I am very sad today to say that we lost another puppy last evening. And the depth of sadness is so incrediably deep! Not just for me but for my lovely daughter. I think I hurt more for her than anyone. She has been an amazing midwife to Roxie, reading everything she could get her hands on making sure everything was done just right for both Mama and babies! When you care so deeply you experience the highs and lows of the situation so much more. She has always had a heart for animals, especially the weak fragile ones.
Leanna is my only daughter and mother to all of my grandchildren. To say that I am extremely proud of her is a huge understatement! She is not only my daughter but my closest friend and biggest supporter. I know she always has my back and will love me no matter what foolish thing I do.
We have walked hand in hand through some pretty tough times. We have cried together, and certainly laughed together. We have fought with each other and for each other. We respect each other and dare anyone to disrespect either one of us with the other present.
The amazing thing is, whatever is going on, good, bad or indifferent, we have the joy of knowing we have each other.
We have shared a gambit of emotions the past couple of days. First total and complete excitement at the prospect of the birth of the puppies. When the pangs of labor hit we were more than a little excited, we were over the moon!! When it became apparent the birth was not going according to plan panic set in quickly. Still never dreaming it would go so wrong. When the first puppy passed away the overwhelming sadness saturated the room. And when at last the final two puppies were delivered the joy was unmistakable!! Finally, bringing Roxie and the babies home, even with the loss of Buster, joy was the name of the game.
Now with the loss of Triton sadness threatens to take the joy once again. We must look at the big picture and practice the glass is half full theory. No matter what is gone there is more left behind. More joy to come, more puppies, more love, more living. Even with sadness in the midst of joy life IS good!!! Live it!!! Live it fully!!
Wednesday, June 27, 2012
Tuesday, June 26, 2012
Puppy Power!!
I would like to share a story with you if I may;
Once upon a time, there was a husband who loved his wife more than she could believe. He was a wonderful husband and an amazing father.
The family made a move to another state and things were NOT good there. So the loving husband bought his sad, homesick wife a beautiful little dapple puppy they named Roxie! Roxie was so loving and had a unique personality all her own. She brought happiness to the family, especially the wife.
After several years the husband unexpectedly passed away, leaving a grieve stricken wife, children and little doggy. Roxie watched for him to come home from work each day, all the while keeping the wife company and giving unconditional love.
It came about that the wife decided to give the dog to her grandson because he loved her so much and the wife thought it best for her to be with him and his family.
Because Roxie was a gift from such a wonderful man and step father it was decided that she should have another litter of puppies so that part of the man could continue to bless our lives. With that purpose she was mated and the wait began.....
Finally yesterday Roxie went into labor. After laboring for a while it became apparent that she was in trouble. She was rushed to the vet where they tried at first unsuccessfully, to remove the puppies via forceps. After giving her medicine to intensify her contractions they were able to remove 3 puppies. All boys. We had to have a little dapple girl....we just HAD to! It was decided that an x-ray needed to be taken to determine how many more puppies were inside. They found 2 more puppies unable to make it down the birth canal. So they preformed an emergency c-section. When they took Roxie into surgery they came and informed us that the first puppy did not make it. We all burst into tears for our lost little baby. Only after many tears did we realize that the husband in heaven now had his own little puppy.
While Roxie was in surgery they let us have the puppies in with us, we held them and loved them and cried with joy and sorrow. Finally they came and gave us the news....the 2 little puppies were doing well and they where BOTH females....one dapple like her mother!!! We shouted with joy!! Leanna now had her MattyMae, named after the loving husband and step father.
Mother and puppies are doing well. Our family has yet another bond cementing us even stronger together. Who would of thought puppies could mean so much?
Another example of how good life is!!! Live it!!!!
Once upon a time, there was a husband who loved his wife more than she could believe. He was a wonderful husband and an amazing father.
The family made a move to another state and things were NOT good there. So the loving husband bought his sad, homesick wife a beautiful little dapple puppy they named Roxie! Roxie was so loving and had a unique personality all her own. She brought happiness to the family, especially the wife.
After several years the husband unexpectedly passed away, leaving a grieve stricken wife, children and little doggy. Roxie watched for him to come home from work each day, all the while keeping the wife company and giving unconditional love.
It came about that the wife decided to give the dog to her grandson because he loved her so much and the wife thought it best for her to be with him and his family.
Because Roxie was a gift from such a wonderful man and step father it was decided that she should have another litter of puppies so that part of the man could continue to bless our lives. With that purpose she was mated and the wait began.....
