Past, Present and Future Collide

Seems my life is a huge loop. What goes around keeps coming around. I have been unsuccessfully chasing the illusive dream. Stop the world I want to get off. Why doesn't it just end?

As yet another year comes to a close I find myself wondering why things happen the way the do, why can I not accept things as the are and why I am always wanting what I can't seem to have?

I wish I were optimistic about the new year. I wish I had great hopes and visions of peace, love and happiness. It appears my rose colored glasses have been misplaced and my romantic heart has come to accept that romance is, in fact, a thing of the past. 

I have had special relationships. I have experienced joy in them, great joy, unfortunately it was always temporary. It always came to an untimely end. I was never ready to let go, but the other parties were. Weather as a child looking for a family to belong to or as a girl hoping for that special friendship that would endure for a lifetime, or as a wife wanting a husband forever or a woman looking for the right man to spend the rest of her life with I've been sorely disappointed. The past has brought much pain in all of these circumstances.  The present continues the tradition. The future is almost unthinkable to me.

I know I am supposed to let go of the past. I try and at times I think I have truly succeeded. But it keeps catching up to me! I think I've dealt with and suddenly it rears up and looms before me in the form of present disasters! My head says, "see, it's happening again!" The questions begin again and I am thrown back to the "not quite good enough" bin again. That's when I think it is of no use to even try, everything ends up the same way. Not quite reaching my goals, not quite making it to happy, not quite whole.

I'm weary, worn out, used up. I've given all I have to give. I've given when I didn't even have it to give. I want someone to give to me. Someone who sees I am worthy, I am valuable, I am deserving. In every relationship I have had I feel I gave my best. I know I am not the easiest person in the world to get along with, I know I can be selfish and unreasonable, that does not stop me from giving my best. It will however deter others from doing the same. 

This present relationship has taken a huge toll on me. I have never had someone sing such high praises of me and then treat me so badly. With his words he tells me how wonderful and deserving I am. His treatment of me when we were together was amazing, thoughtful and caring. Yet now his action convey to me that I am nothing. Not worth the consideration to even let me know he is okay. Instead following the rules set down by strangers to keep me at a distance. Keeping me totally in the dark. Waiting and wanting and hoping. Blindly I wait. Wanting him to wake up and realize what we had was a great beginning that should not go unfinished. Hoping he will come back to me.  What a fool I am. I can't bear the thought that again I am left wanting, not ready to believe it's over, just like all the other chapters of my life, not finished by me. Left standing there with only my memories, my unrealized dreams.

I see why I am not looking forward to the future. I see why ringing in a new year seems a terrible waste of time. I hope with all my heart those I hold near and dear have bright, happy, successful new years. I hope they have love, peace and joy in abundance. As for me, I hope I can recover some joy and replace this pain with some peace. I will be happy to be able to hold my head up and say, "this is my life, I have lived it.....it's not always been my way, but I have survived it." 

My Greatest Accomplishments

The morning began with a sunrise that rivaled the great works of art! The vibrant colors woke my senses to the beauty of Mother Nature's handiwork! The beauty faded with the white glare of the sun reflecting endlessly off the sparkling white snow. Snow lay everywhere, on the ground, on the rooftops, in the trees, shining and glistening, unspoiled by footprints. It lay before me like a clean slate where I could write the stories of my heart, stories of hope, of love, of adventure and of life.

The powers that be have given me moments where they have blessed me beyond belief. The birth of my four children being, without doubt, my shining hours! No matter how many times you are privileged enough to witness the miracle of birth it is always just that, the biggest miracle of them all! A life giving miracle that forever changes one life and gives a new life a beginning. I was chosen to give life to four extremely unique, loving, individuals who have grown to be their own persons. Just like the plan called for, all four are capable and good, kind and caring. All four bringing pride to this mothers heart. Memories of their growing up are plentiful and bring much joy to my heart.

What if I had not been so fortunate?  What if I had not met their fathers? What if I hadn’t had the experiences in my youth that shaped me to be who I am and raise my children the way I did? How would it have all turned out? I have no way of foretelling what might have been. I do know however, that I am proud of my children. I am proud of the part I had in raising them and molding them. I am glad to know in my heart that I did the best job I could when it came to caring for my children. I know that whatever sacrifices I made I made with conscience effort to do what was best of them.  I have absolutely no regrets!

Today I will be happy in the knowledge that I did a great job raising my children and that they are my greatest accomplishment!

I seem to spend a lot of time lately looking at my failures and shortcomings but today I chose to focus on my favorite job of all time, the job of being Mommy, Mom, Mother or even Nana or Grammy. There are no awards, no statuettes, no bonuses, but there is that pride, that sense of true accomplishment when your grown children look at you and tell you they love you.

This day of my life is dedicated to my beautiful children, Leanna, Rob, David and Daniel and to my wonderful grandchildren, Jaylyn, Kayla, Kyle, Casey, Zachary and Quyn….here’s to you all, my greatest accomplishment! I love you more than you will ever know, I am so incredibly proud of each and every one of you. You are always and forever in my heart!

This may be my life and I may be living in my way but I will always think of my children and grandchildren in choices I make that may affect them. It’s my life and I love my children!!!

Almost Over

Christmas is behind me, only New Years Eve and Matthew's birthday yet to muddle through...from Thanksgiving until Matt's birthday is an awful long time. I know that this years trek was longer and more painful because of the issues I had losing yet another perspective love in my love. An issue still unresolved in my heart as well as  my head. Something that I need to decide once and for all how to deal with before it takes me to the depths of despair that I can not escape from. 

Meeting David Heath was one of the better things that has happened in my life. He is an amazing man, with patience, of which I have fewer and fewer these days. He is kind, loving, gentle, generous, respectful, considerate and caring. I thought we had something going for us, especially after spending that month together in PA. That was our plan at any rate. When I left PA to return home to WI our plan was that he would come straight here upon completion of his assignment at Three Mile Island. We were going to spend a couple weeks here at my place and then travel to his place in IL for a couple of weeks. 

We talked daily about our plans and how much fun we had together and our future, making plans for the holidays and for several trips in the foreseeable future. One day I noticed he did not seem himself and I asked if he was okay. He told me he just didn't feel very talkative and was tired and ready to come home. I knew something was not right!

This feeling lasted for over a week and one Saturday morning he was not responding to my text messages and did not answer the phone. I, afraid something had happened to him, phoned the office of the hotel we stayed at. I was informed he had checked out the weekend before! Shock ran from my head to my heart to my head again!! I felt sick and panic consumed me. I thought this cannot be real. He is NOT the kind of man who would play a sick game on me like this. The thought that maybe he takes a different woman on each trip entered my mind but could not take root there. What was going on? Why? I had to talk to David!

