making me happy. If I am too busy worrying about what everyone else thinks of me I miss what is important to me. Have I made the right choices for me? So-and-so thinks I need to do this or that and I should feel this way or that way. No! It doesn't matter what they think, they are not living my life. They are not taking my journey. They don't answer the questions asked by my heart. 

Don't get me wrong, I struggle often. If I want advice or feel the need for intervention or support I will ask. I will listen. I will heed sound advice. I will take that advice and make it my business and apply it to my circumstance. 

Living in a small town I often hear things that are truly NONE of my business. I don't like gossip! I don't care how many people know a certain person and all of their baggage I don't want to hear it, unless the person comes to me and tells me their self it is NONE of my business. It is none of my business even when they do tell me actually, and many times I don't want to hear it then!! If I can help you in some way I will certainly try my best. If you need to vent I can understand that and will listen....if it's about YOU! Please don't come and tell me everyone else's business, it is none of my business and I don't want to think about it.

I have strayed from the subject at hand, guess I needed to go in that direction for a minute. All I am trying to say here is it is none of my business what others think about me. It doesn't matter and it doesn't change who I am. I am not one of those people who has a different face for different people. I am the best me I can be most of the time. I am good at being me. Lately I had lost focus but I am back on track. I am moving full steam ahead to make self discoveries about me and what it is I want out of life. I can't be bothered wondering who approves and who disapproves of me and what I am doing with my life.

This is my life, my one and only life. It has not always been the best. I still make mistakes. I still make bad choices, I know this better than anyone. So think what you will, because I don't care what you think, it's none of my business. Don't worry about what I think about you. It's my life, it's my adventure and what I think is all that counts at the end of the day. Still doing it my way, regardless of what you think!!

My Past is Behind Me

Make peace with your past or it will surely screw up your present. 

That is rule one in the seven cardinal rules of life. In my search for peace, understanding and acceptance of myself I ran across these rules and they spoke to me. I have decided to explore each one as it pertains to me, to dissect it and apply it to my life.

My past. When I am happy I remember lots of good things in my past. When I am sad  my memory is filled with pain and sadness. I suppose it would be superfluous to make peace with the good things as those memories bring joy even in sad times. Obviously I have to make peace with the not so good things in my past.

It is hard to erase negative, a lot of it I believe I have dealt with and made peace with. I believe I have made peace with the actions that were hurtful and painful but not sure I have completely forgiven the people or circumstances behind the actions.  It is hard to forgive what you don't understand. 

I do know that the people who directed my young life did the best they knew how. They were ill equipped to make decisions regarding my future. They did what they thought best. I need to grasp that concept and discard the feelings of inadequacy that plague me even to this day that I just wasn't good enough to be permanently a part of one family. It had absolutely nothing to do with me as a person.  I now believe that, except when I am feeling low, then it grabs me and gives me a good shake. Now that I have knowledge I must use that knowledge to guard my well being. Now when I feel the tentacles of inadequacy from my childhood trying to wrap around my thoughts I will ward them off with thoughts of how I learned to show love and make a safe, loving, caring, nurturing home for my children and how, like any parent, I made the best of every situation to do what was best for them. That part of my past no longer has power over me.

Now onto my 1st marriage. Going into my marriage I was sure that I would be the best wife ever! I wanted nothing more than the happy home, hubby and kiddos. Where things went wrong I'm not sure, nor does it matter at this point. I need to put into perspective why I chose for so many years to blame myself. I never chose to be abused, verbally or physically. I never asked for it.  I never deserved it. Okay, logically I get that. However deep inside I have felt that I did it wrong somewhere along the line. A man doesn't just start lashing out on his wife without reason. A husband doesn't just start hitting his wife for no reason. I had to have doing something wrong. This one I think I really have a handle on. I know that my husband had, and still has, a problem with alcohol. I know that his aggressive behavior worsened when he was drinking. I dodged him many times but sometimes he caught up with me. It had nothing to do with me as a person. Yes I did not deserve his anger and rage. Yes I should have gotten out of it. In the end he left me, devastating me beyond reason. I had failed and I took it badly, very badly and very personally. In the years that followed I came to believe that he did me a favor in leaving. Although it took me a long time to find myself again I was a far better person than the cowering woman I had been with him. I have forgiven him and hold no ill will. That is as long as my heart and mind are in a good place I don't. I have to learn to never peek back at this, as it is not a true reflection of who I am or even who I truly was. My guard against this time will be to remember the good things that came from those years. My beautiful daughter, my oldest son, family and delightful memories. These were gifts that far outweigh any pain or hurt.