Finally yesterday Roxie went into labor. After laboring for a while it became apparent that she was in trouble. She was rushed to the vet where they tried at first unsuccessfully, to remove the puppies via forceps. After giving her medicine to intensify her contractions they were able to remove 3 puppies. All boys. We had to have a little dapple girl....we just HAD to! It was decided that an x-ray needed to be taken to determine how many more puppies were inside. They found 2 more puppies unable to make it down the birth canal. So they preformed an emergency c-section. When they took Roxie into surgery they came and informed us that the first puppy did not make it. We all burst into tears for our lost little baby. Only after many tears did we realize that the husband in heaven now had his own little puppy.
While Roxie was in surgery they let us have the puppies in with us, we held them and loved them and cried with joy and sorrow. Finally they came and gave us the news....the 2 little puppies were doing well and they where BOTH females....one dapple like her mother!!! We shouted with joy!! Leanna now had her MattyMae, named after the loving husband and step father.
Mother and puppies are doing well. Our family has yet another bond cementing us even stronger together. Who would of thought puppies could mean so much?
Another example of how good life is!!! Live it!!!!
Monday, June 25, 2012
The World Didn't End
After 2 days of crying and sleeping and crying some more I see that the world is still here. The sun is shining, the birds are singing and I'm sure somewhere someone is actually smiling.
As for me....well I have survived. Survived a hellish nightmare of my own making. Overreacting as usual, losing my mind when I would have been much better off keeping control of it and acting like a total and complete ass!
Reading between the lines, assuming, and looking into the future in my not so shiny crystal ball brought me to the point of total and utter ridiculousness! Ugly, threatening, nasty, words all spouted by ME! All because I didn't get my way! Really Judi, how old are you? How long have you played this game?
I presented myself as a total lunatic! And why? Because I have not wanted to ask questions that I have every right to know the answer to. I have not let my feelings be known on all levels. I have not wanted to make waves. I am assuming and he is doing the same. Yes that's healthy. Where is the communication that I so proudly claim I am so good at? Where are the boundaries that I plead with others to set and follow? Where is any independence on my part? Somewhere inside me in some unrecognizable place I suppose.
I am pretty sure I am wearing blinders, because that is what I chose to do still. And I am well aware that I am risking being hurt in a big way, but right now I don't care. Now I have to prove to both of us that I am not a wild, crazy woman who blows her top and is in need of a straight jacket, over some little thing.
I apologize to my man, I am sorry for acting like a crazy, spoiled, assuming bitch. We will talk this out and you will see I will keep my word.
Everyone tells me how strong I am, how I can get through anything, and by god I am! There is good in people, love to be had, and worlds of wonder to experience,
Life is good, I will live it.....even if not everything is golden at this point it's worth living to the max!!! Look out world here I come!!!
As for me....well I have survived. Survived a hellish nightmare of my own making. Overreacting as usual, losing my mind when I would have been much better off keeping control of it and acting like a total and complete ass!
Reading between the lines, assuming, and looking into the future in my not so shiny crystal ball brought me to the point of total and utter ridiculousness! Ugly, threatening, nasty, words all spouted by ME! All because I didn't get my way! Really Judi, how old are you? How long have you played this game?
I presented myself as a total lunatic! And why? Because I have not wanted to ask questions that I have every right to know the answer to. I have not let my feelings be known on all levels. I have not wanted to make waves. I am assuming and he is doing the same. Yes that's healthy. Where is the communication that I so proudly claim I am so good at? Where are the boundaries that I plead with others to set and follow? Where is any independence on my part? Somewhere inside me in some unrecognizable place I suppose.
I am pretty sure I am wearing blinders, because that is what I chose to do still. And I am well aware that I am risking being hurt in a big way, but right now I don't care. Now I have to prove to both of us that I am not a wild, crazy woman who blows her top and is in need of a straight jacket, over some little thing.
I apologize to my man, I am sorry for acting like a crazy, spoiled, assuming bitch. We will talk this out and you will see I will keep my word.
Everyone tells me how strong I am, how I can get through anything, and by god I am! There is good in people, love to be had, and worlds of wonder to experience,
Life is good, I will live it.....even if not everything is golden at this point it's worth living to the max!!! Look out world here I come!!!
Saturday, June 23, 2012
Pleasing Others
Not possible!! We can only please ourselves! I know this first hand. No matter how much we give, others just take, take, and take.
I gave my heart, my love, my all and got NOTHING in return. Unless you call a broken heart and absolutely no self esteem left something. Who does this?