I sent him a text which read, "What is wrong David? I know you checked out of the hotel a week ago! What is going on?" Not getting an answer sent me into an even bigger state of anxiety. I phoned but the call went right straight to voice mail. I left a similar message but added the question, "do you take a different woman each time you go back there to work?" 

I had left a suitcase full of clothes and souvenirs with him when I left that he was bringing home to me. After several more unanswered text messages I threatened to call the police to retrieve my belongings.  That got a response but it was not the response that I was expecting, I never would have expected the news I received.

He told me that the week after I left he got a call from his ex wife asking him to go to some kind of counseling program with her. She said they had had some good years and that she was puzzled as to why he never fought her on the divorce, which was her doing. She had him served when he was on another assignment in PA 3 years before. He told me that at first he told her no but that she kept on and he finally agreed. My mind was screaming, my heart was beating like a freight train and my eyes flooded with tears. What was he telling me?! I had a million questions but the few I managed to ask were vaguely answered and I could tell he was almost as confused as I was. David is a total logically brained man. He kept telling me he really thought he needed to do this out of respect for her, after all they had a long history and she had his children and some other logic dribble that I can't remember, and how he didn't want the family to think he didn't cooperate! Whatever the hell that means!! He said his biggest fear was telling me as he didn't want to lose or hurt me but his feelings of really needing to finish this were overwhelming.

I begged, I pleaded and made a total ass of myself. I couldn't think straight to save my soul and I thought my heart was literally going to burst! He told me he had serious doubts but that he had agreed and he felt he needed to see the thing through. He said that he needed me to be strong and that if his doubts were true he would need me to be healthy and happy so he could come to me if I hadn't moved on, which he wouldn't blame me if I had! Are you kidding me? Moving on was, and still is, the last the I want to do. 

To make a long story short, we continued to talk and text. I talked with my therapist for endless hours on the subject and cried more tears than I ever thought I could, I have no clue how I still have more every single day. 

Finally one day he agreed to bring my things that I had left with him when I left PA. I told him I wanted to cook him dinner and that we could have a nice long time to talk and decide what to do next. Sigh.... 

He came, I looked like hell, huge bags under my eyes from hours of crying and many sleepless nights. He too looked worse for wear. But our hugs were beyond words and kisses had a story of their own. We held each other for a long long time, I sobbed, he swallowed hard and we held on for dear life. Finally sitting on the couch I snuggle into him as close as I could get and stared up into his anguished face. I mustered up enough courage to ask him if he loved her. He said no, he did once, but not now, not like he loved me. But, that crappy word but, he really felt he needed to do this. I asked a few more questions, all of which he agonized to answer. And finally I asked the only one that mattered..."Baby, what do you need me to do?" Tears threatened to spill from his eyes as he told me he wanted me to go on with my life and be happy. He said I deserve to be happy. But I was happy!! He said he would come to me when it was all over and he would hope to find me happy and if I hadn't found someone else he would be mine.  

I know, I know....I know it wasn't a promise. My feelings for him had not changed, I know they probably should have but they hadn't. I still wanted him and the relationship we had begun. I reasoned he was worth the wait!

With the go ahead from my therapist I put into place a short period of time where I took a mini mental health vacation. I took no call, emails or text messages. I spent time doing little things for myself, by myself an dealt with NO outside drama. I wrote, took walks, browsed around stores and markets. I slept whenever I felt, read and took long hot baths. I cried.

Upon finishing this journey I was ready to reenter the world, slowly as it be, I contacted David and was once again shocked by his words. It seemed that he had begun the counseling program and that the counselors had told him he was NOT to have contact with me during the course of the counseling. Wow! Of course not...how can you brainwash someone if they have contact with the enemy!  When did I become the enemy?

I was devastated! And that is putting it mildly! Sheer panic took over my every sense! I couldn't breath, I couldn't speak, tears blurred my vision. I couldn't think, I wanted to lay down and die!! I took meds and went to bed. I couldn't deal with this, didn't want to deal with this and wanted nothing more than to give up, stop caring, stop crying and stop living. 

The holidays are coming, my family and friends are worried half to death about me, what the hell am I going to do? I'm gonna put on the strong face, I'm going to go about doing the things I need to do, I am going to fake it. So with my heart a total mess, my thoughts scattered in every which direction I forged on. Yes I cry easily, and I am not so good at hiding it anymore, but I still move on.

I bought my gifts. I helped make a special gift made for Leanna that I actually enjoyed doing for her. I shared some wonderful quality time with Zachary and Quyn! I made some holiday treats. I did what I needed to do. On Christmas Eve I broke the rules and sent David a text message to which he responded. It was a positive response in my book and I let it encourage me for the moment. I got through Christmas and did enjoy it for a while. Coming home afterwards, sitting here alone with my memories both good and bad, imagining what it could have been, what I wish it could have been was not easy, but all necessary to find my balance I lived through it.

Yesterday, the day after Christmas I took down all my decorations, packed them with care and as I put them away I was hoping with all my heart that next year will be different. 

I trusted David! I think I still do. That is where all this hurt and pain comes from. Yes I saw another man for a good long while, I fell in love with him, but he was NEVER mine, I didn't trust him, how could I, he didn't belong to me. But with David he did, and I believe he still does belong to me.  No matter how hard he works he will always have the memories we made together in PA. He can't erase how he felt about me, the things we did together, the laughter we shared. She didn't want him anymore and she tossed him aside. I think he will remember that. I know he is trying to be fair, and I don't hate him for that. I miss him terribly!

I have a long way to go, but I will say this.....I, for now, am trying to do what is best for me. If I knew my future I wouldn't have to work at it, I wouldn't have to be sad or worried. I know a lot of people who say I deserve this or I deserve that, I don't know about any of that anymore...I want to be happy, I want to be loved by someone special and I hate being alone. Those are the facts, pure and simple. It's still my life, it's MY heart and I will muddle through whatever it takes until I find what it is I'm looking for....I do KNOW that I will NOT settle, I may continue on kissing frogs in my search for my prince or I may just sit and wait for him to find me....at this point it is what it is....my life, doing it my way!!!!

Today's Battle

Sadness. How does sadness manage to creep into ever crevice of my life? I move along going about my day or evening or even in my sleep and suddenly I am sad! Not just a little down or a bit blue but overwhelmingly sad! So sad that tears are ever present in my eyes and in a fleeting moment they are running down my face, flowing freely, hot scalding tears. One moment I am enjoying an activity and in the blink of an eye I am fighting anxiety and tears from some memory or rush of feelings that over takes me like a freight train. 

I hear a song and it sparks a memory and I'm in tears. A movie scene, a phrase, a dream even a scent can summon the sadness that envelopes me and threatens to send me over the edge in to a full fledged melt down that can last for minutes, hours or in some cased days. It's like that nagging little headache some people suffer with. Always there, annoying and always threatening to grow more painful.

