As the anniversary of Matthew's death approaches and I reexamine, for the one millionth time, where I'm at in this game of life, I cannot help but wonder where the time goes and why I feel as though I must have sleep some of it away.
I feel as though I must be stuck in some invisible trap, some limbo that prevents me from making progress to some unknown destination. I appear to be stuck in a rut that just gets deeper making it impossible to scale up the sides and find whatever it is I need or am looking for. The harder I try to make progress the more things around me materialize to make my forward movement stall. I impede myself in making change more often than not. Although I know this, it is NOT easy to reprimand myself and certainly more challenging yet to institute change.
It's like right now I set low expectations so I KNOW I won't be disappointed. Set the bar low and I don't have to try to hard to keep things on track. If I move the bar up then I must work harder to move forward. Some goals are much easier to work toward than others of course. My physical goals right now are a much larger priority over any emotional goals. They are much easier to focus on and seem much more doable at the moment.
I feel like the immortalized Scarlet O'Hara right now, I'll not think about that today, I will think about it tomorrow. Out of sight, out of mind. Sticking my head in the sand and any other appropriate cliche dealing with avoidance.
Again I find myself retreating into my own world. Keeping to myself, my mind racing every minute on trivial things. Forever searching for meaning, for substance, for worth. Still asking why, what if and wondering if someday I will be whole again.
I have reached a point of determination the last couple of days however. I have a plan for the moment. I am going to throw myself into my health, and into the breast cancer causes. I am going to dedicate my time to helping with the Gatorfest and preparing for The 3 Day in Chicago. I am going to use my passion to help myself feel better about me and my health and to help those fighting a real battle for their very lives. I am going to try with all that have to forget my woes and focus on something that matters.
This is my life, I cannot always change the things I would like but I can certainly learn to accept them or get the hell out. I can do more and I will do more. I make my own choices and am prepared to accept the consequences. My life has very good parts, no one has a perfect life. My life is mine and will live it, because life overall is GOOD!! Bad things happen, really bad things, but we cannot live there.....