I am gasping for breath as I write this. I don't know what the morning will bring.....I wish it were death but I know I won't try that again. I promised, not only myself, but all those that I hold dear to my heart. But I have to admit it would be better than this!
Why, why do we put all of our hope and dreams into one person? Why do we trust ANYONE with our heats? What the fuck are we trying to prove?
I am devastated.
I didn't write on 6/22 because I was troubled and nothing came to me. I was blinded by something I thought was promised to me. I thought my life was good and someone loved me and needed me. But I was wrong, yes ME, I was wrong. I had my eyes opened and now I HATE what I see. I see that I was used in the worst possible way! Something that I thought I gave freely was abused and turned into something awful and tarnished. Someone I totally trusted and loved was not only untrustworthy, but also a selfish monster.
You see I was in love. Feel in love months ago. And he is married. Safely married. He offers nothing....she takes nothing. I gave EVERYTHING! He had the best of both worlds, I, as it turns out had nothing.
Do I show him for what he is, or do I learn a lesson and turn away and leave his world in tact? I want to destroy him, to hurt him as he hurt me. But I can't. I know a lot of people are going to say "I told you so". I don't want to hear it. I can't bear it. I am a fool. A stupid naive fool.
Trust NO ONE, believe NO ONE, love NO ONE! Now I am left alone, knowing I made another HUGE mistake. Not caring whether I live or die. Not wanting tomorrow to come. And who do I blame...ME!! I thought I was pleasing myself....I thought I was pleasing HIM.....
But in the end I have to believe life is good....let me find it...let me live it....oh please.....
I gave my heart, my love, my all and got NOTHING in return. Unless you call a broken heart and absolutely no self esteem left something. Who does this?
I am gasping for breath as I write this. I don't know what the morning will bring.....I wish it were death but I know I won't try that again. I promised, not only myself, but all those that I hold dear to my heart. But I have to admit it would be better than this!
Why, why do we put all of our hope and dreams into one person? Why do we trust ANYONE with our heats? What the fuck are we trying to prove?
I am devastated.
I didn't write on 6/22 because I was troubled and nothing came to me. I was blinded by something I thought was promised to me. I thought my life was good and someone loved me and needed me. But I was wrong, yes ME, I was wrong. I had my eyes opened and now I HATE what I see. I see that I was used in the worst possible way! Something that I thought I gave freely was abused and turned into something awful and tarnished. Someone I totally trusted and loved was not only untrustworthy, but also a selfish monster.
You see I was in love. Feel in love months ago. And he is married. Safely married. He offers nothing....she takes nothing. I gave EVERYTHING! He had the best of both worlds, I, as it turns out had nothing.
Do I show him for what he is, or do I learn a lesson and turn away and leave his world in tact? I want to destroy him, to hurt him as he hurt me. But I can't. I know a lot of people are going to say "I told you so". I don't want to hear it. I can't bear it. I am a fool. A stupid naive fool.
Trust NO ONE, believe NO ONE, love NO ONE! Now I am left alone, knowing I made another HUGE mistake. Not caring whether I live or die. Not wanting tomorrow to come. And who do I blame...ME!! I thought I was pleasing myself....I thought I was pleasing HIM.....
But in the end I have to believe life is good....let me find it...let me live it....oh please.....
Thursday, June 21, 2012
To Thine Own Self Be True and Set A Good Example?
That is most certainly an oxymoron! I prefer "don't do as I do, do as I say". Unfortunately the loudest words are often those unspoken. Little do we really know how our actions affect those around us so much more than our words of wisdom.
I think it is safe to say that most of us want our children and our loved ones to have the best of everything. Better than the things we had better than the things we experienced. And we often share this in words. But remember they see our choices, they see what we accept, what we endure, and the way we life. If we settle, they see that. Is that what we want for them? Do we want them to settle for anything less than excellence?
With my first marriage I did not set a very good example for my children, especially for my daughter. I put up with abuse, both verbal and physical. I put up with alcohol taking first place in his affections. I put up with him cheating on my. Did I want either of my children to put up with any one of those things? Absolutely not! Yet my actions showed them it's okay to live like that. After the relationship ended it was easy to say, I should have left, I should have put him out. But I didn't. I regret that to this day. I thought I was doing the right thing. Keeping my wedding vows, staying with a man that totally disrespected me. I was, I thought, being true to what I believed, but I was not setting an example I wanted for anyone I loved to follow.