Yesterday I fought that sadness as best I could. I told myself "I will not cry today." I won the battle for most of the day. At dinner, which I shared with my wonderful grandson Zachary, out of the blue I looked up at Matthew's portrait and suddenly missed him so much I could not swallow my food. I felt the tears well up in my eyes and the sadness covered me from head to toe almost instantly. Zachary noticed right away and asked me if I was okay. I told him I was, but I wasn't. I was so sad I could hardly breath. I had to tear my eyes away from the portrait and force my thoughts to my dinner, which had lost all taste and appeal.

When I went to bed and tried to concentrate on some sappy Christmas movie the sense of sadness stole my focus and I ached from loneliness. Thoughts of lost love stabbed at my heart. Wondering if I will always feel like this the tears threatened to flow. "I will not cry today" I screamed in my brain! 

Finally welcomed sleep came. Suddenly I was searching for someone, a dense fog surrounded me as I blindly reached out calling several names, my heart pounded and legs shook as I stood in the darkness and the sadness took me to places I did not want to go. In agony I reached out for the faces that swirled around me. Not quite touching them, not quite able to see clearly who they were. I awoke with the hot tears running down my cheeks, gasping I tried to catch my breath and regain some sense of where I was. The voids in my life, the empty places in my heart have been over taken by sadness. Where joy once resided is now over grown with empty sadness and I have to fix it.

I am desperate to have some control over these waves of sadness. As a new day dawns and I sit here in the darkness I find myself dreading the day, dreading having to be ever on top of this sadness. Again today I have the goal to not cry. Get through the day, get through the holidays....surely there is more than this....

For the moment I am where I am in my life. I don't know how long these struggles will last. I don't know what tomorrow may bring. I do know that I want more. I do know that I deserve more and I hope with all I have to be in a better place soon. Baby steps? Perhaps. I have heard it said that through struggles we are learning...I should be pretty damn smart by now. I will face today a minute at a time. I will fight each battle as it comes. For each battle that I win today brings the end of the war closer.

Accepting the Challenge

Today the void that has become my life is not acceptable to me. So I have challenged myself to enjoy some sort of positive all day today. I will have to apply myself for that to happen. 

I started the day by making myself stay in the bed instead of getting up at 3:45 when I woke up. I need to adjust my internal clock. I am tired of going to bed between 6:00 and 7:00 PM and waking up between 2:00 and 4:00 AM. When I get up at that hour there is nothing to do but let my mind question my very existence, my self worth, my failures and shortcomings. The whys and wherefores echo through my being coming back so bleak I can barely breath. There is no reasoning in the darkness when you feel so defeated, so alone so utterly worthless.  So I stayed in the bed, willing myself to not cry. Telling myself that I am strong and that this too shall come to an end. 

When I did venture from the confines of the covers I came into the living room to greet the most amazing sunrise! The colors from vibrant orange to an incredible bright shining pink woke my senses to the beauty of the morning. I used to love the sunrises so. That is one of the reasons I love my apartment. Sunrises start the day, the new adventures not yet begun. Observing the sunrise this morning reminded me of the task ahead of me today and started me off in the right direction. 

Not wanting to have a scheduled plan but knowing I had to set some basic moves for myself today I formulated some ideas of what to do to keep me pointed in a positive direction. I will do 5 miles on the treadmill, I have done 1 so far! I will eat 5 small healthy meals today at 3 hour intervals, I have had my first. Those are positive things to keep my health on the front burner. I did get on the scale and was not happy with the numbers that greeted me, BUT...that being negative, I did not dwell there, just set my mind to work harder on bringing those numbers back down again, something I KNOW I have been successful at and can do again!

I am watching one of my favorite movies for the umpteenth time, Sweet November.

I am going to spend some time on my laptop exploring places that I am considering moving to. Yes I do see a move in my future.

I am going to write some letters to some people that will hopefully help me deal with some unresolved issues. Who knows if they will ever read them, but it helps me to get some crap off my mind.

I am going to make some Christmas goodies. I am going to read some uplifting stories out of the Reader's Digest that I started yesterday.

I am going to tell a guy who I have been talking to online that I am not interested and not regret it! I KNOW he is not for me so why keep dancing around it.

I am going to run a little gift over to my BFF and tell her I love her.

I'm going to pack up some stuff that I no longer need or want to get it ready for the next trade day here in our building.

I challenge myself today to be myself, to love myself, to be comfortable with my decisions. I have made some rough choices lately. Only I can decide which choices to stand by and which ones to change. Only I know what makes me happy, what I want and what I am willing to do to have it. Knowing that I can only control myself and accepting that is a battle for me, but it's a battle I must fight in order to win the freedom I so need to get through each day. I know a lot of people who think I don't have self respect but they are so wrong. I do respect myself, I do accept the facts that I am not perfect, I do know I have my moments of downright insanity, I do know it is not easy to always love me or even like me, but I also know that's what makes me who I am. I know I am one of the most compassionate people ever. I know that I am accepting to a fault and far too trusting. I know when I love I love 110%. I know I will sacrifice my happiness for someone else's. I know I wallow, I withdraw, and I have fabulous pity parties where I am the only guest. I am a survivor, I am stubborn and want to do it my way. Today I am glad I am who I am, any less of any of these traits and i might not be here today.  I am who I am, I am going to do it my way, and today I will do what I need to do to be positive. I accepted my own challenge today!! It's my life and today it is all about doing productive and positive things my way!!

Christmas Time Memories

Thinking this morning about Matthew and about how we never know what tomorrow might bring. We have no clue who will be celebrating their last Christmas this year. Someone we know and love could be gone next year. So it has crossed my mind that now is the time to make memories! Show those we love how much we love them and how special they are before the opportunity is gone forever and regrets fill the space where memories should live.

When I think about Christmas of 2009 I always think "I had no idea that would be our last Christmas." Come January 8th, Matthew's birthday I am so glad that for one of the very few times I gave Matthew a really special birthday celebration. I had no way of knowing that we were celebrating his last birthday. We had a great Christmas, we had a fabulous birthday weekend and I have those wonderful memories to keep my heart alive. Now I need to make sure that I make heart warming memories with my family and friends. Matthew will always and forever be apart of my holidays, and a void will remain but he would want me and his family and his friends to enjoy the holidays and love each other and keep traditions and make more of those memories. 

For me I must make that effort, and I vow that I will make the effort to make this Christmas a special, loving and memorable one. Even though I am struggling again this year that is not the memory I want to leave behind. So it's time to look forward and make some plans to make this Christmas as loving and joyous as possible. It's my Christmas wish to make it the best Christmas for all those I hold near and dear! It's a challenge and I fully accept it! It is my life and my Christmas and I will make it a good one!