When it comes to Matthew I can think of no way he could he screw up my present. My memories of him are pure and true. Only by continuing to grieve so deeply and by holding on to the past can I hurt my present. These are things of my own making. When I am hurting I miss his as much as ever and I close myself in with those precious memories and unfulfilled dreams. In death I have placed him upon a pedestal and still depend on him to some extent to care for me, guide me and protect me. Logically I know he is gone, he is powerless to care for me and will never be here for me again. In my fantasies he will lead me through until I find happiness again. Who is setting whom up here? Matthew is my past, my wonderful, loving, trusting, happy past. Not something I feel I need to make peace with. Yet I do need to let go. I can better honor him by moving on and living life. He would so disapprove of my withdrawal from life and looking down on myself. I have to find peace, I have to know he's in a better place and I have to make my life a better place for me.

The past has nothing to do with what happened between me and David. He made a choice based on his past not on me. He made that choice not because I wasn't good enough but because he wanted what he had in the past.  I could not compete with his past.

My past is behind me. No more looking back and placing blame and believing the lies of the past. The past can only hurt me if I allow it to. The hurts are healing or all ready healed and no longer have a hold on me.

With the help of my therapist and my dear friends and family I will learn to keep the past at bay. I will learn to love myself for who I am and not worry that I am not enough. I will live my life my way and I will know that I am living it my way...the right way for ME. 

My past is behind me, I have made peace with it and it will NOT screw up my present!!

Happy Birthday Baby

Happy birthday to my sweet Matthew. Tomorrow you would turn 51 and not having you here to celebrate is so very very hard my love! Whoever said it gets easier is so very wrong. And with the anniversary of your passing coming nearer my heart cries out with pain and emptiness. It still cannot accept your absence. It still loves you as it always did and it still aches for you. 

This last couple of months have been extremely difficult for me Matthew. You know what a baby I am and how much I need to have someone to care for and spoil. You know I was never cut out to be alone and it has been so hard. I thought you had sent me someone. I thought I would not have to see the holidays, your birthday and your passing anniversary alone this year, but I guess I was wrong. I will tell you that having someone even for that brief period made my heart lighter, and then losing him made me miss you and what we had so much more. I want that again, I know I am blessed to have had you and our story was a true love story but baby I am so lonely. I miss you every day and every night. I miss that feeling of being loved and cherished. You were so great at letting me know how much I meant to you. You were so loving and understanding and giving. Do you even know how much you meant to me. Did I tell you enough and show you enough how much I loved you? Because you did me. You told me, you showed over and over again how much you loved me! 

Baby what I wouldn't give to have you here with me right now so I could tell you happy birthday. So I could hold you in my empty arms and smother you with kisses. To see you smile and hear you call my name. To feel your touch on my cheek, your breath on my face your lips on mine would be sheer heaven. 

I'm trying sweetheart, and I know I will survive, but I want to do more than just survive. I want to be happy again and find love again and I know that you want that for me too. I am asking you to give me a gift on your birthday, please let me know that you are still watching over me. Let me know that you still love me and want me to be happy and fulfilled again. I am so lost tonight, so grieving for you sweet Matthew. Tomorrow you will surely be on my mind throughout the day. Tomorrow I will sing to you and celebrate the years I did have you.   I love you Matthew now and always. You are always in my heart.  I'll see ya baby....xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxxoxo. 

