After 2 days of crying and sleeping and crying some more I see that the world is still here. The sun is shining, the birds are singing and I'm sure somewhere someone is actually smiling.
As for me....well I have survived. Survived a hellish nightmare of my own making. Overreacting as usual, losing my mind when I would have been much better off keeping control of it and acting like a total and complete ass!
Reading between the lines, assuming, and looking into the future in my not so shiny crystal ball brought me to the point of total and utter ridiculousness! Ugly, threatening, nasty, words all spouted by ME! All because I didn't get my way! Really Judi, how old are you? How long have you played this game?
I presented myself as a total lunatic! And why? Because I have not wanted to ask questions that I have every right to know the answer to. I have not let my feelings be known on all levels. I have not wanted to make waves. I am assuming and he is doing the same. Yes that's healthy. Where is the communication that I so proudly claim I am so good at? Where are the boundaries that I plead with others to set and follow? Where is any independence on my part? Somewhere inside me in some unrecognizable place I suppose.
I am pretty sure I am wearing blinders, because that is what I chose to do still. And I am well aware that I am risking being hurt in a big way, but right now I don't care. Now I have to prove to both of us that I am not a wild, crazy woman who blows her top and is in need of a straight jacket, over some little thing.
I apologize to my man, I am sorry for acting like a crazy, spoiled, assuming bitch. We will talk this out and you will see I will keep my word.
Everyone tells me how strong I am, how I can get through anything, and by god I am! There is good in people, love to be had, and worlds of wonder to experience,
Life is good, I will live it.....even if not everything is golden at this point it's worth living to the max!!! Look out world here I come!!!
Monday, June 25, 2012
Saturday, June 23, 2012
Pleasing Others
Not possible!! We can only please ourselves! I know this first hand. No matter how much we give, others just take, take, and take.
I gave my heart, my love, my all and got NOTHING in return. Unless you call a broken heart and absolutely no self esteem left something. Who does this?
I am gasping for breath as I write this. I don't know what the morning will bring.....I wish it were death but I know I won't try that again. I promised, not only myself, but all those that I hold dear to my heart. But I have to admit it would be better than this!
Why, why do we put all of our hope and dreams into one person? Why do we trust ANYONE with our heats? What the fuck are we trying to prove?
I am devastated.
I didn't write on 6/22 because I was troubled and nothing came to me. I was blinded by something I thought was promised to me. I thought my life was good and someone loved me and needed me. But I was wrong, yes ME, I was wrong. I had my eyes opened and now I HATE what I see. I see that I was used in the worst possible way! Something that I thought I gave freely was abused and turned into something awful and tarnished. Someone I totally trusted and loved was not only untrustworthy, but also a selfish monster.
You see I was in love. Feel in love months ago. And he is married. Safely married. He offers nothing....she takes nothing. I gave EVERYTHING! He had the best of both worlds, I, as it turns out had nothing.
Do I show him for what he is, or do I learn a lesson and turn away and leave his world in tact? I want to destroy him, to hurt him as he hurt me. But I can't. I know a lot of people are going to say "I told you so". I don't want to hear it. I can't bear it. I am a fool. A stupid naive fool.
Trust NO ONE, believe NO ONE, love NO ONE! Now I am left alone, knowing I made another HUGE mistake. Not caring whether I live or die. Not wanting tomorrow to come. And who do I blame...ME!! I thought I was pleasing myself....I thought I was pleasing HIM.....
But in the end I have to believe life is good....let me find it...let me live it....oh please.....
I gave my heart, my love, my all and got NOTHING in return. Unless you call a broken heart and absolutely no self esteem left something. Who does this?
I am gasping for breath as I write this. I don't know what the morning will bring.....I wish it were death but I know I won't try that again. I promised, not only myself, but all those that I hold dear to my heart. But I have to admit it would be better than this!
Why, why do we put all of our hope and dreams into one person? Why do we trust ANYONE with our heats? What the fuck are we trying to prove?
I am devastated.
I didn't write on 6/22 because I was troubled and nothing came to me. I was blinded by something I thought was promised to me. I thought my life was good and someone loved me and needed me. But I was wrong, yes ME, I was wrong. I had my eyes opened and now I HATE what I see. I see that I was used in the worst possible way! Something that I thought I gave freely was abused and turned into something awful and tarnished. Someone I totally trusted and loved was not only untrustworthy, but also a selfish monster.
