It has been quite some time since I last blogged. Again no specific reason. Life happens and I get side tracked and put it off. Before I know it months have passed. I have thought of writing many times and am sorry I didn't as lots has been going on with me. Lots of changes, lots of paradigm shifts, lots of life.
I suddenly realize I have a new sense of myself. New priorities, new goals and interests and an urgency for change. They say if you aren't happy things need to change and change can be a very scary thing. Especially when you change and those around you don't. I am no longer content to stand still and let life dictate to me. I want to shake up my life, take control and change for the better. This may lead to changing many things in my life. As my interest change I am no longer happy doing some of the things I used to do. I am happier alone than being with people I find less and less in common with and doing things that no longer bring me pleasure.
I have heard it said many times that some things are just for a season or two and when it's time to move on we know it. I have spent several very long seasons unhappy and not knowing it. I have always been a care taker and now that I have no one to care for it has become apparent that I need to care for ME. I don't need anyone's approval to change and make myself my priority. And if the people in my life don't like the changes I have decided to make I think that season has come to an end. There is so much more to life than I have experienced, so many things I want to experience and roads I want to travel. As humans we tend to limit ourselves. Be it fear or lack of imagination or commitments we allow ourselves to be overwhelmed with, we give up and stay stuck in life's demands and forget who we are and what we want.
I may not know exactly what it is I want at this very moment but I do know this isn't it. I'm so tired of excuses and complaining and wallowing. I'm so tired of this nothingness in my mind. This endless desire to do SOMETHING new, something challenging, something out of the ordinary.
I know I have changed a lot in the past months. I know some of my friends and family are wondering what's going on and why I've changed. It's not a bad thing. It's not them. It's simply me trying to emerge from the ashes and become independent, stronger and happier than I have been in a long time. I no longer carry the worries of all those around me. It's not that I am not compassionate, I always will be, it's just that I have finally seen people so consumed with the woes of others they can hardly function for themselves. People so fearful of everyday life that they cannot enjoy the simple pleasures for worrying about what "might" happen. Life is a gift and it is meant to be lived to the fullest, not dreaded, not placed on a shelf and admired, not put off until we get around it to but lived, and enjoyed and shared with those who have similar interest.
Being the heart lead person I have always been for far too long now I have let my heart blindly lead me astray. I have found a balance between my head and heart the past few months that I was not even sure existed before. Oh believe me when I say my heart and my head have battled more than once over this, and I do slip back into one-sided thinking more often than I care to admit, but I am making headway. I am happy with the direction I am moving. After all I'm moving in the right direction. Not going backward, and no longer standing still, paralyzed with doubt and fear. Baby steps, little mistakes, bruised feelings and days of uncertainty are a part of my journey but at the end of the day I see progress and that makes me happy.
I am head over heels in love with David. There isn't much I would not do for him. But for the first time in my life I have allowed myself to look ahead and say, "If this doesn't work out, I will not die. I will simply move ahead and find happiness on my own." I know it's much easier said than done. But I have to look where I've already been. I have to recognize what I have survived already. I have already learned to do much more by myself than I ever wanted to do. But I'm tired of being disappointed and I am working very hard on not disappointing myself. I no longer want to depend on others for my happiness. I know huh? Sounds like a grown up writing this! I know some of you are saying "I told her this before" and yes some of you did, but you know yourself self realization is what works. But thanks for trying.
Ultimately I have to say this is my life, and I'm pretty happy with it right now. I'm living my way because it's MY life!!
