As I write this in the wee hours of the morning I weep tears of regret and hurt, of longing and rejection. I feel my heart will surely burst from the pain. The questions bounce around in my brain the answers are no where to be found. The confusion is growing to enormous proportions. The emptiness is threatening my sanity. I'm so tired and I so don't want to do this anymore. This thing called life is sheer torture! How much more? Please tell me how much more do I have to endure?
I beg Matthew to come for me. I cry out to him to come take my hand and take me with him, to hold me in his arms and shelter me, to protect me from anymore suffering. Why? I hope for death. I am committed to not hurting myself, physically at any rate, but I do beg for death to come in the night, to take me away to where the pain stops, the expectations stop, the needs stop.
My obsession to have that someone special in my life has overshadowed every other aspect of my life! Why? How does this happen? Why is it that every good thing seems so small in comparison to having that special someone? Why can't I put it in perspective? I feel like some needy reject! This "not good enough" mentality is killing me. The second guessing every thing I do and say, the rehashing of every failure, every broken promise, every good intention. I find myself going over every moment spent with David, trying to find the reason he made the choices he made. What did I do wrong? What didn't I do right? I know I am suffocating. I am well aware of that fact, yet I seem unable to control it.
I need the pain to stop! I hate the holidays. They are bad enough and with everything else going on it's more than I can deal with in a reasonable way. Everything is compounded, complicated and feels so wrong! For most people I put on the "face". I try hard to act at least okay, when in reality I am so scattered, aching inside, wishing to die, scared to death that this is all there is.
I know deep down inside I am still holding on to hope that I will be rescued when I have reached my absolute limit! Is that realistic? NO! I know that I am the answer, but I can't see. Right now I can only feel and it's not good! Why is it that the worse I feel the more people tell me what a good person I am and how I deserve so much, yet I don't seem to be able to get what I "deserve"? What am I doing that is so wrong so despicable that my life is in such shambles? I am so lonely, feel so worthless, hurt so badly, have no clue what to do next.
I am so tired, so very very tired.