You see I was in love. Feel in love months ago. And he is married. Safely married. He offers nothing....she takes nothing. I gave EVERYTHING! He had the best of both worlds, I, as it turns out had nothing.
Do I show him for what he is, or do I learn a lesson and turn away and leave his world in tact? I want to destroy him, to hurt him as he hurt me. But I can't. I know a lot of people are going to say "I told you so". I don't want to hear it. I can't bear it. I am a fool. A stupid naive fool.
Trust NO ONE, believe NO ONE, love NO ONE! Now I am left alone, knowing I made another HUGE mistake. Not caring whether I live or die. Not wanting tomorrow to come. And who do I blame...ME!! I thought I was pleasing myself....I thought I was pleasing HIM.....
But in the end I have to believe life is good....let me find it...let me live it....oh please.....
Thursday, June 21, 2012
To Thine Own Self Be True and Set A Good Example?
That is most certainly an oxymoron! I prefer "don't do as I do, do as I say". Unfortunately the loudest words are often those unspoken. Little do we really know how our actions affect those around us so much more than our words of wisdom.
I think it is safe to say that most of us want our children and our loved ones to have the best of everything. Better than the things we had better than the things we experienced. And we often share this in words. But remember they see our choices, they see what we accept, what we endure, and the way we life. If we settle, they see that. Is that what we want for them? Do we want them to settle for anything less than excellence?
With my first marriage I did not set a very good example for my children, especially for my daughter. I put up with abuse, both verbal and physical. I put up with alcohol taking first place in his affections. I put up with him cheating on my. Did I want either of my children to put up with any one of those things? Absolutely not! Yet my actions showed them it's okay to live like that. After the relationship ended it was easy to say, I should have left, I should have put him out. But I didn't. I regret that to this day. I thought I was doing the right thing. Keeping my wedding vows, staying with a man that totally disrespected me. I was, I thought, being true to what I believed, but I was not setting an example I wanted for anyone I loved to follow.
I have friends that stay in relationships, again thinking they are being true to themselves, and as an outsider I find myself thinking, why in the world are they settling for this? Although I can't see it, they have their reasons. They are setting an example for someone, is it good or is it bad? Not for me to decide. But I challenge you right now. If someone you love follows in your footsteps, are they going to be happy? Is it what you want for them?
I am happy to say that the example Matthew and I left was a great one, and hopefully our boys and a lot of people who knew us use as an example. If my boys follow in their fathers footsteps I will indeed be one proud Mama!
I hope to lead by example. I know there are people that see things in a much different light than I do, and that's okay. In the long run I am happy, healthy and looking forward.
My life is good, very good at this moment. And I am living it!!
I think it is safe to say that most of us want our children and our loved ones to have the best of everything. Better than the things we had better than the things we experienced. And we often share this in words. But remember they see our choices, they see what we accept, what we endure, and the way we life. If we settle, they see that. Is that what we want for them? Do we want them to settle for anything less than excellence?
With my first marriage I did not set a very good example for my children, especially for my daughter. I put up with abuse, both verbal and physical. I put up with alcohol taking first place in his affections. I put up with him cheating on my. Did I want either of my children to put up with any one of those things? Absolutely not! Yet my actions showed them it's okay to live like that. After the relationship ended it was easy to say, I should have left, I should have put him out. But I didn't. I regret that to this day. I thought I was doing the right thing. Keeping my wedding vows, staying with a man that totally disrespected me. I was, I thought, being true to what I believed, but I was not setting an example I wanted for anyone I loved to follow.
I have friends that stay in relationships, again thinking they are being true to themselves, and as an outsider I find myself thinking, why in the world are they settling for this? Although I can't see it, they have their reasons. They are setting an example for someone, is it good or is it bad? Not for me to decide. But I challenge you right now. If someone you love follows in your footsteps, are they going to be happy? Is it what you want for them?
I am happy to say that the example Matthew and I left was a great one, and hopefully our boys and a lot of people who knew us use as an example. If my boys follow in their fathers footsteps I will indeed be one proud Mama!
I hope to lead by example. I know there are people that see things in a much different light than I do, and that's okay. In the long run I am happy, healthy and looking forward.
My life is good, very good at this moment. And I am living it!!
Wednesday, June 20, 2012
The Invite
I have received invitations to everything from Tupperware parties, to baby showers and everything in between. I consider myself to be very social and usually love attending these get-togethers to visit and see what's new. When you are alone under circumstances not under your control the rules of accepting invitations is a whole new ballgame.