I have friends that stay in relationships, again thinking they are being true to themselves, and as an outsider I find myself thinking, why in the world are they settling for this? Although I can't see it, they have their reasons. They are setting an example for someone, is it good or is it bad? Not for me to decide. But I challenge you right now. If someone you love follows in your footsteps, are they going to be happy? Is it what you want for them?
I am happy to say that the example Matthew and I left was a great one, and hopefully our boys and a lot of people who knew us use as an example. If my boys follow in their fathers footsteps I will indeed be one proud Mama!
I hope to lead by example. I know there are people that see things in a much different light than I do, and that's okay. In the long run I am happy, healthy and looking forward.
My life is good, very good at this moment. And I am living it!!
I think it is safe to say that most of us want our children and our loved ones to have the best of everything. Better than the things we had better than the things we experienced. And we often share this in words. But remember they see our choices, they see what we accept, what we endure, and the way we life. If we settle, they see that. Is that what we want for them? Do we want them to settle for anything less than excellence?
With my first marriage I did not set a very good example for my children, especially for my daughter. I put up with abuse, both verbal and physical. I put up with alcohol taking first place in his affections. I put up with him cheating on my. Did I want either of my children to put up with any one of those things? Absolutely not! Yet my actions showed them it's okay to live like that. After the relationship ended it was easy to say, I should have left, I should have put him out. But I didn't. I regret that to this day. I thought I was doing the right thing. Keeping my wedding vows, staying with a man that totally disrespected me. I was, I thought, being true to what I believed, but I was not setting an example I wanted for anyone I loved to follow.
I have friends that stay in relationships, again thinking they are being true to themselves, and as an outsider I find myself thinking, why in the world are they settling for this? Although I can't see it, they have their reasons. They are setting an example for someone, is it good or is it bad? Not for me to decide. But I challenge you right now. If someone you love follows in your footsteps, are they going to be happy? Is it what you want for them?
I am happy to say that the example Matthew and I left was a great one, and hopefully our boys and a lot of people who knew us use as an example. If my boys follow in their fathers footsteps I will indeed be one proud Mama!
I hope to lead by example. I know there are people that see things in a much different light than I do, and that's okay. In the long run I am happy, healthy and looking forward.
My life is good, very good at this moment. And I am living it!!
Wednesday, June 20, 2012
The Invite
I have received invitations to everything from Tupperware parties, to baby showers and everything in between. I consider myself to be very social and usually love attending these get-togethers to visit and see what's new. When you are alone under circumstances not under your control the rules of accepting invitations is a whole new ballgame.
When I receive an invitation it might seem a great idea to attend a gathering. If it is an event of primarily women there is a better chance I will actually attend. If it is more of a couples outing you can be pretty sure I will not show. And if it is something that Matt and I attended together or would have done together it will completely throw me into a tailspin!
Unsuspecting friends have extended invitations to things and I will say "Oh yes I would love to come." And I mean it when I say it, I really do. But later when I think it through I have trouble following through. For instances I have some lovely friends who Matthew and I did a lot of things with. We used to play games at each others houses, go out to dinner, have parties in our homes, go on outings and fish with them. I love these people! When I returned to WI from TX they invited me to several kids parties and I had every intention of going. I was asked to their home, I wanted to go. But I never made it. Finally a new member of their family invited me to a 1st birthday party for her child and I agreed to attend. RVSP and the whole nine yards. The day of the party I had a melt down. I had to take anti-anxiety medicine to get my crying self out of the door.
Once there I relaxed, thanks meds, and totally enjoyed myself. I watched the children wishing I had been around them more making a mental note to see to that that happens (and it hasn't). And then it came to me. I didn't want to be around these people because Matthew wasn't with me. I had a huge void and it felt awful! I wondered if I had hurt their feelings by not coming around and always being a no show. I still have not gone to them and told them that that is why I was avoiding them. I love them and wouldn't want to hurt them and know they would understand. It's just hard to put into words to them. I WILL do this.
So to anyone who has invited me to anything and I've not come or been less than a gracious guest I am so sorry. I have learned to say when invited to things now that I appreciate the invite and if I am able to I will be there. Because it may sound good right now but by the time it arrives I am in a different place and it doesn't sound like something I can do right now. Please understand that I am okay when I don't come to your party or event. I am just being ME.
Life IS good! And I am living it MY way!
When I receive an invitation it might seem a great idea to attend a gathering. If it is an event of primarily women there is a better chance I will actually attend. If it is more of a couples outing you can be pretty sure I will not show. And if it is something that Matt and I attended together or would have done together it will completely throw me into a tailspin!