So Tired

As I write this in the wee hours of the morning I weep tears of regret and hurt, of longing and rejection. I feel my heart will surely burst from the pain. The questions bounce around in my brain the answers are no where to be found. The confusion is growing to enormous proportions. The emptiness is threatening my sanity. I'm so tired and I so don't want to do this anymore. This thing called life is sheer torture! How much more? Please tell me how much more do I have to endure?

I beg Matthew to come for me. I cry out to him to come take my hand and take me with him, to hold me in his arms and shelter me, to protect me from anymore suffering. Why? I hope for death. I am committed to not hurting myself, physically at any rate, but I do beg for death to come in the night, to take me away to where the pain stops, the expectations stop, the needs stop.

My obsession to have that someone special in my life has overshadowed every other aspect of my life! Why? How does this happen? Why is it that every good thing seems so small in comparison to having that special someone? Why can't I put it in perspective?  I feel like some needy reject! This "not good enough" mentality is killing me. The second guessing every thing I do and say, the rehashing of every failure, every broken promise, every good intention. I find myself going over every moment spent with David, trying to find the reason he made the choices he made.  What did I do wrong? What didn't I do right? I know I am suffocating. I am well aware of that fact, yet I seem unable to control it.

I need the pain to stop! I hate the holidays. They are bad enough and with everything else going on it's more than I can deal with in a reasonable way. Everything is compounded, complicated and feels so wrong! For most people I put on the "face". I try hard to act at least okay, when in reality I am so scattered, aching inside, wishing to die, scared to death that this is all there is.

I know deep down inside I am still holding on to hope that I will be rescued when I have reached my absolute limit! Is that realistic? NO! I know that I am the answer, but I can't see. Right now I can only feel and it's not good! Why is it that the worse I feel the more people tell me what a good person I am and how I deserve so much, yet I don't seem to be able to get what I "deserve"? What am I doing that is so wrong so despicable that my life is in such shambles? I am so lonely, feel so worthless, hurt so badly, have no clue what to do next.

I am so tired, so very very tired.

Isle of Unrealized Dreams

I wonder if there is a place for unrealized dreams. You know like the Isle of Misfit Toys? If there is such a place I need to place my unfilled dreams there before my heart explodes with the pain and sorrow of all my dreams that have met tragic endings. Dreams that never reached happy endings, dreams that were only dreamed by me, dreams that lived only briefly in my heart or fleetingly in my mind. Dreams squashed by others selfish needs, dreams I suffocated, dreams I gave up on, and dreams that were too lofty for such as I.

I sit here this morning and the day begins with the brilliant colors of the sunrise. A day that could hold promise, reason and begin a dream.  Only for me the morning holds only sadness and dread. Dread of another day of loneliness, another day without that special love, without that reason for being. Because in my morning if you don't love and have that love returned you are nothing, void. 

When did my life become so blank? When I put all my dreams in one man and he chose to walk away from me. Showing me yet again that dreams and happiness for me are just a myth. To even venture to love again after losing Matthew was a huge step for me. I tried in vain to force it with an unavailable man, disaster from beginning to end. But with David it was easy. He is so easy to love, so accepting, so in need of someone to love him and guide him to places he has never experienced before. He gave me a purpose, a reason to get up in the morning, the desire to enjoy every little thing and share it with him. Being without him yesterday was hard but I managed, I thought quite well.  Then we were talking and just like that he was gone. Why does he do that....doesn't he know how insignificant that makes me feel? Why is my world so totally upside down? Why do I feel like I cannot live without this man? He reawakened something in me that had laid dormant and I obviously missed it. I totally feel like a large chunk of me is paralyzed. I have moments where I feel I  can't breath without him. 

But to him, I am door number 2. The option, the back up plan. I know I should run for the hills but I'm frozen in this place, longing for what we shared, it was only going to get better. I don't understand!!! I am a person, a living breathing person with needs, and feelings too.  Why should my needs come last? When he was with me and she was not in the picture I was his priority...but then in one phone call, I am nothing, no one, not even worth phone time? I don't know what to do.  I have tried to do as he asked, but he just can't seem to do anything I ask.  She has him blinded and I don't care how many years they HAD they are two different people now and this can not end well, I'm sorry just my feelings.

I can't continue this right now or I will be breaking a promise I kept and I refuse to do that. I love him, I won't break my word to him. 

Remember this, you could be throwing away something very very good for a piece of the past that was had not been in tact for a long time.  I know you feel you must complete this...I hope you don't realize too late that you threw me away for nothing.

Unheard

I just awoke terrified, crying out,  tears streaming down my face, who was that fleeing from my bedside? Not  long ago I met with a medium that told me at times of stress and uncertainty in my life Matthew sits on the edge of my bed watching over me. Was it Matthew?  It felt like David. Whoever it was they moved swiftly and I longed for a moment with them, longed for them to give me some reassurance that I am not going to always experience such fitful and unfulfilled sleep.

The numbness of yesterday is subsiding and full panic is creeping into my brain and heart as the tears flow freely now. I didn't think there were anymore tears, I have to have shed buckets of them already.  The desire to text David is overwhelming yet I know at some point I have to stop. I don't want to. I don't want to give up on him, I keep thinking in my fairy tale way that he will realize he loves me and that he is risking our happiness and that he will be here at my side telling me over and over again that he was so wrong and that I really am enough and all he needs.

I still try to makes some sense out of her timing? Did she sense he was moving on? Did she have someone in her life for a while that didn't work out and now she too knows loneliness?  How could she throw someone out of your life only to decide when it is convenient for her to tell him "he" owes her a chance to get back together?  What total selfish logic. So they had a life, so they had kids, so they weren't happy, it happens every day to thousands of people.  You go on, you remain friends life does not end as you know it. She has taken something precious from me and I hate her for it. She has taken something precious from him, never once thinking of his needs or the fact that he may have other plans for his life, thinking only of her selfish wants. There are no kids coming into play here.  I had 2 children by 2 different husbands, they are grown 2 of those children's father is not involved in there lives and the the father of the other 2 has passed away.  I do ok without them, not that it is always easy but they are not there.  At least David is there for his child....he does NOT need to be there for her.  

Why can't he wake up and see she is chasing the past. Something that once was? They can't regain their youth, their lost passion, there carefree existence.  What does she want?  There is more than meets the  eye here and I can't stand the thought that he is somehow being duped.  This wonderful man that has an innocent little child there in is spirit that wants to be with me and get excited over little things and learn to fly.  He has paid his dues, he deserves to be happy and I just don't think it's with her. He has always worked hard, he took care of his family and his responsibility let him be done now...let him enjoy being with someone who wants to put him first in every aspect, who's soul mission is to make him happy thus making herself happy as well.  I can't do this everyday, wake up feeling this pain, this loss, this emptiness.  I can't mourn his loss every time I think of him and a memory of our wonderful moments together wash over me.  