When I receive an invitation it might seem a great idea to attend a gathering. If it is an event of primarily women there is a better chance I will actually attend. If it is more of a couples outing you can be pretty sure I will not show. And if it is something that Matt and I attended together or would have done together it will completely throw me into a tailspin!
Unsuspecting friends have extended invitations to things and I will say "Oh yes I would love to come." And I mean it when I say it, I really do. But later when I think it through I have trouble following through. For instances I have some lovely friends who Matthew and I did a lot of things with. We used to play games at each others houses, go out to dinner, have parties in our homes, go on outings and fish with them. I love these people! When I returned to WI from TX they invited me to several kids parties and I had every intention of going. I was asked to their home, I wanted to go. But I never made it. Finally a new member of their family invited me to a 1st birthday party for her child and I agreed to attend. RVSP and the whole nine yards. The day of the party I had a melt down. I had to take anti-anxiety medicine to get my crying self out of the door.
Once there I relaxed, thanks meds, and totally enjoyed myself. I watched the children wishing I had been around them more making a mental note to see to that that happens (and it hasn't). And then it came to me. I didn't want to be around these people because Matthew wasn't with me. I had a huge void and it felt awful! I wondered if I had hurt their feelings by not coming around and always being a no show. I still have not gone to them and told them that that is why I was avoiding them. I love them and wouldn't want to hurt them and know they would understand. It's just hard to put into words to them. I WILL do this.
So to anyone who has invited me to anything and I've not come or been less than a gracious guest I am so sorry. I have learned to say when invited to things now that I appreciate the invite and if I am able to I will be there. Because it may sound good right now but by the time it arrives I am in a different place and it doesn't sound like something I can do right now. Please understand that I am okay when I don't come to your party or event. I am just being ME.
Life IS good! And I am living it MY way!
When I receive an invitation it might seem a great idea to attend a gathering. If it is an event of primarily women there is a better chance I will actually attend. If it is more of a couples outing you can be pretty sure I will not show. And if it is something that Matt and I attended together or would have done together it will completely throw me into a tailspin!
Unsuspecting friends have extended invitations to things and I will say "Oh yes I would love to come." And I mean it when I say it, I really do. But later when I think it through I have trouble following through. For instances I have some lovely friends who Matthew and I did a lot of things with. We used to play games at each others houses, go out to dinner, have parties in our homes, go on outings and fish with them. I love these people! When I returned to WI from TX they invited me to several kids parties and I had every intention of going. I was asked to their home, I wanted to go. But I never made it. Finally a new member of their family invited me to a 1st birthday party for her child and I agreed to attend. RVSP and the whole nine yards. The day of the party I had a melt down. I had to take anti-anxiety medicine to get my crying self out of the door.
Once there I relaxed, thanks meds, and totally enjoyed myself. I watched the children wishing I had been around them more making a mental note to see to that that happens (and it hasn't). And then it came to me. I didn't want to be around these people because Matthew wasn't with me. I had a huge void and it felt awful! I wondered if I had hurt their feelings by not coming around and always being a no show. I still have not gone to them and told them that that is why I was avoiding them. I love them and wouldn't want to hurt them and know they would understand. It's just hard to put into words to them. I WILL do this.
So to anyone who has invited me to anything and I've not come or been less than a gracious guest I am so sorry. I have learned to say when invited to things now that I appreciate the invite and if I am able to I will be there. Because it may sound good right now but by the time it arrives I am in a different place and it doesn't sound like something I can do right now. Please understand that I am okay when I don't come to your party or event. I am just being ME.
Life IS good! And I am living it MY way!
Tuesday, June 19, 2012
The Wallow Hangover
A two day hangover!! Or in the case a wallow hangover! One that could have slipped right into a third day!! Unlike the usual hangover, a bloody Mary was not the answer to this over indulgence. The plop plop fizz fizz of Alka Seltzer wouldn't help. The answer lay in me. I had to make a conscience effort to move forward.
So after 2 days of dwelling on my losses and the holes in my life I decided enough is enough! Before I went to bed last night I had a talk with myself, pretty sure my neighbors think I am a nut case, "Self" I said, "pull you head out of your ass and practice what you preach"! So where to start?