Scattered Pieces

Time to put my life back together! I know what I want. But to be honest that's about all I know for certain. I need to gather the pieces of my life and put the picture in my head together so my life can make sense again. In essence I am putting the puzzle of my life back together.



I have to take pieces from the depths of despair, from my head and heart, from lessons learned, from past mistakes and from my dreams and somehow connect them together to make my future. And not just any future, not a future filled with the same unrealized, unmet hopes but a real future with love, happiness and that deep peace that I so quest after. 

Every life event that I have experienced has had an affect on my thoughts, my heart and my life. Some events have made me stronger, some I have learned valuable lessons from, some taught me things I need to remember and some have taught me I need to let go of certain things. If placed into the puzzle correctly even the most horrid experiences can help complete a wonderful, fulfilling, bright future. I need to remember that in order to write my entire book I have to live each chapter.  I have to complete the puzzle to see in detail the whole picture. I cannot throw away the pieces that were painful or hurtful. I cannot throw away the pieces that are hard to face because of guilt or anger. All those pieces are necessary because they made me who I am and even with imperfections I am amazing and wonderful and deserving and belong in the completed work of art which is my life!

I have hope now that the scattered pieces of my existence can and will be placed back together with meaning and purpose so that I can, not only see my future, but participate wholeheartedly and enthusiastically in making it the life I truly want. My life, that I will live out and enjoy with all that I have! My life to live my way!!

What Do I Want?

With my relationship hopes with David over I find myself questioning "What's next?"

To answer that question I find I have to ask myself more questions. What do I want? How do I go about getting it? Where the hell do I begin?

Like everyone else, I want to be happy. So what do I think will make me happy? The obvious answer is a man.  What kind of man? I want a man that will love me back. I want a man who will accept who I am. A man who will love me quirks and all. An open, honest man who wants to share life's ups and downs with me, kiss away my tears and hold me when I am scared. I want a man that can make me laugh and lights up when I enter the room. A man that likes surprises and practical jokes, who will act silly right along with me.

I know I need to be satisfied with myself before expecting someone else to be satisfied with me. I know I can't depend on someone else for my happiness, but I also know that I am happiest when I have a special man in my life. I enjoy having a man to cater to, to care for, and love. I HATE not having a man in my life. Call me weird, call me crazy and label me old fashioned and co-dependent I don't really care. I am the one in my skin and I'm okay with feeling the need for a partner to walk through this life with.

Yes, I know I have lots of people who love me and care about me. And I have lots of people that I love and care about. Not to diminish that, but it's not the same thing as having someone to share life with on an everyday basis. It's not the same as having a loving partner that kisses you good night every night and good morning each day. It's not the same as having someone right here right now when you need a hug or a gentle kiss. Many people think they understand, but most of them truly don't.

I have to say that David set a very high standard. A standard that I am unwilling to compromise. He had amazing qualities and treated me like I want to be treated. We did things that I enjoyed and I want to continue to do. I want someone to travel with, to go out to dinners with, to snuggle up next to to watch TV. Someone who listens when I talk and tells me his honest opinion when I ask for it. I want someone with honor and the convictions to do what's right. He treated my like a princess and I could get used to that!

Finding someone is a challenge that I have got to be willing to commit to. I cannot sit here in my safe little world and expect my prince to come riding through the hallways in search of me. I cannot and will not settle for less than I deserve. I am through with free social sites!! And most importantly right now, I WILL take my time and not fall for the first guy who comes along. I am not desperate, but am determined to find the right man to get my last "first" kiss. My eyes are open, my heart will heal in time and be ready for the next step.  I have to be proactive and stop being reactive! I have to listen to my intuition and follow my heart.

Today my be the 2nd day of the new year, but it's the 1st day of the rest of my life. A life that I look forward to living. A life, that starting this very moment, I will be more in control of. I can do this, I can find what makes me happy and I can do it MY way. It's my life and I am going to make sure to live it fully!!