I told him I will wait, and wait I will.  I told him I will try to live my life as I was when I met him and I will, hopefully the melancholy will decrease and some joy can once again come into my life. My loving 100% is not always a good thing.  I am left bruise and afraid to trust and oh so very very hurt and lonely.

Holiday time is already such an unsettling time for me, how will I ever make it through. People tell me there is someone out there for me, I thought I found him, I know I did but yet again I lost him. 

I am not blogging for sympathy, I am but venting my feelings, trying to make sense of something that my heart just can't untangle. Trying to understand why one person has to endure so much pain when all she wants is to love someone with here whole heart and be loved right back. David you know you love me.

I do believe in happy endings, and someday I will have mine, maybe not until I join Matthew. It may not be all about my way, it may be my life, and I may be trying to live it my way, but maybe I am just too small or too unimportant to be heard.

This Is Not My Way

Ever feel like you cannot endure one more moment of your life as it is? Ever wish you could just vanish into thin air? Ever cry so hard that you think you might implode? Ever wish you were someone else, anyone other than the hurting mess you are? Ever feel like life is waiting to knock you down for the very last time? Ever feel that no matter what you do it's not right? Ever feel that you are just never good enough? Ever just want to give up?

Yep, that's precisely were I am today, at this very moment. To be honest I don't know how I am still sitting here working on this blog. What I want to do is scream to the top of my lungs, shake some people until some sense enters their brain and announce to the entire world that I MATTER!! But first I have to convince myself of that little detail. Yes I've been in this exact spot before, yes I am continuing to work with a therapist on this issue, yes I am sick and tired of it! I think I have it conquered and along comes some event, some person, some hidden memory that throws me headlong into the worthless heap I am right now. 

At times I truly wish I didn't give one shit what anyone thinks about me.  I wish I could escape loving anyone. I wish I didn't give a hoot about right or wrong and just did whatever the hell makes me feel good at any given moment! I know people like that and they seem to be happy or oblivious or just completely unaware or uncaring about anyone around them. At any rate they seem to worry about nothing. They enjoy their life and I continue to struggle.  What the hell am I doing wrong? 


Why do I have to have a heart that is made of glass and why do the people I let in have such good aim? My heart gets shattered every time. You think I would learn, you would think I would be a recluse and just give up. If only it were that easy.  

Today I am not living my life my way...today I am broken and hurt and wondering where I go from here. I have been asked to be patient, I have been asked to trust and I want to, but I'm scared, very scared! One more rejection, one more loss, one more and I just don't know.....

I Can't Ignore the Struggles

Struggling today, several days actually. Very glad I have therapy tomorrow. Can't find reason, can't find clarity, can't stop the words tumbling around in my head. The words are negatives, lies and hurtful. They grow in strength and magnitude. They bite at my peace and threaten to ruin my resolve. They make me question every truth I have come to believe. They diminish my worth and are challenging my very existence. 

Not only am I fighting my own demons I find myself overwhelmingly involved in battles that are not mine to fight. Wars that are none of my concern nor of my making. Totally outside my circle of influence. 

Inner turmoil, that is fueled by my ever increasing self doubt, is causing me to look not forward, but over my shoulder and way back into the past.  A past long ago closed. A past unchangeable by any means. A past of pain, weakness and sorrow. I don't want to dwell there and for the most part I don't. For some reason it is haunting me again, revisiting my conscientiousness and stirring emotions that are tearing my heart apart. My head knows it's all a trick. My brain tries to get my attention to shift. My heart begins to panic. It constricts with pain and sends doubt flooding into my thoughts. The tears begin to flow.  The questions consume my every fiber. The enormous dark shadows hide the sunlight and I am alone, destined to remain as such. 

My mind is screaming! You aren't good enough, you have never been good enough, you are so close but just not quite there, nice but not nice enough, there is someone just a little better than you. Someone a little smarter, a little classier, a little thinner, a little pretty always a little something more. 

I have blown all this out of proportion. It can't possibly be as bad as it sounds, yet if feels worse than it sounds. I take what is said to me and I hold it under the microscope and find every possible way to make it come out as harsh and hurtful as I can. I prepare myself for the worse case scenario.  And then I remember, I take stock of every other hurt, every other circumstance where I have been taken for granted and abused and left and used and I know that this will be no different. The rose glasses that usually sit on on nose are laying in pieces, smashed by reality.

I'm scared, scared to count on anyone. I hate the fact that I want to rely on someone so badly, that I want someone to be there for me, to love me, to want to share life with me. Why can't I just be content with who I am. Guess I'm not even good enough for myself, isn't that ironic? I don't know how to take care of me. Must take care of everyone else can't take care of herself.

But I do know that I have set boundaries for myself that are not negotiable. I do KNOW that I will NOT harm myself. I do KNOW that I will get through this, just like always. I KNOW I have come way too far and have the ability and strength to keep moving forward whatever jumps in my path trying to deter me from whatever good lies before me. I want that good life again. I know it's out there and I'll have it again...and I'll have it my way.

Yes I am struggling right now, I expect on some level I always will, but somewhere out there is a person who will be willing to hold me and lend me some strength and never condemn me for doing so. I think this very moment I have come to realize that it's all apart of who I am, maybe it's time I accept that part of me?

Pull It Together

I am still here in PA.  I am having a really nice time.  Yet I am down?  I feel like something is missing. Why?

As of today David and I have been seeing each other for 2 months. Still getting to know one another. No red flags, no obstacles, no deal breaking behaviors. Nice. Safe. Easy. I enjoy his company, he seems to enjoy mine.  We laugh, talk, hold hands and our silences are not awkward. It is fabulous to go to bed together and wake up together. He is a snuggler just like me!  He is kind, giving and considerate. He is intelligent and very logical. He tells me how sweet and kind I am and how much I spoil him. He always asks me where I want to go and what I want to do. He is a planner and a bit obsessive/compulsive but that is not always a bad thing. We really are opposites but it has not presented any problems. Not outwardly at any rate.  

I am feeling a bit stifled. Even though he seems to enjoy my sense of adventure and my excitement over little things I find myself wondering if I'm a little to silly for him.  He is much more reserved than I. My zest for life and enjoyment of traveling and seeing new things, experiencing new places takes over and my awe and wonder spill out! I don't want to change who I am. He's not said anything to lead me to think he objects, it's just a feeling I have. I wonder if he is just too kind to let me know that he finds me immature and silly. He said I brighten up his life a lot.  Why can't I accept that he meant it? 

