I sit here this morning and the day begins with the brilliant colors of the sunrise. A day that could hold promise, reason and begin a dream. Only for me the morning holds only sadness and dread. Dread of another day of loneliness, another day without that special love, without that reason for being. Because in my morning if you don't love and have that love returned you are nothing, void.
When did my life become so blank? When I put all my dreams in one man and he chose to walk away from me. Showing me yet again that dreams and happiness for me are just a myth. To even venture to love again after losing Matthew was a huge step for me. I tried in vain to force it with an unavailable man, disaster from beginning to end. But with David it was easy. He is so easy to love, so accepting, so in need of someone to love him and guide him to places he has never experienced before. He gave me a purpose, a reason to get up in the morning, the desire to enjoy every little thing and share it with him. Being without him yesterday was hard but I managed, I thought quite well. Then we were talking and just like that he was gone. Why does he do that....doesn't he know how insignificant that makes me feel? Why is my world so totally upside down? Why do I feel like I cannot live without this man? He reawakened something in me that had laid dormant and I obviously missed it. I totally feel like a large chunk of me is paralyzed. I have moments where I feel I can't breath without him.
But to him, I am door number 2. The option, the back up plan. I know I should run for the hills but I'm frozen in this place, longing for what we shared, it was only going to get better. I don't understand!!! I am a person, a living breathing person with needs, and feelings too. Why should my needs come last? When he was with me and she was not in the picture I was his priority...but then in one phone call, I am nothing, no one, not even worth phone time? I don't know what to do. I have tried to do as he asked, but he just can't seem to do anything I ask. She has him blinded and I don't care how many years they HAD they are two different people now and this can not end well, I'm sorry just my feelings.
I can't continue this right now or I will be breaking a promise I kept and I refuse to do that. I love him, I won't break my word to him.
Remember this, you could be throwing away something very very good for a piece of the past that was had not been in tact for a long time. I know you feel you must complete this...I hope you don't realize too late that you threw me away for nothing.