Unsuspecting friends have extended invitations to things and I will say "Oh yes I would love to come." And I mean it when I say it, I really do. But later when I think it through I have trouble following through. For instances I have some lovely friends who Matthew and I did a lot of things with. We used to play games at each others houses, go out to dinner, have parties in our homes, go on outings and fish with them. I love these people! When I returned to WI from TX they invited me to several kids parties and I had every intention of going. I was asked to their home, I wanted to go. But I never made it. Finally a new member of their family invited me to a 1st birthday party for her child and I agreed to attend. RVSP and the whole nine yards. The day of the party I had a melt down. I had to take anti-anxiety medicine to get my crying self out of the door.
Once there I relaxed, thanks meds, and totally enjoyed myself. I watched the children wishing I had been around them more making a mental note to see to that that happens (and it hasn't). And then it came to me. I didn't want to be around these people because Matthew wasn't with me. I had a huge void and it felt awful! I wondered if I had hurt their feelings by not coming around and always being a no show. I still have not gone to them and told them that that is why I was avoiding them. I love them and wouldn't want to hurt them and know they would understand. It's just hard to put into words to them. I WILL do this.
So to anyone who has invited me to anything and I've not come or been less than a gracious guest I am so sorry. I have learned to say when invited to things now that I appreciate the invite and if I am able to I will be there. Because it may sound good right now but by the time it arrives I am in a different place and it doesn't sound like something I can do right now. Please understand that I am okay when I don't come to your party or event. I am just being ME.
Life IS good! And I am living it MY way!
Tuesday, June 19, 2012
The Wallow Hangover
A two day hangover!! Or in the case a wallow hangover! One that could have slipped right into a third day!! Unlike the usual hangover, a bloody Mary was not the answer to this over indulgence. The plop plop fizz fizz of Alka Seltzer wouldn't help. The answer lay in me. I had to make a conscience effort to move forward.
So after 2 days of dwelling on my losses and the holes in my life I decided enough is enough! Before I went to bed last night I had a talk with myself, pretty sure my neighbors think I am a nut case, "Self" I said, "pull you head out of your ass and practice what you preach"! So where to start?
I have recently found that walking is great therapy for my wounded soul. It is more fun to have a walking buddy most of the time, however sometimes it just needs to be me. But this morning I felt the need to have a partner. I controlled my excitement that began when I woke at 5:30, ready to get out and walk, until I thought my friend might not kill me if I texted her to walk with me. She didn't answer my text so I took it upon myself to walk to her house and knock on her door....ready or not it's time to walk!! Luckily she was about ready to get up anyway and also ready to get a walk in!
Walking and talking, assuming you can do both at one time, is so great. The time flies and before you know it you have walked 4+ miles!!! And the things you catch up on are priceless...lol. Your body feels great, you mind is refreshed and your friendship is strengthened! Not bad for a simple little thing like a walk right?
We parted ways with a hug, both feeling accomplished and a sense of self pride. See simple things do make your life better. I came in had an iced coffee and my mood couldn't be better. I am glad I made the choice to get out of the wallow fog and move into the light of life.
Life is indeed good!! Live it!!
So after 2 days of dwelling on my losses and the holes in my life I decided enough is enough! Before I went to bed last night I had a talk with myself, pretty sure my neighbors think I am a nut case, "Self" I said, "pull you head out of your ass and practice what you preach"! So where to start?
I have recently found that walking is great therapy for my wounded soul. It is more fun to have a walking buddy most of the time, however sometimes it just needs to be me. But this morning I felt the need to have a partner. I controlled my excitement that began when I woke at 5:30, ready to get out and walk, until I thought my friend might not kill me if I texted her to walk with me. She didn't answer my text so I took it upon myself to walk to her house and knock on her door....ready or not it's time to walk!! Luckily she was about ready to get up anyway and also ready to get a walk in!
Walking and talking, assuming you can do both at one time, is so great. The time flies and before you know it you have walked 4+ miles!!! And the things you catch up on are priceless...lol. Your body feels great, you mind is refreshed and your friendship is strengthened! Not bad for a simple little thing like a walk right?
We parted ways with a hug, both feeling accomplished and a sense of self pride. See simple things do make your life better. I came in had an iced coffee and my mood couldn't be better. I am glad I made the choice to get out of the wallow fog and move into the light of life.
Life is indeed good!! Live it!!
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