I am hoping I am just experiencing a little homesickness and that I am not seeing clearly. Part of me feels that I am borrowing trouble where there is none. It's like it all too good to be true. I'm afraid to believe that it's all good. Where's the but? I tell myself, "Judi!  What the hell is wrong with you?"  I'm here in PA with a man that seems to thoroughly enjoy being with me, treats me very well, holds my hand in public, holds me at night, thanks me for everything I do for him, talks about the future with me in it and tells me how great I am.  And I'm looking for flaws? I'm waiting for it to all fall apart. I'm looking for an ulterior motive. Oh I hate this...!!  

Maybe by writing this all down it will help clarify my thoughts a little.  I feel better seeing some of David's positive points, of which he has many! I need to quit looking for promises and happy endings and live for today, today that is sweet and fun and filled with enjoyment. I KNOW that there is no promise of tomorrow, no promise of smooth sailing, no promise of undying love. I know there is not always over the moon connections and fireworks filled skies. I also know that life is good, as good as you make it. My life is good and I will make the absolute best of it!! Feeling down is a bump in the road and I will deal with it. After all it is the first day in 2 months that have felt like this, that is a great thing! Moving forward, even slowly, is better than going backward or even standing still.  Life is good, live it as such!!!

Seeing Clearer

Getting away from everyday life is such a breath of fresh air.  Seeing things from a distance and being away from home brings a new perspective. A break from the mundane brings a newness, a uniqueness and a certain joy to my being. It brings hope and life to my dreams and to my plans for a future.

Sometimes when I am in the same place for long periods of time I find myself thinking there is nothing more.  Things stay the same, become stale and the status quo is all there is.  Nothing to look forward to, nothing new to feel or see.  Being in a rut with no way out. Hopelessness in the form of sameness. 

Now that I am in PA and with someone who shows affection, consideration and interest I see things magnified. Being with someone who puts my interest, my needs and my happiness first is almost overwhelming.  I have to keep pinching myself. Is this what I have been missing, is this for real, is this what it is supposed to feel like? We can talk about anything and everything.  Compliments are so very nice! Holding hands everywhere we go! Even just sitting together while doing our own thing is so satisfying. He has time to text me during his work day. He wants me here next to him every spare minute.  He finds me interesting and wants to know more about me. He likes the little things about me that make me who I am. We have a mutual admiration for each other, and the desire to make the other happy. We have respect and value each other as a person.

I wish I could say my heart doesn't give me some grief and that my thoughts don't stray where they don't belong. For it takes time to get over somethings. Especially things that go on for a long period of time. Things that are deeply embedded in your heart. Even though those things are hurtful they served a purpose at one time.  Accepting that they are over is a process. I feel in total control over that process and know that it is over and one day it will be completely out of my system. I will be able to look back and say with all certainty that it was good for a time, it was best ended and that NEVER again will I settle for less than I deserve. NEVER again will I love someone who only takes and NEVER again will I waste valuable time on someone who does not want the same things I do.

I have yet another chance for a committed relationship here at my fingertips. For now we are enjoying being together, getting to know one another and figuring out how to work together to get the most out of our relationship.  We aren't pretending to be something we aren't or trying to make something happen between us that isn't there. Two intelligent adults who are looking for shared enjoyment, togetherness and commitment.  We bring out the best in each other. We are opposites in that I lead with my heart and he leads with his head.  Simply put, I will teach him to fly, he will teach me to touch down once in a while. He delights in my delight and I in his!

We are living life...together...and learning...together...and laughing...together...and we are loving it!!  Life IS good, especially when shared with someone special. Not only do I have someone special ..I am someone special!!!  Life is good...Live it as such!!!!

Waiting

You know, I have come to realize that I am not very good at waiting for most things.

Good things come to those who wait? Yes they may come, but the agony of waiting makes it come so slowly!! Prolonging the gratification is hard. I find I whine, I sigh, I piddle, and I piss and moan. I'm sure my friends are tired of hearing the number of days, hours and minutes before my next adventure! I count down in sleeps, because when my kids were little that's what we used for them.  Christmas will be here in 15 more sleeps, we would tell them.

I am trying to contain my excitement, but not much! I have big hopes for this trip and my dear friend pointed out she hopes I am not disappointed. I suppose that is a possibility, but as always I have on my rose colored glasses and can see nothing but promise ahead of me. After such a long wait I cannot even begin to think it will be nothing but a great experience! 

Go into any new experience expecting the best, but prepared for the unexpected. Mmmmm that's an interesting phrase. I am going on this trip expecting to expand on a new relationship. We met, we like each other and we want to get to know each other better. We both hope a deeper relationship is the result. We know what we are looking for in a partner and are both expecting to have a wonderful time! So how would I prepare for the unexpected? I already have my return flight booked. Worse case scenario I come home early.? I don't foresee that but if that's being prepared then I'm prepared. I am just one of those people that expect the best and if the worse happens then I muddle through. 

Whatever happens happens. If I have learned nothing else in this life it is that I cannot control anything but myself. And at times I am not very good at that. But life is going to happen, and I'm going to make it through and make the most out of it. I am going to go on this trip, be myself, enjoy myself to the fullest and make great memories with a man that I not only like, but that has shown me generous interest and a desire to form a lasting relationship. Yes, we have moved rather fast, but you know...we aren't spring chickens and we are both intelligent people with no other ties so why not jump in and see what happens? We are already friends and enjoy each others company so if we stay just friends that's okay too.

You see, it is my life and I can never have too many friends in my life. I need people to care about and love and make memories with. I'm living my life for me. And I only have to wait 3 more sleeps to begin yet another adventure!!!   

Ooops I Got Distracted

Some of those beautiful things in life that I was speaking about in my last blog distracted me from completing it!

Being totally consumed with my upcoming trip to PA and trying desperately to keep myself busy I jumped at the chance to go out with a great friend and totally forgot to finish my thoughts.  When I came back from my outing I assure you writing more would probably not have been a good thing as I don't have a breathalyzer on my  laptop, and boy do I need one sometimes!  The next morning, without much thought, I simply clicked publish not even realizing I hadn't finished writing.  So, now that I have reread what I was trying to say is I am so glad that I do have so much beauty in my life.  That the beauty does in fact shine and the ugly negativity is taking a back seat to much more positive things in my life. 

It's a shame that so many of us take the everyday beauty in our lives for granted.  I had a friend one time that said she never had seen a miracle.  I guess it all depends on what we consider miracles to be. Whenever I see a newborn baby, a gorgeous sunrise, a couple in love, the beauty of friendship, the changing seasons, a smile from a stranger or even hear a song I love it brings thoughts of miracles to my mind.  To me miracles are those little things that bring joy into my heart, pleasant memories to my mind, and smiles to my senses.  Things that remind me how wonderful it is to be alive, well, happy and have the ability to love and care and give.

