It's been a while since I posted. The reason being I don't know where to begin. I don't know where I am, what I am doing, what I want or where I want to be.
Frustrated, lost, anger, resentment, restless, nothingness, deprived, alone, and defective. Words describing what I have been feeling lately. A far cry from the words I wish for to describe my life. Circles, I have been moving in circles, thinking I was moving forward each day, only to realize I have gotten nowhere.
To be fair to myself, I have made some positive changes. I have taken control over my health. I have been eating much much better, lost some weight and put exercise into my plan. So outwardly I have something positive to show. But on the inside ....sigh.
I have grown impatient with many people around me. Almost cynical with some people who make promises I know they will not keep. Even little things make me doubt their definition of being a friend or even a concerned acquaintance. I have become short with people I love and care about. I seem to have lost that edge I have always had of pointing out negatives in a positive way. I am hurting and don't care if I step on toes. I feel neglected and resentful. I think I am reaching out but obviously (to me) no one sees that. I'm tired. Tired of trying to balance. I am angry with circumstances that I have no control over and wondering how the hell to care without over spending emotionally.
As in my blog referencing life being a checking account I am overdrawn!!! I am in the red!! I don't know how to earn deposits to get back into the black!! I find myself making decisions that I am unable to keep. I see myself seeking change that I cannot seem to implement. My thoughts have a life of their own, not knowing when to shut off!
Yes I am an emotional mess right now. Just when I thought it safe to let myself be happy and at peace I have lost my ever-loving mind! Not any one thing, not any one piece of the puzzle causing all this inner chaos. Many fragments, many little aggravations, many little disappointments coming together to loom as failure to my quest for happiness and peace.
Then I wonder; Am I one of these little aggravations to someone who loves and cares about me? Just one of the many they may be experiencing? Am I taking more than I am giving in return? Am I making promises I am not keeping? The answer is probably I am. Am I doing it on purpose? The answer is NO! Therefore, are my friends and family letting me down on purpose? NO! Do they even realize they are? NO!
Time to put my big girl panties on and stop being the guest of honor at my own pity-party and put it into perspective. I and I alone make my own choices. I and I alone am responsible for those choices. And I and I alone read the actions of those around me. If I expect more than I am getting from someone I am setting myself up. I have to accept the fact, that just like myself, people mean well when they make promises and tell you they are there for you. Then life happens and you are not a priority. Get the hell over it Judi and be your own best friend. Be there for yourself! Make the most of every situation. Put on your Matthew glasses and see the BEST in everyone and don't take it personal when people disappoint you.
Wow...this is so not what I intended this blog to be when I began!! It never ceases to amaze me what comes out when I sit down to write. Cleansing of the soul often. Airing out the cobwebs. Looking into the mirror and seeing a bit clearer what others might see.
I am glad to have this chance to open the windows of my mind from time to time. Even when it sounds crazy and makes little sense to many, it may help someone to realize that some of the things in there life aren't as bad as they think either.
After all, I woke up this morning and have made it all the way to late morning. I have not exploded into nothingness and still have things to look forward to, even if not my fantasy life. I have family and friends who love me, even if they are not perfect. I see life for what it is....an imperfect opportunity to live, learn, laugh, and love. It is what it is and can only be changed by ME. It is my imperfect life, it will NEVER be perfect, but I experience many perfect moments!!! I will live for these moments...it's my life and today I will live it!!!