I have recently found that walking is great therapy for my wounded soul. It is more fun to have a walking buddy most of the time, however sometimes it just needs to be me. But this morning I felt the need to have a partner. I controlled my excitement that began when I woke at 5:30, ready to get out and walk, until I thought my friend might not kill me if I texted her to walk with me. She didn't answer my text so I took it upon myself to walk to her house and knock on her door....ready or not it's time to walk!! Luckily she was about ready to get up anyway and also ready to get a walk in!
Walking and talking, assuming you can do both at one time, is so great. The time flies and before you know it you have walked 4+ miles!!! And the things you catch up on are priceless...lol. Your body feels great, you mind is refreshed and your friendship is strengthened! Not bad for a simple little thing like a walk right?
We parted ways with a hug, both feeling accomplished and a sense of self pride. See simple things do make your life better. I came in had an iced coffee and my mood couldn't be better. I am glad I made the choice to get out of the wallow fog and move into the light of life.
Life is indeed good!! Live it!!
So after 2 days of dwelling on my losses and the holes in my life I decided enough is enough! Before I went to bed last night I had a talk with myself, pretty sure my neighbors think I am a nut case, "Self" I said, "pull you head out of your ass and practice what you preach"! So where to start?
I have recently found that walking is great therapy for my wounded soul. It is more fun to have a walking buddy most of the time, however sometimes it just needs to be me. But this morning I felt the need to have a partner. I controlled my excitement that began when I woke at 5:30, ready to get out and walk, until I thought my friend might not kill me if I texted her to walk with me. She didn't answer my text so I took it upon myself to walk to her house and knock on her door....ready or not it's time to walk!! Luckily she was about ready to get up anyway and also ready to get a walk in!
Walking and talking, assuming you can do both at one time, is so great. The time flies and before you know it you have walked 4+ miles!!! And the things you catch up on are priceless...lol. Your body feels great, you mind is refreshed and your friendship is strengthened! Not bad for a simple little thing like a walk right?
We parted ways with a hug, both feeling accomplished and a sense of self pride. See simple things do make your life better. I came in had an iced coffee and my mood couldn't be better. I am glad I made the choice to get out of the wallow fog and move into the light of life.
Life is indeed good!! Live it!!
Monday, June 18, 2012
The Wallow Queen
Oh boy, talk about wallow?! Yesterday was the day for it! Sometimes holidays just plan suck! And yesterday brought out the poor pitiful me in an enormous way! No one could have possibly been wronged more than I yesterday. I have the fat puffy eyes to prove it!
I woke up thinking I had it by the tail. I had already written about my father figures and had dealt with so it was all good....WRONG!
Does the term 'abandonment issues' ring a bell? How dare these wonderful men who meant so much to my heart and soul just up and die on ME! And I am reasonably sure they did it just to hurt ME! Let's forget the fact that maybe they weren't quite ready to leave this world, maybe they didn't go out in the fashion they wanted. Maybe they weren't finished with what they thought they had to do. Selfish? ME? Couldn't be! After all it was me sitting here crying all day long, missing their arms and their stories. Feeling alone and so very wronged I longed for more time with each and every one of them. I had been short changed!
Would my Daddy's be happy with my actions, my frame of mind? Would they look down and say "Look at Judi, she's so strong". Ahhhh NO! At least one of them would have said I was acting like a titty baby!! Another might have mentioned something about a spoiled brat and Matt's words I'm pretty sure would have been "whinny cat". Grandaddy might have let me get away with it!! LOL
So here's the deal. I allowed myself to wallow. I finally had had enough and took my anxiety medicine (gee that is what they are for right?). Made myself get dress and out of the apartment. I did it....I rescued myself! Today I am feeling a little foolish. A little drama queenish if you will. But that was yesterday, and today is a new day.
Ahhhh life IS good! Live it!!!!
I woke up thinking I had it by the tail. I had already written about my father figures and had dealt with so it was all good....WRONG!
Does the term 'abandonment issues' ring a bell? How dare these wonderful men who meant so much to my heart and soul just up and die on ME! And I am reasonably sure they did it just to hurt ME! Let's forget the fact that maybe they weren't quite ready to leave this world, maybe they didn't go out in the fashion they wanted. Maybe they weren't finished with what they thought they had to do. Selfish? ME? Couldn't be! After all it was me sitting here crying all day long, missing their arms and their stories. Feeling alone and so very wronged I longed for more time with each and every one of them. I had been short changed!