Yes at times I see far too clearly the negative things in my life, but if I step back, take a deep breath, turn my focus to the beauty I know is there I realize, a lot quicker than I used to, that life is so very good. I know that I am blessed with so many good things in my life.  I am learning that I deserve these good things. I am learning to enjoy them and embrace them!  I know life has many more good things in store for me, and I'll not hide from them, but will open my eyes and my heart and accept it all.

My life is filled with good, with beauty and joy.  I am happier today than I have been in a long time and I know that it's only to get better. This is my life, and I am going to live it!!

There Is Always Beauty

Why is that at times, even when things are looking up in life, I continue to look at the negative?  Why does the negative loom larger that the positive?  How do I reverse this?

I am so excited about my trip I can hardly contain myself!  I have done a lot of packing and preparing. I have figured out my budget. I talk to David daily and we talk about out plans endlessly. I have been keeping myself busy, or at least trying to. And yet I find time to mull over stupid little things that bring me down. Things I have no control over, people I have no control over and relationships that I am not sure of. 

Then I saw this......

So now again I need to focus on what's beautiful in my life. I am so very grateful that I have my health, especially when I know I have dear friends who fight health issues.  I am quite active and pretty proud of what I am able to do physically. I have gorgeous talented children and grandchildren, and even though I sometimes worry about them, I am blessed! I have a host of friends and family that love me and care about me, so why do I think about the ones that don't. I have an apartment that I love and can afford, so why waste my time wanting more. 

Another Chapter

Good morning!  A chill is in the air, the sun is shining, I'm up early and ready to face the day.  It does get better, it does get easier and time marches on.

I am grateful this morning for family and friends who stand beside me, who love me in moments that I hate myself, who have given up trying to figure me out and accept that I am weird  and set in my ways!

I am optimistic that life is promising me yet another opportunity.  I am looking forward to getting to know a very nice man who makes me feel special and wants to make me smile.  He is my opposite.  Reserved, professional, down to earth, logical and predictable. Where I am outgoing, bohemian, head in the clouds, heart lead and very unpredictable.  I told him I will teach him to fly and he can teach me to keep my feet on the ground.  We communicate very well and have both decided that is the key. We are looking for the same things in a partner and neither of us wants to change the other.  We are excited to spend some time together just getting to know one another!  We are looking forward to making some great memories on this trip and establishing a lasting relationship.

Closing another chapter in my life and starting a new one has not been easy.  Closure for me has been elusive.  Matthew's death, letting go of Daniel to live his life, ending my last relationship, and even learning to be on my own have challenged me in ways I cannot even explain.

I know I am strong, I know I will survive, I know I will move forward.  I want to be happy.  I want to smile and mean it.  I want to get through the day without tears. I want to put my anxiety and my worry and my sadness behind me.  I want to experience deep peace. I want to enjoy that inner calmness that has evaded me for so long now.  I can sense it's near.  I can almost feel it for brief moments.  I long for the ache to leave my heart. 

I have room in my heart to love again, and I want it to be a pure love, a sweet love, a giving love. A love that knows the peace and calmness I am searching for.  A love that comes easily.  A love that will be returned, honestly and completely.

I don't know what tomorrow brings, none of us do. For today I am living my life, I am loving, I am willing to take one more chance. I am glad I am where I am, even though I struggle, I am coming out ahead of where I was yesterday.  It's another chapter in my life, the book is far from finished....I am sucker for a happy ending....Life is good!!!!

Finally Done And Feeling Free

It seems that life is finally moving forward for me again.  I am excited with the path that I am on.  But I find myself on shaky ground when it comes to the past and the hurt left behind.  Anti-climatic would be the word to partially sum up my feelings. You see, he didn't even give me an opportunity to end it in a way that gives me the satisfaction of closure.  A coward to the very end, he has avoided me, keeping a safe distance away, as if he knows what's coming. I'm certain he knows it's over, but I wanted to be the one to say the words.  I wanted to be the one to tell him the honest truth, that he is, without a doubt, the most selfish man I have ever known.  He took all I had to give and gave absolutely nothing in return.  

In hindsight, yes I know perfect vision hindsight, I knew I was fighting a losing battle.  But as any woman knows "we" can love them enough to win their heart and change them into the man of our dreams! But you know what I learned, not all men have a heart.  It's true!  Some men have only the instinct to do what feels good to them at any cost. They don't care who they hurt in the process. A cheating man hurts not only his mate, but the woman he cheats with.  The families get hurt because they see someone they love getting hurt. 

Yes it is supposed to be all hush-hush and HE is probably good at keeping it under wraps, but she (being me) needs to talk with someone about her dilemma.  She needs a sounding board and some kind of validation.  She has a conscience and  knows in her heart of hearts that she is doomed.   She really does care what others think but is so unaccepting of any reasonable advice.  She is blinded by what she thinks is the love of a man, who if she really could see logically, who is CHEATING for heavens sake!!  Is he capable of true love when he is cheating on his own wife?  I ran across a saying early on in the relationship that said, "if you love two women, chose the second, because if you loved the first one, there wouldn't be a second".  As crazy as it sounds, I believed it!  I truly thought this selfish man was capable of love and that he loved me.  Why, because he said so, and was risking his marriage to be with me.  Holy shit!

At any rate, it has run its course, it has run way too long. It has hurt way too much. It has consumed way too much of my life.  Even after ending it 3 times, the last time even telling his wife (who apparently doesn't care, after all they haven't had sex in 6 years and she never even confronted him), he still pretends he cares and wants to see me?  I wanted the satisfaction of telling him exactly how pathetic he is.  How heartless and selfish he is.  I wanted to tell him he lost!  I wanted to tell him that FINALLY I am OVER him and that I have someone who not only appreciates me but who knows how to give back in a relationship. Someone who puts me first.  It is so great to be able to go out in public, to share this great man with my family and friends. He has already proven to be 100 times more of a man than loser man could ever be.

I thought that I would never get over him, but I have. For that I am so very grateful.  It took lots of baby steps for me to break away, but today I am running full speed ahead, yes ahead, not away.  Running  into a new future. This isn't the end of life as I knew it,  it's the beginning of life as it should be.  I will build a new relationship based on truth and honesty and mutual respect.  David and I have very open and honest communication.  We both know what it is we are looking for in a partner and neither of us will settle for less.  He is not the first man I have dated since the end of my affair so for those who worry about me jumping from the pan into the fire, or rebounding, be assured I know what I'm doing, my eyes are open, I have my big girl panties on and I'm looking to live my life, to share my life with that special someone that will come along and be willing to share the journey with me.  He may be waiting for me right now...and I'm pretty sure he is!  And you know what....he already knows that I live my life my way...and he's excited about that....Ahhhh life is so good!!!!  Wish me luck, although luck really has very little to do with it, as I venture forth and go to spend some time with my David in PA.  We are both really looking forward to it!

Happy Anniversary

Another anniversary!  Another special occasion! Another date!  
Even though not a day goes by that I don't think about Matthew there are those days that are so hard to get through.  The what if's the if only's the I wishes.
Today, on what would have been our 23rd wedding anniversary the wounds are open and feel so fresh. The pain and total unfairness are overwhelming.  And even though I have moved forward I feel like I am right back there again, knowing that my wonderful husband is dying and that I am powerless to stop it! Reliving it all from beginning to end. Still questioning, still searching for meaning, still grasping for some sort of understanding and sense to the whole thing.  I want to cry out "Stop", "wake up", "please tell me this is all a horrid dream". But then I realize this is my reality.  A reality worse than nightmare. The love I have to give is still beating in my heart.  My heart doesn't understand that he is gone.  It needs to love. It tries to love. It wants to love.  What a mess I have made.  I let my heart love someone totally unworthy of the kind of love I carry in my heart. 
I know that there is someone out there that my heart can love as it did Matthew and that Matthew will be happy to allow in my life.  I know Matthew wants me to be loved in the same way he loved me, unashamed, totally and completely, treasured, valued and never ending! I know that he will help direct me and that he will show me how to let that love loose again and to accept being loved again.
I know that Matthew's life was full and happy, he truly lived a lifetime.  I know he is sad that I miss him so much and continue to grieve for him, but I also know he understands and he comforts me and he is watching out for me.  He has closed doors that I should not have walked through, but stubborn me pushed through them anyway.  But Matthew has remained there beside me, never tiring of picking me up, perhaps shaking his head, but still smiling that Matthew smile knowing I'm gonna do what I'm gonna do...living my life my way, crap and all...lol  Life is good and I'm gonna make it better....Thanks Matthew for still loving me...for still having my back and for the memories....I love you

?? What's The Question Again??

I've tried and tried to find happiness and fulfillment only to find myself tired, unhappy and empty.

What am I doing wrong?  The bigger question in my heart and mind right now is; What am I doing right?

Seems to me if I were doing what's right my life would be in much better shape.

All goes back to choices I guess.  What became of those choices I made?

I dumped my married lover, which hasn't worked out so well.  Put myself out into the dating world, which is a whole story in itself.  Allowed people to hurt me with their opinions and words, must love the pain.  Threw several pity parties, where I was the only guest.  I continue to isolate myself most of the time, and wonder why I am so sick and tired of my life, which is pretty much nonexistent.

So let me see what I can do about all this.  My lover is still in my life, wasn't strong enough to end it once and for all.  His space is not as big as it once was and is getting smaller each and every day that I have no contact with him.  Even after I see him it is not as devastating when he leaves and I don't hear from him for days at a time.  Actually I feel kind of sorry for him.  But that's not my problem to deal with.  I need to deal with ME.  This  free space has provided me with the opportunity to get back out there and find the man for me.  So what I did wrong in this choice was allow him to stay in my life.  What I did right was put it in better perspective.  I told him I was going to start seeing other people and I have.

Thus I entered back into the dating game, and "game" it is.  I don't know why I, after all I am an intelligent woman, am so stupid when it comes to these ridiculous dating sites.  Just because I try to be truthful and open, I somehow forget that not all people are the same.  Did you know there are men on these sites that actually say they are looking for a relationship and in fact are only looking for a booty call?  Did you know they will lie to you and represent themselves to be something they totally are NOT?  Am I aware that this goes on?  YES!!  But do I get sucked in?  YES!!  What the hell am I thinking?  I think I'm taking it slow and easy and watching for red flags.  I back off and push the delete button when things feel out of whack.  I love the power of "poof" be gone when deleting a contact who has shown his true colors.  But they still sneak in.  Mindless, apparently having no conscience whatsoever, men who prey on lonely, trusting women.  Even after spending hours, days and weeks conversing, first online, then texting and finally phone calls when you finally meet, you still have NO clue who they are!!  It's easy at first to weed out the booty call men.  The screw it up pretty quickly by asking 3 minutes into the conversation, "what are you wearing?" Or "what's your favorite position?"  For doing what?  Are you kidding me?  "Poof"...be gone. Awww that feeling of power for that brief moment! Then you get the ones that last a little bit longer. They will talk to you about your job and where you have lived.  Ask about your children and your day and even the weather.  Then it comes, "So you want to meet at your place and watch a movie?"  No you cheap ass, take me on a date, out in public where I don't have to wrestle with you on the couch for my virtue!!  Well that's what goes through my head at least.  But because I didn't say that they continue putting their foot in their mouths by saying something like, "bet you are a great kisser and did I tell you I love boobs?" Yeah like I am gonna ask you over.  That's the ones you quit taking calls from and hide the fact that you still have an account.  Something else that works on scaring them away is to say something like, "you sound like my next husband!"  Then they block you and change their number.  But occasionally  you find one that you intuition, hours of conversation and curiosity leads you to believe could genuinely be a nice guy who maybe really is looking for a relationship.  These are ones too that usually like you and you feel very little for them (but again that's another chapter).  So you meet up.  And maybe it's good and maybe not so good and maybe just okay. And that's where my problem is!!  No matter which way it goes I ALWAYS feel responsible for any negative things.  If it goes good and we both seem to enjoy it I always seem to have wishes like;  I wish he were taller, I wish he kissed better, I wish he would have held my hand, etc.  And if I have enjoyed and think he did to and he doesn't get back to me in short order, it's like what did I do or didn't I do?  He doesn't like me, why? When it's like the date from hell that will never end I just hang in there.  What for? I know it's not going anywhere but I don't want to hurt this guys feelings, even though he has lied about everything, including his name and the ugly truth is staring me right in the face, literally, yet I play nice. No wonder I am so frustrated!!  Yup I'm still waiting for that knight in shiny armor to sweep me off my feet and rescue me from my "oh poor me, how I've suffered, no one will ever love me again life"...I am so angry with myself!!!  Come on old girl....just how desperate are you??  So what I do wrong has got to be trusting the wrong people and not being more selective (although I thought I was) in who I date.  I know there has to be a better way to meet people, but I don't know how.  So what did I do right?  I don't see a single thing I did right.  Oh wait...yes I do...I don't give away free samples....LOL!!

Well after the tirade of the "dating games" I'm too tired to get into the other areas, so will save them for another time.  I'm going to keep believing there is a sensitive, loving, caring may who is not perfect but perfect for me just out of my sight and that one day he will move close enough for us to catch a glimpse of each other and we will clasp our hands together to lead each other into the sunset.  This is my life, my adventure and I will continue to live it my way and embellish it with my fantasy ending.  Keep loving who you love and fighting for your dreams and hold on tight to all that's precious to you.