Would my Daddy's be happy with my actions, my frame of mind? Would they look down and say "Look at Judi, she's so strong". Ahhhh NO! At least one of them would have said I was acting like a titty baby!! Another might have mentioned something about a spoiled brat and Matt's words I'm pretty sure would have been "whinny cat". Grandaddy might have let me get away with it!! LOL
So here's the deal. I allowed myself to wallow. I finally had had enough and took my anxiety medicine (gee that is what they are for right?). Made myself get dress and out of the apartment. I did it....I rescued myself! Today I am feeling a little foolish. A little drama queenish if you will. But that was yesterday, and today is a new day.
Ahhhh life IS good! Live it!!!!
Sunday, June 17, 2012
Sunday Funnies
Awwww Sunday! That day of rest, of relaxation and family. That day we both love and dread, because Monday isn't far behind.
Sunday's at our house in Texas were always special. Never quite knew what the day was going to be.
Some Sundays I would declare it "don't HAVE to day" meaning just that. Nothing HAD to be done. I didn't HAVE to cook, Matt didn't HAVE to do any honey do jobs, the boys didn't HAVE to clean their rooms. You didn't have to do anything you didn't want to do. Of course that meant you might not eat and you might have no clean dishes and you might run out of gas but hey.....it was worth it.
And I loved "pajama day"! Just lounging around in your jammies all day....ahhhhh, freedom! But if someone happened to drop by...yikes...run before they see you in your favorite, less than flattering attire! Dang company anyhow!!
Breakfast in bed was always a treat and I have to say I was on the receiving end of that deal a few times and it's pretty nice. It was okay that my eggs were hot and my toast cold. Just because I knew how to make everything come out at the same time didn't mean that Matt and boys did...lol.
Those Sunday drives with no particular destination were the BEST! Loved to just get in the car and drive. Seeing the country side, watching nature fly by the open windows. Maybe stopping for a bit to eat or wandering around a local store, watching the people. Taking the kids along when they were younger, leaving them home when they no long found our company inviting.
Sundays are different for me now. I often travel down memory lane while sitting alone in my living room without so much as the TV for company. Sometimes I might browse through photos. On occasion I call family or friends to see what's new with them. If I have "don't have to day" no one knows. "Pajama day" happens any day of the week I don't want to get dressed. Breakfast in bed occurs when I make a bowl of cereal and take it back in my bedroom, lol. And Sunday adventures in the car a thing of the past, a wonderfully sweet memory.
But you know what, I am blessed to have these memories. Blessed to have had those precious times.
It's time to move forward, I have more memories to make and share with my loved ones.
Live is good!! Live it!!!
Sunday's at our house in Texas were always special. Never quite knew what the day was going to be.
Some Sundays I would declare it "don't HAVE to day" meaning just that. Nothing HAD to be done. I didn't HAVE to cook, Matt didn't HAVE to do any honey do jobs, the boys didn't HAVE to clean their rooms. You didn't have to do anything you didn't want to do. Of course that meant you might not eat and you might have no clean dishes and you might run out of gas but hey.....it was worth it.
And I loved "pajama day"! Just lounging around in your jammies all day....ahhhhh, freedom! But if someone happened to drop by...yikes...run before they see you in your favorite, less than flattering attire! Dang company anyhow!!
Breakfast in bed was always a treat and I have to say I was on the receiving end of that deal a few times and it's pretty nice. It was okay that my eggs were hot and my toast cold. Just because I knew how to make everything come out at the same time didn't mean that Matt and boys did...lol.
Those Sunday drives with no particular destination were the BEST! Loved to just get in the car and drive. Seeing the country side, watching nature fly by the open windows. Maybe stopping for a bit to eat or wandering around a local store, watching the people. Taking the kids along when they were younger, leaving them home when they no long found our company inviting.
Sundays are different for me now. I often travel down memory lane while sitting alone in my living room without so much as the TV for company. Sometimes I might browse through photos. On occasion I call family or friends to see what's new with them. If I have "don't have to day" no one knows. "Pajama day" happens any day of the week I don't want to get dressed. Breakfast in bed occurs when I make a bowl of cereal and take it back in my bedroom, lol. And Sunday adventures in the car a thing of the past, a wonderfully sweet memory.
But you know what, I am blessed to have these memories. Blessed to have had those precious times.
It's time to move forward, I have more memories to make and share with my loved ones.
Live is good!! Live it!!!
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